It tends to happen when you least except it to is what I have found in my own life and patterns.

Tonight I thought I would just meet my friend Cody out for a drink and we would talk about his troubles and my own not really explainable happiness at this moment. We decided to meet at the Vagabond but as usual I was running late, mainly because I was drinking a glass of wine with Mara as she was a but shaken from running into her ex-boyfriend Nathan. I walked in to the bar/coffee shop in high spirits and the first person I saw was my own ex-boyfriend who just also happens to be named Nathan.

Our eyes meet and I am still wondering about the look on my face. I knew that running into over the holidays was a possibility but since it hadn't happened yet I had almost ruled it out, but there he was and I really didn't know what to do. I didn't really want to leave. I like the Vagabond. It's a nice place to be and they have a decent wine list, but I also really didn't want to be there at all, but didn't want it to seem I was leaving because he was there as that just looks weak and I am not weak in fact I am really over him. I have been for a while now. What I can't deny is that I did in fact care for him deeply, and perhaps it is good that I realize this one fact. In some ways in makes the whole experience worth it. It once again shows me that I do know what it takes to truly love. And, it will always be sad that he was unable to love and accept love back. Now more than ever I just feel sort of sorry for him. When Cody asked if I wanted to leave and go to Lucky's I felt like my leaving would allow him to be more comfortable and enjoy his own friends which than later showed up without him to Lucky's and I was able to catch up with them on my own terms without them looking over at Nathan to make sure we were all OK. Because, in the end, I am OK. I have and am moving on with my own life and feeling good about it as I do the things I am doing.

Now, I am listening to the latest mix I am composing for Bjorn. As of the second song I am thinking it will be a smash hit.

My sister is going to kill me, but that's OK since she is leaving tomorrow anyway, and I'm not going to see her tonight. I was blow drying my hair and realized how much I hate my bangs and decided to go ahead and trim them myself. The sideways thing was not working for me, so back to the straight across. Mara is going to double check them and make sure they're even, but I'm already a ton happier with them. I guess it's true we always go back to what we know. I know straight across the bangs. I just think it balances my face better, but so much for growing them out.

The last few days have been pretty enjoyable. I am on an awful sleep schedule but I guess after next weekend I will get it all straight again.

And, at the moment everything looks like it will work out to go to Iowa next week. After a couple of long conversations I think we have most of the details worked out. I'm really excited about the whole affair. I don't really connect with people on this level very often. It's funny how comfortable, and at the same time nervous, I feel when we're having one of our long phone conversations. Our conversations have been a tendency to go for hours. I find myself just going on and on sometimes about nothing at all mainly because I don't want the conversation to end even when I'm so tried and I know he is too. There is something comforting there that I wish I could put into words better. For a poet it seems I am often lately finding myself at a lost for words.


I do worry I will say something or put my foot in my mouth, but I am beginning to understand that sometimes I am going to put my foot in mouth. I'm human. I make mistakes. Why is it that I can accept that others make mistakes and forgive and overlook these things but I hold myself to these silly standards? I should probably think about that more in detail later.


My mother is not at all happy about me going, but if I did everything she wanted me to do I would be sharing a house with her still. Sometimes, I think, she tries to make up for not being around enough when I was a child by being a tad bit overbearing now. I know she means well, so I try to take it all in stride, but sometimes I just want to tell her to back off. I don't though as I am scared to hurt her feelings.

I was going to go and see Split Lip tonight with my friend Mike, but he called too late and I made other plans with Mara and Kyla to go down to some galleries as it is Final Friday. They are taking forever though so we may just end up hanging out here.

Tomorrow is Sid's birthday party. He got glasses today and seems OK with them. I think he looks pretty cute in them. He looks more like his dad than me with them on.

I have survived another Christmas with my mother. Sid was given more things than he needs and maybe even deserves. He's a good kid and has a pretty decent head on his shoulders,but sometimes I worry that his father indulges him too much with expensive toys. I think maybe next year it would be good for him to volunteer a little bit.

