No dreams to report, which is a bit of a relief.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what stage in the grieving process I am at. When my ex and I went through a couple of days of not speaking I think I was in the denial stage. Then I went through the anger stage. I think that started when he left, as up to that point I had thought we were going to work it out. I have accepted his leaving, so where am I now? I have always thought with break-ups the last stage is forgiveness. I have to forgive him for 1. lying to me about where he was and 2. losing hope and not trying harder. This may take a while.

I don't believe that we ever totally ever get over someone we have loved. I know that in some ways I am not over a few of my ex's, but I have forgiven them and try not let the past interfere with my present (this is much harder than it looks since I have so many trust issues that are left over residue of my past). I am trying to let go of the past as it seems to be one of the things that keeps coming up over and over again in my horoscopes. I think now, for today, it is the last five months that I have to let go of. I am working towards that in more ways than I am not.

I am remembering that I was really happy before we started dating. That is where I want to be again. Now I just have to make a plan as to how to do that.

Dream 3-Last night, I dreamt that I was by a river that was very brown and dirty. I jumped in and tried to swim and got caught in a net, somehow I escape,climb out of the water and than started kissing a close friend on mine (for the record not Craig).

Dream 4- This morning after taking Sid to school-I was riding a skate board that was long and made of a rotten board. It only had two wheels. I was riding it to Century II for accept some sort of award. When I got there I broke the skateboard in two pieces. I was talking to my friend Andrew from Paper Airplanes. I'm not sure what we were talking about but it was making me feel very uncomfortable. After I got the award I went to my ex's house in Okla. It was very bright in the living room, there were yellow curtains hanging everywhere even over the walls. There was a light blue couch that was very dirty. I felt nervous and strange. When he walked in he started to say something but I couldn't hear him and then I woke up. He looked exactly the same as he did in my last dream, hair down, those jeans with too many holes in them and in all the wrong places, no shoes and no shirt.

In other news-

Last night at 11pm, I was sitting on the couch after my bath and my good friend Eric walked in the back door. He was suppose to come up on Monday but things didn't work out the way he thought they were going to and decided to surprise me. I was happy to see him. we stayed up late talking and I drifted off to sleep in his arms. Eric and I have an odd relationship. We were at one time romantically involved but he wanted to be in an open relationship and I didn't, and still don't feel like that is something I am capable of, so we have remained very close friends. He is always there for me no matter what. We often times, in fact most of the time, do not agree on anything, butt somehow have managed to remain close close friends. We are able to agree to disagree because at the end of the day it is not our differences that have kept us close but our love and respect for each other. It is such an easy thing for the two of us to do and if he had wanted to be with just me when we were dating I am sure I would have tried to stay with him for as long as it would have lasted. He just doesn't believe in relationships that limit someone from exploring other people, and I don't believe that it is possible to have true intimacy if you are going to try to be on that level with more than one person. He has this way of reminding me that I am a hard to deal with woman and usually encourages to stand my ground. He believes in me and I love him so much for that. He is a very good friend.

I didn't go to work today as I had to wait for a new fridge that did not come again today as it is still lost. I really wish they would find it. My dining room is full of stuff from the kitchen and I want to clean things up a bit but it's impossible as I have no where to put anything till I can move everything back to the kitchen. Eric distracted me, so I didn't get started on my paper till much later then I had wanted to but I think I found some decent sources. I'm planning on trying to get by the library tomorrow after I get done teaching.

We had lunch together and then he went to try and scout some places for his new film and after I got done tutoring we went and had coffee at the Riverside Perk. He tried to set me up with one of his friends from high school but I wasn't into it. His name was Chris and he was nice but not my type. I ended up talking to a friend from school while Eric and Chris caught up with each other. He left at 7 and after I help Sid with his homework I finally did my own research. I have a bit of a cold and my stomach is still all messed up, otherwise I would probably be at Kirbys tonight for the singer songwriter night, but it seemed my best bet to stay home and rest a bit.

