My new pink sheets are dreadfully itchy and do not feel like quite right yet. His scent is missing.

I am already starting to forget how our backs felt when we slept. How incredibly warm he was and how much comfort I felt there. I am forgetting how his touch had this unnameable charge behind it. The last time I felt that sort of touch from him we were standing in a gas station on our way to some lake to camp. I was grabbing a soda and did not really know he was standing behind me till his hand gently touched the sprawl of my back. It had this mix of gentleness and power. It is starting to feel more like a dream I had and have just woken up from.

I know that he was wrong for me but I miss the level of comfort I had with him and horribly scared that I will never have that again. But, part of me knows that this is not totally true. I will find it again and this time it will be with someone who will not be scared and will know and understand what it takes to really love and not just go through the motions.

Another part of me just wants a lover with no attachments. I want to be able to sneak away in the middle of the night and not care (unlike the way I usually sneak away in the middle of the night) Relationships interfere with grad school and are very distracting. I know though that this may not be something I am really capable of as I tend to become attached even when I do not want too.

I am lying to myself. I need love and not just a lover.

Why though when I am surrounded by love from friends and family all the time am I still so caught up in this idea of a "relationship"? Why do I still torture myself in these ways?

I want to escape from my life tonight. It is so overpowering that I checked on plane tickets to places I've never been, but I cannot really leave. I have so many things to do.