Finals are over

Thankfully, and I think I will pull a B out of the class, I wanted an A but will settle for a B. If I had done better on the midterm I am sure I could have gotten and A but no reason to stress about it now. It's out of my hands and in Goldbarth's. I should have bribe him somehow.

Eric has done a variety of sweet things for me today, besides being supportive while I study. Last night we went to bed super early which I think was good for me and helped my mood today. I woke up in a super better mood and wasn't as stressed about finals as I was yesterday. Eric, not only built me some make shift book shelves but he also took Sid to dinner and to the comic book store and open mike at Blank Page while I took my final. He also took Sid his meds to him this afternoon while I was studying. This is more than any man I have dated has done for me towards Sid since Sean. it's really amazing that he is even willing to do some of the things he does for Sid. Bjorn left me because he didn't feel able to play even a small role in Sid's life and with Eric I have never even brought it up and slowly he has done some small things that have really meant something to me. I don't want to think about it to much but it does relieve me a bit in this area since Eric and Bjorn are the same age, but also reminds me that I shouldn't think about the past so much.

Eric leaves on Friday. I've tried not to think too much about it, but I know that I am really going to miss him. Hopefully that old cliche holds and our hearts do grow fonder. I have a good feeling that we will probably be just fine.

When he does come back though we have to find a way to spend equal time at his place as we do mine. I feel bad that he is always here but sort of frustrated that he is never home. I'm hoping over the break that I can find some free things to help his place seem more honey to not only him but also to me so we will want to spend more time there together.

Whitman and I

are not getting along at all. I don't want to study him and he doesn't want to help me understand him enough to pass my final tomorrow. My last final before comps. I'm tried of being tested.

When Goldbarth return our midterms I almost cried. I thought I had did much better than I had, and when he read the 'best' paper out loud, I felt like I had learned nothing at all over the past four years. I don't even write up to m y own standards. I am not a failure but close. Critical prose is just so beyond my grasp and today, I have been feeling as if so many things are beyond my small pea size brain's grasp. So many thing I know I should know, but do not or have forgotten. Why do I push my self so hard and come up so empty handed?

I am greedy. I want too much. I want to be thin and beautiful, but also intelligent and successful, well-like by my peers, a better house keeper, etc.... But, I also feel burden by these ideas, as if, if I could somehow just except that I am not any of these things I would be able to live in a world of empty idleness, because when I look around and see all these people who really care about so little they seem more at peace with the world than I am. I want change not only for myself but also for the world. Enlightenment on some other level, and see also, how hard to is to obtain.

I've spent most of this day in an awful mood for no reason that I can tell except that perhaps I am feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed by school being done and Eric leaving on Friday so what I thought would be just ten days but has turned into a month now. In some way I am hoping that during it I will be able to do some heavy revising that needs to be done and start studying for comps in a more serious way, but I know that I am going to miss him. I have become accustomed to his being here. To saying good morning and good night to him every day. And, I fret too much on how the distance could affects us and then remember that he will be back for a few days over New Year's, which he is doing for me, because I asked him too.

Eric is sleeping on the lounge next to the windows in the dining room. Sometimes he will open his eyes for just a moment so sweetly and look to me. It is when I love him the most, when he his body is at rest, so quiet, so perfect.

What you should know

is it is not listening that we have a problem with, that is only a small part of the problem, it is with understanding. I need you to understand who I am, that through my trails and my own efforts to live through all, I have grown into the person I am today, walking next to you in the snow down the street, begging you to make snow angles and race to the back door.

When you say that you don't want to hear what I am saying--whatever it is--it hurts, because it makes me feel like you don't want to KNOW me on any level other than surface, and there is more to me than just the nice and sweet things.

And, I, too, want to know you. I want you to be able to tell me anything, to feel free to open up to me and know that I will not judge you or shame you, but honor you for these things. That I except you for who you are faults and all, because that is what love is.

Ok, so his parents don't know he smokes,

how do I feel about this? On one hand, whatever, there are many things my own mother does not know about me. My past dug abuse, etc.... But, on the other hand, why does he hide so many facts about his life from them?

He's going to have to tell his mother something before she comes down here, right? Since we're pretty much living together now. Earlier in the evening he even talked about doing over to get some more of his things that he needs and bringing them here. We've never really discussed any of this and suddenly we're moving my things around to make room for his. How do I feel about this?

I think my apartment is too small. If we're going to 'live' together than we are going to need more space. I'll bring that up after the break or something? A house. Close to campus and Northeast. Three bedrooms so we can have an office of some sort, but more of a room for him to do whatever he needs to do. Four would even be better but I think I'm just dreaming now. But, a front porch is a must, and maybe a back yard for Jack to romp around in.

Today, was better. And, I should remember that last night, he didn't run off like he did the last two times we fought. He stayed put and saw it through. He does listen. Maybe I relaly am not hearing him?

I'm exhaused.

I have yet to go back to bed...

I'm having flashbacks again. Fairly vivid scary ones from four and six. The ones from when I was four are scarier, but the ones from 6 are more vivid then ever before. They shake me and make me feel crazy and out of control. I work so hard to not forget what happen to me as a child, bit to try and not think about them. I like to think I have more control over my thoughts than that, but I don't. They come back when I least expect them too and haunt me like ghosts that have no place to rest their weary bodies so they too may find some peace now.

I think it's from the stress of the many things that are going on in my life. All the adjusting it's taking to being at a new and sullen cross roads of possibilities. Perhaps this is another reason why I am leery of taking comps and finishing my thesis, because it will be a huge chapter in my life has come to a close and I have no real idea what it is exactly I should be doing now. I've never been one for not having a real plan in some way or another and right now I have none. I think this is part of the reason I am not studying or writing as much as I should be.

When it happened I was crying in bed because I just don't feel like I do anything right that is really important. Of course I can go to the market and pick up supplies, but if he can't feel like he can open up to me and trust me than I am doing something wrong? Am I going about things in the wrong? Why the fuck is this so fucking hard all the time? I know that relationships take work, and so I have been trying to open up to him more a little bit at a time, because since Bjorn, I have been scared of letting anyone in too deep in fear of losing again and given up secrets that do not need to be shared if there is no reason for them to be, right?

He is sweet though for telling me that I did a wonderful job tonight.

And, last night he bought over a port wine cheese ball because I said I like them. Sometimes it is important to remember the little things in the big picture.

I can't sleep,

and am all tears and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could sleep; it would be so much easy then sitting in this chair right now so heavy with thought and burden.

Eric doesn't think I listen to him, and so this is why he doesn't talk to me. I think that I do listen to him more than he thinks I do, but he is right, I didn't really give him some time to process before questioning him about what his mother had proposed to transpire during Christmas break. I think that part of the reason I feel the way I feel right now is because he hasn't really told his mother or father that we're dating, and somehow this makes me feel less than important. Maybe he is ashamed of me? Although, I don't really think this is so, and probably really, is just my own insecurities of never really being good enough. I thought I had made a least part of what I said right by offering to clean his apartment up while he has gone so that his mother would feel comfortable there, and so she would be able to relax while she is here. I thought that was my way of saying 'OK, I understand that this is the plan now" and going with it. I also, thought I had told him I was sorry before we left for his recital.

When I was discussing it with my mom afterwards she told me I should have just stayed out of it. I wish I had talk to her first, but it seems lately that I have a problem speaking my mind about certain things and others around me either being hurt by my thoughts/word choice/ feelings or cutting my out of their life completely. I can't help it in some ways. If I feel strongly about something I can not not say something. It goes against my nature. Well, for years I did really just let people walk all over me or I stood back and watch while those I cared about the most were hurt either by their own actions or the actions of others and said nothing. Was that really any better? Looking back at it now it was like I was walking around blind and deaf in some ways. But, I am now learning that no one really wants to hear my thoughts on things because I state them too strongly, and where is the middle ground? Is there any? I don't think so. Tonight, when I was hurt by him telling Tim about how he was doing in school, I don't think he understood that I hadn't really made the connection between him going to East yesterday and that being an action he was taking to succeed because I guess I didn't know all of the details.

I wish he could see that in so many ways we are in the same places. That both he and I are not totally living up to these extremely high standards we have set for ourselves.

And, I thought I was being supportive. I really did. I thought I was cheering him on with the things I have been doing for him. I worked hard today to make sure that his recital went well because I wanted him to be able to feel good about it afterwards. And, at the Vagabond, when I told him that I thought he could be playing more of the things he has composed out; I was not only saying that because I really do think what he is doing with some of that is actually good, but to encourage him to do keep writing because it seems to be a place that he finds real joy.

When he talks about the past, about St. Lucia, I hear and feel the pain he has because he lost his place there. Sometimes I feel like he feels slightly guilty about it too. I know he would rather be there, where it is warm and sunny, teaching and making a difference.

I don't know. Things with Eric have been so different; I have no real skills on how to deal with it. In some ways our relationship is completely the opposite from everything in my past. My past relationships have been all emotional intimacy from the start, but no real day to day closeness. With Eric, I have seen him everyday since the beginning and am becoming used to his presence in my life. I enjoy him being around more than I can express. In a lot of ways, I haven't felt that dark aloneness, or the need to struggle against him. I have been able to take everyday as it comes and him some sides of me that no one has ever seen, partly because no one has ever seem interested or stuck around long enough for me to be capable of doing so.

