Does always feel like what I guess a family dinner should feel like. Joe and Casey will be leaving at some point this year, which may mean Kyla will be going with them. I know I only see them once or twice a week but there is something about having them around that enriches not just my life but also Sid's. I haven't felt as close to anyone as I feel to some of these kids in years and I am glad that they are part of my life. I will miss them when they move to Iowa City but they'll always be around as I know how the ICT is and how in draws you back sometimes.
8 days till Bjorn is here. The time has moved fast if I think about the fact that I was just there last week and he'll be here next week. I have spent time wondering what he'll think of my home, because that is what it is in more way than I can admit. My history is here. Once, Ian said my roots are deep in Wichita, which they are, there is no doubt about that, bit I also know that soon, sooner than I can really see, it will be time to pull those up. There is no growth left here for me. I will need more if I am to ever fully become whatever it is I am suppose to become. I have no idea where that place is yet: China, New Orleans, Denver, Iowa City, Tulsa, Berlin. I can see myself in so many places right now. I am enjoying the possibilities in front of me. It is more exciting and so very necessary.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
After the strom
Which I know is a lame title and a cliche but that's how I feel right at this moment.
Sid can be so challenging sometimes. He was asked again to not wear is pride and joy leather jacket in science class as it is a hazard and he has to argue with his teacher and than come to me and think I'm going to back him. Which I don't. While I do allow him to question the reasons why there are certain rules I also think that once he is told the reason why the rule is he should follow it, unless it is really wrong, but this one isn't at all. He tends to have to become really upset when I don't take his side. He thinks if I don't it means I don't like him. I always did what I was told when I was his age and while there are times I love his need to question authority sometimes I wish he would pick his battles a bit better. I hate having to yell at him but sometimes he refuses to be quiet and just listen "But, Mom, But Mom" is all he'll say. I think we need a talking stick so that we can talk without fighting. We fight so rarely but when we do it is really upsetting to both of us.
Work was fine today. I taught a lesson on compare and contrast using Facebook and Myspace and picked up my first set of essays for this semester. I am really enjoying tackling 101 and finding ways to cover things. It's not at all like 011 and is more interesting.
My mom was in a much better mood today and even joked around a bit with me. She's still not feeling well and I'm worried about her and it's coming out as frustration. I did tell her she should see a different doctor today and we joked about all the different diseases she may have. She seems to be coming around to meeting Bjorn and even has taken it upon herself to pick where we're going to have dinner that night. That was sort of a relief in some ways.
I just have to decide now what night will be better to have my birthday get together and where it should be and where we should celebrate. Last night I was thinking that maybe I am over thinking things and events more than necessary.
Sid can be so challenging sometimes. He was asked again to not wear is pride and joy leather jacket in science class as it is a hazard and he has to argue with his teacher and than come to me and think I'm going to back him. Which I don't. While I do allow him to question the reasons why there are certain rules I also think that once he is told the reason why the rule is he should follow it, unless it is really wrong, but this one isn't at all. He tends to have to become really upset when I don't take his side. He thinks if I don't it means I don't like him. I always did what I was told when I was his age and while there are times I love his need to question authority sometimes I wish he would pick his battles a bit better. I hate having to yell at him but sometimes he refuses to be quiet and just listen "But, Mom, But Mom" is all he'll say. I think we need a talking stick so that we can talk without fighting. We fight so rarely but when we do it is really upsetting to both of us.
Work was fine today. I taught a lesson on compare and contrast using Facebook and Myspace and picked up my first set of essays for this semester. I am really enjoying tackling 101 and finding ways to cover things. It's not at all like 011 and is more interesting.
My mom was in a much better mood today and even joked around a bit with me. She's still not feeling well and I'm worried about her and it's coming out as frustration. I did tell her she should see a different doctor today and we joked about all the different diseases she may have. She seems to be coming around to meeting Bjorn and even has taken it upon herself to pick where we're going to have dinner that night. That was sort of a relief in some ways.
