Dream 5--At times I have dreams that are the retelling of past events. Last night, I dreamt of a night in the summer when Nathan and I meet for coffee at the Vagabond. It was in June and was a Tuesday night and a week or two before we started dating. The dream was as vivid as that night was. It wasn't very warm yet and he was wearing blue track pants, a blue and white shirt and a brown duster. He in the dream just as he did that night took pictures of me working on my collages( one of which was hanging on his office wall at one point, but I sure has been taken down now.), but at some point the dream changed and I was alone and in a white room that was filling up with snow. I woke up at that point as I was shivering since I had kicked all the blankets off.

Last night instead of a drink Joe and walked Jack over to Mara's apartment and chatted along the way. It was a beautiful evening. We hung out there for a while. He had to work at 6 this morning and headed home to bed. After I made plans to meet Mara and Kyla this morning at Panera for breakfast, Jack and I drove over to Craig's.

He and I sat at his kitchen table and drank red wine while he gave me lessons on how to use the rice cooker he gave me. We read Robert Huss poems out loud and discussed his upcoming job interview. As most of our conversations at some point end up being about our recent break-ups, he reminded me that I did nothing wrong in my last relationship. Eric, when he was here, had pointed out to me that I am a bit harsh at times, and Craig disagreed. He said I am passionate and that is a good thing. He also said that one of the best things about me is that when I am dating someone I tend to voice all the good things about them even when no one else sees these things. And, he is right, that is something I do. He said there was no reason for me to change and I should stop thinking that I need to change. I am fine just the way I am. It was sweet of him to say these things, as I have wondered if I had just agreed more with my ex ,or been able to voice my thoughts different way that he could handle if that would have made a difference. He reminded me that the distance made it not easy and that I tried my best. He said that I have to remember that one day I will met someone again and everything will be the way it should be.

The only thing I wish I could go back and redo today in my last relationship is to have read more poetry to him. Nathan enjoyed it when I ead to him, and I wish I had given him a few more poems to take with him. Besides Craig, he is the first man I was really able to share that side of myself with (although Bjorn and I talk about our writing a lot it would maybe be silly to read to each other over the phone) and I miss having that experince with him.

I have had a few other moments when I have missed him over the last week. When I was getting out of the shower I realized that a pink and white polka dot summer dress was still hanging on the back of the bathroom door. The last time I wore it was when we went to some silly things of one of his former students. I remember how he put his hand on the place on my back where that dress dips down and how he told me he liked it very much. I could almost feel his hand in that same place as I took it down to pack away with the rest of my summer dresses. I miss his steadiness that came through everything he did including the way he touched me.

I drank a little more than I had planned on but I feel OK today. Maybe it is because he gave me a cup of ginseng and honey tea to sip with my wine?

When I got home I checked my email and wrote Bjorn a quick note before bed. Right after I sent it I realized he had just sent me an email and since he was up and online I took a risk and called him. It was after 3am and really much too late to be on the phone but after three rings he answered and we talked for 2 and half hours. He is so easy to talk to and tends to laugh at all my silly jokes and musings. I had planned on just saying 'Good Night' but it seems once we get started it is hard to find a stopping place. We talked about the odd jobs I have had over the years, and snow tires. I think he was surprised to find I once work at an escort agency as girl who answered the calls. We talked about how everything worth having or doing requires a lot of work. I crawled into be at 6:06am and slept very soundly.

I woke up at 11:15 and thought about staying in bed, but remember I was already late to meet the girls so I hurried and got dressed and went over to Panera. I was relieved to see that Mara's car was there and hoped that they hadn't been waiting too long for me. As I walked in they were standing in line, since they had both just gotten there too. We had a nice chat over the Sunday paper and Joe once again said something about my of choice of hats.

I left there and came home to clean and work. I swept the floors in all the rooms and deep cleaned the bathroom. I haven't watched television at all today opted for listening too my Ipod and am now at song 75. It has been a nice quiet day. I was happy to be alone in some ways. I made sure to sing along to songs as they came up, danced with my broom and mop, and walk around naked after my shower. It would have been nice to have had someone to spend this time with but I am OK with enjoying this time by myself too.

Last summer my sister, Taylor, had a long conversation about how maybe I would just have to come to terms that I was just going to be alone. While today, I don't believe that will be the case I do want to learn to take care of myself as well alone as I do when I am in love. I tend to be a better care taker of myself when I am also taking care of someone else, and I think that is a bad habit I should probably try and break. A first step in this plan is to start to make the bed everyday, which s something I tend to only do when I sharing my bed. I know it's silly, but it is a first step in the right direction.

I am thinking that I should keep the TV off more. I feel like I have gotten a lot done and have not been so distracted. I haven't started my paper yet, but will after I start a poem that is wondering around in my head. I am feeling less scattered and depressed today. I think part of that has to do with the facts that I have gotten to a point that I have realized part of what was causing my depression and it really has nothing to do with Nathan but with some choices I made when I was with Nathan. Now that I have realized what was happening, it will be much easier to take control of those things again.

While I was cleaning I found some more things left over from Nathan. An ankle bracelet, a pin he gave me from some artist, and a piece of a credit card. I added these things to the 'box.' Last night when I was talking to Bjorn he told me he has a box too. Some of the things in my box I'm not sure as to why they are there anymore. Over break I want to go through it again and make a list of the things that are in there since one day I plan on burning it all.