I am paying by karma forward. For ten years I broke hearts without much thought but for my own validity. For the next ten years perhaps I am doomed to have what little of my heart is left to be broken.

I never lied to him and now I am finding out that he based all of his feelings on fear of being alone and not on the realness of me and what to have to offer.

A week ago my laptop when dead. I went to Best Buy and had them transfer all my data from that one to the one I am now typing on. When I plugged my I pod in it seems that songs that were written by the last drunken lover were still haunting my hard drive. I have had yet to remove them. When I turned on music this morning to listen to while I bathed his music was the first I heard now as I type this our "song" has just come on.

Music just haunts me. I become so attached to songs and the feelings that I had when I first heard them

Last night, while playing cards an Altered Statesmen song played. I haven't listened to those songs since May. Today that was a posting that their new album is done. I wished Steve luck knowing he will never break his silence he has imposed since he left my apartment, even though he asked to me to keep in touch. I will never understand how that man managed to get under my skin so easily that night.

Next week, I want to go to Lawrence to see The One. A.M. Radio. I have no further comment on this at the moment.

Now, I am just waiting to feel strong enough to tell him to come over and make peace. If we end today I will give him the sheets from my bed.