I just have to decide now what night will be better to have my birthday get together and where it should be and where we should celebrate. Last night I was thinking that maybe I am over thinking things and events more than necessary.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
My weekend has been both pleasant and productive.
Friday, I taught at the prison and I think it went well. I really enjoyed it and am excited to go back next week. The men want to really work shop their work and not be talk at so much, so tat is what we're going to do. I think it will be good for all involved.
Friday night, I was able to see my friend Michele. She is one of my dearest and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We meet up at Barleycorns and watched a pretty amazing set by the Gunshy before heading across the street to the Vagabond to catch up and have some hummus and wine. Whenever we're together it seems like no time has past and I have always felt that feeling is a true measure of friendship. We caught up, I filled her in on my recent adventures to both Iowa and Madison, and she reminded me that the things you usually need the most come when you least expect them (I had more to say about that but that seems to pretty much sum it up). We talked about Sid and Hank and babies in general, and of course gossiped about the sixth floor and touched on my issues with all that goes on up there. She is always so sweet and supportive and I miss her all the time.
We talked a lot about Sid and Hank, and of course, poetry. She really enjoys Wichita and it was nice to be reminded just how nice things can be around here at times. I forget and her view has made it a bit easier to think about the next year I have to spend here. (Oh, and I did slip of the wagon and smoke. I coughed most of yesterday and that made me not crave them at all since)
Last night we had a late dinner with Brian and Emily some cafe that I can never remember where it is or what it's name is. We had a bottle of wine and some really nice sandwiches. Emily and I, afterwards headed over the Alibi Room, where we had a couple of drinks and caught up a bit. It's been a while since I have really since Emily and while our conversations tend to be a bit more awkward I have always enjoyed her company too. We joked about renting one of those party buses for my birthday which would be funny, but I don't think I could afford it. I think I will just put out an open invite to some bar for the Friday before my birthday this year. No mess no fuss sort of deal.
Today, I have been cleaning closets and drawers and mopping floors. I have a touch of spring fever and I want to get everything back in some sort of order. I have a lot of things I'm not using and it's time to decided what is worth keeping and what is not. I got a new shoe tree today as the one I have doesn't seem to really work and hopefully that will help to relieve some of my shoes. I have an issue getting rid of anything I deem as 'vintage.' I just love all that stuff. My goal was to get all my clothes into just the front closet. I got close. I had to put my dresses, coats, and jackets in the closet in my room. I still have all these summer clothes in the basement, but if they don't fit in May I will be tossing them. No reason to hang on to things that don't fit. I have also decided that there are some things that if I don't wear them within the next year they'll be tossed too. I have a love/hate relationship with my love for fashion. But, in the last year I have not bought any 'new' clothes except for a couple pair of jeans and three pair of slacks for work. I think this year the rule should be I can't pay more than five dollars for anything. We'll see how that goes.
Friday, I taught at the prison and I think it went well. I really enjoyed it and am excited to go back next week. The men want to really work shop their work and not be talk at so much, so tat is what we're going to do. I think it will be good for all involved.
Friday night, I was able to see my friend Michele. She is one of my dearest and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We meet up at Barleycorns and watched a pretty amazing set by the Gunshy before heading across the street to the Vagabond to catch up and have some hummus and wine. Whenever we're together it seems like no time has past and I have always felt that feeling is a true measure of friendship. We caught up, I filled her in on my recent adventures to both Iowa and Madison, and she reminded me that the things you usually need the most come when you least expect them (I had more to say about that but that seems to pretty much sum it up). We talked about Sid and Hank and babies in general, and of course gossiped about the sixth floor and touched on my issues with all that goes on up there. She is always so sweet and supportive and I miss her all the time.
