It tends to happen when you least except it to is what I have found in my own life and patterns.

Tonight I thought I would just meet my friend Cody out for a drink and we would talk about his troubles and my own not really explainable happiness at this moment. We decided to meet at the Vagabond but as usual I was running late, mainly because I was drinking a glass of wine with Mara as she was a but shaken from running into her ex-boyfriend Nathan. I walked in to the bar/coffee shop in high spirits and the first person I saw was my own ex-boyfriend who just also happens to be named Nathan.

Our eyes meet and I am still wondering about the look on my face. I knew that running into over the holidays was a possibility but since it hadn't happened yet I had almost ruled it out, but there he was and I really didn't know what to do. I didn't really want to leave. I like the Vagabond. It's a nice place to be and they have a decent wine list, but I also really didn't want to be there at all, but didn't want it to seem I was leaving because he was there as that just looks weak and I am not weak in fact I am really over him. I have been for a while now. What I can't deny is that I did in fact care for him deeply, and perhaps it is good that I realize this one fact. In some ways in makes the whole experience worth it. It once again shows me that I do know what it takes to truly love. And, it will always be sad that he was unable to love and accept love back. Now more than ever I just feel sort of sorry for him. When Cody asked if I wanted to leave and go to Lucky's I felt like my leaving would allow him to be more comfortable and enjoy his own friends which than later showed up without him to Lucky's and I was able to catch up with them on my own terms without them looking over at Nathan to make sure we were all OK. Because, in the end, I am OK. I have and am moving on with my own life and feeling good about it as I do the things I am doing.

Now, I am listening to the latest mix I am composing for Bjorn. As of the second song I am thinking it will be a smash hit.

My sister is going to kill me, but that's OK since she is leaving tomorrow anyway, and I'm not going to see her tonight. I was blow drying my hair and realized how much I hate my bangs and decided to go ahead and trim them myself. The sideways thing was not working for me, so back to the straight across. Mara is going to double check them and make sure they're even, but I'm already a ton happier with them. I guess it's true we always go back to what we know. I know straight across the bangs. I just think it balances my face better, but so much for growing them out.

The last few days have been pretty enjoyable. I am on an awful sleep schedule but I guess after next weekend I will get it all straight again.

And, at the moment everything looks like it will work out to go to Iowa next week. After a couple of long conversations I think we have most of the details worked out. I'm really excited about the whole affair. I don't really connect with people on this level very often. It's funny how comfortable, and at the same time nervous, I feel when we're having one of our long phone conversations. Our conversations have been a tendency to go for hours. I find myself just going on and on sometimes about nothing at all mainly because I don't want the conversation to end even when I'm so tried and I know he is too. There is something comforting there that I wish I could put into words better. For a poet it seems I am often lately finding myself at a lost for words.


I do worry I will say something or put my foot in my mouth, but I am beginning to understand that sometimes I am going to put my foot in mouth. I'm human. I make mistakes. Why is it that I can accept that others make mistakes and forgive and overlook these things but I hold myself to these silly standards? I should probably think about that more in detail later.


My mother is not at all happy about me going, but if I did everything she wanted me to do I would be sharing a house with her still. Sometimes, I think, she tries to make up for not being around enough when I was a child by being a tad bit overbearing now. I know she means well, so I try to take it all in stride, but sometimes I just want to tell her to back off. I don't though as I am scared to hurt her feelings.

I was going to go and see Split Lip tonight with my friend Mike, but he called too late and I made other plans with Mara and Kyla to go down to some galleries as it is Final Friday. They are taking forever though so we may just end up hanging out here.

Tomorrow is Sid's birthday party. He got glasses today and seems OK with them. I think he looks pretty cute in them. He looks more like his dad than me with them on.

I have survived another Christmas with my mother. Sid was given more things than he needs and maybe even deserves. He's a good kid and has a pretty decent head on his shoulders,but sometimes I worry that his father indulges him too much with expensive toys. I think maybe next year it would be good for him to volunteer a little bit.

My break is going by fast. I haven't gotten to do as much reading and no writing, but there is still time for these things. I probably shouldn't be too hard on myself since I have also been sick the past few days.

But, tomorrow it is back to a the poem a day workout.

I have so much more to say but all my words were used in another long phone conversation last night. Words and time once again well spent.

The snow has made the world eerily quiet, and it is one of the reasons I love the snow so much. I have spent much of the day alone and am now drinking a glass of my favorite cheap wine. I was going to smoke some pot but it just didn't seem right. I also have a few shots of whiskey that Anne Marie gave me so I wouldn't have to walk across the street to the liquor store but for some reason it didn't sound so appealing once I came back downstairs after an hour of watching the worst reality TV. I just have never seen the appeal of reality TV. I would have stayed and chatted with m y neighbors longer but I couldn't take anymore of Anne Marie yelling at her kids for not going to bed or Robin going on about the bad relationship that she counties to stay in. I love them both so much but after years of watching them make no real changes I can only be around them for so long.

I have been thinking a lot about the past year and what has and has not happen (although most of the time I measure my personal years from birthday to birthday so therefore I still have a few months of that year left). Overall this has been a pretty decent year. I have more to say about it but Mara has just came in to tell me about her new boyfriend and I can't wait to hear all the details.

I am almost done with all my school responsibilities. All I have left to do is return my own finals and grade a set with my other grader on Tuesday. I also have to give my friend Anna and her brother a lift to the airport on Tuesday around 8:30 which is good as it will get me out of the house and on my way to my day.

The last few days have flew by. I was suppose to go out with Craig for dinner but he was tired and his mom was sick. I sort of glad in some ways I didn't go as it gave me some time to get a few things done around the house before my mom comes over for dinner. The living room is almost all together again except for some mopping and tomorrow I will tackle the dining room and the kitchen and so some shopping for dinner before Sid comes home from school. It feels nice to just stay home and be alone in some ways.

The last few days have been action packed with finishing up school, seeing Craig as much as possible before he leaves, Christmas parties and gift shopping. I haven't hardly been home at all. I hope to use my time wisely this week since on Saturday my sister will be in town for Christmas and I am sure she will be keeping me very busy on some days.

I have a lot I want to get done over break including writing a new poem everyday again (that seemed to really work for me last month) getting the house all back together, sending out work and reading. I also want to watch some movies as I will have more time to do so. I am also planning a trip to Iowa. I will also start quitting smoking again starting tomorrow and working out everyday. I think now is a good time to stop one habit and replace it with a better one. I shouldn't be under as much stress so there should be no excuses as to why I can't quit. I know I can do it.

Things have really started to improve.

Today, I slept till 12:45 and woke to sounds of children laughing with joy as there was no school today. Snow days were always the best days when I was a kid and to make sure they really enjoyed it I outlawed video games and the Internet. They were forced to play board games and draw. I think they really enjoyed it and at 5 after they had picked up and I could tell that Sid was in a great and mood so I picked a fight with him--

I lost my keys and blamed him. since he had them last. We looked everywhere and finally found them after my mom bought over my spare set. We made up, but it is another moment that reminded me that I need to not stress out on the little things.

Mara, Kyla, Brandon, Casey, and Joe came over for dinner and we had a nice time. Dinner was good and it was nice to spend some time with my friends today.

I thought I was going to met Craig at Kirbys, but I read the text message wrong, and he meant tomorrow. So, I guess tomorrow will be grading and hanging out with Craig. He leaves on Monday. Time goes so fast.

I should be going to bed but I'm not tired, so I am watching a movie and hanging out. Sometimes I really enjoy this time of the night when things are quiet and I am alone and sometimes I wish there was someone to talk to and sleep against. It's cold and it would be nice to snuggle up against a warm body. I know it could be worst.

Maybe tomorrow I will put up the Christmas tree. It seems time.

Outside it is all lightening and rain that turns to ice over the power lines. A work of both intense beauty and ugliness.

I am inside the swollen warmth of my own home, listening to music and reading poetry and a novel I have been looking forward to reading since it arrived in the mail. It was nice to pick it back up this evening after a failed attempt to teach Garrett, the eight year old that lives next door, to do the box step waltz.

I woke up with a bad case of the shakes this morning and it took a while to get straight again. I think it was from my lack of enough sleep over the last two weeks, but I wouldn't have changed a moment. I used to always say you can sleep when you're dead and I still believe that silly idea in some ways. There are only so many moments in life when connections are made or laughs between friends and love ones are happen. It is best to take advantage of these things when one is presented with them.

I have finals today and saw some of my students for the last time. My elderly student pressed ten dollars into my hands when she came to bring my lunch to me. Tot Thi Dang had bought me lunch three times a weeks for three months. I have never ate any of it, save some fresh fruit and a can of coke. It was the fact she tool time out of day to think of me that was the importance of the gift. Not how it was packaged or how awful it smelled. She is a cleaning lady at WSU and I was for a while she would find her gift in the trash, so I would throw them in trash cans in other buildings and in bins outside as I know it is the grounds crew who collects that trash. I tried to give it back to her but she quickly walked away and I realized she would have been insulted if I
had so I have decided to buy a gift for Toys for Tots with the money. To bring her gift back full circle. It seems the only right choice.