And, at times I do feel like I've given up some things to make him happy. I let him chose what we're going to listen to most of the time because I just do. And, I don't watch certain things or listen to the radio because I understand that there are just somethings he doesn't or can't be distracted by, but I don't feel like he really understands that I'm doing this for him because I do care about him so much. I want to see him finish what he has started here with school because I think it will one day really pay off in some way, but how do I support him in a way that is meaning full and gratifying to him?

If he were to ask me how I he could support me more, what would I say? I know it would be nice and perhaps helpful if he asked me to read some of the poems from my comps list to him and talk with me about them a little bit, and if he would ask me if I was writing and ask to read the things I am working on and give me a little feedback on them. I asked him what he would need of me and he didn't say anything, only that it wasn't working out for us to be each others 'cheer leaders' but how can I cheer for him if I don't know how? I can ask him if he's practice, but I sort of felt like that would be bugging him in a way that would make him resent me more then appreciate me. I could lead by example but lately I just haven't felt inspired much. I will say that I have felt more inspired since we've started dating, because in some ways now that I have someone in my life that I do care about and who in some ways does make me feel secure, I haven't had to focus that energy on finding him. I find a certain amount of relief in his presence.

Maybe I should go again to bed, and try and find some of that relief now in his arms.

We are quite yet restless this evening. Perhaps it is because I am sick. Bad cough. stuffy nose, upset stomach, slight head ache. I thought I would be well enough to go to work today but I was drained in a way I haven't been for a while. I just went back to bed and whined and was demanding most of the day. I insisted that Eric and Sid took care of me. Sid more so as Eric was away at school.

Sid is having another run in with a girl. He had a couple of dates with this girl over the holiday weekend and thought she was his new girl friend, but today, she told him that she didn't want to be in a relationship. When did it become this complicated at 13? He did sit down and talk to Eric and I about it and it was a sweet moment. Eric explain some things to him perhaps better than I could and I followed with my own words of advice about letting go on some one when they put up red flags. It is all so much easier that way, in the end, to let go before anyone gets in too deep; although, at 13 how deep can you really get? I ask this half tongue in cheek. No one should slight any one's feelings, the problem, as Eric vocalized to me a while ago--is that teenagers are not quite sure of how they feel. They can do everything that an adult can do within limits, but yet the emotional core is still as of yet totally ready to deal with all it intercedes on a daily basis. It is a hard lesson to understand and yet there is innocence there that is pure and so beautiful. It is why even teenagers are a joy to have around, and in some ways, more so than younger children. He is a joy to have around more days than not.

I need to start focusing on myself a bit more on on Eric and Sid less though. I have to finish my thesis and start studying for comps. I should ask some of my friends to write me out practice questions.

Tonight, Eric referred to his own apartment as is weekend cottage because he never hardly stays there anymore. When he says these sort of things it makes me feel bad like I'm forcing him to stay here with me every night. I will admit that I gave him a key though, after a week, I slid a gold key into his hand because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. They third key was not for him but for my sister but I gave it to him instead. I also bought him a tooth brush, but neither of these things really felt like a big deal, but necessary. He needs to brush his teeth and he needs to lock the door behind him if he's still in bed after I leave. I guess I just didn't see these as such big deals at the time. Maybe I was wrong; maybe they were. I informed him that really in the end it was our relationship and only the two of us have to live up to it. That my friends, too, had been a little shocked by the hastiness of our sudden coming together. I should maybe insist on my own space a bit more though for the good of my own sanity. But, I feel fine overall with where things are between us.

Now he's flying paper airplanes around the house and my head hurts. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

In the back yard as we smoked, I listened to the wind chimes and watch Eric swing on the tire swing for just a moment, and there was something so innocent about that moment. The pureness of the chimes as the hit against each other...

Is there relief in giving away that which is most precious to you?

I have wondered about this for a while this evening in the cold on a porch while I smoked and the rain sounded as if it was in stereo. Eric beside me under the sleeping bag from my trunk and a refugee tried to explain to me women's rights how how possibility we would be left less oppressed about Islam. I could not listen to him. How does he know how oppress women really are. It has nothing to do with men and everything to do with being able to control our own sexuality, then with fair division of labor, etc...

My speakers are going out. Slight static from the left one that is becoming annoying as I listen to Altered Statesmen and watch Eric read over the parts of his life that I could not connect the sane way he can because I did not know him then, I only know him now and I am not even sure how much of that statement is really true. He did come out of his shell a bit tonight at Thanksgiving dinner and started to talk more. I think it's hard for some to follow his thought patterns and I have just started to become adjusted to them. Maybe not. Maybe losing hope is the right thing to do.

I just want some peace, a tad bit more happiness, and a lot more love.

In some way I feel like I have the world at my feet. My own personal possibilities are expanding in so many new and interesting places. I can once again only go up from here,

and a few days ago I almost cried because of this sullen fact, because I do not really know what it is I should really be doing and while I am overjoyed at some of my present positions, I am also scared to death of what will happen next. What if I fail? What if PFTM's doesn't work the way I think it will? What if I don't finish my thesis and fail comps? What if Blank turns out to be a big flop? Maybe I shouldn't fill my minds up with such thoughts.

Maybe because last night I cried and cried and in some ways it was such a simple release, so needed, and in some ways so humiliating to be so weak again in front of him. Every time I drop part of my guard I allow him to see a little more of who I really may be and can I do that again? Should I?

So, what if you lose that which is most precious? How do you go on? I've done it before but why and how do I keep finding the strength for such things? Why did God make me so strong in some ways and so weak in others? Is it really a miracle that I survive those dark facts about my childhood without too much damage, or is this why I continue to pick the unattainable?

It's cold and I'm tried. My show opens tomorrow night. My next show may be paintings. I think this and the piano are what I want to start to develop more. My pinkies though may be my downfall. But, we'll just have to wait and see.

I have trust issues. Huge ones. I wish I had gotten over these issues a while ago but alas I have yet to do so. I'm a constant ball of nerves and wish I could just let go and relax and enjoy my life a bit more.

I only recieved a B on my midterm. It's so upsetting, but I should remember that writing on the spot like that just isn't something I'm still not good at even after three years of grad school. After looking at all my mistakes I still wonder why I should even try to pass my comps.

I did it. I told him to either meet me this weekend in Iowa or it's over. It seems like such a waste. I wish we could have just taken a couple steps back and went about everything a little slower. If we hadn't talked about having childern and getting married so soon, then maybe we won't have had to rush everything else. I don't know. I think if we had made plans to see each other again that would have made it easier too.

I've been crying off and on all day. Cried myself to sleep last night. I'm going to miss him so much if he walks away. He's who I tell about my days. I didn't feel as lonely for a while. I hate being so lonely. I hate coming home and knowing that no one is going to be waiting for me, or cares what I've been up too that day.

I wish I could just get used to it. I wish I liked being alone. It would be so much eaiser.

Well, it isn't the day. I know that I should just leave him. What the hell am I waiting for some miracle? For something to change his mind or clear up his head so he'll get it together, because he's not getting it together and it has been a month. I should just pack it in. I deserve more than this, but I hate to walk away if I'm not totally sure.

If by Sunday nothing has changed. If he hasn't anwsered me and my questions than I'll take down my one pf my profiles he has access too and write the letter to let him know it's over.

Who knows. Maybe he'll come back one day.

If not, there has to be someone else out there that reads and likes good music. It's silly to think he's the only one in the world.

Today maybe the day. He leaves me. God I hope not. I love him so much.

I'm out of coffee

Ahh...I can't believe I'm out of coffee. What the fuck! I never run out of coffee! How did I let this happen? I'm not awake enough to walk across the street and to pick some up right now and my neighbors don't drink coffee.

I finally fell asleep around 3. It looks like you were up late too.My problem lately (well, besides our growing divide) is that I can't seem to get to sleep. Once, I fall asleep I seem to be able to sleep fine, so I decided to sleep in and just woke up a while ago.

At least I'm not hung over. I went out last night to meet Amber and Jen at the Vagabond. Jen couldn't come but Melissa was there so after a glass of wine we headed over to the Blue Lounge. I would have preferred to go to Barleycorns since there was a band playing there but didn't say anything and went a head and went with them. Drinks are two-for-one there on Thursday nights. It's really loud there. They turn up the juke box so loud you have to almost scream to talk. A few years ago when I still lived walking distance from there I would go there a lot on Thursday night. It is also the first bar I ever bar tended at, but it was a rib place then called Rics Rib Rac. Anyway, I had a glass another glass of wine and chatted with Melissa and this guy she's seeing behind her on again off again boyfriend, Mo's, back. They've hit a rough patch again so she's doing what she usually does. I can't remember his name. He seemed nice but I didn't feel right in with it in some ways. She's just going to cause herself more pain in the end, but I don't feel like it's my place to say anything to her either. Anyway, it was OK. When I was in a different place I used to go out all the time because I didn't like being at home by myself but I hardly ever enjoyed it. It seemed like a lot of work for no real payoff. Last night I had a nice time talking with them at the Vagabond but I could have done without the Blue Lounge in some ways. I have always sort of felt that bars are for getting drunk and hooking up. Very rarely do I find myself having a decent conversation, but that could be just me. Most of the people I know aren't into books or the music I listen to so the conversations focus on other subjects and I'm usually not into it. Maybe I'm becoming a snob. Maybe I've always been a snob. I don't like to think I am though, but it may be true. Gossiping is fine for a while but than I sort of lose my patience for it.

