Day 25

And, I don't think I should spend much time around Anne and Robin as they both smoke a lot and I think being around their smoke makes me grumpy. Or, it could have been that today we had a snow day and all th kids were here at my house playing and I had other things I wante dto do today. really in was fine as they all helped Sid clean up his room and it already looks a ton better.

I sort of felt teary eyed when I was cooking dinner and I am not real sure as to why I felt that way. I'm over it now and watching the season premire of Lost wishing I had bought something sweet when I was at the market earlier. My nieghborhood market, which is closing on Saturday so now I will have to drive when I need a carton of milk or some dog food. It's really upsetting in so many ways. I think its just wrong to close the only midtown market in town tat is not a Walmart or Dillons. I could go on and on, but what's the point.


14 days...

Day 24

Started off pleasant and took a turn of events when I wasn't bale to find my I pod and that reminded me that my other lap top was still MIA. I guess I hadn't realized just how much I really count on my I pod for needed down time and and in some ways impression. I didn't walk today or go to the gym but tomorrow hopefully I'll be able to get back on track. It may snow tonight though so that may cancel my walk but I could do a yoga video.

I did finally find my I pod and my friend bought back my computer and I was able to find out where I had to take it to be repaired. Jemeriah also backed up all my hard drive onto this lap top so now if something happens and data is lost during repair I will have everything here. It is sort of a relief in some ways.

I wish I had something more exciting to say.

Mara and I don't seem to be getting along. She's mad at Kyla and since I won't take her side as I don't really think Kyla did anything too crazy she's now mad at both of us. It's all pretty silly. I tried to talk to Mara about it last night so maybe she could see that the problems she is having are not really Kyla's fault but issues Mara has and that she needs to deal with, but then she just got mad and stopped talking to me for the rest of the time she hung out. Oh well, I have to remember that she is stubborn and young. She'll learn.

Sid and I have had a good night. He drew and I worked on some things and did some reading. I really do enjoy nice quiet nights at home anymore. I still like to go out but I also need balance now. Such an odd thing to say.

15 days.

Day 23

I have had a mostly nice day. I felt a bit moody a while ago when Mara was here as we weren't seeing eye to eye about some things, but we got over it, well really she did the shit down move and didn't want to talk about it anymore and I was OK with that as she does have that right.

I am really enjoying my classes so far. I think my students are really into it and enjoying the class thus far. I sort of feel like I still don't know what I am doing a little bit but I think over the next week I will be able to pull it together after I have done the readings I assigned. The first paper they write is narration and I taught that last semester to my ESL students. I'm focusing on some different parts of grammar than everyone else but I am also doing what I feel is right from my own past teaching experiences.

I didn't walk or work out today but it was super cold and my arms were a bit sore today, so maybe I needed a day of rest. I worked on a new poem, but I'm not that happy with it seems a but on the flat side. I sent it off for workshop but hopefully I will be able to polish it over the next few days. Really it feels good to just be writing today and that is sort of what I want to focus on for the moment.

I went to the Vagabond today for a little bit and when I left I, for the first time, noticed how badly I smelled of smoke when I left and what an icky smell it was. I think that is great! Although I did sort of want to smoke after I left there I think I am doing much better and am feeling stronger everyday about my choice to be a nonsmoker.

16 days...

Day 22

I really had a pretty nice day. I went to the gym and wasn't winded at all; although, afterwards I ate too much, but than am I trying to lose weight (I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds just for my own self-esteem. I don't really think I'm fat I just like my body a bit better a few pounds lighter) or am I trying to be healthy? I will have to put some more thought into that later.

After I was done at the gym I did some things for class tomorrow, had a nice quiet lunch by myself and did some reading, picked up Sid from school, took a small nap, missed class as Sid fall and hurt his ankle, started a new poem, did a load of laundry, rounded up some dinner, mopped the kitchen floor, watch Bush give the State of the Union speech and the response from our governor, folded the laundry, and am now trying to decide it I really need a glass of wine. It's 11:30 and I am full of energy. Maybe one glass would help me relax a bit? I don't know--

but I do know that I haven't mentioned smoking or rather not smoking in this blog.

17 days to till I leave.

I am both counting up and down.

Days 19-21

I did slip and have three drags, or maybe six, on Friday, I was stressed out about my fucking expensive broken lap top and my mother told me it was my fault and I slipped. These things happen.

