And, today I want to smoke because I have a headache that is not from small blue pills, but from lack of sleep and the loud voices of the Anchor where I am at typing this out and reading as I had cabin fever and had to get out of my space.
I was up pass dawn talking plans and honesty, and finishing the bottle of red wine I had plan on sharing with Kyle. And, this, just as with what happened in Iowa, would seem unlikely to most. I find that sad that so many have little faith not just in me, but in love at all. What is happening to us as humans, as beings that live and feel, that we have lost the ability to believe even when it seems unlikely and as far fetched as our small love story is. I know how unlikely it would seem, because I have never believed that this type of love was really possible, that it really existed. To me love was something you choose to do with someone who on paper had enough of the right stuff to make it work. My closest and dearest friends would often tell me that I was wrong, and that when I really fall in love I would know, it would feel different, everything would change. Now I have fallen in love, and they are telling me that there is no way I am in love. It's impossible. It's too soon. There's too much risk involved.
It's a very confusing message but I guess since I know my girls sometimes better than they know themselves it is why I have refrained from saying anything much at all in detail till today. Because now I can no longer not talk about it. I need to talk about it, and to be happy about it in the same ways I am always happy for them when they have fallen in love.
My love for him is bigger than me, and out of my control. It fills me in so many ways that I am not sure how to explain, and I have tried in my head to explain it all away. I have told myself it would be easier to not do this, and I always come back to the same place. I have thought before bed that maybe tomorrow I will feel different and when I wake up I don't. I am still filled with belief and faith that I am doing exactly what I should be doing. How can I not give myself up to that power when so many are looking and hoping for the same feeling? It would be like denying all the things that make the world beautiful, as if that is even possible. It would be denying God. Something I have tried and never been able to do.
I thought for sure if anyone would understand it would be Brandy, as she was going to a marry a man who is going to prison for ten plus years, because she loves him. I was going to be in this wedding because it was what she wanted. I supported her even though I didn't agree with what she was doing I stood by her side and said nothing. I know that part of it with Brandy is she is afraid of the risk I am taking and doesn't understand that I can do nothing else. I have no other choice in the matter. I know how risky that sounds, but than I have always been a risk taker. What I don't think Brandy sees, that sometimes I forget about, is just how strong I am. And, what is the point of life if you're not going to take some risks? Where would I be now if I hadn't risked it at more than once. I don't except anyone to understand what I have just now started to understand. I know in my heart that I am doing what is right and pure. Not many of the people around me can say that. Not many can say--
He sees me. He sees everything good and bad. All my faults and all my possibilities, maybe even more than I see them myself. There is an honesty that is almost too raw, and this is part of what makes it all that much real and that much more important. How I never want to hide any part of myself from him and know that I never really have to because it would be pointless.
And, I feel like I see him and all his possibilities and all of his faults and I love him all the more for them. How lucky I am that he trusts me enough to let me so close. How lucky I am to be able to love this man and to have him love me back.
How my dreams are starting to change and how scary, but also right that feels.