My break is going by fast. I haven't gotten to do as much reading and no writing, but there is still time for these things. I probably shouldn't be too hard on myself since I have also been sick the past few days.

But, tomorrow it is back to a the poem a day workout.

I have so much more to say but all my words were used in another long phone conversation last night. Words and time once again well spent.

The snow has made the world eerily quiet, and it is one of the reasons I love the snow so much. I have spent much of the day alone and am now drinking a glass of my favorite cheap wine. I was going to smoke some pot but it just didn't seem right. I also have a few shots of whiskey that Anne Marie gave me so I wouldn't have to walk across the street to the liquor store but for some reason it didn't sound so appealing once I came back downstairs after an hour of watching the worst reality TV. I just have never seen the appeal of reality TV. I would have stayed and chatted with m y neighbors longer but I couldn't take anymore of Anne Marie yelling at her kids for not going to bed or Robin going on about the bad relationship that she counties to stay in. I love them both so much but after years of watching them make no real changes I can only be around them for so long.

I have been thinking a lot about the past year and what has and has not happen (although most of the time I measure my personal years from birthday to birthday so therefore I still have a few months of that year left). Overall this has been a pretty decent year. I have more to say about it but Mara has just came in to tell me about her new boyfriend and I can't wait to hear all the details.

I am almost done with all my school responsibilities. All I have left to do is return my own finals and grade a set with my other grader on Tuesday. I also have to give my friend Anna and her brother a lift to the airport on Tuesday around 8:30 which is good as it will get me out of the house and on my way to my day.

The last few days have flew by. I was suppose to go out with Craig for dinner but he was tired and his mom was sick. I sort of glad in some ways I didn't go as it gave me some time to get a few things done around the house before my mom comes over for dinner. The living room is almost all together again except for some mopping and tomorrow I will tackle the dining room and the kitchen and so some shopping for dinner before Sid comes home from school. It feels nice to just stay home and be alone in some ways.

The last few days have been action packed with finishing up school, seeing Craig as much as possible before he leaves, Christmas parties and gift shopping. I haven't hardly been home at all. I hope to use my time wisely this week since on Saturday my sister will be in town for Christmas and I am sure she will be keeping me very busy on some days.

I have a lot I want to get done over break including writing a new poem everyday again (that seemed to really work for me last month) getting the house all back together, sending out work and reading. I also want to watch some movies as I will have more time to do so. I am also planning a trip to Iowa. I will also start quitting smoking again starting tomorrow and working out everyday. I think now is a good time to stop one habit and replace it with a better one. I shouldn't be under as much stress so there should be no excuses as to why I can't quit. I know I can do it.

Things have really started to improve.

Today, I slept till 12:45 and woke to sounds of children laughing with joy as there was no school today. Snow days were always the best days when I was a kid and to make sure they really enjoyed it I outlawed video games and the Internet. They were forced to play board games and draw. I think they really enjoyed it and at 5 after they had picked up and I could tell that Sid was in a great and mood so I picked a fight with him--

I lost my keys and blamed him. since he had them last. We looked everywhere and finally found them after my mom bought over my spare set. We made up, but it is another moment that reminded me that I need to not stress out on the little things.

Mara, Kyla, Brandon, Casey, and Joe came over for dinner and we had a nice time. Dinner was good and it was nice to spend some time with my friends today.

I thought I was going to met Craig at Kirbys, but I read the text message wrong, and he meant tomorrow. So, I guess tomorrow will be grading and hanging out with Craig. He leaves on Monday. Time goes so fast.

I should be going to bed but I'm not tired, so I am watching a movie and hanging out. Sometimes I really enjoy this time of the night when things are quiet and I am alone and sometimes I wish there was someone to talk to and sleep against. It's cold and it would be nice to snuggle up against a warm body. I know it could be worst.

Maybe tomorrow I will put up the Christmas tree. It seems time.