The rest of my weekend was really nice. I went to Emily's store grad opening on Friday. I did some hard core shopping with Kyle and Anna and got the most amazing vintage coat for $4. It's so cute and of course it's too warm to wear right now. I went to a great rock show last night. Today I had a nice brunch and picked up the house and did some laundry. All and all a nice weekend and I feel ready to go back to work and really get down to business.

18 days till I leave for Madison.

Days 17-18

I keep wondering how long exactly I will be struggling with the cravings. I'm really over it. I guess my mind still thinks that if I am writing and reading and having a glass of wine then I should be smoking too. I will be glad when I am totally over it once and for all. The cravings are coming later and later in the day so that is nice. I am hoping that by the time I go out of town I will be over that one last huddle. At that point it will be 30 days totally smoke free. I think my timing worked out better this time, but my method was a tad bit harsher. Maybe that is what I needed though. I don't know really, but I am sort of tried of analyzing it.

The other things in my life are going pretty well really. I am enjoying teaching thus far. I think I have two good groups of students and will have a fairly productive semester.

I am a bit worried about my own writing. I should be much further into my thesis than I am. I have written 9 lines in the last three days and they are disjointed and don't seem to be going any where. I really need them to go somewhere. I am writing though, I am writing lots of letters and blogs and random things, but my poetry is not going anywhere. I have my off times, and I know that this is just one of them, so hopefully it won't last that long.

I am reading a lot more all of the sudden and that tends to help a lot. I am really enjoying this book of letters that Nin and Miller exchanged. They write with such care and love. It is really uplifting in some ways.

I am shorter than I was at 19. I think the nurse I saw today measured me wrong cause I don't think I have lost an inch and half of height already. It was odd. I have always wanted to be just a bit shorter and when she said I was I wanted that inch back. Maybe I heard her wrong? I don't know. It was just goofy and now I am putting more thought into taking yoga again as it is suppose to help you from shirking.

Day 16

And, I did almost smoke today. I really really wanted to and even asked for one from a friend but she never got back to me and now I am eating chocolate and worrying that I had said too much in a three page email that I only meant to be a couple of paragraphs and got out of my control and part of me wishes there was a way I could take it back but I can not. So, I am trying not to have a real anxiety attack and rubbing Jack's belly. Silly damn dog. Always wants his belly rubbed.

I am hoping for the best and praying that I did the right thing. I always doubt myself. I wonder if this is something everyone does of just some of us or just me. I'm not one to think I am the only one who feels anyway or am alone but I do know that sometimes I speak so much from my heart and don't think enough with my head. I think I would get in more trouble if I used my head sometimes, well different trouble anyway. I don't know.

I think I am just scared because I really do love him and it is a wonderful feeling and maybe I am just over thinking it all a bit.

I went back to work today and I think I am going to have a really good semester once I get into the swing of everything again. I sort of enjoy this part of the process. The getting to know my students and realizing what they're strengths and weaknesses are. Watching them grow as writers. I was a bit upset with how many of them wrote essay's about how they wouldn't be voting next year because they didn't know who to vote for or why they should. A few of them did make good arguments for why they weren't going to but still I had a hard time with it. I have been thinking of ways to talk about the issues with them so maybe a few more of them will vote. I should talk to Dr. D about that and maybe he'll have some ideas. Sometimes the problem with teaching writing is that you have to be really well rounded and be able to talk about lots of different subjects and I don't always know if I can do that.

Day 15

And, today I think there has been four maybe five times that I have really wanted to smoke. It seems that the first time comes later and later in the day, but than sort of nags at me till bed. I am 8 days totally smoke free and I have stopped talking the Chantix, not because I'm out of it, but I'm not real sure that I need it anymore. It is nice though to have a couple on hand for back up and emergencies. I was thinking about how many more days I will count before I no longer need to count the days from when I started. When it will not be as important enough to keep track of anymore and therefore not really matter. I have noticed that my mood is improving.

I am not as grumpy as I was a week ago, and I am not snapping at Sid as much. I was in a very playful mood with him earlier, and maybe I even embarrassed him a little bit in front of his friend Gabe, but he's a good sport about these things. He was laughing after we dropped off Gabe and joked around with me a bit. I'm glad he's home I really missed him yesterday.