We talked a lot about Sid and Hank, and of course, poetry. She really enjoys Wichita and it was nice to be reminded just how nice things can be around here at times. I forget and her view has made it a bit easier to think about the next year I have to spend here. (Oh, and I did slip of the wagon and smoke. I coughed most of yesterday and that made me not crave them at all since)
Last night we had a late dinner with Brian and Emily some cafe that I can never remember where it is or what it's name is. We had a bottle of wine and some really nice sandwiches. Emily and I, afterwards headed over the Alibi Room, where we had a couple of drinks and caught up a bit. It's been a while since I have really since Emily and while our conversations tend to be a bit more awkward I have always enjoyed her company too. We joked about renting one of those party buses for my birthday which would be funny, but I don't think I could afford it. I think I will just put out an open invite to some bar for the Friday before my birthday this year. No mess no fuss sort of deal.
Today, I have been cleaning closets and drawers and mopping floors. I have a touch of spring fever and I want to get everything back in some sort of order. I have a lot of things I'm not using and it's time to decided what is worth keeping and what is not. I got a new shoe tree today as the one I have doesn't seem to really work and hopefully that will help to relieve some of my shoes. I have an issue getting rid of anything I deem as 'vintage.' I just love all that stuff. My goal was to get all my clothes into just the front closet. I got close. I had to put my dresses, coats, and jackets in the closet in my room. I still have all these summer clothes in the basement, but if they don't fit in May I will be tossing them. No reason to hang on to things that don't fit. I have also decided that there are some things that if I don't wear them within the next year they'll be tossed too. I have a love/hate relationship with my love for fashion. But, in the last year I have not bought any 'new' clothes except for a couple pair of jeans and three pair of slacks for work. I think this year the rule should be I can't pay more than five dollars for anything. We'll see how that goes.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The day passed as well as always. Sid was sick again today but I had to teach so he was here most of the day by himself. Anne and Robin were around for some of the day so they kept an eye on him and he has a phone so he did call a few times. He seems to be feeling a little better.
I have been really anxious all day. I think it may because I'm taking some different medicine because I'm not feeling very well.
I wish I had something interesting to say. I think sometimes I just blog everyday to feel like I'm doing something with my words and as a way to sort of keep track on my days since some much of the time they all start to run into one day.
Tomorrow I will go to Hutch to teach in the prison for the first time and I feel completely unprepared. I constantly doubt my own knowledge base when it comes to poetry and really feel like I have no right teaching it. Even when I was working at Sid's school I felt like I wasn't doing the art form justice. I am no expert y any means so we'll see how it goes.
Most of the day I have felt like I am missing some part of myself. Like I left some important part of thing somewhere but yet I can't quite place it and am not totally sure what it is. Last night it was really bad when I was trying to go to sleep. I kept trying to lay in the bed so I could take up as much room as possible, my thoughts were running wild.
But, than I hardly ever sleep that well.
I have been really anxious all day. I think it may because I'm taking some different medicine because I'm not feeling very well.
I wish I had something interesting to say. I think sometimes I just blog everyday to feel like I'm doing something with my words and as a way to sort of keep track on my days since some much of the time they all start to run into one day.
Tomorrow I will go to Hutch to teach in the prison for the first time and I feel completely unprepared. I constantly doubt my own knowledge base when it comes to poetry and really feel like I have no right teaching it. Even when I was working at Sid's school I felt like I wasn't doing the art form justice. I am no expert y any means so we'll see how it goes.
Most of the day I have felt like I am missing some part of myself. Like I left some important part of thing somewhere but yet I can't quite place it and am not totally sure what it is. Last night it was really bad when I was trying to go to sleep. I kept trying to lay in the bed so I could take up as much room as possible, my thoughts were running wild.
But, than I hardly ever sleep that well.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I am back from my long weekend in Madison; which was all snow for miles and miles. I have never seen that much snow. It was a tad bit amazing and also daunting and scary in some ways, but then aren't most things that are beautiful and wonderful? It was also cold, but that cold really didn't bother me as much as was predicted by others. The plane delays coming home were upsetting, but to be excepted if traveling during the winter to a place that has had over 6 feet of snow already this winter.
Of course, other things did happen besides the cold and snow: a short day trip to a childhood home, a grave yard, a candy store, dinner with parents, a tiger themed bar, a trip to the market, dinner, poetry, laughter, hands held to stay warm, tossing and turning, a beautiful sun set, nice wine, and love.