Outside it is all lightening and rain that turns to ice over the power lines. A work of both intense beauty and ugliness.

I am inside the swollen warmth of my own home, listening to music and reading poetry and a novel I have been looking forward to reading since it arrived in the mail. It was nice to pick it back up this evening after a failed attempt to teach Garrett, the eight year old that lives next door, to do the box step waltz.

I woke up with a bad case of the shakes this morning and it took a while to get straight again. I think it was from my lack of enough sleep over the last two weeks, but I wouldn't have changed a moment. I used to always say you can sleep when you're dead and I still believe that silly idea in some ways. There are only so many moments in life when connections are made or laughs between friends and love ones are happen. It is best to take advantage of these things when one is presented with them.

I have finals today and saw some of my students for the last time. My elderly student pressed ten dollars into my hands when she came to bring my lunch to me. Tot Thi Dang had bought me lunch three times a weeks for three months. I have never ate any of it, save some fresh fruit and a can of coke. It was the fact she tool time out of day to think of me that was the importance of the gift. Not how it was packaged or how awful it smelled. She is a cleaning lady at WSU and I was for a while she would find her gift in the trash, so I would throw them in trash cans in other buildings and in bins outside as I know it is the grounds crew who collects that trash. I tried to give it back to her but she quickly walked away and I realized she would have been insulted if I
had so I have decided to buy a gift for Toys for Tots with the money. To bring her gift back full circle. It seems the only right choice.

I have many things I will be able to start doing again now that I am almost done with school till the spring, laundry seems to top the list, and then cleaning through all the papers on my desk. It has really plied up over the last few months. I think I will also start some collages. Maybe bookmark size. There are also Christmas cards to mails and a few packages to put together. I have already started some of these things.

I think I will watch a movie now. I haven't watched a film in a while and seems a nice way to spend the rest of my evening as I listen to the rain slowly come down and turn to ice.

Take you time, Ms. Dickson, take your time

A short list of things that I should write now, so they don't keep me awake longer than need be--

Take my time at things as it will work out in the end. It has to as really there is no other way and time is really the only thing you have both control and no control of. Use it wisely. There is no rush to the finish line, this is not a race and other various cliches.

It is time to start the cigarette reduction program again. Over the past few days and late nights I have been smoking more than I should and it will catch up with me sooner than later.

Remember that just as there are weaknesses there are also strong points.

Call Michele back once my paper is written and edited to chat and catch up.

Call Lanny again about the lock on the back door and the constant running of the toilet.

All time is time well spent if it is productive.

Finish list of books to read for break.

Finish December series.

Write another list of household things that need to be done over break.

Remember that true happiness comes from within. I am happy today and have been happier for the last few days. While it is nice contentment is just as important.

I dreamt last night of breasts-big ones and small ones, but not my own. It was an odd dream.

I am a page and half into my paper and can't quite seem to stay on task, I probably would be further along but I somehow managed to earse the first page.

I spent time last night of the phone. Hours of conversation and smiles. It's strange to me how these things happen. Surreal in some ways. Distance doesn't seem so far at times;although, I can see the miles and miles of phone lines that run across the 1000 or so miles, they almost seem to disappear in ways I cannot quite explain. It is comforting to hold such conversations with like minded individuals and laugh again. We have made plans to meet soon and it is nice to know that this is something that will happen and to have something to look forward to. I fell asleep and in some odd ways didn't feel so alone. My body relax and there was not such an urgent need to comfort myself with stuffed bears and blankets wrapped tight.

I would say more, but dear reader, I know you may be reading these scattered thoughts of mine so I will hold back, and possibly everything I would say you may already know.

I will say that this morning I did wake up smiling. I can't remember the last time I did that but I am sure it was too long ago.

Hello Again

This is silly.

I guess I didn't realize there were privacy settings but of course there is. There is those types of settings on everything now so you can be in public space but still be alone. It's sort of odd and doesn't really make any sense.