I have many things I will be able to start doing again now that I am almost done with school till the spring, laundry seems to top the list, and then cleaning through all the papers on my desk. It has really plied up over the last few months. I think I will also start some collages. Maybe bookmark size. There are also Christmas cards to mails and a few packages to put together. I have already started some of these things.

I think I will watch a movie now. I haven't watched a film in a while and seems a nice way to spend the rest of my evening as I listen to the rain slowly come down and turn to ice.

Take you time, Ms. Dickson, take your time

A short list of things that I should write now, so they don't keep me awake longer than need be--

Take my time at things as it will work out in the end. It has to as really there is no other way and time is really the only thing you have both control and no control of. Use it wisely. There is no rush to the finish line, this is not a race and other various cliches.

It is time to start the cigarette reduction program again. Over the past few days and late nights I have been smoking more than I should and it will catch up with me sooner than later.

Remember that just as there are weaknesses there are also strong points.

Call Michele back once my paper is written and edited to chat and catch up.

Call Lanny again about the lock on the back door and the constant running of the toilet.

All time is time well spent if it is productive.

Finish list of books to read for break.

Finish December series.

Write another list of household things that need to be done over break.

Remember that true happiness comes from within. I am happy today and have been happier for the last few days. While it is nice contentment is just as important.

I dreamt last night of breasts-big ones and small ones, but not my own. It was an odd dream.

I am a page and half into my paper and can't quite seem to stay on task, I probably would be further along but I somehow managed to earse the first page.

I spent time last night of the phone. Hours of conversation and smiles. It's strange to me how these things happen. Surreal in some ways. Distance doesn't seem so far at times;although, I can see the miles and miles of phone lines that run across the 1000 or so miles, they almost seem to disappear in ways I cannot quite explain. It is comforting to hold such conversations with like minded individuals and laugh again. We have made plans to meet soon and it is nice to know that this is something that will happen and to have something to look forward to. I fell asleep and in some odd ways didn't feel so alone. My body relax and there was not such an urgent need to comfort myself with stuffed bears and blankets wrapped tight.

I would say more, but dear reader, I know you may be reading these scattered thoughts of mine so I will hold back, and possibly everything I would say you may already know.

I will say that this morning I did wake up smiling. I can't remember the last time I did that but I am sure it was too long ago.

Hello Again

This is silly.

I guess I didn't realize there were privacy settings but of course there is. There is those types of settings on everything now so you can be in public space but still be alone. It's sort of odd and doesn't really make any sense.

Craig and I had a long talk about the power of the machine last night. The sounds on the fridge upset him as does the heater. I also have a problem with the white noise at times. It can be just as upsetting as bad pop music. He was sweet enough to hug me when I was starting to get down on myself and I guess I am going to go and see him walk next week and have dinner with his family. It will be nice to see his sister again and to met his mother and step-dad.

School is all done and now I have to start that damn paper. I at least have a better understanding of what it is i am writing about and enough research to write it.

Today, Brady asked my to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. It may mean that I don't go to AWP but she needs me more than NY I guess and would save some money.

Today, I had a flash of how to revise one of my poems and by the time I got upstairs to my office i had completely forgotten what it was I wanted to change.

The End

It has been almost a month and I think it is time I move this blog to another location. I have reread through a recent email between my ex and I, and it really upset since he said that I am still 'learning: and would already be ideal to some men. WTF.

I really just need my privacy now.

I need to be able to write whatever it is I need to write without fear of him reading it and since I have another blog that no one knows about my journey will move for a while there.

Out with the old--in with the new.

I stood outside in the sun today, stared up between the branches of the trees, the sky was so blue and as cloudless as I am empty.

I came inside and took a too long nap. I dreamt but I don't remember what they were.


Woke up, went and got coffee and Sid from school, took him to the ortho for an appointment 2 hours early, left, went to the recycling center, came home and took everything out of the kitchen again, went back to the ortho, came back home, to see that the new fridge was here but I had to put all the shelves in and I don't read pictures, found out I am getting no funding to go to AWP but everyone else in my department is, took three dying plants outside, talked to Anne in an effort to cheer up, took Sid to see his other doctor, had more coffee, stopped and picked up some dinner, and am now home and just sad. Sid has had to deal with me being down. Things just aren't going very well. But, at least the new fridge finally came. We're going to my mom's in a bit to watch to finish watching some mini-series they started watching last night.

I still haven't started my paper.

Maybe I should go out tonight?

No dreams last night.

Today, I said "Goodbye" to my ESL class. I won't be seeing them again till the final. They were a great group of students and I am glad I was able to be their teacher. They were always happy when I walked into the class and that made teaching them that much more enjoyable.

I will see my other class again on Wednesday and am lucky enough to know that some of them will be following me to my 101 class in the spring. They all worked very had this semester and I am proud of them in so many ways.


I love teaching. Before I started I had no idea what it was I would do after i was done with school. I know I will always write but that may not pay all the bills for a long time and possibly ever so it is good to know I have found something I can find joy in. Teaching is something I can do without harming others in fact it only helps even if a student only learns one small fact they leave my room knowing more then they knew before.

This is something I would share with Nathan and another thing I miss about our relationship. He loves teaching as much as I do. He taught me many things when we were dating. I wish he wouldn't have let my knowledge on some things made feel him bad the way he did. We came from very different backgrounds and it always made sense to me that I would know more about some things and he would know more about other things.

I am not feeling sad or angry anymore. I'm fine with him leaving in more ways than I am not. I have always known what it is I want in my life and as I do I don't see why at some point I won't have those things.

Here is the list-

I want to keep writing at the level I am at and to keep reaching new points in my writing.

I want to keep teaching.

I want to move away from Wichita. It is time for me to move on and see what else is out there. I am still thinking of going to Okla, as it is much easier to get certified to teach there, and maybe Colo. I had thought about Chicago, but it is too pricey. There are a few other places I want to look at before I make my final choice.

I want to meet the man who I will spend more than a few months or weeks with. I am ready to settle down. I like waking up next to someone, having someone to come home to and spend time with. I like the idea of spending 30 years with someone. I miss having someone to laugh with and to lay in bed and talk to. I'm not really lonely though. I have lots and lots of friends to spend time with but I do sometimes feel like I am missing out on something when I see my friends who are happy and in love.

I want to travel overseas but I don't think I will teach overseas till Sid is done with high school. Because of his health issues I'm not sure that this is what would be best for him. I will have summers to explore the world in two years and I can wait till then to do so.

Dream 5--At times I have dreams that are the retelling of past events. Last night, I dreamt of a night in the summer when Nathan and I meet for coffee at the Vagabond. It was in June and was a Tuesday night and a week or two before we started dating. The dream was as vivid as that night was. It wasn't very warm yet and he was wearing blue track pants, a blue and white shirt and a brown duster. He in the dream just as he did that night took pictures of me working on my collages( one of which was hanging on his office wall at one point, but I sure has been taken down now.), but at some point the dream changed and I was alone and in a white room that was filling up with snow. I woke up at that point as I was shivering since I had kicked all the blankets off.

Last night instead of a drink Joe and walked Jack over to Mara's apartment and chatted along the way. It was a beautiful evening. We hung out there for a while. He had to work at 6 this morning and headed home to bed. After I made plans to meet Mara and Kyla this morning at Panera for breakfast, Jack and I drove over to Craig's.

He and I sat at his kitchen table and drank red wine while he gave me lessons on how to use the rice cooker he gave me. We read Robert Huss poems out loud and discussed his upcoming job interview. As most of our conversations at some point end up being about our recent break-ups, he reminded me that I did nothing wrong in my last relationship. Eric, when he was here, had pointed out to me that I am a bit harsh at times, and Craig disagreed. He said I am passionate and that is a good thing. He also said that one of the best things about me is that when I am dating someone I tend to voice all the good things about them even when no one else sees these things. And, he is right, that is something I do. He said there was no reason for me to change and I should stop thinking that I need to change. I am fine just the way I am. It was sweet of him to say these things, as I have wondered if I had just agreed more with my ex ,or been able to voice my thoughts different way that he could handle if that would have made a difference. He reminded me that the distance made it not easy and that I tried my best. He said that I have to remember that one day I will met someone again and everything will be the way it should be.

The only thing I wish I could go back and redo today in my last relationship is to have read more poetry to him. Nathan enjoyed it when I ead to him, and I wish I had given him a few more poems to take with him. Besides Craig, he is the first man I was really able to share that side of myself with (although Bjorn and I talk about our writing a lot it would maybe be silly to read to each other over the phone) and I miss having that experince with him.