I spent most of yesterday, besides trying keep track of when my plane was leaving as the time was constantly changing, trying not to cry. My girlfriend, Melissa, called while I was drinking my second cup of cold press in the coffee shop in the airport to cry on my shoulder for a while about the man she has been dating for a long time. Things aren't going well between the two of them, and in some ways she helped me to remember to not worry so much about things.
I did cry though, but just a bit.
Today, has been just a day.
I decided to drop my second thesis adviser for a fiction professor. I taught two classes, had some lunch in my office, took Sid in piano lessons, had some dinner and did a bit of reading.
Something has just felt out of place all day.
Of course, other things did happen besides the cold and snow: a short day trip to a childhood home, a grave yard, a candy store, dinner with parents, a tiger themed bar, a trip to the market, dinner, poetry, laughter, hands held to stay warm, tossing and turning, a beautiful sun set, nice wine, and love.
I spent most of yesterday, besides trying keep track of when my plane was leaving as the time was constantly changing, trying not to cry. My girlfriend, Melissa, called while I was drinking my second cup of cold press in the coffee shop in the airport to cry on my shoulder for a while about the man she has been dating for a long time. Things aren't going well between the two of them, and in some ways she helped me to remember to not worry so much about things.
I did cry though, but just a bit.
Today, has been just a day.
I decided to drop my second thesis adviser for a fiction professor. I taught two classes, had some lunch in my office, took Sid in piano lessons, had some dinner and did a bit of reading.
Something has just felt out of place all day.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Day 30
This is really my 30th day smoke free and 37 days since I started quitting. I planned it so that on the same day I would leave to go to Madison I would be 30 days in and less tempted to start again.
I talked to Craig tonight for two hours and it was so nice to hear from him. I really needed some assurance on some things and he's always good for that. I miss him a lot and it helped to hear from him.
I should be sleeping but I'm not really tired. I've spent most of my day with Sid and getting things ready around the house to leave.
less than 24 hours now...
I talked to Craig tonight for two hours and it was so nice to hear from him. I really needed some assurance on some things and he's always good for that. I miss him a lot and it helped to hear from him.
I should be sleeping but I'm not really tired. I've spent most of my day with Sid and getting things ready around the house to leave.
less than 24 hours now...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Some days are just slow and today was one of those days, but as usual I didn't really mind. I had a lot to do and I think I got through most of those things. I have some more things that need to be taken care of tomorrow and I guess I should make a list. Mainly I'm worried about who is going to for sure take care of Jack, but I think I can get that worked out tomorrow. If worse comes to worse Robin said she could do it.
I wish I had more exciting things to say today, besides I feel fat and I'm wide awake when I know I should be tired. I haven't gotten to the gym as often as I wish I had in the last week. It's so hard to go anywhere when it's cold out. And, all this life changing stuff is hard. I am trying to just tackle one thing at a time so that I will make real changes that will last. Since I have just really quit smoking I'm not being too hard on myself for no hitting the gym as hard and have mad a new goal which I will start working towards a bit more on Monday.
I wish I had more exciting things to say today, besides I feel fat and I'm wide awake when I know I should be tired. I haven't gotten to the gym as often as I wish I had in the last week. It's so hard to go anywhere when it's cold out. And, all this life changing stuff is hard. I am trying to just tackle one thing at a time so that I will make real changes that will last. Since I have just really quit smoking I'm not being too hard on myself for no hitting the gym as hard and have mad a new goal which I will start working towards a bit more on Monday.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Hmm...today went OK I guess. I tried to do something nice for my mother by giving her some fudge which she enjoyed but was totally grumpy when I gave it to her.
It was my day to be for workshop and it's always a bit stressful. I had sort of discovered on my own what my poem is lacking before workshop so in some ways it felt a bit wasteful that we talked about my work so long when there were two other people to get to before class was over, and when I left we had yet to start the last writer of the night. I tried to move the class on a bit quicker but Oh well, I tried.