Craig and I had a long talk about the power of the machine last night. The sounds on the fridge upset him as does the heater. I also have a problem with the white noise at times. It can be just as upsetting as bad pop music. He was sweet enough to hug me when I was starting to get down on myself and I guess I am going to go and see him walk next week and have dinner with his family. It will be nice to see his sister again and to met his mother and step-dad.

School is all done and now I have to start that damn paper. I at least have a better understanding of what it is i am writing about and enough research to write it.

Today, Brady asked my to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. It may mean that I don't go to AWP but she needs me more than NY I guess and would save some money.

Today, I had a flash of how to revise one of my poems and by the time I got upstairs to my office i had completely forgotten what it was I wanted to change.

The End

It has been almost a month and I think it is time I move this blog to another location. I have reread through a recent email between my ex and I, and it really upset since he said that I am still 'learning: and would already be ideal to some men. WTF.

I really just need my privacy now.

I need to be able to write whatever it is I need to write without fear of him reading it and since I have another blog that no one knows about my journey will move for a while there.

Out with the old--in with the new.

I stood outside in the sun today, stared up between the branches of the trees, the sky was so blue and as cloudless as I am empty.

I came inside and took a too long nap. I dreamt but I don't remember what they were.


Woke up, went and got coffee and Sid from school, took him to the ortho for an appointment 2 hours early, left, went to the recycling center, came home and took everything out of the kitchen again, went back to the ortho, came back home, to see that the new fridge was here but I had to put all the shelves in and I don't read pictures, found out I am getting no funding to go to AWP but everyone else in my department is, took three dying plants outside, talked to Anne in an effort to cheer up, took Sid to see his other doctor, had more coffee, stopped and picked up some dinner, and am now home and just sad. Sid has had to deal with me being down. Things just aren't going very well. But, at least the new fridge finally came. We're going to my mom's in a bit to watch to finish watching some mini-series they started watching last night.

I still haven't started my paper.

Maybe I should go out tonight?

No dreams last night.

Today, I said "Goodbye" to my ESL class. I won't be seeing them again till the final. They were a great group of students and I am glad I was able to be their teacher. They were always happy when I walked into the class and that made teaching them that much more enjoyable.

I will see my other class again on Wednesday and am lucky enough to know that some of them will be following me to my 101 class in the spring. They all worked very had this semester and I am proud of them in so many ways.


I love teaching. Before I started I had no idea what it was I would do after i was done with school. I know I will always write but that may not pay all the bills for a long time and possibly ever so it is good to know I have found something I can find joy in. Teaching is something I can do without harming others in fact it only helps even if a student only learns one small fact they leave my room knowing more then they knew before.

This is something I would share with Nathan and another thing I miss about our relationship. He loves teaching as much as I do. He taught me many things when we were dating. I wish he wouldn't have let my knowledge on some things made feel him bad the way he did. We came from very different backgrounds and it always made sense to me that I would know more about some things and he would know more about other things.

I am not feeling sad or angry anymore. I'm fine with him leaving in more ways than I am not. I have always known what it is I want in my life and as I do I don't see why at some point I won't have those things.

Here is the list-

I want to keep writing at the level I am at and to keep reaching new points in my writing.

I want to keep teaching.

I want to move away from Wichita. It is time for me to move on and see what else is out there. I am still thinking of going to Okla, as it is much easier to get certified to teach there, and maybe Colo. I had thought about Chicago, but it is too pricey. There are a few other places I want to look at before I make my final choice.

I want to meet the man who I will spend more than a few months or weeks with. I am ready to settle down. I like waking up next to someone, having someone to come home to and spend time with. I like the idea of spending 30 years with someone. I miss having someone to laugh with and to lay in bed and talk to. I'm not really lonely though. I have lots and lots of friends to spend time with but I do sometimes feel like I am missing out on something when I see my friends who are happy and in love.