I got out the "box of things from boys" a while ago. I found a note my ex left me one morning next to some of my dog's poop that he kept trying to throw away but I got out of the trash. I remember when he asked why I wanted to save it I said because one day we could say that while there was not many things that documented our relationship, someday maybe we would be able to say that was fine, because there was a lot of love between us and that was what really mattered.

I guess I was wrong.

As I was writing this I got a text message from my friend Adam telling me that the girl he has been dating for a while now asked him to marry her tonight. They are the fourth couple I have introduced who have gone this far. Funny. I can pick partners for other people but tend to pick the way wrong men for myself. Craig and I have had a running joke about arranged marriage for a few weeks now but in India I am untouchable. I am a burden now that I am a single mother and divorced.

Today, I dreamt I was driving with Craig in his Mustang on a sunny fall day. The whole dream was draped in sunlight and gold and yellow. I'm not sure where we were going. It didn't seem that we were going anywhere really.

I woke up in the same clothes that I went out in last night. I had a couple of beers, and although, I wasn't tipsy when I left by the time I got home I was really tired. Since I haven't done the laundry, and the light is burned out in my bedroom which I can't change it on my own, I just crawled into bed in my clothes. It made getting ready for work this morning really easy.

The James Gates show at Kirbys last night was fun, but I don't think the usually Kirbys crowd really were into it, but James didn't seem to let that get in his way too much. Craig came and we sat with our fellow MFA student, Richard, and talk about the problems of the world. He asked what has happened between my ex and I and I explain to him that our different opinions and the melt down of our relationship. Craig reminded me that art's sole existence is to be art and said he was proud that I refused to back down on my beliefs for a man. This has been a recent conversation topic as I have had a few friends change political parties for the man in their life.

I wish we would have be able to agree to disagree, but I guess this is a hard things for some people. Although, everyone I have talked to about this seems to side with me that no one in any relationship agrees on every thing all the time.

I gave a test to my two classes and returned emails and graded papers while they took it. My new fridge was not delivered today so my whole house is a mess. It may be here tomorrow, but as of now it is lost. I'm not sure how you can lose a fridge but somehow Sears has done it. Tonight I am trying to catch up on housework and some research. I am hoping to start a new poem tonight too.

Since I tend to never get enough sleep sometimes on the day when I come in late to my office I will go back to sleep for an hour or so after I take Sid to school. I try not to do this too often cause it tends to make me late for work most of the time, as it did today.

I had the most vivid and I would have to say upsetting dream that I have had in a while.

I heard somewhere that most of our dreams are bad dreams....

I was in my car driving after answering the phone (I didn't see myself answer the phone or hear who was on it but I knew I had done these things before hand and that is what led me to driving) I was on the highway near Tulsa and then I was lying on the floor of the spare room in my ex's house sleeping. I thought that was odd dreaming of sleeping for some reason. When I woke up from the dream I was wondering where he was cause I guess I thought he was at work and was a bit confused as to why I was sleeping on the floor. I got up, I was wearing a white tank top and these shorts that I can't find right now, and went into his bedroom and he was in bed with another woman. I immediately freaked out and started screaming. I asked her mane and first she told me Riley and then she said it was Beth. She had dark hair and wasn't dressed. She seemed very familiar in some ways, like I had meet her before. My ex kept trying to get me to clam down, but I was so upset. I knew in the dream that we weren't together anymore but I

was upset that he had moved on so quickly. He seemed bigger in the dream and more manly. I was crying a lot. I woke up right as I was trying to leave because the alarm was going off. The colors of the whole dream were strange. Before I walked into his room everything except my car was grey, white, black, and blue, but once I walked into his room everything went to vivid color. Dreams don't usually stick with me all day, but this one has.

One of my horoscopes said to avoid daydreams, but what about sleeping dreams. I can't avoid those.

Part of me wonders if he misses me still. I miss talking to him, and I wish I could talk to him but I know myself so well. I know that I will not be able to just be "friends." That is the reality of the situation. I can't daydream about the other things that go through my head.