I am glad that after all this time in school I really am becoming my own best reader. That on my own I can look at my work and realize where the weaknesses and where the strengths are. Albeit that it does take a couple of days, to a few weeks, of being away from the piece to see it; I am starting to, and I think Albert should be proud since that is where he pushes all of us to be by this point. I feel like it's a sign that I am growing as a writer and I am glad that this is my last workshop. At times it's exhausting and I think for me it is not really inspiring the way it was when I started workshops. This may be that I don't have any real supporters in the workshop the way I did when Craig was here. I miss him so much. He always started off with what was right with a poem before what wasn't working and it made it that much easier. If I hear one more time that poems need titles, or what makes this a poem I may scream. For fucks sake I'm not the only young American writer not titling things! I am also not the only one who is writing in this format! In fact I am a bit late coming to this format. There were many before me. It's not really that edgy or odd at all.
Blah...
OK, now that I have ranted a bit I feel a bit better and think I'll take Jack for a walk to calm my nerves and clear my head. I've put myself on a bit of a workout program as I need to drop a few pounds and I've noticed that maybe I've replaced my smoking with chocolate. I've never ever been an emotional eater so I have already started to put this in check, well it's only been on hour, but at least I realized what I was doing before it did become an out of control habit.
Today I ate a fortune cookie that said "where there's a will, there's a way." I hope so.
71 hours and 3 minutes
It was my day to be for workshop and it's always a bit stressful. I had sort of discovered on my own what my poem is lacking before workshop so in some ways it felt a bit wasteful that we talked about my work so long when there were two other people to get to before class was over, and when I left we had yet to start the last writer of the night. I tried to move the class on a bit quicker but Oh well, I tried.
I am glad that after all this time in school I really am becoming my own best reader. That on my own I can look at my work and realize where the weaknesses and where the strengths are. Albeit that it does take a couple of days, to a few weeks, of being away from the piece to see it; I am starting to, and I think Albert should be proud since that is where he pushes all of us to be by this point. I feel like it's a sign that I am growing as a writer and I am glad that this is my last workshop. At times it's exhausting and I think for me it is not really inspiring the way it was when I started workshops. This may be that I don't have any real supporters in the workshop the way I did when Craig was here. I miss him so much. He always started off with what was right with a poem before what wasn't working and it made it that much easier. If I hear one more time that poems need titles, or what makes this a poem I may scream. For fucks sake I'm not the only young American writer not titling things! I am also not the only one who is writing in this format! In fact I am a bit late coming to this format. There were many before me. It's not really that edgy or odd at all.
Blah...
OK, now that I have ranted a bit I feel a bit better and think I'll take Jack for a walk to calm my nerves and clear my head. I've put myself on a bit of a workout program as I need to drop a few pounds and I've noticed that maybe I've replaced my smoking with chocolate. I've never ever been an emotional eater so I have already started to put this in check, well it's only been on hour, but at least I realized what I was doing before it did become an out of control habit.
Today I ate a fortune cookie that said "where there's a will, there's a way." I hope so.
71 hours and 3 minutes
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Over the counting
Plus, I sort of lost track. I will say that today I hardly thought about smoking and the one time I did it was because I noticed I wasn't thinking about smoking. I'm almost 30 days totally smoke free now. I feel better mentally and haven't coughed at all.
I had a couple of bad days last week. I heard through the sixth floor rumor mill that I spoke too long at the GTA interview with one of the candidates for the creative writing director. I don't care though. 1) I do think I understand what our program needs, since I have been at WSU since the beginning of time and have watch it go downhill and 2) I'm the president of EGSA. I just thought it was funny that I had to hear about it from Albert and not from my fellow classmates. We have two more candidates coming to visit and I am excited to see what they have to offer before I put in any real word of recommendation for any of them. I would like to see our program become a great one instead of the so-so one it is now.