Tomorrow I go back to work. It feels odd to be going back after such a long break but I am also really ready to get started and be another semester closer to being done with my masters. I have no real idea where I will be a year from now but I sort of like the not knowing. The endless amount of possibilities ahead of me. It is both scary and exciting.

I didn't get the terribly much done today. I did change my phone number. For some reason it felt really really good to do so. It felt like I was really moving out of my past in some ways, and onto this bright future that feels so right and exactly where I should be even if I am unsure of what that will be, or where my future will take place at yet. It only feels like it can go up from here. I know that it may be bumpy at times, but for some odd reason I even sort of look forward to those bumps.

It is 19 days since I have been in his arms, and 24 more days till I am back in those arms. I miss those arms today....

Day 14

And, today I want to smoke because I have a headache that is not from small blue pills, but from lack of sleep and the loud voices of the Anchor where I am at typing this out and reading as I had cabin fever and had to get out of my space.


I was up pass dawn talking plans and honesty, and finishing the bottle of red wine I had plan on sharing with Kyle. And, this, just as with what happened in Iowa, would seem unlikely to most. I find that sad that so many have little faith not just in me, but in love at all. What is happening to us as humans, as beings that live and feel, that we have lost the ability to believe even when it seems unlikely and as far fetched as our small love story is. I know how unlikely it would seem, because I have never believed that this type of love was really possible, that it really existed. To me love was something you choose to do with someone who on paper had enough of the right stuff to make it work. My closest and dearest friends would often tell me that I was wrong, and that when I really fall in love I would know, it would feel different, everything would change. Now I have fallen in love, and they are telling me that there is no way I am in love. It's impossible. It's too soon. There's too much risk involved.

It's a very confusing message but I guess since I know my girls sometimes better than they know themselves it is why I have refrained from saying anything much at all in detail till today. Because now I can no longer not talk about it. I need to talk about it, and to be happy about it in the same ways I am always happy for them when they have fallen in love.

My love for him is bigger than me, and out of my control. It fills me in so many ways that I am not sure how to explain, and I have tried in my head to explain it all away. I have told myself it would be easier to not do this, and I always come back to the same place. I have thought before bed that maybe tomorrow I will feel different and when I wake up I don't. I am still filled with belief and faith that I am doing exactly what I should be doing. How can I not give myself up to that power when so many are looking and hoping for the same feeling? It would be like denying all the things that make the world beautiful, as if that is even possible. It would be denying God. Something I have tried and never been able to do.

I thought for sure if anyone would understand it would be Brandy, as she was going to a marry a man who is going to prison for ten plus years, because she loves him. I was going to be in this wedding because it was what she wanted. I supported her even though I didn't agree with what she was doing I stood by her side and said nothing. I know that part of it with Brandy is she is afraid of the risk I am taking and doesn't understand that I can do nothing else. I have no other choice in the matter. I know how risky that sounds, but than I have always been a risk taker. What I don't think Brandy sees, that sometimes I forget about, is just how strong I am. And, what is the point of life if you're not going to take some risks? Where would I be now if I hadn't risked it at more than once. I don't except anyone to understand what I have just now started to understand. I know in my heart that I am doing what is right and pure. Not many of the people around me can say that. Not many can say--

He sees me. He sees everything good and bad. All my faults and all my possibilities, maybe even more than I see them myself. There is an honesty that is almost too raw, and this is part of what makes it all that much real and that much more important. How I never want to hide any part of myself from him and know that I never really have to because it would be pointless.

And, I feel like I see him and all his possibilities and all of his faults and I love him all the more for them. How lucky I am that he trusts me enough to let me so close. How lucky I am to be able to love this man and to have him love me back.

How my dreams are starting to change and how scary, but also right that feels.

Day 13

And, really, I feel a bit blue, which may be because I am cold as there wasn't enough hot water for the shower I had started to take, or because I am beginning to realize just how much smoking used to do for me and now i need to find other ways to deal with these things and have no idea where to start.

Ex 1-Sometimes Sid talks in this really annoying voice. I used to just ignored it and sometimes talk in the same voice back to him (very rarely) and now every time I hear it I just want to scream.