In other news--

Nothing has really happened today. I went to work, late, talked to many of my ESL students, posted some grades, did some EGSA stuff, and returned a few emails. I went to a meeting at Sid's school to find out he is doing just fine, which I already knew. I just found out that my friend in NY had her baby on Sunday and my other friend Kris in in labor now!!! I still haven't heard from Ike again. I'm still sick to my stomach and can't eat. Tonight, I'm going to go to see my friend, James, talk show thing at Kirbys with Craig and my new office mate.

I had to go back to work and school today so I made sure to go to bed super early last night and then I tossed and turned the most of the night. I have been having some issues with my stomach for almost a week now and the pain kept me up.

I was glad, though, to get up this morning and go to work. I gave my students a promised extra credit quiz that most of them did very poorly on. I wasn't surprised. Learning grammar and using grammar are to totally different things. Most of my students now understand most of the rules as I have seen a lot of improvement in their papers. Sometimes they just have the same problems typing and proofreading that I have.

My second class was funny today as they are feeling the end of semester crunch, and since half of them are grad students, I have a had time not giving them extensions on their two page papers. I had to explain to them that their last paper was not as good as their other papers and they would need to work harder on the one due Wednesday. I then realized that most of them hadn't even started it yet. I was very disappointed.

I came home and took a nap as I am still not feeling very good. When I got up it was time to go to class, but first I went by the local bread store and got Sid some dinner. I can't eat, so I just had some coffee. Which probably isn't good for my tummy but helped me to stay awake in my class that went on and on and on...

We talked about Willa Cather tonight. I hate it when people try and give characters in a novel modern problems so I ran most of the conversation. Dr. Schell may not like my writing but I do keep the conversations going in some ways. I motioned at some point in conversation my 'ex-boyfriend.' This was the first time I have referred to Nathan as my 'ex.' It was really sad in some ways.

This was my day, fairly normal. A lot of my friends though are going through so much crazy drama I must say that I am thankful that most of my life is fairly smooth (except for the slightly bruised heart). Two weeks of school left, five sets of papers left to grade (about 100 in all), a 15 page paper to get started on and write by the 10th, and grades to post.

That's the just the school stuff. There is also Christmas to plan with Mom and Sid will be 13 in 34 days and we want to have a fun party for him but not sure what and my own Christmas party to plan. I really love this time of year. It will be so nice to see my sister and friends.

I haven't heard form Ike again. I'm really worried about him but also know that he would not want me to worry about him. Which in some ways makes it worse.

The world's tallest man, Leonid Stadnyk, is 8' 5 and lives in the Ukraine in a small village with his mother. He is, according to 20/20 and other information I have read, lonely. He finds his height to be a curse. Maybe, though height is not a curse so much as having a heart within a huge body that is a curse.

The second tallest man in the world who is 7' 8, and lives in Mongolia once too suffered from loneliness too, but recently married a young woman and in pictures seems very happy standing next to his young bride.

Sometimes I too feel huge. It's a very silly feeling. My hands seem to big for my body and I tower over my girlfriends. There are times I also blame my height as reasons as why I am still single. I know how silly that sounds. I am very silly at times.

It's part of my charm.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. This was after a 3 and half hour phone conversation (that I dubbed as 'pity party.' It was a great long distance party with two guests that they will talking about for years) where I was allowed to go on and on, jumping from one conversation topic to another but always allowed to come back around to how sad I felt. One moment I was comparing the Rockys and the Appalachians; the next I was explaining how I cocoon myself within my blankets so that I don't feel so alone in the big empty bed. I blinked back tears as often as I laughed, and thought about how funny it was that I hadn't been on the phone that long since high school. In fact, I don't really enjoy talking in the phone most of the time, but last night it seemed completely normal.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better as there were other things that had to be taken care. Kyla is having a much harder time than I am and we had coffee with, Mara, Casey, and Joe. I spent a little longer with them than I had planned but it was nice to test Joe's knowledge on 80's goth and talk to Casey about hair and food.