I've had a pretty nice weekend, which was needed after all the stress with Patrick and school. Friday I went to a party at Joe and Casey's. I drank a whole bottle of wine and laughed a lot. Last night I had my annual Chinese New Year's party. The crowd was small but all my close friends came and it was nice to see some of them after not having time to really catch up. It was over by a decent time and I was happy to be in bed by 2:30. Today, I went ran some errands and did the laundry. I have done a little submitting and made a nice dinner for Sid and I.
I am looking forward to the rest of my week to go by fast. I have quite a few things to take care of before I leave in
4 days....
I had a couple of bad days last week. I heard through the sixth floor rumor mill that I spoke too long at the GTA interview with one of the candidates for the creative writing director. I don't care though. 1) I do think I understand what our program needs, since I have been at WSU since the beginning of time and have watch it go downhill and 2) I'm the president of EGSA. I just thought it was funny that I had to hear about it from Albert and not from my fellow classmates. We have two more candidates coming to visit and I am excited to see what they have to offer before I put in any real word of recommendation for any of them. I would like to see our program become a great one instead of the so-so one it is now.
I've had a pretty nice weekend, which was needed after all the stress with Patrick and school. Friday I went to a party at Joe and Casey's. I drank a whole bottle of wine and laughed a lot. Last night I had my annual Chinese New Year's party. The crowd was small but all my close friends came and it was nice to see some of them after not having time to really catch up. It was over by a decent time and I was happy to be in bed by 2:30. Today, I went ran some errands and did the laundry. I have done a little submitting and made a nice dinner for Sid and I.
I am looking forward to the rest of my week to go by fast. I have quite a few things to take care of before I leave in
4 days....
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Day 32
The rest of yesterday pretty much sucked, but today was much better. Which may be because I started taking all those herbal supplements that help my anxiety or because things just don't see as grim as they did yesterday morning. Maybe it's both.
I spent most of my day at work. My classes went really well today and the discussion went well with my students along with an activity I did with them on adding detail to their writing. I had a nice lunch in my office with Brandi, my office mate, remember to do my writing center hour, printed off what I think is my thesis (which isn't much, yet), and went to a meeting. Afterwards I went to the gym since I had a little bit of time before Sid's parent teacher conference. That went OK and I think everything is going to work out at school for him as soon as he learns to turn in his work after he's done with it.
Tonight, I am going to meet my friend, Amber, for a drink. It is after all today is Chinese New Year (Or Tibetan, Korean, take your pick). A drink is called for before I start trying to finish all the last minute prep for the party of Saturday.
7 days...
I spent most of my day at work. My classes went really well today and the discussion went well with my students along with an activity I did with them on adding detail to their writing. I had a nice lunch in my office with Brandi, my office mate, remember to do my writing center hour, printed off what I think is my thesis (which isn't much, yet), and went to a meeting. Afterwards I went to the gym since I had a little bit of time before Sid's parent teacher conference. That went OK and I think everything is going to work out at school for him as soon as he learns to turn in his work after he's done with it.
Tonight, I am going to meet my friend, Amber, for a drink. It is after all today is Chinese New Year (Or Tibetan, Korean, take your pick). A drink is called for before I start trying to finish all the last minute prep for the party of Saturday.
7 days...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Days 30-31
Last night, I had yet another fight with my ex-husband on the raising on our son. I was once again told that everything wrong is my fault. OK, so yes, I was not totally aware of how far behind Sid was in some of his school work, but that's all. I knew when everything important was due and was a bit shocked that none of his teachers had informed me that his school work was that far behind. Now, Pat is falling all over himself with the "I told you so." What it comes down to is that if Sid doesn't shape up just a little bit when I move Pat is going to fight me on it. I've explained this to Sid and I am hoping that will be enough for him to shape up. I think he understands what we both expect from him.
Since last night I have had this nagging feeling that this is what Eric was talking about when he was telling me about how my life is too hard for most to handle. And, he's right in some ways. This part of my life really is challenging at times. It's true and there's no way around that. In some ways I think it's better cause I'm not one to be caught up in too much other drama and I pick my battles well. I have learned the difference between what is important to fight for and what is not. Really we don't fight that often, but when we do it's usually over some issue that needs to be resolved. So, really it's not that bad it just probably seems that way to some people. I know I could make it easier if I would just give in and let Pat have full 50/50 custody on the every other week schedule, but 1) that's not what Sid wants and 2) it's not what Pat wants either it's what his wife wants. When I explained that to him last night he hang up on me. It sort of made me laugh.