Ex 2- Sometimes my mom doesn't want to talk to me. Tonight, I called her to tell her I was home safe and sound ans asked her if she remembered how much I owed on this credit card I had to get my new computer (that is broke and missing in action) and she didn't so I said, "Well, I think it's about this much so I'm just going to send them that amount and if it is a few dollars more I will pay it next month." So then she tells me to look on the Internet, which, yes I could do, but I just don't feel like looking all that info up cause I'm tired and lazy and it doesn't seem that important to me at the moment I am just trying to get a rough idea of how much I owe and to who. She then has nothing else to say to me and I start having a mild panic attack. She is always this way and we often don't see eye to eye about things, but I accept it and she always wants me to change. I usually would smoke after one of those conversations and than forget about it but now I have sat around just thinking about it.

I have to learn all over again to ignore the small things that bother me. I like to pick my battles wisely and since I have quit smoking I am fighting more battles than I use to and it bothers me and is making my life unpleasant.

I miss the happy upbeat me and really there is no reason to feel blue. Things are really good and decent in my life right now, and I know that this will pass. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.

Maybe I need to start taking some herbal supplements again? Meditation should help too. And I need to start going back to the gym. I know myself well enough though to know I should start one thing and start slowly otherwise I may crash and burn and that wold just put me back where I am.

On the drive home I saw the most amazing sunset. It was breathtaking. Proof of something higher than myself. If I had had any film left in my camera I would have taking pictures. The sun was almost laying on top of the Prairie and from it this thin line of rose and orange. I wish I could describe it better.

Sid and I had a nice time walking around together today but were a tad disappointed that we couldn't get any ice cream. He got some new anti-war buttons for his jacket and a manga book a child with autism. He is going to be a really great teacher one day. I think he liked Lawrence but was thought that the comic book store was too small and the video game store too pricey. He was happy to have a good slice of pizza as he really doesn't like pizza. We had a nice time together even if I did snap at him a couple of times and it was nice to see him sleeping in the back seat and remember how lucky I am to have such a great kid.

Days 11 and 12

Yesterday, I lost it in more ways than one. Part of it was the not smoking, and part was p.m.s. I hardly ever lose my temper, but when I do it scares even me. Poor Sid had to deal with it, and a broken Playstation 2, the only real thing he wanted for Christmas. We had a huge fight. The kind where everyone just feels bad in the end. When I was younger I hated those sorts of fights with my own mother, and I hate them even more with my child. I have a hard time learning lessons, and I am sure it will not be the last. I think I need to learn to step back before leaping.

But this is a lesson I need in so many areas of my life, and who knows where I should really start.
Not that it is all bad sometimes I do leap into good things.

It was family dinner night and movie night last night, and everyone was late which did not help my mood at all. When they did show up I was a bit over it, but still glad that Mara, Ryan, Kyla, and Casey did come by and we had fun watching Fearless Freaks and chatting.

The ex-drunk lover called three times yesterday which also added to my stress level. He is still in some ways under my skin as a mistake I can't quite comes to terms with, and I wish he would stop haunting me with his sudden out of place phone calls. Sometimes I think I feel guilty for not being able to help him more, but I know that is just silly and there was really nothing I could do for him. Sometimes it is because I know I should have turned back when I knew I was heading towards bad trouble.

I called Bjorn late before bed, and by the end of our conversation felt much better and was smiling. Later I felt bad for unloading so much on him, even though I know he doesn't mind and is there for me, it is hard for me to accept that someone wans to really be there for me when things are bad. I am used to dealing with everything alone and being the one everyone leans on. Through that conversation I realize a few things that I should probably work on and after I have worked it out more in my head I will explain more fully. It is surprising to me how much we can learn about ourselves through others sometimes.

Today, though, has been much better even though not everything has worked out as I had expected. I overslept so I didn't get as much done before Sid and I hit the road to Lawrence as I had hoped. But, I did get up to the my office to check my mail and turn in some things to be copied before classes start in Tuesday. I received my comments from my students from the fall and had all very good or high marks in all areas. It was nice to see that I did connect with my students on some levels and it was the boost I needed to feel confident about going back to work on Tuesday.

Sid and I drove in to Lawrence at 6 as we made good time, checked into our hotel and had a long dinner at my fave Greek place. It made Sid slightly uncomfortable that I had a couple glasses of wine at dinner. Part of this is because he has been told by his step-mother that I am drunk, which is about as far from the truth as possible, and my mother is recovering. I think is was good for him to see me drink tow glasses of wine and still act like his mom.

