And, today--it has hit me--

I am very very sad.

I've cried on and off all day.

And, I am jealous.

I am jealous that he has meet a girl that is 'very cute' even though there is no romantic interest (which is exactly what he said about me when we first met) and really I should be happy that he has maybe met someone he can be friends with as I do worry about him being alone in Muskogee all by himself. He has someone he can watch movies with and run with....

I waited a long time, eight years, before I felt safe enough with someone to be myself and I feel betrayed. I wish he had just told me from the beginning that he felt confused. It would have save us so much time, so much energy. I really believe that we could work through anything, but I guess I was wrong.

I miss him.

I just don't want to sit around dwelling on it. I want to move on. I don't want to spend the next eight years waiting to feel that close to someone again. Sometimes I wonder if we hadn't started dating if I would have found a man who wasn't confused.

Kyla was surprised when I told her that I have a hard time meeting men today when I stopped by to check on her and instead ending up crying on her couch as I held Iris, the cat, I recently gave to here and the boys she lives with. And, it's true. I can find a man who wants to be with me sexually (there were three last night and two on Wednesday), but I have a hard time finding a man who really wants to be with me. I know part of this is because I am so hard to deal with. I can become horribly private in some ways and latch on too hard in others. Nathan always seemed to be able to deal with these facts about me and at first was so sweet and caring and worked so hard to make me feel secure. I wish he would have just told me he was confused. It feels so deceitful now. I have so many trust issues and this just adds to them. I dropped my guard with him and I'm not sure why, but I wish I hadn't.

I wish everyone would just understand that.

In other news, my Sweetie Ike, was beat up last night my the Hell's Angels in California and I am terribly worried about him.