I did have a nice talk with one of the Indiekid land girls, Audrey. She didn't care for me at first, partly because I was friends with Mara, and she doesn't care for Mara at all, but lately we have been getting along better and she's really cool. Mix tapes are all the talk lately. The old fashion kind on cassette tape. She's started a company making tapes and has started making some really cool covers for them. We talked about that book Thurston Moore did about the subject. Her boyfriend is friends with him and is going to produce something for him sometime soon. Which is pretty cool. She wants to join the knitting group too. We may go together on Monday for a bit. We both have to work really early the next day so we'll probably only stay an hour or so. I have been asked to be in another art show in November so I may use that time to start putting some ideas and work together.

I should start on my day. I'm going to clean and do some laundry and hang around the house. I have to try and catch up with James too and get the money back I loaned him on Sunday for his rent. I probably shouldn't have loaned it to him but I didn't want to see him on the streets either.

It's been over two weeks since we've spoken. We've never gone that long before. Even we were just pen pals.

I probably sound very devastated. I'll survive and I'll learn from this. I'll remember that it's not smart to let anyone in too close.

I just need some comfort right now and this place where I work out my thoughts is my only comfort in some ways. Well, that and medation. I've been so tried though that when I do sit down and close mt eyes I tend to fall asleep, but then when I go to bed I can't sleep for hours.

I'm going to nap today in my office.

I think tomorrow may be my day to go to the prison to teach again.

No memory or dreams today as this should be a short post before bed, so maybe I can sleep tonight a little bit.

I will say that I think in the end this memory project I am doing will help me in some way. What that way is yet I am not sure. I think it may have to do with the fact instead of hiding from my past the same I passively do I am not looking at it and examining it in a new light. Maybe that will only make sense to me, but that is fine because it is for me.

Today, Bjorn sent me an email telling that I am extreme at times. I have never thought of myself that way before and I thought about it for quite a while. I then had a nice talk with Bill Hawks, who explained to me that I am not really extreme as emotional and I react sometimes strongly, but I am a woman and not a robot. He said I should always do what I feel is right as log as I am not abusing anyone in the process. He said if I am upset and want to delete my profiles or change my mood status that is my right, because I am only hurting myself.

OK, so I do react sometimes when I shouldn't. I know I do. I'm not perfect and I am only human I can only really take so much before I burst. I know that sometimes I should just take a step back and calm down before I open my mouth or put a word down on paper, but sometimes I can't I have to say something right then.

Bill also said some things to me that have lingered with me most of the day and I haven't quite made sense of yet. He reminded me that because my father left me at such a young age that perhaps I still think that all men are either going to hurt me or abuse me, so I will try and make them leave in some way or another even if I do it subconsciously.

I am insecure. I hate to think it's because my father left me that is why I am this way, but I'm sure it it is no matter how much I want to admit it there is probably some truth in that. I'm insecure because my mother didn't really care for me because she had to work all the time and when she wasn't at work she was drunk and screaming about how she never wanted kids to begin with and I forgave her for some of that but it still affects the way I deal with people, and she left me with people who also didn't care about me. Three men abused me before for I was ten and then I was raped when I was 14. I've struggled my whole life to feel worth wild when so may told me I wasn't.



So, I will go ahead and take half the blame for the bad moments and possible failure of my most recent relationship. I tend to think I'm not good enough and need to be reassure a lot, because I do know as a child I never receive enough of that. I was taken advantage of and used. But, after a while I was starting to feel assured. He helped me to trust him in some very small and sweet ways, but then he didn't talk to me about how he truly felt, and that triggered something right at the same moment I was beginning to become very depressed. I have been asking for answers and for some sort of resolution. I did my best to be calm and patient for as long as I could be and than I freaked out and changed some things around on my stupid online profiles and so fourth. I am not perfect and while I am strong in a lot of areas my heart is very weak at times. Especially if I really love someone.

He doesn't tell me that he loves me anymore, that he's hanging onto our friendship.

That hurts. It hurts so much.

I expected to be hurt in this at some point. People hurt those they love even if they don't always mean too. I try very very hard to not hurt or to minimize it if at all possible.


And, he wonders why I act extreme. He told me he was in love with me, so I let him into places that I don't let anyone into. I feel stupid. Like I've fallen for some bad joke. I should have never let him in so far and I don't think I'll do it again. It cause me to become too close.

I don't want to really talk to anyone about it because I know what the responses I'll get. I will be half I told you so and half I'm sorry I really liked him, you were so happy, I thought it would work out.

Love is scared to me. I don't do it easily or lightly.

I will also take the blame for my depression. I felt it coming on and I wasn't keeping up on my supplements that really do make a difference. After just a few days on 5 HTP and I am feeling much better. I have to be responsible for that part of my mental health.

So, yeah maybe I'm a bit emotional at times. Maybe I'm even extreme, but I am suffering.



-------------------------------------

As I close for the night two things that Thich Nhat Hanh reminded me of today as I read some of his words:

in true love there is no room for pride. If you are suffering, every time you are suffering you must go to the person in question and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. It you think your love for this person is true love, you must overcome your pride, you must always go to him or her.

(Isn't this what I was doing at time without always good results)

and,

By listening and calm understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person.

Am I not listening enough to those who I love.

Tomorrow I will listen closely to my love ones and hopefully in turn they listen to me, but if they do not I will not let it affect me too much.

One that keeps me up at night

My second memory--

I was in the babysitters backyard playing by myself. I can't remember her name now. Peggy? Pam? I can still point to the house on Water st. though. It was dusk. The sun was setting and I was wandering around. I know there were no toys because I never played with toys as a child. I had a lot of them but I never played with them. A man came out to the yard from a side door. The house was a duplex. It was the color of pumpkins. I used to call it the pumpkin house. There was a white car, four doors, the back passenger's door was open. He gave me a white peppermint lifesaver and lulled me into the car. I remember that he had dark skin, long black hair and was wearing a white t-shirt and cut off jean shorts that were so short his balls were hanging out. I don't remember anything else.

A few days, weeks (?) later I must have told my mother. From this I remember a long white hallway and her holding my hand for the last time (she really never held my hand after that). Later, driving over to that house. Police being there. My mother yelling at him as he drove up in a van without windows. He was shirtless and wore a straw hat. The police told my mother to be quiet or she would go to jail. I waited in the car. I didn't understand why she was screaming at him or what was wrong really. When she came back she started the car and sped away the four blocks to our house. His girlfriend was a beatiful Native American woman. She lived in the apartment. She had long dark shiney hair that went all the way down her back. Sometimes she would be nice to me when I was shut out of the house. She was screaming too. She was crying as much as my mom.

I was not crying. I would not cry about this for many years later after the flashbacks started.

I never went back to that house.

I did though walked by it almost everyday on my way to school when we still lived in that neighborhood . My friend Joey once, when we were 8 or 9 told me that someday he would blow it up. I've mentioned it in one poem and it may appear in another and I showed it to Bjorn when he came and visited.

I don't think I'll ever need to go by it again.

______________________________

My dreams last night--

I don't remember much except that I was on a bed that was too short and whoever I was with somehow made it longer so our feet wouldn't hang over. He wanted to have sex, but I didn't so he left me. The next things I remember was that I was at a laundry mat talking with my sister's boyfriend about my break-up and crying and he was wearing an eye patch. He gave me an old red truck that was missing it's doors and I was having a hard time driving it for a while. Then I parked it and sat on a cliff and when I came back it had doors again and was newer. It was a very strange dream.


I didn't sleep well again last night. It may have been because I was a bit tipsy when I went to sleep, or my insomnia is coming back as that was the second night in a row that I haven't been able to fall asleep. I've noticed that I am once again sleeping in the middle of the bed, trying to take up as much room as possible and rolling myself tight in the blankets.

If no one can hold me, I will hold myself.

My classes today were just awful. Beyond awful almost. No one was prepared to workshop for Thursday and only half my first class came. My second class was even worse as the two who were suppose to workshop today didn't even show up, but the two who will workshop on Thursday did show up so we'll have their papers to work on and I think I'll give a quiz too. Just because they need one.

I once again have a headache.

I'm going to have to find a job for summer after all because I don't think I'll make it on what I have saved. Anne is looking for a job and she may be able to have me sit her boys while she works and that would be a win/win for both of us. I only need to make around $200 a month to be comfortable. It's not that big of a deal I was just looking forward to not working and looking for a job raises my anxiety levels to a pretty high state. Plus, I know that most places would rather not hire only summer employees as it costs so much to train people to have them quit. I did see one decent job that was summer only at school today that I should look at more tomorrow during my office hours.

What happened to the days when all I had was pancake mix and I was happy. I guess if I didn't need to do some work on my car and pay for some things for Sid it wouldn't seem so bleak.

I think something that is bothering me today is that I have told a few people that I'm pretty depressed and not one of them has called to see if I'm doing any better. I try and reach out to my loved ones when I know they're hurting and sad, maybe this is why so many think I can just get through this tough time on my own. And, really I will. So, I shouldn't dwell on it too much.