I have had a few other moments when I have missed him over the last week. When I was getting out of the shower I realized that a pink and white polka dot summer dress was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door. The last time I wore it was when we went to some silly things of one of his former students. I remember how he put his hand on the place on my back where that dress dips down and how he told me he liked it very much. I could almost feel his hand in that same place as I took it down to pack away with the rest of my summer dresses. I miss his steadiness that came through everything he did including the way he touched me.

I drank a little more than I had planned on but I feel OK today. Maybe it is because he gave me a cup of ginseng and honey tea to sip with my wine?

When I got home I checked my email and wrote Bjorn a quick note before bed. Right after I sent it I realized he had just sent me an email and since he was up and online I took a risk and called him. It was after 3am and really much too late to be on the phone but after three rings he answered and we talked for 2 and half hours. He is so easy to talk to and tends to laugh at all my silly jokes and musings. I had planned on just saying 'Good Night' but it seems once we get started it is hard to find a stopping place. We talked about the odd jobs I have had over the years, and snow tires. I think he was surprised to find I once work at an escort agency as girl who answered the calls. We talked about how everything worth having or doing requires a lot of work. I crawled into be at 6:06am and slept very soundly.

I woke up at 11:15 and thought about staying in bed, but remember I was already late to meet the girls so I hurried and got dressed and went over to Panera. I was relieved to see that Mara's car was there and hoped that they hadn't been waiting too long for me. As I walked in they were standing in line, since they had both just gotten there too. We had a nice chat over the Sunday paper and Joe once again said something about my of choice of hats.

I left there and came home to clean and work. I swept the floors in all the rooms and deep cleaned the bathroom. I haven't watched television at all today opted for listening too my Ipod and am now at song 75. It has been a nice quiet day. I was happy to be alone in some ways. I made sure to sing along to songs as they came up, danced with my broom and mop, and walk around naked after my shower. It would have been nice to have had someone to spend this time with but I am OK with enjoying this time by myself too.

Last summer my sister, Taylor, had a long conversation about how maybe I would just have to come to terms that I was just going to be alone. While today, I don't believe that will be the case I do want to learn to take care of myself as well alone as I do when I am in love. I tend to be a better care taker of myself when I am also taking care of someone else, and I think that is a bad habit I should probably try and break. A first step in this plan is to start to make the bed everyday, which s something I tend to only do when I sharing my bed. I know it's silly, but it is a first step in the right direction.

I am thinking that I should keep the TV off more. I feel like I have gotten a lot done and have not been so distracted. I haven't started my paper yet, but will after I start a poem that is wondering around in my head. I am feeling less scattered and depressed today. I think part of that has to do with the facts that I have gotten to a point that I have realized part of what was causing my depression and it really has nothing to do with Nathan but with some choices I made when I was with Nathan. Now that I have realized what was happening, it will be much easier to take control of those things again.

While I was cleaning I found some more things left over from Nathan. An ankle bracelet, a pin he gave me from some artist, and a piece of a credit card. I added these things to the 'box.' Last night when I was talking to Bjorn he told me he has a box too. Some of the things in my box I'm not sure as to why they are there anymore. Over break I want to go through it again and make a list of the things that are in there since one day I plan on burning it all.

No dreams last night again and I am thankful. My dreams become increasing odd and I not fond of the uneasy feeling I have upon waking.

I'm so tired even though I slept late today. I once again have a cold and am still dealing with stomach issues. I have lost quite a bit of weight. Not really how I wanted to lose weight but I'll take what I can get. I've started taking my vitamins again so hopefully my health will improve soon. My mom and Sid have been ill a lot lately and I think we're just passing around our germs.

I had a nice evening last night walking around Commerce popping in and out of galleries. I saw some decent shows, had a beer with a man I had dance with a while ago at Barleycorns. He's a nice guy but is intimidated because my level education is higher than his. Too bad. I would probably go on a date with him. He wander away after a while and I ran into my friend James. We've taken to holding hands in public lately, and he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as he left to go to Blank Page and I went to pick up Sid. We have been friends for years and have on and off flirted with dating but nothing has ever come to it. I doubt anything will but it was nice to sit close side by side next to him for a moment. He has taught me a lot about friendship, love, and how to hold my tongue when necessary.

I had plan on staying home most of the day and picking up the house and working on my paper, but my friend Kyle came by and than Mara and Klya stopped by and we all decided to go out and do a bit of shopping. We wanted to go to Funky Junk but it was closed so we went by Emily's store and Aspen Traders, where I bought a cute white wool hat that I already got a black stain on and will now have to take to HatMan Jack's for cleaning. It is super cute! Kyle and I went to the DAV and I got a funny little suitcase and a sweet dress. Afterwards, I met Melissa at Panera for a quick talk before she leaves for Conn. to met her boyfriends parents.

Joe Ross, the guy who I almost started dating last summer, who I was hanging out with a lot before I realized my feelings were stronger for Nathan, works there and after he called my order out in this super sexy voice told me that I look especially cool and asked me to have a drink with him when he got off work. So, at 8:30 we're meeting for a drink. Since Joe has been back I have to admit it has crossed my mind if maybe I picked the wrong man last summer when I was standing on the line between the two of them. He plays the drums in two bands and is always touring, but he really likes Sid.

I'm not sure as of today what I want. I am in some ways ready to move on but really scared of getting hurt again. There is someone who I am really attracted to, but that seems really impossible right now and I am trying to be realistic about that situation. So, I will go and have a drink and relax a bit since tomorrow I have some serious rearranging of my life to start focusing on.

No dreams to report, which is a bit of a relief.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what stage in the grieving process I am at. When my ex and I went through a couple of days of not speaking I think I was in the denial stage. Then I went through the anger stage. I think that started when he left, as up to that point I had thought we were going to work it out. I have accepted his leaving, so where am I now? I have always thought with break-ups the last stage is forgiveness. I have to forgive him for 1. lying to me about where he was and 2. losing hope and not trying harder. This may take a while.

I don't believe that we ever totally ever get over someone we have loved. I know that in some ways I am not over a few of my ex's, but I have forgiven them and try not let the past interfere with my present (this is much harder than it looks since I have so many trust issues that are left over residue of my past). I am trying to let go of the past as it seems to be one of the things that keeps coming up over and over again in my horoscopes. I think now, for today, it is the last five months that I have to let go of. I am working towards that in more ways than I am not.

I am remembering that I was really happy before we started dating. That is where I want to be again. Now I just have to make a plan as to how to do that.

Dream 3-Last night, I dreamt that I was by a river that was very brown and dirty. I jumped in and tried to swim and got caught in a net, somehow I escape,climb out of the water and than started kissing a close friend on mine (for the record not Craig).

Dream 4- This morning after taking Sid to school-I was riding a skate board that was long and made of a rotten board. It only had two wheels. I was riding it to Century II for accept some sort of award. When I got there I broke the skateboard in two pieces. I was talking to my friend Andrew from Paper Airplanes. I'm not sure what we were talking about but it was making me feel very uncomfortable. After I got the award I went to my ex's house in Okla. It was very bright in the living room, there were yellow curtains hanging everywhere even over the walls. There was a light blue couch that was very dirty. I felt nervous and strange. When he walked in he started to say something but I couldn't hear him and then I woke up. He looked exactly the same as he did in my last dream, hair down, those jeans with too many holes in them and in all the wrong places, no shoes and no shirt.

In other news-

Last night at 11pm, I was sitting on the couch after my bath and my good friend Eric walked in the back door. He was suppose to come up on Monday but things didn't work out the way he thought they were going to and decided to surprise me. I was happy to see him. we stayed up late talking and I drifted off to sleep in his arms. Eric and I have an odd relationship. We were at one time romantically involved but he wanted to be in an open relationship and I didn't, and still don't feel like that is something I am capable of, so we have remained very close friends. He is always there for me no matter what. We often times, in fact most of the time, do not agree on anything, butt somehow have managed to remain close close friends. We are able to agree to disagree because at the end of the day it is not our differences that have kept us close but our love and respect for each other. It is such an easy thing for the two of us to do and if he had wanted to be with just me when we were dating I am sure I would have tried to stay with him for as long as it would have lasted. He just doesn't believe in relationships that limit someone from exploring other people, and I don't believe that it is possible to have true intimacy if you are going to try to be on that level with more than one person. He has this way of reminding me that I am a hard to deal with woman and usually encourages to stand my ground. He believes in me and I love him so much for that. He is a very good friend.

I didn't go to work today as I had to wait for a new fridge that did not come again today as it is still lost. I really wish they would find it. My dining room is full of stuff from the kitchen and I want to clean things up a bit but it's impossible as I have no where to put anything till I can move everything back to the kitchen. Eric distracted me, so I didn't get started on my paper till much later then I had wanted to but I think I found some decent sources. I'm planning on trying to get by the library tomorrow after I get done teaching.

We had lunch together and then he went to try and scout some places for his new film and after I got done tutoring we went and had coffee at the Riverside Perk. He tried to set me up with one of his friends from high school but I wasn't into it. His name was Chris and he was nice but not my type. I ended up talking to a friend from school while Eric and Chris caught up with each other. He left at 7 and after I help Sid with his homework I finally did my own research. I have a bit of a cold and my stomach is still all messed up, otherwise I would probably be at Kirbys tonight for the singer songwriter night, but it seemed my best bet to stay home and rest a bit.