If I ever wanted to smoke it was last night when I was driving 30 miles in the snow storm to pick up Sid's meds from his dads. On top of the agrument I had with Pat, somehow we misplaced a bottle of Sid's medication. Because I didn't drive for four years I am out of practice of driving in harsh weather conditions, so it made me a bit anxiuos to drive that far but I got through it smoke free and am feeling much better today. Except I did skip the gym as the roads are still a bit rough so I thought maybe it would be better to wait a bit to go in to the office. I had a secret wish that campus would be closed today but my wish wasn't granted and it's probably better as I have three meetings today and it's probably better to just get things out of the way as soon as possible.
Today is a new day.
8 days...
Since last night I have had this nagging feeling that this is what Eric was talking about when he was telling me about how my life is too hard for most to handle. And, he's right in some ways. This part of my life really is challenging at times. It's true and there's no way around that. In some ways I think it's better cause I'm not one to be caught up in too much other drama and I pick my battles well. I have learned the difference between what is important to fight for and what is not. Really we don't fight that often, but when we do it's usually over some issue that needs to be resolved. So, really it's not that bad it just probably seems that way to some people. I know I could make it easier if I would just give in and let Pat have full 50/50 custody on the every other week schedule, but 1) that's not what Sid wants and 2) it's not what Pat wants either it's what his wife wants. When I explained that to him last night he hang up on me. It sort of made me laugh.
If I ever wanted to smoke it was last night when I was driving 30 miles in the snow storm to pick up Sid's meds from his dads. On top of the agrument I had with Pat, somehow we misplaced a bottle of Sid's medication. Because I didn't drive for four years I am out of practice of driving in harsh weather conditions, so it made me a bit anxiuos to drive that far but I got through it smoke free and am feeling much better today. Except I did skip the gym as the roads are still a bit rough so I thought maybe it would be better to wait a bit to go in to the office. I had a secret wish that campus would be closed today but my wish wasn't granted and it's probably better as I have three meetings today and it's probably better to just get things out of the way as soon as possible.
Today is a new day.
8 days...
Monday, February 4, 2008
Day 29
And, really I'm tired of counting the days since I've quit, but I feel like I need to cause there are still some times when I do want to smoke, and until that urges totally passes I think it is important to keep track of how many days I have between me and my choice to change this part of my life.
So, today I've been suffering for a lot of anxiety. I went to the gym too and usually that helps me to not feel so anxious but it didn't today. Smoking used to be what I used to help me forget I was having an anxiety attack. I guess I'm lucky that I haven't been having more anxiety than I have had over the past month.
My day was sort of odd. I went to the gym but forgot a towel so I had to come back home to shower, than I was taking the dog out and locked myself out. Neither of these things bothered me that much though. I can't think of these two small things as bad things. I thought about about how it could have really changed my mood and how my happiness was all my own choice today.
Which is the other thing I have been thinking about a lot today. Why can't I just let myself be happy? Because I am happy.
10 days...
So, today I've been suffering for a lot of anxiety. I went to the gym too and usually that helps me to not feel so anxious but it didn't today. Smoking used to be what I used to help me forget I was having an anxiety attack. I guess I'm lucky that I haven't been having more anxiety than I have had over the past month.
My day was sort of odd. I went to the gym but forgot a towel so I had to come back home to shower, than I was taking the dog out and locked myself out. Neither of these things bothered me that much though. I can't think of these two small things as bad things. I thought about about how it could have really changed my mood and how my happiness was all my own choice today.
Which is the other thing I have been thinking about a lot today. Why can't I just let myself be happy? Because I am happy.
10 days...
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Day 28
And, I have really wanted to smoke a couple of times but have resisted.