Now, I have to try and get everything done I should have been doing the last five days. I'm not being too hard on myself about it. I think I needed the last five days to decompress and I did grade papers and wash half the dishes.

I have to get things together if I'm going to get out of this blue funk, but when I get home from all the places I've been I just want to sit and do nothing till it's time to drag myself back to the bed I sleep alone in and when I wake up I don't want to get back out of bed to face another day of the blue funk.

And, today--it has hit me--

I am very very sad.

I've cried on and off all day.

And, I am jealous.

I am jealous that he has meet a girl that is 'very cute' even though there is no romantic interest (which is exactly what he said about me when we first met) and really I should be happy that he has maybe met someone he can be friends with as I do worry about him being alone in Muskogee all by himself. He has someone he can watch movies with and run with....

I waited a long time, eight years, before I felt safe enough with someone to be myself and I feel betrayed. I wish he had just told me from the beginning that he felt confused. It would have save us so much time, so much energy. I really believe that we could work through anything, but I guess I was wrong.

I miss him.

I just don't want to sit around dwelling on it. I want to move on. I don't want to spend the next eight years waiting to feel that close to someone again. Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't started dating if I would have found a man who wasn't confused.

Kyla was surprised when I told her that I have a hard time meeting men today when I stopped by to check on her and instead ending up crying on her couch as I held Iris, the cat, I recently gave to here and the boys she lives with. And, it's true. I can find a man who wants to be with me sexually (there were three last night and two on Wednesday), but I have a hard time finding a man who really wants to be with me. I know part of this is because I am so hard to deal with. I can become horribly private in some ways and latch on too hard in others. Nathan always seemed to be able to deal with these facts about me and at first was so sweet and caring and worked so hard to make me feel secure. I wish he would have just told me he was confused. It feels so deceitful now. I have so many trust issues and this just adds to them. I dropped my guard with him and I'm not sure why, but I wish I hadn't.

I wish everyone would just understand that.

In other news, my Sweetie Ike, was beat up last night my the Hell's Angels in California and I am terribly worried about him.

Yesterday I spent with Craig in a mission to avoid our exs; although, he had a greater chance of running into his than I did mine, the common mission was what was really important. We had dinner at some Chinese buffet in Rock Road and saw Into the Wild. We had a nice Thanksgiving together and I can't think of anyone else I would have wanted to spend it with.

I did have a few moments of sad reflection as I had first thought that I would be making a big dinner at my place for friends and Nathan, but since we broke up the plan was changed. Craig, too, had a moment when he remember that he and Yuki were suppose to go out of town together this weekend. She sent him a text while we were at the movies asking him if he still wanted to go and he didn't know what to say back to her. I was left in complete silence from Nathan and there have been no new blogs so I am feeling relieved in some ways.

I woke up this morning to Jack laying next to me in bed,his head on his pillow, big brown eyes waiting for me to feed him. I got feed the kids and went and met my Eric for breakfast. we had a nice chat and caught up on so many things. He's such a good friend. I am glad after all these years we still are friends.

I went to the Vagabond this afternoon and felt a bit nervous cause I was scared I would run into him and than reminded myself that was silly since I really have no idea if he's even in town. My other friend Craig held me close for a few moments as he knew I was feeling down. I spent the rest of the day catching up with my friend Brandy and checking out my friend, Emily's, new store. As I drove home it started snowing and is making me debate if I really want to go out tonight. I haven't gotten much done today that I had planned on doing--no poems have been written, the house is still a mess, a novel to read, and papers to write. If I go out tonight I have to stay in the rest of the weekend. It's a hard choice.

Thanksgiving--

I do have some issues with this holiday in the historical sense and it is the beginning of the season of mass consumerism. I sort of have a love hate thing with it and instead of focusing on all the bad things that the holidays mean I try and focus on the good things.

There is nothing wrong with having one day a year where we all take at look at what we're thankful for and how those things enhance our lives.