While Sid was at piano lessons I was sitting outside in the rain because it smelled nice and although it was cold it felt good when my friend Jared Parsons walked by. He sat down and talked with me for a while and out of nowhere he placed his hand on my leg and just sat there like that for a second and then leaned over gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he had to run. What was that? He is so weird. I get the kiss on the cheek sort of, it's the hand rubbing my thigh I don't understand. A long time ago he asked me to meet him at this show and than didn't talk to me the whole time, which was fine it was a great show and I had a blast. I just don't get what he was doing today.

Joe is on his way over for dinner because I have to host open mike tomorrow. He and his girlfriend broke up and he wants to talk about it some more.

I have all these papers to finish grading still tonight too and I should try and write something and maybe read for an hour.

Do the things that give me some pleasure. Maybe take the dog for a walk too.

--------------------------

Joe just left. We had fun eating dinner and watching some of American Idol and looking at Allmusic.com, which he has a listing on for an album he played on with the Chicken Hawks.We talked about why he and Alex broke up and I guess my feelings were right that she was lying to him about some things. I wish I hadn't been. I wish she had been telling the truth. He asked if I wanted to go to Des Monies with him next Friday. I can't remember which band he said wants him to play with them for a few days on tour. I almost said sure, but something about it just didn't quite feel right. We listened to a couple new mixes I've put together this week and laughed at the kids because they were all so excited about having some ice cream. He told me that I was really good with kids. It was about the nicest compliment any one's said to me in weeks.

Sid's still looking for his lost retainer. I'm hoping we find it soon. He feels so bad about it. I wish I could make him feel better but, I know he won't unless we find it since he won't be getting any allowance for five months if we have to buy him a new one.

I finished grading my second classes papers and most of them did fairly well, which made me feel a little better about my teaching skills. Some of them still need some work, but I think they'll get it by the end of semester if they keep trying.

I wish I could get rid of this headache.

I thought for a minute about trying to make up with Kyle. He sent me an invite to be his friend on this Goodread website but he may have sent it out to all of his friends in his address book. I miss having someone to go to the recycling center on Saturdays with, but now maybe too much time has passed, and it would be just too awkward? I don't know.

I miss Mara too, but I don't know what to say to her either.

If nothing else I think the next time something gets heated between me and a good or decent friend I should just for a moment to calm down. Even though I am usually right, I don't think I state my opinion in way others can handle. Maybe I need to become more feminine or something?

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get my chap book together to send out to a contest. I can't afford the entry fee, but I think I can have EGSA reimburse me for it.

I filled out my FASA today too so today hasn't been a complete waste.

I have been taking too many of those silly quizzes on OKcupid. What a huge time waster in some ways and what a great way to get out on my head in others.

_________________

On a final note we did find Sid's retainer.

Sometimes small miracles do happen.

Damn it! I said I wasn't going to cry today.

I was about three or four, but not old enough to be in school. It was a warm day. The sun was out. My mother was very very upset with me but I can't remember why or what I did to make her so mad, she was screaming at me and I was screaming out the window that I wanted my 'daddy' over and over again. My mother screamed at me something like he's never coming back and walked out the house and left me there. She was gone for hours. It was dark and I went to sleep. The next day she was home again, and didn't say anything about where she had gone. I've always wondered why she came home. The next years I spent more time with baby sitters than her, or maybe I already was spending more time at the sitter's house by then. I can't really remember.

How do you let go of the trauma from your childhood?

Is this why I have abandonment issues?

How do you not let it affect your day to day life and the way you deal with not only yourself but also those you love?

-------------

The rest of my day hasn't been anything worth noting. I slept in because I had a pretty bad migraine. It started as I tried to fall asleep and kept me up have the night. I finally crawled out of bed around 11:30. Spent the morning with Sid, took a bath, got dressed, ran a few errands, and went to workshop, which wasn't too painful. I received some decent comments on my poem. Came home and had dinner with Sid. I ate too much, but what's new? I was asked to guest host open mike on Wednesday at Blank Page, and was invited to see a band on Thursday night at Rack 'EM Up. I may go to that. Who knows? I probably should start going out a little more, but I also haven't finished grading all these papers. I do have five hours of office hours still this week.

Maybe tomorrow Micheal will ask me to teach poetry workshop again. that would be cool. I would really like it.

I found out that my collage work was accepted for the show in November at Blank Page about ten minutes ago.

I feel a little better emotionally today. I don't feel any worse.

I did say that I was sorry in class for only bringing begals because I had forgotten and wasn't doing that well the last few days. No one batted an eye.

Brandy just called, she was the one and only person who was in the least bit upset about my apartment being invaded on Friday and wants to change the locks for me but the maintaince man came and fixed it this morning. She also told me I should probably pack it in. I told her I had felt the same about her and Kevin and she used the time argument for their relationship, but what does time have to do with it really? If you feel strongly about someone time probably has nothing to do with it.

Maybe James is right. Maybe I am only good to date for three months.

I can't let myself believe that though. I'm just so fucking insecure, and now I don't trust him as much as I once did. Which hurts a lot because for a while I trusted him more than I had trusted anyone for so long. I guess we're even now since he doesn't think I'm as strong as he once did so I guess we're even.

We just made a deal to not email serious things after midnight or make unexpected phone calls. I'm glad that I made a suggestion of something I needed and he did too. At least we're explaining what we both need a little clearer. It's been almost two weeks since we've spoken on the phone anyway.

He's being fairly passive again. I've asked him to explain some thing to me and I get no response. I ask him to help me understand where he's at, and he never replies.

I have wondered a lot lately if I wouldn't have been invested in this if we had never daydreamed together about having a future together. I've never done that with anyone including my ex-husband (one day we just got married). I shouldn't have put any stock in those long talks.

They were just like all the times Ian told me he loved me when he was drunk and the next day would say he never said that or that he may have said it but he didn't mean it.

I never do that though. I only say what I really truly mean. I know how bad it hurts when someone doesn't. When someones says something and later takes it back. It hurts so bad.

I know that we need for some things to lighten up a little bit, but I also need to know if I should be moving on to whoever else is out there.

It breaks my heart to even think that way though. It makes my stomach chrun. It's like giving up, and I just don't feel ready to give up yet. It's like Taylor and I say "We're not ready yet." when we're still hanging on to things. She reminded me today that everyone goes through rough spots and it's up to me to decide how much I will or will not take.

Can I take much more?

I don't know.

My dream last night--

I had some strange dreams last night when I did sleep. All I remember is that I was given a diamond ring and it was too big for my ring finger so I had to wear it on my middle finger (which in voo doo it is believed to have a vein that runs from the finger to the heart), but it was a little too big for that finger too. I kept trying not to lose it. It was gold and the diamond was huge and stuck up high from the top. What I can't remember is if he got on one knee or two when he gave it to me.

Last night was fun and sort of surreal. I think I want to write a piece on bachelorette parties. I've been to three in the last year and they were all so strange to me. But, maybe that's just me? I don't know I think I may be onto something though. I'm not so sure why limos are fun except that you don't have to worry about whose drinking and who will do the driving. We went to a dance club on the west side and I danced for the first time in years. I'm just never comfortable in my own skin and I've never been one to dance to show off for men. But, for a few moments last night I closed my eyes and moved around a little and it was nice. I guess.

I have another idea for my second non-fiction piece that is more memory based on my own life but I'm not even sure where I should start that one yet.

I found out today that I need ten pieces for the art show in November. I haven't done any collage work in a while but have a few ideas for some things. I have been gathering materials and thinking about some boxes I would like to create.

I went and had coffee with James hoping to talk for a little bit, but he just wanted to borrow some money for rent and than explained that most people don't want to hear about what's going on in your head, that I am the sort of woman that's probably good to date for three months and not much longer (which was about the oddest thing James has ever said to me and I have wondered all day what his motives were for saying that exactly), and that there has been a lot of talk lately about how 'hot' I am now (compared to how ugly I was at some point?). He told me it was all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room, that was what all men want (I guess it's too late for that for me). They want the women they are with to be stronger than they are because all men are really weak at the core. (Was he trying to make me feel better?)

I almost laughed out loud at that because he has no real idea all the pain I've had to live through. I've never thought of myself as 'crazy' though. In fact, I'm think I'm pretty sane. I may be depressed at the moment. I may be struggling through some things both internal and external but I'm not insane by any means. And, I am not weak. I may have caved and started smoking again, but that does not in any way make me not any more worth wild than I was a few weeks ago. And, I will stop smoking again. And, I may slip again. It's not easy. When I'm freaking out smoking, sadly, helps me to clam down and think because there is a ritual within that act. When you light a cigarette you remove yourself from the moment for a brief period. This becomes like a defensive mechanism. One that I've used for so long now and when I quit the last time, while I had a lot of emotional support and love through it, I didn't have a plan as to what I would do if a moment came up where I was stressed out. I have a plan now, of sorts, anyway and now that I have quit again, I will have to try and apply it. There will always be moments when I'm stressed out and I will have to learn to handle those times. There will always be times when someone hurts me in some way and I will have to learn to not smoke to get through those moments. I don't like being addicted to smoking, because I have always hated it when I have watched my love ones struggle with their own addictions. I understand how hard it is to stop though. I don't criticized them if they slip. I try to just love them through it and hold their hands and praise them when they conquer. I try and remind them that they can do it without making them feel bad about themselves because they probably feel pretty awful already.

