I am quitting smoking, again. I know how many times I have 1) said this and 2) how many times in the last year I have come very close to quitting. I have thought a lot today of what make this time so different and it comes down to my life has changed and I don't want to bring anything negative into this new stage of my life. There are some things I want to leave in the past and smoking is one of them and probably the most important. I don't feel like I even need to smoke anymore. I know that it will take a while to adjust to some things I do while I smoke. Writing being the biggest one. There is something about looking at a page of words and stepping away from them for just a moment to light up. To solve this problem I will only be smoking outside starting tomorrow, which I hate doing as I hate smoking in the cold. I think I will also change the times I block for writing for when Sid is awake since I don't smoke in front of him and he has been really good about giving me space when I tell him I am working. I know I can do this. I have some amazing love and support behind me from a really awesome man, which really is helping my determination. I hate to disappoint people, but I really don't want to disappoint myself, again. I really hate dishonestly and letting myself down, and allowing myself to continue to do something that is so horrible for my health (no matter how much I adore it) is being dishonest with myself and those I hold so dear and love so much more.
In other news, I am super grumpy and tried today. I hope that tonight I will be able to sleep and snap out of it. I have been a bit short with Cassandra, the neighbor's girl, who is here while her parents took care of a problem. She is a lot like me when I was a kid so at times I know I understand her more than those around us, but sometimes she is a bit much too handle. I know if I had slept last night I wouldn't be being so short with everyone. I can only go about four nights with little sleep before it really starts to get to me. If I have at least 6 solid hours a night I am good, so that is what I am shooting for tonight.
Today, while I was reading a book that I was given for Christmas from Bjorn I found a book mark he had placed inside. It was on page 15 and was the first poem I looked up. When I found it I couldn't help but close my eyes for just a moment and remember.... Yesterday, I started to see how for months now there were small reminders of his existence all around me. I carry some things he sent me in my purse, a small red man lives on the fire place mantle, mix CD's I keep on a constant rotation in my car and on my Ipod, letters he has sent typewritten under the coffee table and in the desk drawer. His own fiction work in a file on top of the desk or in the drawer. Some ginger candy on top of the microwave. A book of matches inside my jewelry box.
What is so strange about this is that even before I fell in love with him most of these things were already littered around me. They were things I looked at almost everyday and sighed. I am so very blessed.