I am thankful for my son. Everyday (even though he is fastly approaching his teen years and becoming a bit of a pain) he is a wonderful child and I am lucky that he is mine. I like to tell him if he hadn't been mine I would have kidnapped him.

I am thankful for my mother. She is the one who is always on my side even when maybe I am wrong and when I screw up she doesn't say "I told you so." I love her and her little dog.

I am thankful for my pets. I know that may sound silly, but Sir Jack Bobo, Princess Billie Jo, Duke Fredrick, and Ocsar the fish give me something to come home to on those days when Sid is at Camp Dad.

I am thankful for my two not-sisters Taylor and Mara. I always wanted a sister and now I have two, who may not be blood sisters but love me just like I was their older sister. They indulge me by buying matching sunglasses and shirts and listening to me go on and go for hours about boys. When I move next year it will probably be to Denver so I can be close to Taylor and I hope to take Mara with me.

I am thankful to my many friends. I have too many to name but I am glad that I have them and have too many to name. Not many can say that. I am very fortunate and I know that.

Now for other things--

This morning I woke up to my dog, Jack, barking, so I forced myself to climb out of my nice warm bed to see what was upsetting him so much. I wandered into the kitchen in a white tank top and blue panties to find the fridge repair man letting himself in with a key he had gotten from the building manager. I was a bit surprised and I am sure so was he but I was unable to see the look of his face since I had yet to put in my contacts. I'm getting a new fridge so I'm excited about that since the one I have now is super loud and annoying. I'm not big on white noise esspecilaly if it's loud and angry.

I went back to bed and at 11 my friend Ms. Kramer walked in the house, I didn't make the same mistake twice and threw on my robe before I went into the kitchen to greet her. We made some coffee in my new shiny coffee pot and sat around talking about turkey's and work for a couple of hours.

After she left, I made plans to see my high school sweetheart over the weekend to catch up on the last four years and checked in on Sid as he was babysitting for the first time alone today. Found another blog that Nathan wrote about our break-up (hence the post before this one as I guess that is how he is going to force communication for a while instead of just realizing I really don't want him my life at this time and more than likely will never want he in my life. I am angry and I think it may be a long long time before I get over that. I hadn't told anyone I loved them for and meant it the way I did with him in so many years and while I forgive him in some ways I don't have to be friends with him. Both Craig and Bjorn agree with me on this one).

Tonight, Mara and I are going to go and see Paper Airplanes play and hang out for a while.

To Nathan

I do have a few things to say besides "FUCK YOU" and since you persist I will go ahead and play this game--

I don't miss you anymore, because I spent so many hours within our relationship missing you and telling you I missed you, and you never reaching out to me and helping me in that process. You, so many times, kept at bay, why would I really miss that now? After all, it is just now that you are remembering that we had some really important and wonderful times. I had already mourned for our relationship before it was over. I cried in private because, the one time I tried to open up and reconnect with you you pushed everything we had over the cliff, and I spent the next week realizing I was powerless. I couldn't cry in front of you because you were four hours away. I told you I was crying and you did nothing. You didn't even try to fight for us, or for the love we, or I should say I, had.

And, I did cry in front of you many times as I was leaving you house, or you were leaving mine because I knew it would be a while before I saw you again.

When you left it was almost like a relief. A relief that I would never have to worry about whether or not I was doing the right thing, or saying the right thing, or believing the right thing since you tended to judge everything thing that I did. I was never good enough for you just as I was. When we first started dating you admitted you didn't even like me as a friend when we first meet. You had to force yourself to tell me you loved me? I never once had to force myself to say "I love you." It was always a joy to tell the man I believed and cared about so much, to a point that I was really to move to be closer to him, that I loved him.

Why would I miss you? Why would I miss that? How can I miss someone who had to force themselves to say they loved me, who at times had to force themselves to kiss me? Why would I miss someone who lied to me over and over again? I never lied to you.