One thing I was thinking I should do is when I want a cup of coffee and don't want to go to Panera I should go to the Perk now instead of the Vagabond since they just went non-smoking. At least for a while. I don't know anyone who hangs out there anymore but maybe I'll meet some new people. I wish Wichita would just go smoke-free already. It would be better for everyone.

Mo told me if I had been wearing something sexier he would have taken my picture. I didn't tell him how I hate to have my picture my taken. And, what the flower prairie dress I found in my closet with the DAV tag still on it, isn't sexy? Who is he to decided what is sexy and what is not. I guess his comments got under my skin a little bit because I felt attractive today. My hair looked great and my bangs are finally at a nice length.

I've told five people that my apartment was invaded on Friday night, and no one has seemed in the least bit concerned. I'm not sure why I told anyone about it. I'm glad I'm not dead. But, it doesn't look like anyone would have noticed anyway.

Happiness is fleeting, but then so is sadness.

I tried to take a nap while Sid played outside with his friends. Jack barked the whole time and the kids ran in and out. It was sort of funny. When I got up I made some dinner and Krammer came by to chat. We talked a lot about her latest mess with Kelly, and she gave me some homeopathic pain pills for my shoulders. It was nice to see her but I wish she would stop getting so involved with those people we both know who are doing such hard drugs. I hate having to be so tough with her about it but I don't think anyone else is really.

She was a tad bit shocked when I told her that I don't believe in soul mates, or true love, or falling in love.

I do believe in real love.

Real love takes work and time.

I tend to make wishes. A lot of them. It seems so silly sometimes. Today, I haven't made one. I've been making the same wish for months now. I think of wishes like short prayers. Maybe I'll say more about that tomorrow. I don't think I would make wished but sometimes they do come true.

Tomorrow, I have to start getting somethings in order. I have to make a list:

I need to fill out my FASA, grade papers, pick up a snack for class, print the poems for class, give Albert what I do have for mt thesis, find out when the fellowship app is due, see if I can download the drivers again for the dvd burner for this laptop, go to the gym, call and check my bank and credit card balances, and look at the job at Wesley that Krammer told me about for summer,call about the library tour for my students, and go to class. I don't have to prepare for class tomorrow at least.

Ok, now that I have that all down. I think I can go to sleep. I'm going to start taking 5-HTP again and see if that helps to perk up my mood. Can't hurt it any.

I should be out looking for a better gift for the party I'm going to tonight, but instead I'm at home trying to decide what to wear tonight. Maybe I won't buy another gift. What's wrong with a yellow vintage nightie. I was taught to appreciate the person who gives you the gift and not the gift.

I guess I feel a bit bad too because I splurged on myself and order a new dress online just now, but it's to wear to her wedding! I guess I feel bad too because, I know how broke I am and I shouldn't really be buying myself a brand new dress, but I haven't bought myself a brand new dress in so long! Something like a year at least. OK, I'm not going to dwell on this. It's OK to do nice things for just me sometimes.

And, I'll find a job somewhere this summer and will be able to pay off my credit card for the car repairs and everything money wise will be fine.

I have to quit smoking again on Monday and start taking something for my depression. There is no real reason as to I have a bottle of 5 htp and St. Johns Wort. I may be out of Kava Kava, but I don't think that it really works as well as the other two for me.

I hate inaction and it's time to do something.

The last time I felt really happy was right before my birthday. Spring sometimes does this to me. I remember feeling a little blue last year right around this time when I was writing songs with Allison (who I should have went and saw last night) maybe it has something to do with the weather changing?

But, things were a bit better in March though. I wasn't smoking and I was trying to walk at least a couple times a week. I was feeling a little better mentally and physically. I had no idea what I was going to do but it felt OK because things felt like they were going to be OK. Like everything was heading the on a path where things would work out in the right way.


I had some faith and belief that things were going to still work out with Bjorn and I in some way or another, we were still having more positive interactions then negative ones, I have all these emails from him saying he misses me and loves me, now we're in what I fear a sort of emotional deficient and I think there's one two ways to fix it either break it off, or see each other again and see if any of what we felt three months ago is still there. Everyday I feel myself care a little less.

I was thinking about how when Nathan and I were breaking up I gave him four days to decide what he wanted to do because he asked for some time to work it out in his head. When he drove here to tell me his choice I felt relieved in some ways. I'm not sure why I have been so patient with Bjorn, but every time I think of cutting him out of my life I start of to feel sick to my stomach. I haven't really been able to keep any food down. I thought today that I would start slowly taking the things I have from him, one item at a time and put them away in the suitcase and when I tried to put a letter in there I started to cry.

It's not fair. This is not who I am. I'm stronger than this. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is he under my skin so deep. I've reread all our emails a dozen times now trying to understand how this all happened. Why this happened. Why can't I just pack it fucking in alrealdy?

Is this what love is?

I do love him. There's no way around that. I wish there was.

I have to start making things feel better again. Or at least be able to keep my food down and not burst into tears all the time.


Last, night, late when I was sleeping, Jacks jumped off the bed and started barking and growling. He doesn't usually growl. I started for the kitchen just as the back door slammed. The locks are broke and I called someone to come and fix them but they never showed up. I should have called the cops but I was so scared I just crawled into my bed and started to cry till I fell back to sleep.

It's 2:30 and no one has called me yet to tell me where I should meet everyone tonight for the party. Maybe they won't call and I won't have to go. Part of me secretly hopes that they don't. Maybe I gave them the wrong phone number. If they don't call by 4:00 I'll just plan on staying home alone again tonight. There are worse things I could do really.

Three months ago today I was in Iowa laying in a hotel room falling deeply in love. It seems for some reason important to acknowledge this date. I have never told a man that I love them before they say it first and I think I did that night because it felt so right for the first time in so many years. I had stopped believing that love like that was even possible. It was the stuff in movies but it was not real life. In real life, love like that doesn't happen.

My friend, Jason, explained to me that time travel was not really possible. That there was no way to go back in time so we might as well always focus on the here and now.

So, right now I am alone in my living room on a Friday with a towel on my head and watching bad television. That is just where my life is right now, but it won't always be this way. It will get better.

My dreams were so odd last night. I wish I could remember them better now. They seemed so real and not dreamlike at all. Once when I was dreaming I had to remind myself that I was dreaming and not living life. At one part I was lying on a blanket in a town square in the sun. I wasn't alone but I'm not sure excatly who I was with now, and the sun felt so warm on my face.

Eric is upset that I'm not coming up. He even tried to give me some money to come up, but I'm just not in the mood today. I wish I was but I'm just not. He's a good friend though and understands. He talk me down off the cliff just now. Reminded me that I'm not making a big deal out of all this and even if I am that's OK too. He agreed with me about my thoughts on the Sid issue and that maybe he is making a bigger deal about it then it really is.

Today, I am going to try and do jsut a couple of things that make used to make me happy, but I have to figure out what those are. I really just want to be outside but it's just a tad too cold and windy to really sit outside today.

I know that in the end it all comes down to Sid. I've been thinking about this fact all day. He knows he's a great kid, which he is, but isn't ready to take on that aspect of my life. I understand that in some ways and don't in others. I think this is mainly because I've never been rejected because of my child. It's never been an issue so I'm not sure what to do.

He hasn't spent any time around Sid, but the one time he did Sid acted like a jackass. Brandy and Melissa keep telling me that this is where the problem started, but I don't think so I think that maybe it started before then.

Brandy thinks that all men are jealous of a women's children. Which sounds like about the silliest think I've ever heard.

I know that he's confused and scared of having to take on some sort of role in Sid's life, and while I don't understand that in some ways I'm trying too. Sid has a father though, so I'm not sure what role he thinks he has to take on besides that of being a friend. I think he thinks that at some point he's have to tell Sid what to do or deal with him in that way and doesn't feel ready for that task. I don't know how to tell him anymore than I already have that it won't happen overnight. These things take time. I feel like he's made it a much bigger issue than it really is, and than I feel bad for thinking that way because I have no right to judge how he feels.

Sometimes it feels like he isn't even willing to try and what do I say to that? Really is there anything I can say to that? It makes me fell a bit angry as I sort of feel he should have worked this worked this out before we meet. He always knew I had a child. It wasn't like I surprised him when we meet or anything. Ahhh.....

Once, he told me he knew he would love Sid. I shouldn't have believed that statement. I should have taken it as just the way people talk when they're first falling in love or something. I thought it was OK that I had Sid since he said he wanted children. I wish I hadn't trusted those statements the way I did.

I don't know. Most of my older girlfriends think I should just pack it in, but it just doesn't seem that easy and when I think about it I feel like I'm going to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling all around.

The last few days things have seem to have gotten a little bit better, like we're both trying to work things out just a little more, but we still don't have any plans to see each other again, so really everything is still up in the air. I should be talking to him about all this and not writing about it but I'm afraid to put any more pressure on him. I'm scared of what he'll say and I also know that I can't make him be ready or change his mind. He has to do those things on his own. In my silliest moments I want to think that the fact that we love each other so much that we can make it work.

Right now I just feel really really cheated by fate.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Whenever I start to think about it I just want to cry, my stomach gets all knotted up.