I got out the "box of things from boys" a while ago. I found a note my ex left me one morning next to some of my dog's poop that he kept trying to throw away but I got out of the trash. I remember when he asked why I wanted to save it I said because one day we could say that while there was not many things that documented our relationship, someday maybe we would be able to say that was fine, because there was a lot of love between us and that was what really mattered.

I guess I was wrong.

As I was writing this I got a text message from my friend Adam telling me that the girl he has been dating for a while now asked him to marry her tonight. They are the fourth couple I have introduced who have gone this far. Funny. I can pick partners for other people but tend to pick the way wrong men for myself. Craig and I have had a running joke about arranged marriage for a few weeks now but in India I am untouchable. I am a burden now that I am a single mother and divorced.

Today, I dreamt I was driving with Craig in his Mustang on a sunny fall day. The whole dream was draped in sunlight and gold and yellow. I'm not sure where we were going. It didn't seem that we were going anywhere really.

I woke up in the same clothes that I went out in last night. I had a couple of beers, and although, I wasn't tipsy when I left by the time I got home I was really tired. Since I haven't done the laundry, and the light is burned out in my bedroom which I can't change it on my own, I just crawled into bed in my clothes. It made getting ready for work this morning really easy.

The James Gates show at Kirbys last night was fun, but I don't think the usually Kirbys crowd really were into it, but James didn't seem to let that get in his way too much. Craig came and we sat with our fellow MFA student, Richard, and talk about the problems of the world. He asked what has happened between my ex and I and I explain to him that our different opinions and the melt down of our relationship. Craig reminded me that art's sole existence is to be art and said he was proud that I refused to back down on my beliefs for a man. This has been a recent conversation topic as I have had a few friends change political parties for the man in their life.

I wish we would have be able to agree to disagree, but I guess this is a hard things for some people. Although, everyone I have talked to about this seems to side with me that no one in any relationship agrees on every thing all the time.

I gave a test to my two classes and returned emails and graded papers while they took it. My new fridge was not delivered today so my whole house is a mess. It may be here tomorrow, but as of now it is lost. I'm not sure how you can lose a fridge but somehow Sears has done it. Tonight I am trying to catch up on housework and some research. I am hoping to start a new poem tonight too.

Since I tend to never get enough sleep sometimes on the day when I come in late to my office I will go back to sleep for an hour or so after I take Sid to school. I try not to do this too often cause it tends to make me late for work most of the time, as it did today.

I had the most vivid and I would have to say upsetting dream that I have had in a while.

I heard somewhere that most of our dreams are bad dreams....

I was in my car driving after answering the phone (I didn't see myself answer the phone or hear who was on it but I knew I had done these things before hand and that is what led me to driving) I was on the highway near Tulsa and then I was lying on the floor of the spare room in my ex's house sleeping. I thought that was odd dreaming of sleeping for some reason. When I woke up from the dream I was wondering where he was cause I guess I thought he was at work and was a bit confused as to why I was sleeping on the floor. I got up, I was wearing a white tank top and these shorts that I can't find right now, and went into his bedroom and he was in bed with another woman. I immediately freaked out and started screaming. I asked her mane and first she told me Riley and then she said it was Beth. She had dark hair and wasn't dressed. She seemed very familiar in some ways, like I had meet her before. My ex kept trying to get me to clam down, but I was so upset. I knew in the dream that we weren't together anymore but I

was upset that he had moved on so quickly. He seemed bigger in the dream and more manly. I was crying a lot. I woke up right as I was trying to leave because the alarm was going off. The colors of the whole dream were strange. Before I walked into his room everything except my car was grey, white, black, and blue, but once I walked into his room everything went to vivid color. Dreams don't usually stick with me all day, but this one has.

One of my horoscopes said to avoid daydreams, but what about sleeping dreams. I can't avoid those.

Part of me wonders if he misses me still. I miss talking to him, and I wish I could talk to him but I know myself so well. I know that I will not be able to just be "friends." That is the reality of the situation. I can't daydream about the other things that go through my head.

In other news--

Nothing has really happened today. I went to work, late, talked to many of my ESL students, posted some grades, did some EGSA stuff, and returned a few emails. I went to a meeting at Sid's school to find out he is doing just fine, which I already knew. I just found out that my friend in NY had her baby on Sunday and my other friend Kris in in labor now!!! I still haven't heard from Ike again. I'm still sick to my stomach and can't eat. Tonight, I'm going to go to see my friend, James, talk show thing at Kirbys with Craig and my new office mate.

I had to go back to work and school today so I made sure to go to bed super early last night and then I tossed and turned the most of the night. I have been having some issues with my stomach for almost a week now and the pain kept me up.

I was glad, though, to get up this morning and go to work. I gave my students a promised extra credit quiz that most of them did very poorly on. I wasn't surprised. Learning grammar and using grammar are to totally different things. Most of my students now understand most of the rules as I have seen a lot of improvement in their papers. Sometimes they just have the same problems typing and proofreading that I have.

My second class was funny today as they are feeling the end of semester crunch, and since half of them are grad students, I have a had time not giving them extensions on their two page papers. I had to explain to them that their last paper was not as good as their other papers and they would need to work harder on the one due Wednesday. I then realized that most of them hadn't even started it yet. I was very disappointed.

I came home and took a nap as I am still not feeling very good. When I got up it was time to go to class, but first I went by the local bread store and got Sid some dinner. I can't eat, so I just had some coffee. Which probably isn't good for my tummy but helped me to stay awake in my class that went on and on and on...

We talked about Willa Cather tonight. I hate it when people try and give characters in a novel modern problems so I ran most of the conversation. Dr. Schell may not like my writing but I do keep the conversations going in some ways. I motioned at some point in conversation my 'ex-boyfriend.' This was the first time I have referred to Nathan as my 'ex.' It was really sad in some ways.

This was my day, fairly normal. A lot of my friends though are going through so much crazy drama I must say that I am thankful that most of my life is fairly smooth (except for the slightly bruised heart). Two weeks of school left, five sets of papers left to grade (about 100 in all), a 15 page paper to get started on and write by the 10th, and grades to post.

That's the just the school stuff. There is also Christmas to plan with Mom and Sid will be 13 in 34 days and we want to have a fun party for him but not sure what and my own Christmas party to plan. I really love this time of year. It will be so nice to see my sister and friends.

I haven't heard form Ike again. I'm really worried about him but also know that he would not want me to worry about him. Which in some ways makes it worse.

The world's tallest man, Leonid Stadnyk, is 8' 5 and lives in the Ukraine in a small village with his mother. He is, according to 20/20 and other information I have read, lonely. He finds his height to be a curse. Maybe, though height is not a curse so much as having a heart within a huge body that is a curse.

The second tallest man in the world who is 7' 8, and lives in Mongolia once too suffered from loneliness too, but recently married a young woman and in pictures seems very happy standing next to his young bride.

Sometimes I too feel huge. It's a very silly feeling. My hands seem to big for my body and I tower over my girlfriends. There are times I also blame my height as reasons as why I am still single. I know how silly that sounds. I am very silly at times.

It's part of my charm.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. This was after a 3 and half hour phone conversation (that I dubbed as 'pity party.' It was a great long distance party with two guests that they will talking about for years) where I was allowed to go on and on, jumping from one conversation topic to another but always allowed to come back around to how sad I felt. One moment I was comparing the Rockys and the Appalachians; the next I was explaining how I cocoon myself within my blankets so that I don't feel so alone in the big empty bed. I blinked back tears as often as I laughed, and thought about how funny it was that I hadn't been on the phone that long since high school. In fact, I don't really enjoy talking in the phone most of the time, but last night it seemed completely normal.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better as there were other things that had to be taken care. Kyla is having a much harder time than I am and we had coffee with, Mara, Casey, and Joe. I spent a little longer with them than I had planned but it was nice to test Joe's knowledge on 80's goth and talk to Casey about hair and food.

Now, I have to try and get everything done I should have been doing the last five days. I'm not being too hard on myself about it. I think I needed the last five days to decompress and I did grade papers and wash half the dishes.

I have to get things together if I'm going to get out of this blue funk, but when I get home from all the places I've been I just want to sit and do nothing till it's time to drag myself back to the bed I sleep alone in and when I wake up I don't want to get back out of bed to face another day of the blue funk.

And, today--it has hit me--

I am very very sad.

I've cried on and off all day.

And, I am jealous.

I am jealous that he has meet a girl that is 'very cute' even though there is no romantic interest (which is exactly what he said about me when we first met) and really I should be happy that he has maybe met someone he can be friends with as I do worry about him being alone in Muskogee all by himself. He has someone he can watch movies with and run with....