There have been a few times I have missed you. Sid was having a very male problem and you were the one I would turn to to ask for the advice (Thank goodness for Craig and Bjorn who both have been here for me the last two weeks and were able to help Sid) and I missed some other small things, but I see no reason to sit around and dwell on it. It is counterproductive.

As for deleting everything, I did this for my own sanity. I don't need to see these things and constantly go back through them over and over again. It makes me feel bad.

I've spent enough of my life feeling bad. I just don't need to do it anymore.

Ahh...I'm really upset about this blog that Nathan has written about our freaking break-up!!! He makes it sound like I won't his friend and never once goes into any of the truth of the matter about how he lied to me for five months about being happy. That's is why I don't want to be his friend. He was dishonest with me as a lover why would he become an all of the sudden honest friend? It's full of self-pity, and almost makes me feel bad for him, and I'm the one who got freaking dump! I'm the one who tried to make it work and he just walked out because he gave up hope and now he wants me to be his friend? Please. Why would I?

Oh, and I am awesome!

OK, now that I have gotten that off my chest and I can move on--

Today, I made sure the EGSA bake sale went off without a hitch and I think we did make some money for ourselves and for Mead Middle School.

I plan on taking the next five days and writing and grading papers. I also have a 15 page paper I should get started on at some point. Sid and I went and saw Bee Movie tonight at the Warren in Old Town and had dinner there too. We had a nice time and I'm glad that we got to go together. Craig and I are going to have dinner and see a movie on Thanksgiving and tomorrow I am going to see Dusty Roads with some friends. The rest of the weekend I plan on cleaning and relaxing and getting caught up on sleep and work.

I'm super moody today.

I really wish I had more to say, but I don't.

One more day of work and then I have five days off to try and get some things sorted out and get some writing done.

It has hit me. I am alone again. I still don't miss him. It is more of a self pity thing I'm going through. I don't date many for that long and I feel like I've just wasted a lot of time with someone who never really cared enough for me.

I just love self-pity. It's such a fun way to spend my time.

One week later and I still have had no break down and really don't miss him that much.

Last night I went to Lawrence and saw The One A.M. Radio. It was nice to catch up with my friend in the band, and few of my friends that live in Lawrence.

Woke up in a dark basement at 1:45pm and I was shocked as I thought it was 6am. Did some shopping with Mara downtown and drove home. It was a nice trip and I am glad that we went. I needed that short escape and the new pretty scarf, and cute sunglasses (I forgot mine, which is odd since I always have an extra pair with me).

I took a hot bath and am going to go see Craig for a while and celebrate his finishing his comps today. He leaves soon and it will be odd to not have him here anymore after three years. I will miss him but I also know that we will always be close friends. He has really been there for me the last three years and I will always be grateful for his friendship.

I am watching the sun set at 5:15p, and thinking about how I am not adjusting to the change of the weather. The cold seems to be sinking into my body differently than it every has before. I am layering up my clothes and it doesn't seem to be helping.

Today, a student came to my office to ask my advice on a very personal manner. At first I was taken back that she and her friend sought me out to tralk about such things, but now I am a bit honored that they thought I could help them.I really love teaching for some many reasons and now I have another one to add to my list.

Other than that I am cleaning my house and doing laundry. Another mundane day.

Not much happened worth writing about really, but I told my friend I would blog and write a poem everyday for a month and as I try to be a woman of my word when ever possible here I am blogginng about my not exciting life.

I could write about how I am not drinking till New Year's Eve, not because I have a problem with it, but because I think it is good to take a break from everything at times. I wish I could take a break from coffee, but I have such bad headaches as it is that I can't risk more.

I had one of those days at work where I had to try to catch up on everything and had no idea where to start and plamming a bake sale if harder than I thought. I know that sounds silly. It really is silly.

Most of life is mundane. My life is very mundane today, but I am sure thaht will change soon.

It usually does.

It seems that no one believes me when I say that I really am OK now. I am feeling fine with his leaving my life. As I think about it more and more I realize that this is in fact what is best.