I miss the sound of his voice, and his fingers on my ears, and the way it feels to lay next to him, and talking to him about nothing, and holding his hand, and talking to him in the dark. I miss him. I wish I didn't miss him, but I do.

Maybe with time it will just pass.

I'm a broke record who can't have her cake and eat it too.

In other news,

Sid has been a great mood lately. All his grades have gone up. He wakes up happy and smiling. He doesn't give me too hard of a time except about getting off the computer and and washing his face. I think I'm going to make some sort of flow sheet to help him keep track of some things like computer time and practicing his piano.

I was going to go to Lawrence this weekend and see Eric but I feel like I have too many papers to grade and I'm just not in the mood to go to far from home right now. Plus, I have so many papers to grade.

I am going to go to my high school friend Heather's bachorlette party on Saturday though. I wasn't going to but we're going to be riding in a limo and I've never ridden in a limo. I know how silly that sounds but it may be my only chance to do so.

Last night, Joe was the only one who came over for family dinner. I was drunk before 9 and we sat on the couch talking about his life. I gave him some advice that seemed so simple and easy. When I asked for some back he reminded me that my life isn't that easy or black or white, but told me that he thought Sid was a great kid and he hopes to always be in our life in some way. He also joked with me about how it was sad that we never felt gushy for each other, as our lives would be a lot easier if we had. We joked about our one of our two dates and how they were both so awkward . It was sweet, and he's right. We're not right for each other or we would have already been together. He's a good friend to the two of us though.

I was asked to be in another art show but I can't find any pictures of my work to show them which they need to really decide. I'm not sure if I even have any want to make any new art right now but I guess it is something I could do over the summer.

When was the last time I really laugh?

I wish I could remember.

I may go out tonight. It's my friend Jared's birthday, but I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to be around anyone other than myself. I don't have to work tomorrow though. I don't know. I need to get out of this funk. Start writing again.

God, I wish I could just write a few lines.

Then at least I would feel like I was doing something worth wild beside grading papers.

I wish I could eat without getting sick.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Tired.

I'm so tried today. I slept last night but today I have just felt really really tired. I even look tried. I have been trying to get back on my sleep schedule so maybe once I'm back on top of that I'll feel a lot better.

Today, has been decent. I taught two classes, had lunch in my office, and while I was doing that was asked at the last minute to fill in for the poetry workshop instructor. I didn't have any time to prepare so I had to go in cold, but I think I did a pretty decent job. It's was a bit odd to teach a 400 level class when there were a few people that were older than I am in the room. I could tell one guy wasn't sure what to think but I think by the end of the class he had warmed up a little bit. It was also funny how much they complained about Hathaway. I know it's wrong but it made me feel a little better about my own run-ins with her over the years. I also realized again what sort of teacher I want to be and I hope that one day I will be. I really like student centered learning and I think I should do a bit more research on that soon.

Sid and I had some fun family time tonight. We laid in bed and watched a movie. The movie wasn't really that great but we did laugh a lot and watched Fred try and eat out popcorn. I'm glad we did that together. The other day I was complaining about how he never really wants to spend time with me anymore and how I'm realizing that I missed out sometimes when I felt too busy to 'play' with him. He's growing up so fast. He's walking places be himself now and almost totally taking care of himself, but not quite, but he's getting closer all the time.

I've tried not to dwell too much on anything today, but he's been in my thoughts on and off all day. All the things I wish I could say to him, but how I just don't have the words and even if I did I'm not sure I would allow myself to say them. I'm always insecure that I say too much and now I'm really afraid to say too much, that if I let myself getting any closer than I am already am what will happen? Sometimes I worry I told him too much too soon. Some of the things he knows I've never told anyone in fear that they won't be able to handle it and I'm still not sure why I told him as much as I did and so soon too. I'm afraid I told him I love him too many times.

But, what else was I suppose to do?

I was looking at my day planner today wishing that we had a date on the calendar again. I dreamt last night about being in Iowa with him and felt so sad when I woke up because I'm starting to understand that maybe I'll never seen him again. That now it is a very real possibility and not just me being my weird insecure self. I daydreamed today about being in Iowa next weekend even if it was by myself just for some sort of relief.

I know how dumb that sounds. I feel so numb right now and all the tears I have been holding back all day are coming up to the surface again. I feel silly for missing him so much when he's so confused.

Every time I think about moving on it seems unfair to do so just because he's confused, but when I told my mom that she said I was crazy. But, isn't it? How can I say that I love him and mean it if I just walk away because he's confused? It seems wasteful and hasty, or something.


I don't know.

Maybe she's right.

Or, maybe I'm beginning to sound like a broken record.

I had a thought just now that I should get out of my head and down on so that maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight and not toss and turn--

Am I becoming obsessed with all this?

I thought about that for a moment and than I realized that no, I'm just working my way through all the sadness and indecision and if I'm still feeling like this in a couple of weeks than I should really think about it all again.

I wish I could say that I felt better today, but I don't.

For a moment I did sort of feel better at the market for some reason while I was talking to the cashier, but it passed as soon as I got back out to my car.

I keep thinking maybe I just made it all up in my head. All those feelings I felt were just me being so lonely I just assumed that he felt them too and really none of the past three months happened. But, then I reread an old email and I remember something I forgotten before, the way he moves his head sometimes, or the way he put his arms around my shoulder when I was driving him around the down and out places I lived in as a child. All the fucking things I've told him. I shouldn't have let him in so much. I should have just kept all my secrets to myself. Never told him I fell for him.

Those aren't things I share with just my 'friends.'

If he isn't sure how he loves me than why did it bother him the couple of times I signed my emails 'love ya' instead of 'I love you?'

I feel like I've been tricked-- Here fall for me, and once I have you on the hook I'm going to go ahead and tell you that maybe I love you only like a friend. Once you've taken your guard down lower than it has been in so long you can't remember, I'm going to tell you that I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you, even though I have told you I was in love with you, remember I said it in Iowa, and I kept reminding you that I love you every time you felt scared....

FUCK.

I'm really trying to understand. I really am, but I just don't.

All those times he told me he loved me he didn't mean it the same way I did? He didn't really feel the same way I did when we were in each others arms talking about how being that close together sort of felt like home?

I tell my friends I love them and they tell me but it always sounds different. It has a different tone to it.

I wish I could just let it go, I keep trying. I wish I could shut the door to all this confusion and just walk away. Why can't I? I have before. I wasn't at all upset when the drunk lover left, and when Nathan and I broke up, I allowed him to walk out the door. I was upset when he left, I'll even admit to being hurt, but it was mainly because I was being rejected for being myself and not for having a child. Which hurts about 1000 times worse. But, at some point with Nathan I realized that I was better off without him and got over it. I was more upset about being alone than losing him and that is not at all the case here with Bjorn.

I just feel so stupid. And so sad and confused and no one seems to be to help so I keep trying to just pray and offer it up. To just keep living for just right now and than something will remind me of him and I start to cry all over again.


I started crying a little bit ago in front of my mom and Sid when they were talking about how badly they acted at dinner that night, and when I told them how much it bothered me not just that night but also tonight, my mom told me to 'shut-up' and hope that one day I find a man who knows what he wants.

I thought he did.

At least enough to know that he loved me.

It's not the first time I was wrong.

I'm sure it won't be the last.

I feel bad whining so much about this when everyone around me is going through real pain. I have no right to be so selfish.

I'm just one person.

I've been having so many odd dreams. The other night I dreamt I was in jail for six years but for something that was really small and petty. That dream was followed by some very sexual dreams that I can't really remember now but they felt very very real at the time.

I had the oddest dream this morning when I was so tired I just couldn't stay awake where I had a beard and I had to shave it and I had no idea how to shave and when I tried I just started crying and when I woke up I was covered in tears. It was so odd. I cry a lot. I cry over sad commercials and sad poems. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and I cry when I see my friends hurt. With two lovers I have cried during sex, with one more than the other, but I have never woke up crying.

I received an email from a friend whose wedding I am going to in a couple of weeks asking if I wanted to be seated by a single guy or if I would be bring a date. That made me cry. I know she meant well though. My office mate called to tell me she wants to introduce me to some guy she knows from this jazz club. Eric is still pushing the piano player and all of the sudden I'm being stalk by a whole slew of new weirdo's on Okcupid. James Harris wrote me and said it was too bad I wasn't naked the last time he saw me. Something about that didn't feel right since he's engaged now and she's having a baby. I know he was kidding but it still bothers me.

Isn't that always the way it goes?

Craig sent me a nice text message today. I really miss him. We're having a hard time maintaining our friendship since he moved. But, I know it would be like this so I'm OK with that fact. I know that his door is always open to me coming and visiting him wherever he is and that it will be like he never left. But, I really wish he was still here. He did tell me that he's not writing well either and blamed it all on the weather so that was funny and nice to hear.

Albert wants to see my thesis. I'm not sure why I'm so worried about it but I am. It's only half way done and the last half is coming so slow.

I'm going to drink a glass of wine now and try not to cry myself to sleep tonight.

I'm so tired even though I slept last night.



I'm living on caffine and ciggerattes. A bowl of cercel every once in a while.



I hate that I'm like this, that I can sink this low. That I allow myself to hurt this badly.

I'm over all the games. Today, I thought about taking down my myspace and my okcupid profiles just so I could close the door all the way.

But, I'm not ready to do that yet.