We got to the Bottleneck a 8:30 even though I knew the show wouldn't start till 10. Sid read somewhere it started at 10 and didn't want to miss his favorite band. They finally played at 11, and even though I made him wear earplugs he had a blast watching them. I made him leave his DS in the room and he was a bit lost without it but I think it was good for him. He really paid attention to the music and at times seemed to be studying the band as much as listening to the music.

I ran into an old friend, Tina, who was at one time Jovan's girlfriend. Which I never understood and still don't. She was a bit drunk but I did find out she is trying to go to law school and is doing in general well. I tried to catch up with another old friend but he was already drunk at 10pm so it didn't work out.

On the drive up here I threw out the cigarettes I had in my car. They were a bit tempting and I forgot to take my Chantix today, both doses, but I came through and feel really great about it. I haven't felt as bad today though as I have felt and I know that in another week I will feel even better.

Day 10

Has been pretty good all and all. I have only really wanted a cigarette twice today but was able to fight the urge both times. The first was after I was done teaching at Sid's school, which seems normal and the other time was when I slid in my car on the slick road while turning. I had a bit of an anxiety attack, as usual when I have close calls in my car, and so again it seemed as a normal time to want to smoke. I also haven't been as grumpy today as that is just a more pleasant way to be for all those around me. I also haven't ate as much today which is good too. I don't want to replace smoking with over eating since overeating is not a problem I really have.

Teaching at Sid's school went pretty well. Middle schoolers are a lot harder to control than my current college students. hey also have more energy and in general are more excited about learning. I was teaching 'gifted' kids though so this last observation may not be true of 'normal' students. It was really fun and not so much different from teaching college students. I didn't dumb down the information and was surprised how quickly they learned the writing techniques I was teaching them. I am sure there were a few things I could have done better but I guess that will come in time.

When I got home I checked the mail and found a post card from Bjorn. It was such a sweet gesture and really made my day. Somehow it made it into my notebook that I carry around and into my purse and bought a smile to my face when I was in the market and found it when I was glancing at my shopping list. These little things mean so much. I feel very lucky to have them.

I talked to my sister after I got home for a while. She is having some issues with her boyfriend that seem to have some pretty deep roots. I have always found it interesting when couples fight about silly things like dishes instead of what is really going on. Maybe this is just me but I have really different ideas of what is important. House work is not that important if you are busy doing other things that fill you with passion. Patrick would often be upset after he had been at work all day if I hadn't cleaned the house while he was gone. If I tried to explain to him I has been busy taking care of and playing with the baby or reading a good book and writing, he would tell me that I was lazy and wasting time. This is one if the reasons I left him. There are so many better things o be doing than cleaning the house, like living life.

Days 7, 8, and 9

Sunday wasn't too bad (although my computer had a major meltdown and I almost lost it), but that may have been because I knew that I could still smoke if I wanted to, but at 1am Sunday night/Monday morning I smoked my last cigarette while listening to TV on the Radio and driving home from a laughter filled night at the Vagabond with Amber, Jen, and Melissa. It was fun to catch up and I was a bit tipsy.

Monday was my first day smoke-free and I was pretty grumpy with Sid and my mom when we went out to dinner last night. I think this is partly because I have become a nonsmoker and partly because my mom has just been really down on on me and some recent choices I have made. I understand that she just wants to be protective but I really feel like I am doing the right thing. I have not once questioned it and I wish she would just understand that. I had many times throughout the day when I wanted to smoke but resisted. I had my taxes done yesterday and that was another great reason to not smoke in some ways.

Today, I have not seem to be as edgy, but I still have really wanted to smoke. So far so good though and I know that every minute I am not smoking is an accomplishment. Sid and I spent some time together this afternoon and that helped a lot too since I don't smoke around him anyway. We had a smoothie and walked around the mall together celebrating that he only has to wear his braces for another month and half.

I have decided to go ahead and take him to this Ad Astra show in Lawrence on Friday. It will be fun to show him where we used to live when he was three and walk around campus together like we used to. Here is another thing my mom criticized me for. I would like to spend some one on one time with my son doing something we will both enjoy and she wants to talk about how much money it will be to go and how wasteful that is (which is the same thing she said about the plane ticket I bought yesterday to see Bjorn next month). Travel is one thing worth spending money on but to her I am being wasteful. I have a plan to pay off a bunch of bill and still have a bit left over so I think I should spend it however I want. Plus, she owes me $850 dollars. I don't think I will be getting that any that back though. When I owe her money all she does is complain about it till I give it back to her or make me feel guilty.