I waited a long time, eight years, before I felt safe enough with someone to be myself and I feel betrayed. I wish he had just told me from the beginning that he felt confused. It would have save us so much time, so much energy. I really believe that we could work through anything, but I guess I was wrong.

I miss him.

I just don't want to sit around dwelling on it. I want to move on. I don't want to spend the next eight years waiting to feel that close to someone again. Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't started dating if I would have found a man who wasn't confused.

Kyla was surprised when I told her that I have a hard time meeting men today when I stopped by to check on her and instead ending up crying on her couch as I held Iris, the cat, I recently gave to here and the boys she lives with. And, it's true. I can find a man who wants to be with me sexually (there were three last night and two on Wednesday), but I have a hard time finding a man who really wants to be with me. I know part of this is because I am so hard to deal with. I can become horribly private in some ways and latch on too hard in others. Nathan always seemed to be able to deal with these facts about me and at first was so sweet and caring and worked so hard to make me feel secure. I wish he would have just told me he was confused. It feels so deceitful now. I have so many trust issues and this just adds to them. I dropped my guard with him and I'm not sure why, but I wish I hadn't.

I wish everyone would just understand that.

In other news, my Sweetie Ike, was beat up last night my the Hell's Angels in California and I am terribly worried about him.

Yesterday I spent with Craig in a mission to avoid our exs; although, he had a greater chance of running into his than I did mine, the common mission was what was really important. We had dinner at some Chinese buffet in Rock Road and saw Into the Wild. We had a nice Thanksgiving together and I can't think of anyone else I would have wanted to spend it with.

I did have a few moments of sad reflection as I had first thought that I would be making a big dinner at my place for friends and Nathan, but since we broke up the plan was changed. Craig, too, had a moment when he remember that he and Yuki were suppose to go out of town together this weekend. She sent him a text while we were at the movies asking him if he still wanted to go and he didn't know what to say back to her. I was left in complete silence from Nathan and there have been no new blogs so I am feeling relieved in some ways.

I woke up this morning to Jack laying next to me in bed,his head on his pillow, big brown eyes waiting for me to feed him. I got feed the kids and went and met my Eric for breakfast. we had a nice chat and caught up on so many things. He's such a good friend. I am glad after all these years we still are friends.

I went to the Vagabond this afternoon and felt a bit nervous cause I was scared I would run into him and than reminded myself that was silly since I really have no idea if he's even in town. My other friend Craig held me close for a few moments as he knew I was feeling down. I spent the rest of the day catching up with my friend Brandy and checking out my friend, Emily's, new store. As I drove home it started snowing and is making me debate if I really want to go out tonight. I haven't gotten much done today that I had planned on doing--no poems have been written, the house is still a mess, a novel to read, and papers to write. If I go out tonight I have to stay in the rest of the weekend. It's a hard choice.

Thanksgiving--

I do have some issues with this holiday in the historical sense and it is the beginning of the season of mass consumerism. I sort of have a love hate thing with it and instead of focusing on all the bad things that the holidays mean I try and focus on the good things.

There is nothing wrong with having one day a year where we all take at look at what we're thankful for and how those things enhance our lives.

I am thankful for my son. Everyday (even though he is fastly approaching his teen years and becoming a bit of a pain) he is a wonderful child and I am lucky that he is mine. I like to tell him if he hadn't been mine I would have kidnapped him.

I am thankful for my mother. She is the one who is always on my side even when maybe I am wrong and when I screw up she doesn't say "I told you so." I love her and her little dog.

I am thankful for my pets. I know that may sound silly, but Sir Jack Bobo, Princess Billie Jo, Duke Fredrick, and Ocsar the fish give me something to come home to on those days when Sid is at Camp Dad.

I am thankful for my two not-sisters Taylor and Mara. I always wanted a sister and now I have two, who may not be blood sisters but love me just like I was their older sister. They indulge me by buying matching sunglasses and shirts and listening to me go on and go for hours about boys. When I move next year it will probably be to Denver so I can be close to Taylor and I hope to take Mara with me.

I am thankful to my many friends. I have too many to name but I am glad that I have them and have too many to name. Not many can say that. I am very fortunate and I know that.

Now for other things--

This morning I woke up to my dog, Jack, barking, so I forced myself to climb out of my nice warm bed to see what was upsetting him so much. I wandered into the kitchen in a white tank top and blue panties to find the fridge repair man letting himself in with a key he had gotten from the building manager. I was a bit surprised and I am sure so was he but I was unable to see the look of his face since I had yet to put in my contacts. I'm getting a new fridge so I'm excited about that since the one I have now is super loud and annoying. I'm not big on white noise esspecilaly if it's loud and angry.

I went back to bed and at 11 my friend Ms. Kramer walked in the house, I didn't make the same mistake twice and threw on my robe before I went into the kitchen to greet her. We made some coffee in my new shiny coffee pot and sat around talking about turkey's and work for a couple of hours.

After she left, I made plans to see my high school sweetheart over the weekend to catch up on the last four years and checked in on Sid as he was babysitting for the first time alone today. Found another blog that Nathan wrote about our break-up (hence the post before this one as I guess that is how he is going to force communication for a while instead of just realizing I really don't want him my life at this time and more than likely will never want he in my life. I am angry and I think it may be a long long time before I get over that. I hadn't told anyone I loved them for and meant it the way I did with him in so many years and while I forgive him in some ways I don't have to be friends with him. Both Craig and Bjorn agree with me on this one).

Tonight, Mara and I are going to go and see Paper Airplanes play and hang out for a while.

To Nathan

I do have a few things to say besides "FUCK YOU" and since you persist I will go ahead and play this game--

I don't miss you anymore, because I spent so many hours within our relationship missing you and telling you I missed you, and you never reaching out to me and helping me in that process. You, so many times, kept at bay, why would I really miss that now? After all, it is just now that you are remembering that we had some really important and wonderful times. I had already mourned for our relationship before it was over. I cried in private because, the one time I tried to open up and reconnect with you you pushed everything we had over the cliff, and I spent the next week realizing I was powerless. I couldn't cry in front of you because you were four hours away. I told you I was crying and you did nothing. You didn't even try to fight for us, or for the love we, or I should say I, had.

And, I did cry in front of you many times as I was leaving you house, or you were leaving mine because I knew it would be a while before I saw you again.

When you left it was almost like a relief. A relief that I would never have to worry about whether or not I was doing the right thing, or saying the right thing, or believing the right thing since you tended to judge everything thing that I did. I was never good enough for you just as I was. When we first started dating you admitted you didn't even like me as a friend when we first meet. You had to force yourself to tell me you loved me? I never once had to force myself to say "I love you." It was always a joy to tell the man I believed and cared about so much, to a point that I was really to move to be closer to him, that I loved him.

Why would I miss you? Why would I miss that? How can I miss someone who had to force themselves to say they loved me, who at times had to force themselves to kiss me? Why would I miss someone who lied to me over and over again? I never lied to you.

There have been a few times I have missed you. Sid was having a very male problem and you were the one I would turn to to ask for the advice (Thank goodness for Craig and Bjorn who both have been here for me the last two weeks and were able to help Sid) and I missed some other small things, but I see no reason to sit around and dwell on it. It is counterproductive.

As for deleting everything, I did this for my own sanity. I don't need to see these things and constantly go back through them over and over again. It makes me feel bad.

I've spent enough of my life feeling bad. I just don't need to do it anymore.

Ahh...I'm really upset about this blog that Nathan has written about our freaking break-up!!! He makes it sound like I won't his friend and never once goes into any of the truth of the matter about how he lied to me for five months about being happy. That's is why I don't want to be his friend. He was dishonest with me as a lover why would he become an all of the sudden honest friend? It's full of self-pity, and almost makes me feel bad for him, and I'm the one who got freaking dump! I'm the one who tried to make it work and he just walked out because he gave up hope and now he wants me to be his friend? Please. Why would I?

Oh, and I am awesome!

OK, now that I have gotten that off my chest and I can move on--

Today, I made sure the EGSA bake sale went off without a hitch and I think we did make some money for ourselves and for Mead Middle School.

I plan on taking the next five days and writing and grading papers. I also have a 15 page paper I should get started on at some point. Sid and I went and saw Bee Movie tonight at the Warren in Old Town and had dinner there too. We had a nice time and I'm glad that we got to go together. Craig and I are going to have dinner and see a movie on Thanksgiving and tomorrow I am going to see Dusty Roads with some friends. The rest of the weekend I plan on cleaning and relaxing and getting caught up on sleep and work.

I'm super moody today.

I really wish I had more to say, but I don't.

One more day of work and then I have five days off to try and get some things sorted out and get some writing done.

It has hit me. I am alone again. I still don't miss him. It is more of a self pity thing I'm going through. I don't date many for that long and I feel like I've just wasted a lot of time with someone who never really cared enough for me.

I just love self-pity. It's such a fun way to spend my time.

One week later and I still have had no break down and really don't miss him that much.

Last night I went to Lawrence and saw The One A.M. Radio. It was nice to catch up with my friend in the band, and few of my friends that live in Lawrence.