I want to travel overseas but I don't think I will teach overseas till Sid is done with high school. Because of his health issues I'm not sure that this is what would be best for him. I will have summers to explore the world in two years and I can wait till then to do so.

Dream 5--At times I have dreams that are the retelling of past events. Last night, I dreamt of a night in the summer when Nathan and I meet for coffee at the Vagabond. It was in June and was a Tuesday night and a week or two before we started dating. The dream was as vivid as that night was. It wasn't very warm yet and he was wearing blue track pants, a blue and white shirt and a brown duster. He in the dream just as he did that night took pictures of me working on my collages( one of which was hanging on his office wall at one point, but I sure has been taken down now.), but at some point the dream changed and I was alone and in a white room that was filling up with snow. I woke up at that point as I was shivering since I had kicked all the blankets off.

Last night instead of a drink Joe and walked Jack over to Mara's apartment and chatted along the way. It was a beautiful evening. We hung out there for a while. He had to work at 6 this morning and headed home to bed. After I made plans to meet Mara and Kyla this morning at Panera for breakfast, Jack and I drove over to Craig's.

He and I sat at his kitchen table and drank red wine while he gave me lessons on how to use the rice cooker he gave me. We read Robert Huss poems out loud and discussed his upcoming job interview. As most of our conversations at some point end up being about our recent break-ups, he reminded me that I did nothing wrong in my last relationship. Eric, when he was here, had pointed out to me that I am a bit harsh at times, and Craig disagreed. He said I am passionate and that is a good thing. He also said that one of the best things about me is that when I am dating someone I tend to voice all the good things about them even when no one else sees these things. And, he is right, that is something I do. He said there was no reason for me to change and I should stop thinking that I need to change. I am fine just the way I am. It was sweet of him to say these things, as I have wondered if I had just agreed more with my ex ,or been able to voice my thoughts different way that he could handle if that would have made a difference. He reminded me that the distance made it not easy and that I tried my best. He said that I have to remember that one day I will met someone again and everything will be the way it should be.

The only thing I wish I could go back and redo today in my last relationship is to have read more poetry to him. Nathan enjoyed it when I ead to him, and I wish I had given him a few more poems to take with him. Besides Craig, he is the first man I was really able to share that side of myself with (although Bjorn and I talk about our writing a lot it would maybe be silly to read to each other over the phone) and I miss having that experince with him.

I have had a few other moments when I have missed him over the last week. When I was getting out of the shower I realized that a pink and white polka dot summer dress was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door. The last time I wore it was when we went to some silly things of one of his former students. I remember how he put his hand on the place on my back where that dress dips down and how he told me he liked it very much. I could almost feel his hand in that same place as I took it down to pack away with the rest of my summer dresses. I miss his steadiness that came through everything he did including the way he touched me.

I drank a little more than I had planned on but I feel OK today. Maybe it is because he gave me a cup of ginseng and honey tea to sip with my wine?

When I got home I checked my email and wrote Bjorn a quick note before bed. Right after I sent it I realized he had just sent me an email and since he was up and online I took a risk and called him. It was after 3am and really much too late to be on the phone but after three rings he answered and we talked for 2 and half hours. He is so easy to talk to and tends to laugh at all my silly jokes and musings. I had planned on just saying 'Good Night' but it seems once we get started it is hard to find a stopping place. We talked about the odd jobs I have had over the years, and snow tires. I think he was surprised to find I once work at an escort agency as girl who answered the calls. We talked about how everything worth having or doing requires a lot of work. I crawled into be at 6:06am and slept very soundly.

I woke up at 11:15 and thought about staying in bed, but remember I was already late to meet the girls so I hurried and got dressed and went over to Panera. I was relieved to see that Mara's car was there and hoped that they hadn't been waiting too long for me. As I walked in they were standing in line, since they had both just gotten there too. We had a nice chat over the Sunday paper and Joe once again said something about my of choice of hats.