Ahh... OK, my bitch fest is over.

I feel better now.

Day 6

I have done much better today which may be because I have up the Chantix again to the full dose and I am getting closer to being smoke-free for life. Tomorrow will be the last day of smoking and I don't think I will finish the pack I have in my purse right now which is fine and really feels great to know that I won't be buying anymore.

I've had a really nice day today. I saw an old friend from high school who had some comic books for Sid, went by the bakery, washed my car, had a cup of coffee at the Vagabond with some friends, went to the DAV with Brandy, who has come around to my recent love life. She said she didn't understand how I could be so trusting of someone I just meet and I had to explain to her that I just meet Bjorn face to face but we 'meet' a long time ago. Afterwards I went by the market to pick up a couple of things before I cam home and while shopping missed a call from Bjorn as my phone doesn't always work by the milk. It was still sweet to hear is voice on my answering machine. I tried to call him back and had a bit of a conversation with his father.

Now I have just woken up from a bit of a nap and am drinking a cup of coffee as I seem to be really tried as I smoke less. This is to be expected and shouldn't last too long.

Day 5

Has gone so-so but has gone and went and now I am looking forward to be done with smoking all together. Tomorrow I up the Chantix again, so now it is only a matter of time before I really leave my past before and look only to my future.

I smoked a bit more tonight as I was at a Indiekid Land party and that is how we deal sometimes with big groups. we take a minute to light a smoke and be alone to process what exactly is going on around us. It's OK, but I will have to find another way to deal with this once I totally quit as I know that just one smoke leads to a pack which leads to full time smoking and I don't want that in my life anymore. I am ready to be done with it and it is worth the moments of being uncomfortable for a while as the pay off will be bigger in the end. I don't want to be an old woman hooked up to oxygen. I want to be vibrant and alive for as long as I can be running after my grand babies and laughing without running out of air.

That said--

I feel like I came out of the closet today in some ways as I made my official announcement to many that I am in love and seeing someone seriously. I filled many in on my happenings of my life at the Anchor at lunch, over coffee at the Vagabond and at a party at Joe and Casey's. I think I may have upset both Jack and James with this news but I really feel that this is more their issue than mine. I held hands with James a few times and Jack just had a crush on me that had nothing to do with me, and while it was flattering he was not ever someone I saw myself with on any scale.

The Indiekid Land gang was nothing but sweet and supportive, and after the brief afternoon I had with my mother was just what I needed. Sometimes I feel bad for her as she has had no real love in her life since I was 6 or 7 and maybe this is why she has so little faith. Thank goodness I didn't gain that aspect of her personality.

I am truly blessed, and for once I think I may be overcoming my own insecurity and not worrying about how long it will last as I see no will end in sight and am therefore able to just embrace every moment. It is such a beautiful and freeing feeling.

Day 4

And, I am tired of measuring my days in terms of quitting smoking and it will be nice when I can be done with it. Today, I have noticed that I am smoking a bit less and when I do I am getting less nicotine. The last time I was on Chantix I suffered from headaches and I am not having that problem this time but know it may happen when I up the dose from 2 mg's in two days. I know that when this happens I will also be smoking even less. I am feeling good about my choice to quit and am looking forward to being smoke free. It will be nice to not tied down to such bad habits.

In other news things are going well. I have been sleeping in and staying in. I tried to get together with a couple of my girlfriends tonight but they were both busy so I may go to Kirbys for a beer and to see some band that my friend Emily suggested.

I am also planning another trip. This time to Madison to see Bjorn. And, over Valentine's Day. I know how silly that day is but it feels really nice to look forward to being with the man I love on this day. And, I do love him.

Day 3

And today I am tired even though I have gotten plenty of sleep today. After I talked to Bjorn before he left to go skiing I slept for a few hours before I got Sid up for school and than came home and went back to sleep till almost one. Today I upped the Chantix dose so I am getting less nicotine than I was yesterday and this is how a good things as I am smoking less. But, I am also getting less of the stimulant effect from smoking so I think that this is why I am tried. Really that is a small price to pay to stop smoking. Monday I think would be a good day too start going to the gym again and will be a good way to spend some time during the day while Sid is at school. It may also help me return back to my 'normal' sleeping routine. I am really more incline to stay up late and sleep in but that doesn't work with the teaching and Sid's school schedule. I like staying up and chatting the hours away.