Woke up in a dark basement at 1:45pm and I was shocked as I thought it was 6am. Did some shopping with Mara downtown and drove home. It was a nice trip and I am glad that we went. I needed that short escape and the new pretty scarf, and cute sunglasses (I forgot mine, which is odd since I always have an extra pair with me).

I took a hot bath and am going to go see Craig for a while and celebrate his finishing his comps today. He leaves soon and it will be odd to not have him here anymore after three years. I will miss him but I also know that we will always be close friends. He has really been there for me the last three years and I will always be grateful for his friendship.

I am watching the sun set at 5:15p, and thinking about how I am not adjusting to the change of the weather. The cold seems to be sinking into my body differently than it every has before. I am layering up my clothes and it doesn't seem to be helping.

Today, a student came to my office to ask my advice on a very personal manner. At first I was taken back that she and her friend sought me out to tralk about such things, but now I am a bit honored that they thought I could help them.I really love teaching for some many reasons and now I have another one to add to my list.

Other than that I am cleaning my house and doing laundry. Another mundane day.

Not much happened worth writing about really, but I told my friend I would blog and write a poem everyday for a month and as I try to be a woman of my word when ever possible here I am blogginng about my not exciting life.

I could write about how I am not drinking till New Year's Eve, not because I have a problem with it, but because I think it is good to take a break from everything at times. I wish I could take a break from coffee, but I have such bad headaches as it is that I can't risk more.

I had one of those days at work where I had to try to catch up on everything and had no idea where to start and plamming a bake sale if harder than I thought. I know that sounds silly. It really is silly.

Most of life is mundane. My life is very mundane today, but I am sure thaht will change soon.

It usually does.

It seems that no one believes me when I say that I really am OK now. I am feeling fine with his leaving my life. As I think about it more and more I realize that this is in fact what is best.

I am now only mourning his touch and the comfort I felt being with him. These seem like small things I will be able to get over sooner than later.

Today, while I was walking, I saw--

A man with a lawn mowing even though it is time to let the grass die.

A man holding a baby in one arm and throwing a baseball to his slightly bigger son with the other.

The sun going down soft over the only tow tall bulidings in Wichita.

Leaves in all colors and shapes and so pretty.

My new pink sheets are dreadfully itchy and do not feel like quite right yet. His scent is missing.

I am already starting to forget how our backs felt when we slept. How incredibly warm he was and how much comfort I felt there. I am forgetting how his touch had this unnameable charge behind it. The last time I felt that sort of touch from him we were standing in a gas station on our way to some lake to camp. I was grabbing a soda and did not really know he was standing behind me till his hand gently touched the sprawl of my back. It had this mix of gentleness and power. It is starting to feel more like a dream I had and have just woken up from.

I know that he was wrong for me but I miss the level of comfort I had with him and horribly scared that I will never have that again. But, part of me knows that this is not totally true. I will find it again and this time it will be with someone who will not be scared and will know and understand what it takes to really love and not just go through the motions.

Another part of me just wants a lover with no attachments. I want to be able to sneak away in the middle of the night and not care (unlike the way I usually sneak away in the middle of the night) Relationships interfere with grad school and are very distracting. I know though that this may not be something I am really capable of as I tend to become attached even when I do not want too.

I am lying to myself. I need love and not just a lover.

Why though when I am surrounded by love from friends and family all the time am I still so caught up in this idea of a "relationship"? Why do I still torture myself in these ways?

I want to escape from my life tonight. It is so overpowering that I checked on plane tickets to places I've never been, but I cannot really leave. I have so many things to do.

He and my yellow-gold sheets are gone.

He left me, taking the sheets with him, and leaving me with a dozen yellow roses.

I have bought new pink sheets and a new blanket and pillow. I am trying to earse him from mind in some ways. I deleted all our emails and him from my social network sites. I know that seems harsh, but I do not want to harm myself more by being able to have things to look at and dwell on.

Some reason am having a hard time being inside my own home. As soon as I woke up this morning I left my house, now I am outside on my back porch. I don't feel heartbroken. I just feel really really sad about the whole affair.

I am paying by karma forward. For ten years I broke hearts without much thought but for my own validity. For the next ten years perhaps I am doomed to have what little of my heart is left to be broken.

I never lied to him and now I am finding out that he based all of his feelings on fear of being alone and not on the realness of me and what to have to offer.

A week ago my laptop when dead. I went to Best Buy and had them transfer all my data from that one to the one I am now typing on. When I plugged my I pod in it seems that songs that were written by the last drunken lover were still haunting my hard drive. I have had yet to remove them. When I turned on music this morning to listen to while I bathed his music was the first I heard now as I type this our "song" has just come on.

Music just haunts me. I become so attached to songs and the feelings that I had when I first heard them

Last night, while playing cards an Altered Statesmen song played. I haven't listened to those songs since May. Today that was a posting that their new album is done. I wished Steve luck knowing he will never break his silence he has imposed since he left my apartment, even though he asked to me to keep in touch. I will never understand how that man managed to get under my skin so easily that night.

Next week, I want to go to Lawrence to see The One. A.M. Radio. I have no further comment on this at the moment.

Now, I am just waiting to feel strong enough to tell him to come over and make peace. If we end today I will give him the sheets from my bed.

I am starting to understand that a heart can be broken so many times that it can start to just not care.

I'm tired.

Poeple are just different and no one is going to be excatly like you.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn when I was a child and I guess I am still trying to learn it.

Things I saw while driving to work today-

Hundreds of black small birds flying in ramdon directions.

Tore up ground.

Childern walking with thier hands in thier pockets.

A man selling tires.

I have been crying for days and now my eyes feel dry and like at any moment they could fall out of my head.

Wake me up when the revolution begins

This morning I am giving my English comp class a diagnostic exam to see where exactly their writing skills are, this is standard department procedure. I usually have a question ready for them before hand but it slipped my mind so I had planned on coming to work a bit early and grabbing one out of my desk of ones I have already used. On Good Morning America though I found my question. It seems that a new MTV survey given to 13-24 year olds found that they are happier in most cases than I and my generation of Xer’s were at their age. So, I asked them this question (poorly stated as I was rushing): “In a recent MTV pool 13-24 year olds are mostly happy with their lives; write an essay explaining why you are or are not happy with your current life.” They are now pressing pen to paper and I am watching them and hoping that they are not too nervous about their first essay. They of course are.

This whole topic of happiness has gotten me to think about my own happiness. I would have to say that between the ages of 13-24 I wasn’t happy in a lot of ways. Not only with my own life, which was a disaster in most ways( but a beautiful and adventurous one that was full of laughter and hi jinx that I look but on fondly now since I know it is where I came form and has made me who I am) but I also was not really happy with the state of the world around me. I am happy now in many ways with my own self but I am not happy with the state of the world I live in. I know that I don’t really do as much as I could to change things but I do try to do little things like write letters to China, fill up my car at night, etc… and in general talk about the issues. I also vote. I have voted in every election since I was 18 when Clinton was first running for office. When I asked my class how many were register only 5 or so raised their hands (I have 17 in this class, two of my students are over 24 and only one of them raised their hand) and when I asked how many had voted in the last election only 3 raised their hands! THREE!!! I know that when people are happy they tend to be less political but give me a break. Are these kids just blind to what is going on around them? We’re in the middle of what I am sure of will be this generations Vietnam, the environment is in ruins, and there are so many other things going wrong in our world and it is just like they do not care at all.

On the other hand they’re have been some studies that have concluded that this generation is more aware of the world and it’s state since September 11^th. I do have quite a few friends who are 19-24 and they, themselves, are very concerned about what is going on in the world and are community organizers in many ways. These are the people I have become close to in the last year not only for myself but also for Sid. I want him to look up to, not the people in the media, Paris Hilton or whoever. So, far I think I have made the right choice as he is trying to start a peace group at his school and is making anti-war shirts.

This brings me to my next gripe, why are there no real youth movements for change the US right now? The last one I can think of is “Rock the Vote” which did do wonders and probably help get Clinton elected in ’92, but I don’t see my own 18-24 year old students doing much of anything. I am hoping I am wrong about this and that the are pockets of underground revolt and I am just not cool enough at my age to be invited into these inner circles of planning and prep but as soon as the revolution begins I will be allowed to walk arm and arm with my brothers and sisters (Ok, I know that sounded a bit cheesy) and hold up my fist and sing “We’re not going to take it” or some such song.

I am in Muskogee, OK spending some time with Nathan before I start classes and teaching again next week. Things were a bit rough when I arrived here on Monday. We were never able to catch one of Nathan’s cats, Jerry, and a plant, that was dear to him and the oldest one he had was stolen out of my yard when I had briefly taken it out of my car to go pick up my mom from Walgreens because her car would not start. I felt horribly guilty about it the whole drive from ICT to here. Nathan was a very distanced and tired on Monday, so I allowed him to be that way. I’m ok with people feeling that way as long as it is not affecting me. If I think someone is really hurting I will reach out and comfort them as best I can.

