And, really, I feel a bit blue, which may be because I am cold as there wasn't enough hot water for the shower I had started to take, or because I am beginning to realize just how much smoking used to do for me and now i need to find other ways to deal with these things and have no idea where to start.
Ex 1-Sometimes Sid talks in this really annoying voice. I used to just ignored it and sometimes talk in the same voice back to him (very rarely) and now every time I hear it I just want to scream.
Ex 2- Sometimes my mom doesn't want to talk to me. Tonight, I called her to tell her I was home safe and sound ans asked her if she remembered how much I owed on this credit card I had to get my new computer (that is broke and missing in action) and she didn't so I said, "Well, I think it's about this much so I'm just going to send them that amount and if it is a few dollars more I will pay it next month." So then she tells me to look on the Internet, which, yes I could do, but I just don't feel like looking all that info up cause I'm tired and lazy and it doesn't seem that important to me at the moment I am just trying to get a rough idea of how much I owe and to who. She then has nothing else to say to me and I start having a mild panic attack. She is always this way and we often don't see eye to eye about things, but I accept it and she always wants me to change. I usually would smoke after one of those conversations and than forget about it but now I have sat around just thinking about it.
I have to learn all over again to ignore the small things that bother me. I like to pick my battles wisely and since I have quit smoking I am fighting more battles than I use to and it bothers me and is making my life unpleasant.
I miss the happy upbeat me and really there is no reason to feel blue. Things are really good and decent in my life right now, and I know that this will pass. I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.
Maybe I need to start taking some herbal supplements again? Meditation should help too. And I need to start going back to the gym. I know myself well enough though to know I should start one thing and start slowly otherwise I may crash and burn and that wold just put me back where I am.
On the drive home I saw the most amazing sunset. It was breathtaking. Proof of something higher than myself. If I had had any film left in my camera I would have taking pictures. The sun was almost laying on top of the Prairie and from it this thin line of rose and orange. I wish I could describe it better.
Sid and I had a nice time walking around together today but were a tad disappointed that we couldn't get any ice cream. He got some new anti-war buttons for his jacket and a manga book a child with autism. He is going to be a really great teacher one day. I think he liked Lawrence but was thought that the comic book store was too small and the video game store too pricey. He was happy to have a good slice of pizza as he really doesn't like pizza. We had a nice time together even if I did snap at him a couple of times and it was nice to see him sleeping in the back seat and remember how lucky I am to have such a great kid.