My biggest problem today is that I can't find anything to read that is really holding my attention and I'm not sure why that is but it is sort of worrying me. I have an overdue libary book I should take back tomorrow and maybe I will find something in the new books section.

Day 2

Today has been much better in terms of mood and sleep, but I have been eating all day long. This will probably pass in a day or two. And, there is always the gym, which I should probably start going to again anyway. In fact I was thinking about how when I am done with buying cigarettes which should be in a matter of days I will be able to afford to take yoga three times a week. Which is exciting! I have wanted to take yoga again but didn't think I could afford it. Now I can so I think tomorrow I will call the yoga studio.

So, far so good.

Day 1

I am quitting smoking, again. I know how many times I have 1) said this and 2) how many times in the last year I have come very close to quitting. I have thought a lot today of what make this time so different and it comes down to my life has changed and I don't want to bring anything negative into this new stage of my life. There are some things I want to leave in the past and smoking is one of them and probably the most important. I don't feel like I even need to smoke anymore. I know that it will take a while to adjust to some things I do while I smoke. Writing being the biggest one. There is something about looking at a page of words and stepping away from them for just a moment to light up. To solve this problem I will only be smoking outside starting tomorrow, which I hate doing as I hate smoking in the cold. I think I will also change the times I block for writing for when Sid is awake since I don't smoke in front of him and he has been really good about giving me space when I tell him I am working. I know I can do this. I have some amazing love and support behind me from a really awesome man, which really is helping my determination. I hate to disappoint people, but I really don't want to disappoint myself, again. I really hate dishonestly and letting myself down, and allowing myself to continue to do something that is so horrible for my health (no matter how much I adore it) is being dishonest with myself and those I hold so dear and love so much more.

In other news, I am super grumpy and tried today. I hope that tonight I will be able to sleep and snap out of it. I have been a bit short with Cassandra, the neighbor's girl, who is here while her parents took care of a problem. She is a lot like me when I was a kid so at times I know I understand her more than those around us, but sometimes she is a bit much too handle. I know if I had slept last night I wouldn't be being so short with everyone. I can only go about four nights with little sleep before it really starts to get to me. If I have at least 6 solid hours a night I am good, so that is what I am shooting for tonight.

Today, while I was reading a book that I was given for Christmas from Bjorn I found a book mark he had placed inside. It was on page 15 and was the first poem I looked up. When I found it I couldn't help but close my eyes for just a moment and remember.... Yesterday, I started to see how for months now there were small reminders of his existence all around me. I carry some things he sent me in my purse, a small red man lives on the fire place mantle, mix CD's I keep on a constant rotation in my car and on my Ipod, letters he has sent typewritten under the coffee table and in the desk drawer. His own fiction work in a file on top of the desk or in the drawer. Some ginger candy on top of the microwave. A book of matches inside my jewelry box.

What is so strange about this is that even before I fell in love with him most of these things were already littered around me. They were things I looked at almost everyday and sighed. I am so very blessed.

I should probably be trying to sleep but I am wide awake, or at least my mind is awake. My body is so tried and still sore. It's a type of sore though that I some ways I don't want to lose as it is at the moment what is keeping me connected to my love. If I stand up and feel a slight tinge in my upper thigh it is another reminder of the most amazing two days.

I wish I could say more, but what else is there to say....

688 miles later

And, I can not write about Iowa. I can not write about the hotel room's bed, or the sound of constant trains that covered my own calls of joy. I can not write about the first quick kiss or the length they became. I can not write about how it he looked when he slept or how his arms felt wrapped tight around me. I can not write about the gifts exchange or the looks. I can not write about the music. I can not write about how my breath left my body or exactly how often it did. I can not write about how so many words were heavy in my mouth and light once in the air. I can not write about how there was no need for food or liquor to get us through. I can not write about the laughter or the smiles and how my cheeks still feel that upward turn of my lips. I can not write about the words from books we read out loud or the pictures passed between of us of our live before 'us.' I can not write about the sound of his beating heart that rang through my dreams, or the tears the fell from my eyes as I fell. I can not write about the regret of leaving the warm bed and going out into the daylight after being locked safely between four walls that for two days became our own.

