Has gone so-so but has gone and went and now I am looking forward to be done with smoking all together. Tomorrow I up the Chantix again, so now it is only a matter of time before I really leave my past before and look only to my future.
I smoked a bit more tonight as I was at a Indiekid Land party and that is how we deal sometimes with big groups. we take a minute to light a smoke and be alone to process what exactly is going on around us. It's OK, but I will have to find another way to deal with this once I totally quit as I know that just one smoke leads to a pack which leads to full time smoking and I don't want that in my life anymore. I am ready to be done with it and it is worth the moments of being uncomfortable for a while as the pay off will be bigger in the end. I don't want to be an old woman hooked up to oxygen. I want to be vibrant and alive for as long as I can be running after my grand babies and laughing without running out of air.
That said--
I feel like I came out of the closet today in some ways as I made my official announcement to many that I am in love and seeing someone seriously. I filled many in on my happenings of my life at the Anchor at lunch, over coffee at the Vagabond and at a party at Joe and Casey's. I think I may have upset both Jack and James with this news but I really feel that this is more their issue than mine. I held hands with James a few times and Jack just had a crush on me that had nothing to do with me, and while it was flattering he was not ever someone I saw myself with on any scale.
The Indiekid Land gang was nothing but sweet and supportive, and after the brief afternoon I had with my mother was just what I needed. Sometimes I feel bad for her as she has had no real love in her life since I was 6 or 7 and maybe this is why she has so little faith. Thank goodness I didn't gain that aspect of her personality.
I am truly blessed, and for once I think I may be overcoming my own insecurity and not worrying about how long it will last as I see no will end in sight and am therefore able to just embrace every moment. It is such a beautiful and freeing feeling.
