Sid turned 13 on Sunday. He is growing into an amazing young man who I am very proud of, even if he didn't want to sit at the dinner table and chat with David and I after we had finsihed eating. A year ago he would have talk David's ear off, but I think now he doesn't remember how much they do have in common. I guess this is part of growing up and I sort of remember feeling the same way at his age. Today, he let his step-brother dye some of his hair blue, so I am sure I will have to fix it tomorrow. But, maybe I won't. I remember the first time I tried to dye my hair and my mom didn't fix it for me as a lesson to think a bit first.

Last night, I went to Kirbys because even though I think I would have been just as happy at home I felt I needed to be around friends. I remember once that someone told me that whatever you're doing at midnight on the New Year will be what what you will be doing the rest of the year. I had wanted to not be in Wichita on New Years Eve, but since I was, I felt I should be surrounded by friends. And, I think I made the right choice. I finally got to see the Japanese pop band, Kanshi, that is making a lot of buzz around town and they were in fact a lot of fun. I don't think my friend, Melissa, who was with me, enjoined them or Kirbys, so after they were done and the countdown was over we headed over to a roller girl party. I only knew one girl there and by the time we got there everyone was very drunk. There were people making out everywhere and it felt a lot like the parties I went to in high school in some ways. I drank some crazy punch (beer, champagne, vodka, and lemonade) and took in my surroundings. It was a good night for people watching if nothing else. After we left, Melissa insisted I took her to her ex's house, and I came home and and chatted on the phone for a while. It was nice to start of my 'new year' with laughter and smiles.

I was a tad bit surprise to wake up feeling decent today. I didn't drink too much last night, but I was differently buzzed when I got home. I am more tired today than I have been over the last few days, so now I am taking it easy, working on some art, trying to finally dive into that reading list I set for myself, packing my bags, and getting ready to go to Iowa in two days.

I am a mix of nervous excitement and hope. I have had butterflies in my stomach for days and days, and it is such an odd feeling. I can't remember the last time I felt this way. It has been years since I have felt such an honest connection that I have had to fight off my own insecurity.

Before giving up ex's, I think I will give up insecurity. There is no real reason for it, but I have always found it hard to stay in touch with my own abilities. But, than there is nothing wrong with being humble either.