I am now only mourning his touch and the comfort I felt being with him. These seem like small things I will be able to get over sooner than later.

Today, while I was walking, I saw--

A man with a lawn mowing even though it is time to let the grass die.

A man holding a baby in one arm and throwing a baseball to his slightly bigger son with the other.

The sun going down soft over the only tow tall bulidings in Wichita.

Leaves in all colors and shapes and so pretty.

My new pink sheets are dreadfully itchy and do not feel like quite right yet. His scent is missing.

I am already starting to forget how our backs felt when we slept. How incredibly warm he was and how much comfort I felt there. I am forgetting how his touch had this unnameable charge behind it. The last time I felt that sort of touch from him we were standing in a gas station on our way to some lake to camp. I was grabbing a soda and did not really know he was standing behind me till his hand gently touched the sprawl of my back. It had this mix of gentleness and power. It is starting to feel more like a dream I had and have just woken up from.

I know that he was wrong for me but I miss the level of comfort I had with him and horribly scared that I will never have that again. But, part of me knows that this is not totally true. I will find it again and this time it will be with someone who will not be scared and will know and understand what it takes to really love and not just go through the motions.

Another part of me just wants a lover with no attachments. I want to be able to sneak away in the middle of the night and not care (unlike the way I usually sneak away in the middle of the night) Relationships interfere with grad school and are very distracting. I know though that this may not be something I am really capable of as I tend to become attached even when I do not want too.

I am lying to myself. I need love and not just a lover.

Why though when I am surrounded by love from friends and family all the time am I still so caught up in this idea of a "relationship"? Why do I still torture myself in these ways?

I want to escape from my life tonight. It is so overpowering that I checked on plane tickets to places I've never been, but I cannot really leave. I have so many things to do.

He and my yellow-gold sheets are gone.

He left me, taking the sheets with him, and leaving me with a dozen yellow roses.

I have bought new pink sheets and a new blanket and pillow. I am trying to earse him from mind in some ways. I deleted all our emails and him from my social network sites. I know that seems harsh, but I do not want to harm myself more by being able to have things to look at and dwell on.

Some reason am having a hard time being inside my own home. As soon as I woke up this morning I left my house, now I am outside on my back porch. I don't feel heartbroken. I just feel really really sad about the whole affair.

I am paying by karma forward. For ten years I broke hearts without much thought but for my own validity. For the next ten years perhaps I am doomed to have what little of my heart is left to be broken.

I never lied to him and now I am finding out that he based all of his feelings on fear of being alone and not on the realness of me and what to have to offer.

A week ago my laptop when dead. I went to Best Buy and had them transfer all my data from that one to the one I am now typing on. When I plugged my I pod in it seems that songs that were written by the last drunken lover were still haunting my hard drive. I have had yet to remove them. When I turned on music this morning to listen to while I bathed his music was the first I heard now as I type this our "song" has just come on.

Music just haunts me. I become so attached to songs and the feelings that I had when I first heard them

Last night, while playing cards an Altered Statesmen song played. I haven't listened to those songs since May. Today that was a posting that their new album is done. I wished Steve luck knowing he will never break his silence he has imposed since he left my apartment, even though he asked to me to keep in touch. I will never understand how that man managed to get under my skin so easily that night.

Next week, I want to go to Lawrence to see The One. A.M. Radio. I have no further comment on this at the moment.

Now, I am just waiting to feel strong enough to tell him to come over and make peace. If we end today I will give him the sheets from my bed.

I am starting to understand that a heart can be broken so many times that it can start to just not care.

I'm tired.

Poeple are just different and no one is going to be excatly like you.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn when I was a child and I guess I am still trying to learn it.

Things I saw while driving to work today-

Hundreds of black small birds flying in ramdon directions.

Tore up ground.

Childern walking with thier hands in thier pockets.

A man selling tires.

I have been crying for days and now my eyes feel dry and like at any moment they could fall out of my head.