I left there and came home to clean and work. I swept the floors in all the rooms and deep cleaned the bathroom. I haven't watched television at all today opted for listening too my Ipod and am now at song 75. It has been a nice quiet day. I was happy to be alone in some ways. I made sure to sing along to songs as they came up, danced with my broom and mop, and walk around naked after my shower. It would have been nice to have had someone to spend this time with but I am OK with enjoying this time by myself too.

Last summer my sister, Taylor, had a long conversation about how maybe I would just have to come to terms that I was just going to be alone. While today, I don't believe that will be the case I do want to learn to take care of myself as well alone as I do when I am in love. I tend to be a better care taker of myself when I am also taking care of someone else, and I think that is a bad habit I should probably try and break. A first step in this plan is to start to make the bed everyday, which s something I tend to only do when I sharing my bed. I know it's silly, but it is a first step in the right direction.

I am thinking that I should keep the TV off more. I feel like I have gotten a lot done and have not been so distracted. I haven't started my paper yet, but will after I start a poem that is wondering around in my head. I am feeling less scattered and depressed today. I think part of that has to do with the facts that I have gotten to a point that I have realized part of what was causing my depression and it really has nothing to do with Nathan but with some choices I made when I was with Nathan. Now that I have realized what was happening, it will be much easier to take control of those things again.

While I was cleaning I found some more things left over from Nathan. An ankle bracelet, a pin he gave me from some artist, and a piece of a credit card. I added these things to the 'box.' Last night when I was talking to Bjorn he told me he has a box too. Some of the things in my box I'm not sure as to why they are there anymore. Over break I want to go through it again and make a list of the things that are in there since one day I plan on burning it all.

No dreams last night again and I am thankful. My dreams become increasing odd and I not fond of the uneasy feeling I have upon waking.

I'm so tired even though I slept late today. I once again have a cold and am still dealing with stomach issues. I have lost quite a bit of weight. Not really how I wanted to lose weight but I'll take what I can get. I've started taking my vitamins again so hopefully my health will improve soon. My mom and Sid have been ill a lot lately and I think we're just passing around our germs.

I had a nice evening last night walking around Commerce popping in and out of galleries. I saw some decent shows, had a beer with a man I had dance with a while ago at Barleycorns. He's a nice guy but is intimidated because my level education is higher than his. Too bad. I would probably go on a date with him. He wander away after a while and I ran into my friend James. We've taken to holding hands in public lately, and he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as he left to go to Blank Page and I went to pick up Sid. We have been friends for years and have on and off flirted with dating but nothing has ever come to it. I doubt anything will but it was nice to sit close side by side next to him for a moment. He has taught me a lot about friendship, love, and how to hold my tongue when necessary.

I had plan on staying home most of the day and picking up the house and working on my paper, but my friend Kyle came by and than Mara and Klya stopped by and we all decided to go out and do a bit of shopping. We wanted to go to Funky Junk but it was closed so we went by Emily's store and Aspen Traders, where I bought a cute white wool hat that I already got a black stain on and will now have to take to HatMan Jack's for cleaning. It is super cute! Kyle and I went to the DAV and I got a funny little suitcase and a sweet dress. Afterwards, I met Melissa at Panera for a quick talk before she leaves for Conn. to met her boyfriends parents.

Joe Ross, the guy who I almost started dating last summer, who I was hanging out with a lot before I realized my feelings were stronger for Nathan, works there and after he called my order out in this super sexy voice told me that I look especially cool and asked me to have a drink with him when he got off work. So, at 8:30 we're meeting for a drink. Since Joe has been back I have to admit it has crossed my mind if maybe I picked the wrong man last summer when I was standing on the line between the two of them. He plays the drums in two bands and is always touring, but he really likes Sid.

I'm not sure as of today what I want. I am in some ways ready to move on but really scared of getting hurt again. There is someone who I am really attracted to, but that seems really impossible right now and I am trying to be realistic about that situation. So, I will go and have a drink and relax a bit since tomorrow I have some serious rearranging of my life to start focusing on.