Yesterday, I read through a blog on myspace that Nathan had written a day before about my belief that we do not “fall” in love but we choose to love. At first I was a bit excited about the fact he was discussing the way I felt about something so openly but as I went on the read it I found myself sitting in front of the screen shaking and crying. He had written in depth about his feeling for his ex calling that relantionship “the most honest, satisfying, and gratifying” of his life thus far and that they were “perfect” and he had thought her as his soul mate (I don’t believe in soul mates in the way that we often think that someone has just one. I think that there are many people who can be one’s soul mate at different times in one’s life) . He then went on to explain how our relantionship was “real” and explanation of the differences between the two made no sense to me. I seem to think that if this relantionship is “real” then it has to be must be honest, satisfying and gratifying in order to qualify as “real.” I have struggled with this for two days now and after many e-mail exchanges with my mother and my friend Mara, and some quality time with just myself today, I have just decided to try and let it go. I am having a hard time with letting it go though and am feeling horribly insecure but in a much better mood than I was in yesterday.

Insecurity is something I am plagued with. I always feel like I’m in second place somehow. Good, but not quite good enough. I can trace this feeling back through years and years of relationships with family, friends, and lovers. In the end, it makes me feel horribly lonely.

Before I read that blog, I had never ever felt that way with Nathan. I had one brief moment of odd fidgetiness, but after I talked to him about how I felt at that moment while sitting in the rain at the Vagabond, it was gone. Now; though, I can’t seem to shake it. He’s tried, hard, to reassure me everything is going to be fine. Has said all the right and sweet things that someone should say and I still feel just sad. I ‘m jealous. I want this to be the most satisfying and gratifying relantionship of both our lives.

For a while, before Nathan and I started dating, I was coming to grips with the fact that I may just be alone for most of the rest of my life with a few short lived affairs to satisfy sexual desire as it arose. I was beginning to be ok and coming to terms that I may never have a life partner and planning a path for myself that would be fulfilling and happy alone. When I started dating Nathan my thoughts started to change a bit. Most of the time when I am sleeping next to someone I can’t really sleep and have been know to sneak out in the middle of the night, but that thought had never crossed my mine till yesterday (I almost left in the middle of the day while he was at work so I would not have to face him when he came home, I was convinced not to by a priest who gave Jack some water while I was taking him for a walk), and now I seem to be questioning and doubting everything I had came to believe as true in my own foggy plans and am having to resort things out in my mind and rethink what I was beginning to trust and believe in. I have never been able to spend a lot of one-on-one time with someone and just be myself, because even though I am a fairly social animal in public, but at home I have a hard time spending too much time with just one person besides Sid, but with Nathan it has always come natural and has seemed altogether enjoyable.


But, I am fearful. I have seen what my own insecurity has done in my past relationships. I have torn down walls and pushed many decent men away in the process and I am scared that I could begin on that path again if I do not pay close and careful attention to what exactly I am doing.

I can’t help, though, to feel sad that he may not feel the same passion for me as I have for him. But, than who am I to judge? I forget sometimes that I am just one person with no real power.

In may ways, I feel that true freedom comes in one of two ways, being totally alone and accepting the aloneness as your fate or by being totally with a lover and accepting that as reality. In either I feel that personal growth can happen but I have found through my own experience that I am the sort of person who is able to grown more when I am with someone than by myself. I think I need that security for some reason. Is this because as a child I felt so alone all the time? I should think about that more.

In the end, I know what he wrote was not really meant to hurt me but to somehow honor me. I knew it when I was reading it. I understand that hurt comes in two ways: the kind of hurt we do intentionally and the kind of hurt that happens when we are really honest with one another. It was the wording that has bruised me. Words are powerful and dangerous things. They are in constant flux and often can be misread even when what we say we mean with a clear heart and good intention. What qualifies as perfect for me may mean something entirely different to him, but when I think of it that way I feel awfully confused and bewildered. It is my own interruption of his words that is causing my insecurity and suffering. But, until yesterday I had thought of this relantionship as just that, perfect. I had bragged to a couple of girl’s when they were complaining about their dating troubles on Final Friday last month that I had absolutely nothing to complain about because I was in a very stable and happy relantionship that was as near perfect as I had ever hoped to have in this life. I continued to tell then it was full of trust and honestly and was probably the healthiest and happiest I have ever been with a man that I loved.

I realize that this is all my problem to solve.

But, I am at an almost complete lost on how to go about doing that.

As cliché as it is—

Old habits are hard to break.

It is not as easy as it seems to just change the whole way you have thought your whole life. If I were not such a coward I would just ask for his help. But, that may be too much of a burden for him to bear.

At times it is too much for me to bear. . .

In the end, what matters is that I do love him.

And, he loves me.

If I had to give background history on myself it would be spotty. Memory is a faulty thing. I do know, though, that it has been six years since I have felt freedom to tell a romantic partner those three words that bind or can destroy everything in a moment. For once I don't feel like I am being destroyed but held close.

Oh, and now I am a nationally published poet.

I will be done with my MFA in the spring. My path is changing, but I am not frighten anymore. I am ready for the change.

Time is going fast and I can't seem to catch up. I've been trying for days to get the apartment all tidy before my friend Dan comes and stays but haven't gotten very far at all.

Yesterday for some reason I brought all my journals up from the basement. I haven't flipped through some of them in years and was worried about them getting wet. I'm thinking about reading them all but I'm not sure I would know the person who wrote some of those things now.

Happy Bird and Opening Flower

"In the 1870s, two inventors Elisha Gray and Alexander Graham Bell both independently designed devices that could transmit speech electrically (the telephone). Both men rushed their respective designs to the patent office within hours of each other, Alexander Graham Bell patented his telephone first. Elisha Gray and Alexander Graham Bell entered into a famous legal battle over the invention of the telephone, which Bell won."The History of the Telephone"

I have issues with the phone. I find it an awkward device most days. But, on the other hand, I do have a huge cell phone addiction. I am constantly checking my cell phone; but yet, the ringing of it always makes me jump. I can text all day long, and really fast, but if I have to call someone, outside of this small circle of people I feel free to chat openly with on the phone, I feel odd and silly. Really, none of this behavior makes any sense. I have just decided that is who I am.

Last night, I decided that Nathan and I needed to blow things up, so I fumbled around in a junk drawer and found the fire works that Adam and the other Nathan gave me in January. I was super excited about it and he played along. My fave had to be one called Happy bird and opening flower. It seemed fitting for where we both are for some reason.

It is not often that I found myself in a position where I enjoy waking up to someone. I have a habit of leaving in the middle of the night and sometimes I have left a note with a vague saying like "peace" or "I'll call you soon." With Nathan though, that thought to escape, that need to run has never crossed my mind. And, I can sleep with next to him; which is one of the reasons why I tend not to stay. I usually can't sleep most days, and I almost can never sleep next to anyone besides Sid (who thankfully doesn't crawl into bed with me anymore) and our dog Sir Jack Bobo.

I am choosing to let go. In the end, I have a problem with normalcy, because I think that within a relationship I have never really had it. I have never been able to be completely comfortable with anyone for a long period of time and just relaxed and felt safe. As things start to settle back into a day-to-day pattern and the excitement wears off, I begin to mistake that comfort level as withdrawal and rejection.

I have trust issues. I’ve had men say they would be back, and than never return till it is too late (perhaps this started with my own father, perhaps once he whispered in my ear he would see me again and somewhere within subconscious I am still waiting for him in some ways) and I have in my heart moved on (it is true though, all my lovers who mattered, and most who did not have returned to me in some way or another).

The difference here, with him though, is I don’t feel the anxiety that I have felt in the past at this point of settle.

What is the distance really? When I think of the distance between myself and China(6668.0 miles(10731.0 km)), or my heart and the sky (78,0000 km), it seems as distance is only an abstract concept I have yet to fully grasp.

Last night, I dreamt of red and orange robes. Am I really being called to retreat? Or just sit more? Even if this is my path, I could not follow it for a few more years. Till Sidney has entered the monastery, which he does plan to do when he is old enough to go. At this point I would allow him to go at 16 as long as he has his G.E.D. first. I know to some, dear reader, this would be an odd thing for a mother, especially the type of mother I am, to say, but I know that Sid is much better Buddhist than I am and has is own life path to walk and I would be doing him a great disservice if I tried to stop him from doing what he is called to do in this life.

07-01-07 8:30pm


We are leaving Kansas City and are both a bit spacey and tried. We woke this morning to children playing outside the hotels rooms door and sat together and smoked before moving on to the Java Break for breakfast and coffee. From there, we found our way to a comic book shop where I picked up a couple of back issues of some comic Sid likes and didn’t have. He hasn’t called me very much the past day or two which is good but makes me worry about him too. I’m sure he is fine, and seemed happy when I spoke to him a while ago.