When I think about taking down his pictures and packing up the things I have from him I can't even think about it.

I threw up earlier while I was writing a letter to him.

What the fuck?

I've been shaky and a tad bit crazy when I've been going through heartache. I'll sleep and withdrawal but I have never ever throw up. Even now as I write this I feel unreal.

I have been thinking about the times we have spent together. The weekend in Iowa, our first kiss, that long walk, all the talking, that sunset, how hard it was to say goodbye, how when I flew to Madison and we spent most of the weekend in because it was so cold, meeting his parents, how hard it was to leave again, his visit here and how we both felt sick when he left, my last visit there and how close I felt to him. I can't believe that it was just me that felt all those feelings, all that strong emotion.

I've been in one sided things before. I was in a one sided relationship with Ian for over a year. This never ever felt that way. I always thought we were in it together and now he thinks that he may only love me as a 'friend.' I'm so confused. I just don't understand that at all. I've tried to wrap my head around it all day.

I understand that he's not ready for my child. I can make sense of that in some ways. I have never asked him to be anything to Sid though. I thought in time if we were really right for one another they would build they're own relationship. If I were him I would be scared too. But, I know that I would never walk away from someone I loved if the only thing I was unsure of was a child. I would try and make it work.

What kills me even more about the 'child' issue is that it's never been an issue before. Even with Ian, when Sid was at his worst and he had to view and be by my side during all the real crap Sid was never the reason he left me. And, when I talk to Casey, Joe, and Jackson about it, the three guys who would probably be the first to jump at the thought is being with someone with a kid, they shake they're heads and say "What the fuck. He should have thought about all this before and what's the problem with Sid, you're not asking him to be his dad, etc..." And, that makes this all the more confusing and hard. I guess Jackson understands since he did date that woman who had the eight year old girl for a long time. He told me he left her because he wanted her to move here and she wouldn't. That makes sense.

And, I understand how it would seem scary to move to Wichita to be closer to me since he's never done that before. I've never asked anyone to do that before. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I had to ask. I didn't know what else to do. I still don't.

But, that's me. That's how I roll. I fight for what I believe in because I believe in so little anymore.

I know just how precious love really is, how it doesn't happen very often.

On top of this Pat and Melissa, and I have decided that it's time for me to tell Sid that I may have to go overseas for work and that he may have to stay here.

So, I'm not only maybe losing the man who helped me to believe in love again, but I'll probably be leaving the only child I'll ever had just so I can pay off grad school. I know that he'll be able to come and visit me but I won't have his smiling face everyday in my life in the same way. He's the reason I'm still alive. So many days I think about just letting go and than I remember that Sid is there and he needs me still.

He just came home and told me about his new friend he meet at the comic book store. A 25 year old game designer. They talked for hours. He's such a good kid. I'm glad that others can see how great he is and that he and his dad are starting to get along better. It has been a lot easier since Pat started to pick up a bit of the slack again. Hopefully it lasts.

He can always tell I've when I've been crying. When I told him why, he just hugged me and said, "I'm sorry Mama, I really liked Bjorn."

What do I say to that?

Life's funny sometimes.

Sometimes you walk through rain to the market and feel so alone and then out of no where a smiling face shows up and wraps his arms around you and tells everything is going to be OK and for just a moment you almost believe.

Now, I'm getting ready to drink myself to sleep.

I don't know what else to do.

I have to take my car to the shop and spend $500 out of my summer savings to fix it and tomorrow I have to go to SRS and fight again for health insurance, and then I have class, and Albert now wants to see my thesis and it all fucking sucks and I and he both know that, and I have all these papers to grade and that gig is up. My students know I have no idea what I'm really doing, and I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this mess.

I just sort of want to scream. I'm at a totally lost as to what to do at this point. He says he loves me but doesn't know if he ever wants to see me again? I'm over being jerked around. I have my faults. I do. But, I'm worth a little more than that much indecision.

What hurts the most I guess is that it's not just me who doesn't understand. So many of my friends don't understand either. They all thought we were happy together. The Sid issue baffles them. Especially Joe and Casey. Who you would think would be the two guys who would understand how he's feeling the most. Joe teased me and told me he would marry me if nothing else came through. He's going through some stuff too so it's been nice to hang out a little bit with him.

Work sucks. I have one student who is stressing me out. Thankfully, it's almost over.

I can't seem to write anything new worth wild. It's just as depressing as being in a one sided relationship.

I thought I had gotten over this when I am and I broke up, but I guess I didn't.

I love him and want this to work out but I can't do in alone.

Post 100

I think I'm sleeping too much. I'm always tired.

Bjorn still hasn't told me if he wants to see me again or when. He's dodging the question and I'm not sure why. He's so fucking passive sometimes I'm not sure if he's just not sure what he wants to do or if he's waiting until I'm so over it I leave him instead of him having to leave me. Little does he know that I'm pretty passive myself and I can just hang out for a while and wait it out with him. I miss him so much. He should get my letter either tomorrow or Friday asking him to move to Wichita and hopefully that will cause he to make some sort of move. I know that the worse he can say is no and if that is what he says then I am going to have to move on. It's been almost a year since this has started and I think he should know by now if he wants to a real try at this.

Today, Eric invited me to go to Lawrence next weekend to meet some guy he's wanted to introduce me too for a long time. I may go to see Eric but even if Bjorn and I do stop I don't think I want to see anyone for a long time.

Wow, I'm boring.

I haven't smoked today. At least I can say that if nothing else. I am getting ready to walk the dog and plan on starting to go to the gym on Friday. I can lose 20 pounds and finish my thesis this summer.

Things I realized today:

I don't need him. I long for him and that is very different from need. the last person I really needed was Ian and that left me empty and lost.

He dodge my question of when we would see each other again. He is either 1) trying to let me down easy or 2) has to look at his onw time table to see what will work for him or 3) was running late to work as usual. I have a feeling it is somewhere between 2 and 3.

He recieved mt first letter yesterday. Two more to go.

Sometimes it is something like a sunrise to make everything feel a bit better in the world.

Last night I wrote Bjorn a letter asking him to move to Wichita for the summer. I'm not sure how well I really wrote out my case for the move but hopefully it was enough and if not the worse he can say is 'no' and then at least I'll know where I stand and can decided from there my next move. It's not easy this waiting. I hate it. But, I also love him and miss him so much. I have been sleepwalking for months now and I need it to end in some way or another. It's so hard to be without him. I can't really remember what it was like before anymore in some ways.

I am in the valley, down low and so lonely.

And, when I say that I just feel like I sound sorry for myself as there is really no reason to feel sorry for myself. I am a selfish and greedy person at times. I always want more and more. I drain myself and than I want to drain him till we are both empty. So, maybe I have succeeded. He's being distant and now I am trying to be patient and it is hard. I need answers and none are being provided. I know we're both going to be OK in the end no matter which way we decided, but I want us to decided to stay and keep trying, but maybe it's too late. But, whenever I say that to myself I don't feel like it is over that we are far from being over. There is something that we still have to do yet. I can't bare to think of my life without him and now I can't remember what my life was like before him. Where was I going? What was it I was going to do next year?

I want to scream pick me! Please, pick me!!!

Because no one has ever picked me, and really before I didn't care. I got over and forgot most of my lovers, but this one I just can't seem to let go of, and why is that? Why can't I?

Yesterday, Melissa told me I should go to China and teach. And, it is one of my dreams? To go overseas, to see what else is out there besides me and this place. But, how do I leave he one man (OK, he's not quite a man but I see what he'll be one day) to go and see the world. What if Sid never forgives me? What if he grows up to hate me because I had to follow my bliss? Even if it meant that he too could get to see some new things and maybe that is really the best gift I could give him, to see those things.

The icing on the cake was that yesterday Ike sent me a text message telling me he misses me every single day and when would Sid and I be moving up. It was sweet and shocking, since part of mine and Bjorn's issues have to do with Sid and here Ike is asking about him. Ike always leaves me and now when I am really over him he asks me to come closer? I have thought about going to Portland and I know that he and I will never be what we once were, but he would take care of me and fix shit for me. At this point we are just friends and really it is nice to know that he cares still.

There are many things missing from this post--like how Bjorn's first trip to Wichita went (my mother didn't wear her teeth at dinner and Sid puked), or about my last trip to Madison (He walked a lot, had dinner with his family and adopted family, I got sick, and I cried in his bed and he held me. I stopped in KC to fight with Mara, found myself at a trunk stop writing postcards and letters and almost didn't come home) how I received another wedding invite yesterday. How everyone around me lives are falling apart and how I have no right to be upset or even sad or my own confusion and darkness.

Because this too will pass.

I sort of just want to go a head and let go. It's just too fucking hard to allow myself to go through all of this again. This is the place I get to with men and I'm kind of over and once again maybe I should just accept that I may be alone. That it's all over for me. There is no great love. Really, that's all shit made up in fairy tales.

I can't though. I want to I really do right now, but it seems like I would be short sighting myself from what could be the happiest time of my life.

Fuck.

If that was true would either of us be questioning it this much?

I'm so sad and I can't even cry.

This morning I just suffer in my own silence because I have no idea how to tell him how it hurt when I hung up the phone last night, how sad I felt that neither of us could just let go and be the first to say "I love you." I was being stubborn and a bit pissy because he was tried. I don't know why I do those things. I think more of it comes out of fear than anything else. I'm scared that when he leaves on Sunday that will be the last time I see him and I know I shouldn't worry about these sot of things yet. That at this point anything is still possible. I love him so much and that fact scares me. It's not fair.

