I am choosing to let go. In the end, I have a problem with normalcy, because I think that within a relationship I have never really had it. I have never been able to be completely comfortable with anyone for a long period of time and just relaxed and felt safe. As things start to settle back into a day-to-day pattern and the excitement wears off, I begin to mistake that comfort level as withdrawal and rejection.

I have trust issues. I’ve had men say they would be back, and than never return till it is too late (perhaps this started with my own father, perhaps once he whispered in my ear he would see me again and somewhere within subconscious I am still waiting for him in some ways) and I have in my heart moved on (it is true though, all my lovers who mattered, and most who did not have returned to me in some way or another).

The difference here, with him though, is I don’t feel the anxiety that I have felt in the past at this point of settle.

What is the distance really? When I think of the distance between myself and China(6668.0 miles(10731.0 km)), or my heart and the sky (78,0000 km), it seems as distance is only an abstract concept I have yet to fully grasp.

Last night, I dreamt of red and orange robes. Am I really being called to retreat? Or just sit more? Even if this is my path, I could not follow it for a few more years. Till Sidney has entered the monastery, which he does plan to do when he is old enough to go. At this point I would allow him to go at 16 as long as he has his G.E.D. first. I know to some, dear reader, this would be an odd thing for a mother, especially the type of mother I am, to say, but I know that Sid is much better Buddhist than I am and has is own life path to walk and I would be doing him a great disservice if I tried to stop him from doing what he is called to do in this life.