I was sitting at the table thinking about Alex, when she sent me a text message. We had a short exchange of words that ended with her saying some things that really did hurt. I can take others saying cruel things to me most of the time, but since she and I have been friends for so long she knew exactly what to say to leave pain. I almost cried in QT while waiting for the restroom. I was standing there feeling sorry for myself watching three children using the fountain machine when one, who I believe was autistic, spilled his soda across the counter. His sister almost lost it and was starting to clean it up, so I help, and as I did the boy started laughing about how funny it was, and I had to laugh to. It was funny. Outside, I felt calmer and handed Nathan my cell phone so I wouldn’t keep the game going. It seems like a far away dream now. I don’t know what to say to Alex anymore. She seems so sad all the time. I take responsibility for my own happiness. What more can I do?

We help Nathan’s friend, Tyson, moved for a bit and I took a nap in the sun. We had dinner, and now are on our way back to Wichita. A tad bit later than we thought we would be, but I’m ok with that. Part of what has been so nice about this trip is that we have just taken our time, and went where we felt like we either wanted to go or were needed.

Today, outside the hotel Nathan asked a tough questioin. He tends to ask the tough questions and I tend to just go ahead and answer them. Sometimes, his frankness takes me a bit by surprise; but I think I am learning to adjust to it. I have no need to keep anything, secrets or otherwise from him, this in itself is a bit frightening.

Really, it comes down to two things, 1. I have done a lot of “bad” (whatever that means) things in my life 2. I have also done a lot of “good” (whatever that means) things in my life. I like to think that I have learned from all my experiences something worth knowing. Most of what I guess would be called my “bad choices” most time felt more as a matter of survival than choice. And, what others thinks of as my “good choices” are just their own opinion of what value my life has and really has nothing at all to do with myself or who I am.

What I should be doing is staying out the window watching the sunset. That would truly be living in the moment.


10:09 pm

We did pull off the highway and watch the sun go down. It was breathtaking and almost too much to understand. For a brief moment I felt like I had never seen a sunset before and had a hard time looking at the oracle of red-orange because it was something I could not quite understand at that moment. It made me think of what a teacher in a class once told me about how some believe that after death we just go to the other side of that sun and live almost in the same way as we live now.

Looking at it also reminded me that I had a vision today that I guess I am trying to come to my own grasps with. Today, while I sat on the balcony and watched the blue jay fly around and away I saw a vision of myself in red robes and a shaved head. I was staring back at myself. And, I know that at some point I will have to go on my own vision quest. I am not sure when as of yet, but I will one day have to go. I have never expected to find enlightenment in this life but I do understand that I will have to help myself along tat path in this life so in the next I will be closer than I will be at my death.

Or, maybe I just need to go to temple more . . .

We’re [it still seems odd to write or say “we” or “us” maybe the libertarian (which is how I have for some reason began to refer to Thaddeus) was right and I have been on my own for just too long to really adapt to being with someone, but there would be no gain without a tad bit of strange discomfort] about 50 miles from home now. We have driven most of the trip home without the radio and in silence, then a horrible Nine Inch Nails song kept running through my head and I asked to put some music on. I just don’t like that band, something about the lyrical content always has made me uncomfortable (I think overly violent lyrics are fine; I just have seen enough violence and pain and blood in my life to not need to cling onto someone else’s interruption of pain in order feel something within my musical scope), even if it reminds me of my days as a young girl riding in cars with Amanda and Tiffany Tillman, smoking pot, and wanting for our lives to start. They are both married with children now. The last I heard they were happy.

10:44

We have just gotten off the turnpike to come around a turn to a beautiful full moon that is as breathtaking as the sun we saw earlier.

I have been thinking about the way a dead child’s feet would make no noise as it runs across the sand.

Will this be the theme or my own anti-war poem? Should I even try? I should, I need newer poems that don’t just confess.

But, after reading 70% of that article in the Writers Chronicle on anti-war poetry, I feel a bit frighten about the possibilities of sounding cliché.

I woke to warmth close to my skin and again it seemed as if it was the most natural place to be as it rained on outside. Rain that hasn’t stopped for days. The weather so cool for June and although many of us has recently longed for the sun to come back and visit us we in some ways have enjoyed the absent of its brightness, not having to squint our eyes quite so hard from its grasp.

We took our time leaving the house. I knew we wouldn’t get on the road by noon but I was not stressed by that fact and enjoyed the slower pace we took. After stopping by the store, we are now on our way to one of the eight wonders of the Kansas: The Garden of Eden.

The last time I drove this highway with someone else it was with Ryan Creamer before he went back to Wisconsin (Which is where that poem “Break-Up of my Landscape came from and was first called Landscape at 32--except for the line about being a Midwestern woman that came from Craig). That trip so far back in my mind now that even where I drove to Denver to see Taylor I didn’t recall much of that trip. I really only remember one thing as important and that was being caught in the rain and standing under an a gas station smoking. Our relantionship was pretty much over by that time.

Today, it is north with Nathan. We have not said a word in at least 30 minutes but I don’t feel at all awkward about the silence. It is as refreshing as seeing a red barn in the middle of the field. Still standing . . . .

I have once again become fascinated with birds, more importantly, sparrows. Besides being a word I hold too dear for no apparent reason I am over-interested in its flight path, the way it’s wings move through the wind and how it spends much time on the ground hoping around waiting for something to deliver it from itself.


Is this the place where I mention the silence frightens me?

Soon, we will reach the space in the Plains where the landscape begins to change. It becomes green rolling hills of such awe that the last time I drove through it I was alone and wish I had had someone to share my longing to roll down the hill and feel the grass between my toes. It was a sunny day and the whole land shone with such wonderment. Beauty is often overlooked.

This morning I saw the same light in his eyes.




We had a lovely journey into the Garden of Eden. I was amazed that one man had within his soul the ability to make what he saw with his eyes into beauty. His birthday was March 8. Nathan took many pictures and I laid on the ground and looked up in awe of what I saw: an angel falling towards me, the broad and wondrous hips of Eves body. How Adam looked so much like his creator. I walked under an ivory covered walkway and knew he was behind me and . . .

I sat on a stone bench and ate a tangy orange. I worried about nothing for a moment and watch my lover take pictures. The sun finally showing itself to us again and we are both in high spirits after a beer in the local diner, a trip to the small local market, and a wonderfully interesting chat with an artist who had a studio. I bought a beautiful porcelain piece of a tiger leaping through the air and three sweet small doves looking on. It required a credit card for purchase and thankfully I remember to bring one.

Now we are going to Lawrence, and Nathan has told me to keep my eyes on the left as the clouds may become something worth seeing as the sun sets.



8:30 pm

We have driven back into the rain, just outside of Salina. The sun in its usual place, grasp a tad bit outside of our reach and slowing guiding us to the dark of evening.

We have been working on telling our stories to each other since before our first kiss. I am amazed at my ability to at times and after a series of breath to be so candid with this man.
I was going to say something witty here about sinners and saints but have now been distracted by the touch of his right hand touching my left hand.

Trees line the highway and I have always wondered what this landscape looked like before the dust bowl. I know I have seen pictures but it is not like seeing them with your eyes. Your heart.

10:52 pm

The highway is dark. We have just finished dinner at the Cracker Barrel in Junction City where the waitress saw us kissing through the window as we left. We ride on through the dark and speak openly about things even if at the moment they may not be the most pleasant of conversation topics.

I am glad to know that it is to just me who sees myself as a woman who has come fully back around to front. I cannot change the past but I have, to use an over stated phrase) made peace with it. If you are only given as much as you can handle, than I am as strong as the ocean.

2:46

I am lying on a bed in a room in Lawrence. When we arrived we went and had drinks with Nathan's friend Ryan at the Red Lion. After a pitcher of Guinness we sat on Mass st. and watch and listened to a man playing the hand drums. Across the street I was taken in by a person draped in a white sheet sitting in front of Weavers front doors. It reminded me of the road trip that Melissa and I took some years back. A man draped in gray wool sitting in front of St. Mary's in San Fransisco holding a crudely painted sign "I have AIDS, please help." The smell of the ocean near by and no idea what help I could give except for a rumbled dollar bill I fished out of my handbag before running off to the jazz bar where we ran up a $300 dollar tap that some lawyer paid for us.

I have once again found myself in the arms of a man, not that this is unusual, this happens quite often, what is unusual is that the happiness I seem to be experiencing is something quite different all together.

If I were to go into history, would that really necessary? Does it change the immediacy of the situation at hand?

The fact that I do not really believe in love as a thing you just fall into should be coming into play within the structure of these sentences. But, that idea may be in fact a fallacy in itself.

But it does not; and, because I am often wrong I may have to change my stance on this whole idea. I am not used to be able to say anything to someone and know that they will more than likely still be there when I look up.

This morning, I woke up to a cat begging for attention, the sound of rain and realization I was with him and not without . . .

A month passes fast and not much has changed.

The bears are still in trouble.

Am I really this boring on Mondays? Or is it everyday?