I can not write about a strange diner off the side of the highway with the mural of farm animals and the waitress who took orders on some hand held gadget instead of paper and pen. I can not write about my pancakes or his sunny side up eggs as finally our stomachs demanded attention. I can not write about the way he looked and looked at me. I can not write about Osceola, because I can not even pronounce it correctly. I can not write about the grayness or how the sun saved us. I can not write about walking the whole small town within a day, hand in hand. I can not write about walking up a steep hill facing west and how the perfect spot to watch the sunset appeared at just the right moment, as sent from God.

I can not write about how miraculous and how blessed...because to do so would perhaps cheapen the amazement of events. Would perhaps give to much away that I want to hold dear and close.

I can write about driving away and feeling I was dreaming and needed to wake up, stopping at a gas station on the edge of Iowa for a piece of flat pizza, because my hunger returned with a force. I can write about the tears the came as I drove through Kansas City while listening to a mix CD given to me and hearing the power behind the music. I can write about being distraught and lost within my own state and fearing I would never manage to find my way home and realizing that home can mean so many different things. I can write about how I waited up for his call even though I am so tried and my eyes are so dry. I can write about how now even though I am heavy with fatigue I can not in fact sleep. I can write about how I know that these things are real and did happen. I can write about how I can still feel this man as my body aches, and this fact alone is what reminds me now as I write this that I am alive. I am not dreaming. I can write that even though there are almost 600 miles between us I do not feel alone, but together. I can write about how love makes even the impossible things seems possible.

I can write that suddenly I have awoken from my slumber.

And, here I am. Sitting in a hotel room in somewhere in Iowa watching the Iowa Caucuses results (which have proved to be interesting) and waiting for Bjorn. Who should be here any minute. I am a ball of nerves. Happy, excited, and a bit scared, but in a good way, if that makes any sense?

The drive up here was long and the traffic in Kansas City was horrible as it was rush hour when I was driving through. Kyle called at just the right moment as I was within a service area and we had a nice chat and it help to break up the drive.

I saw a shooting star. I made a wish.

Sid turned 13 on Sunday. He is growing into an amazing young man who I am very proud of, even if he didn't want to sit at the dinner table and chat with David and I after we had finsihed eating. A year ago he would have talk David's ear off, but I think now he doesn't remember how much they do have in common. I guess this is part of growing up and I sort of remember feeling the same way at his age. Today, he let his step-brother dye some of his hair blue, so I am sure I will have to fix it tomorrow. But, maybe I won't. I remember the first time I tried to dye my hair and my mom didn't fix it for me as a lesson to think a bit first.

Last night, I went to Kirbys because even though I think I would have been just as happy at home I felt I needed to be around friends. I remember once that someone told me that whatever you're doing at midnight on the New Year will be what what you will be doing the rest of the year. I had wanted to not be in Wichita on New Years Eve, but since I was, I felt I should be surrounded by friends. And, I think I made the right choice. I finally got to see the Japanese pop band, Kanshi, that is making a lot of buzz around town and they were in fact a lot of fun. I don't think my friend, Melissa, who was with me, enjoined them or Kirbys, so after they were done and the countdown was over we headed over to a roller girl party. I only knew one girl there and by the time we got there everyone was very drunk. There were people making out everywhere and it felt a lot like the parties I went to in high school in some ways. I drank some crazy punch (beer, champagne, vodka, and lemonade) and took in my surroundings. It was a good night for people watching if nothing else. After we left, Melissa insisted I took her to her ex's house, and I came home and and chatted on the phone for a while. It was nice to start of my 'new year' with laughter and smiles.

I was a tad bit surprise to wake up feeling decent today. I didn't drink too much last night, but I was differently buzzed when I got home. I am more tired today than I have been over the last few days, so now I am taking it easy, working on some art, trying to finally dive into that reading list I set for myself, packing my bags, and getting ready to go to Iowa in two days.

I am a mix of nervous excitement and hope. I have had butterflies in my stomach for days and days, and it is such an odd feeling. I can't remember the last time I felt this way. It has been years since I have felt such an honest connection that I have had to fight off my own insecurity.

Before giving up ex's, I think I will give up insecurity. There is no real reason for it, but I have always found it hard to stay in touch with my own abilities. But, than there is nothing wrong with being humble either.