I used to have girlfriends that I would turn to on mornings like this when I felt out of sorts to ask for advice. They've all scattered around now so I stuck with a laptop and the internet for some relief.

The problem here is the computer doesn't take back.

I know that bumps are all par for the course and that really I shouldn't worry so much.

Family Dinner Night

Does always feel like what I guess a family dinner should feel like. Joe and Casey will be leaving at some point this year, which may mean Kyla will be going with them. I know I only see them once or twice a week but there is something about having them around that enriches not just my life but also Sid's. I haven't felt as close to anyone as I feel to some of these kids in years and I am glad that they are part of my life. I will miss them when they move to Iowa City but they'll always be around as I know how the ICT is and how in draws you back sometimes.

8 days till Bjorn is here. The time has moved fast if I think about the fact that I was just there last week and he'll be here next week. I have spent time wondering what he'll think of my home, because that is what it is in more way than I can admit. My history is here. Once, Ian said my roots are deep in Wichita, which they are, there is no doubt about that, bit I also know that soon, sooner than I can really see, it will be time to pull those up. There is no growth left here for me. I will need more if I am to ever fully become whatever it is I am suppose to become. I have no idea where that place is yet: China, New Orleans, Denver, Iowa City, Tulsa, Berlin. I can see myself in so many places right now. I am enjoying the possibilities in front of me. It is more exciting and so very necessary.

After the strom

Which I know is a lame title and a cliche but that's how I feel right at this moment.

Sid can be so challenging sometimes. He was asked again to not wear is pride and joy leather jacket in science class as it is a hazard and he has to argue with his teacher and than come to me and think I'm going to back him. Which I don't. While I do allow him to question the reasons why there are certain rules I also think that once he is told the reason why the rule is he should follow it, unless it is really wrong, but this one isn't at all. He tends to have to become really upset when I don't take his side. He thinks if I don't it means I don't like him. I always did what I was told when I was his age and while there are times I love his need to question authority sometimes I wish he would pick his battles a bit better. I hate having to yell at him but sometimes he refuses to be quiet and just listen "But, Mom, But Mom" is all he'll say. I think we need a talking stick so that we can talk without fighting. We fight so rarely but when we do it is really upsetting to both of us.

Work was fine today. I taught a lesson on compare and contrast using Facebook and Myspace and picked up my first set of essays for this semester. I am really enjoying tackling 101 and finding ways to cover things. It's not at all like 011 and is more interesting.

My mom was in a much better mood today and even joked around a bit with me. She's still not feeling well and I'm worried about her and it's coming out as frustration. I did tell her she should see a different doctor today and we joked about all the different diseases she may have. She seems to be coming around to meeting Bjorn and even has taken it upon herself to pick where we're going to have dinner that night. That was sort of a relief in some ways.

I just have to decide now what night will be better to have my birthday get together and where it should be and where we should celebrate. Last night I was thinking that maybe I am over thinking things and events more than necessary.

My weekend has been both pleasant and productive.


Friday, I taught at the prison and I think it went well. I really enjoyed it and am excited to go back next week. The men want to really work shop their work and not be talk at so much, so tat is what we're going to do. I think it will be good for all involved.

Friday night, I was able to see my friend Michele. She is one of my dearest and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We meet up at Barleycorns and watched a pretty amazing set by the Gunshy before heading across the street to the Vagabond to catch up and have some hummus and wine. Whenever we're together it seems like no time has past and I have always felt that feeling is a true measure of friendship. We caught up, I filled her in on my recent adventures to both Iowa and Madison, and she reminded me that the things you usually need the most come when you least expect them (I had more to say about that but that seems to pretty much sum it up). We talked about Sid and Hank and babies in general, and of course gossiped about the sixth floor and touched on my issues with all that goes on up there. She is always so sweet and supportive and I miss her all the time.


We talked a lot about Sid and Hank, and of course, poetry. She really enjoys Wichita and it was nice to be reminded just how nice things can be around here at times. I forget and her view has made it a bit easier to think about the next year I have to spend here. (Oh, and I did slip of the wagon and smoke. I coughed most of yesterday and that made me not crave them at all since)

Last night we had a late dinner with Brian and Emily some cafe that I can never remember where it is or what it's name is. We had a bottle of wine and some really nice sandwiches. Emily and I, afterwards headed over the Alibi Room, where we had a couple of drinks and caught up a bit. It's been a while since I have really since Emily and while our conversations tend to be a bit more awkward I have always enjoyed her company too. We joked about renting one of those party buses for my birthday which would be funny, but I don't think I could afford it. I think I will just put out an open invite to some bar for the Friday before my birthday this year. No mess no fuss sort of deal.

Today, I have been cleaning closets and drawers and mopping floors. I have a touch of spring fever and I want to get everything back in some sort of order. I have a lot of things I'm not using and it's time to decided what is worth keeping and what is not. I got a new shoe tree today as the one I have doesn't seem to really work and hopefully that will help to relieve some of my shoes. I have an issue getting rid of anything I deem as 'vintage.' I just love all that stuff. My goal was to get all my clothes into just the front closet. I got close. I had to put my dresses, coats, and jackets in the closet in my room. I still have all these summer clothes in the basement, but if they don't fit in May I will be tossing them. No reason to hang on to things that don't fit. I have also decided that there are some things that if I don't wear them within the next year they'll be tossed too. I have a love/hate relationship with my love for fashion. But, in the last year I have not bought any 'new' clothes except for a couple pair of jeans and three pair of slacks for work. I think this year the rule should be I can't pay more than five dollars for anything. We'll see how that goes.

The day passed as well as always. Sid was sick again today but I had to teach so he was here most of the day by himself. Anne and Robin were around for some of the day so they kept an eye on him and he has a phone so he did call a few times. He seems to be feeling a little better.

I have been really anxious all day. I think it may because I'm taking some different medicine because I'm not feeling very well.

I wish I had something interesting to say. I think sometimes I just blog everyday to feel like I'm doing something with my words and as a way to sort of keep track on my days since some much of the time they all start to run into one day.

Tomorrow I will go to Hutch to teach in the prison for the first time and I feel completely unprepared. I constantly doubt my own knowledge base when it comes to poetry and really feel like I have no right teaching it. Even when I was working at Sid's school I felt like I wasn't doing the art form justice. I am no expert y any means so we'll see how it goes.

Most of the day I have felt like I am missing some part of myself. Like I left some important part of thing somewhere but yet I can't quite place it and am not totally sure what it is. Last night it was really bad when I was trying to go to sleep. I kept trying to lay in the bed so I could take up as much room as possible, my thoughts were running wild.

But, than I hardly ever sleep that well.

I am back from my long weekend in Madison; which was all snow for miles and miles. I have never seen that much snow. It was a tad bit amazing and also daunting and scary in some ways, but then aren't most things that are beautiful and wonderful? It was also cold, but that cold really didn't bother me as much as was predicted by others. The plane delays coming home were upsetting, but to be excepted if traveling during the winter to a place that has had over 6 feet of snow already this winter.

Of course, other things did happen besides the cold and snow: a short day trip to a childhood home, a grave yard, a candy store, dinner with parents, a tiger themed bar, a trip to the market, dinner, poetry, laughter, hands held to stay warm, tossing and turning, a beautiful sun set, nice wine, and love.

I spent most of yesterday, besides trying keep track of when my plane was leaving as the time was constantly changing, trying not to cry. My girlfriend, Melissa, called while I was drinking my second cup of cold press in the coffee shop in the airport to cry on my shoulder for a while about the man she has been dating for a long time. Things aren't going well between the two of them, and in some ways she helped me to remember to not worry so much about things.

I did cry though, but just a bit.


Today, has been just a day.

I decided to drop my second thesis adviser for a fiction professor. I taught two classes, had some lunch in my office, took Sid in piano lessons, had some dinner and did a bit of reading.

Something has just felt out of place all day.

Day 30

This is really my 30th day smoke free and 37 days since I started quitting. I planned it so that on the same day I would leave to go to Madison I would be 30 days in and less tempted to start again.

I talked to Craig tonight for two hours and it was so nice to hear from him. I really needed some assurance on some things and he's always good for that. I miss him a lot and it helped to hear from him.

I should be sleeping but I'm not really tired. I've spent most of my day with Sid and getting things ready around the house to leave.

less than 24 hours now...

Some days are just slow and today was one of those days, but as usual I didn't really mind. I had a lot to do and I think I got through most of those things. I have some more things that need to be taken care of tomorrow and I guess I should make a list. Mainly I'm worried about who is going to for sure take care of Jack, but I think I can get that worked out tomorrow. If worse comes to worse Robin said she could do it.

I wish I had more exciting things to say today, besides I feel fat and I'm wide awake when I know I should be tired. I haven't gotten to the gym as often as I wish I had in the last week. It's so hard to go anywhere when it's cold out. And, all this life changing stuff is hard. I am trying to just tackle one thing at a time so that I will make real changes that will last. Since I have just really quit smoking I'm not being too hard on myself for no hitting the gym as hard and have mad a new goal which I will start working towards a bit more on Monday.