Last night it was easy to be at the show and not be tempted since all of Lawrence is smoke free.
Today, we drove home in a slight fog and gray sky. If I looked at the sun at just the right angle it looked more like the moon than the sun. It was a nice trip all around.
I wish I had more to say but I'm super tired and I think I may be coming down with a cold.
11 days...
Last night it was easy to be at the show and not be tempted since all of Lawrence is smoke free.
Today, we drove home in a slight fog and gray sky. If I looked at the sun at just the right angle it looked more like the moon than the sun. It was a nice trip all around.
I wish I had more to say but I'm super tired and I think I may be coming down with a cold.
11 days...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Days 26-27
Yesterday was a bit rough. I was a bit emotional already and than Eric, one of my closest friends said some things to me during a phone conversation that hurt my feelings. I don't always take the things said to me by other people too seriously, but he is dear to me and I have always know that he really does care for me. The rest of the day had it's ups and downs, but I came through it smoke free and that is what should really be noted. I think the cold is sort of creeping under my skin a bit and I haven't been able to go for my walks with Jack as the there was snow everywhere and no one ever shovels their sidewalks. I have really started to count on them I guess.
Today, I have already started off on a better note. I woke up in a good mood and talked with Sid who is taking his having to stay home all weekend to do homework decently. I think it may be a good lesson for him. I understand him in more ways than he understands. I didn't like to do my classwork at school either. He draws where I had my head hidden in a book, but my mother never noticed that my grades were bad. Poor Sid has me and I keep a decent eye on things, but his father and step-mother are micro-managers and always calling his teachers. I have a grasp of when all his major assignments were due and what had to be done for them but I had no idea that he was so behind on the daily work. Part of me wished Pat had stayed out of it since I had already told him that if his grades were below B's he wouldn't be given any allowance or do any thing after school or with friends until he raised them. I think he wold have learned a better lesson when I was looking at his grade card and asking why his grades were so low. Now he's able to turn in all his work late and still get the grade and I'm not sure if that really teaches him much. I guess maybe I should try and talk to Pat and Dr. Reddy about that. Dr. Reddy tends to take my side in these types of issues, which pisses off Pat. I just don't see how he's ever going to become fully independent if ever time he doesn't do his work his father goes to the school and smooths it all over with his teachers and picks it up for him. I'll have to think about a better way to approach Pat about that subject. I hate it when he starts screaming at me.
I'm going to Lawrence today to see the Liars with the Indieland kids. It should be fun and I am happy to have some time with everyone. We are hoping to go up early enough to have dinner and maybe get to the record store. Till we leave I'm going to do some reading and writing I think. I was going to go to the Asian market with Anne but she's not here yet. We need to pick up the food for our annual Chinese New Years party. This year Robin is going to invite her friends too and so that will be three apartments to go between. I'm sure the neighbors will love that, although I don't think anything can top my birthday party.
12 days...
Today, I have already started off on a better note. I woke up in a good mood and talked with Sid who is taking his having to stay home all weekend to do homework decently. I think it may be a good lesson for him. I understand him in more ways than he understands. I didn't like to do my classwork at school either. He draws where I had my head hidden in a book, but my mother never noticed that my grades were bad. Poor Sid has me and I keep a decent eye on things, but his father and step-mother are micro-managers and always calling his teachers. I have a grasp of when all his major assignments were due and what had to be done for them but I had no idea that he was so behind on the daily work. Part of me wished Pat had stayed out of it since I had already told him that if his grades were below B's he wouldn't be given any allowance or do any thing after school or with friends until he raised them. I think he wold have learned a better lesson when I was looking at his grade card and asking why his grades were so low. Now he's able to turn in all his work late and still get the grade and I'm not sure if that really teaches him much. I guess maybe I should try and talk to Pat and Dr. Reddy about that. Dr. Reddy tends to take my side in these types of issues, which pisses off Pat. I just don't see how he's ever going to become fully independent if ever time he doesn't do his work his father goes to the school and smooths it all over with his teachers and picks it up for him. I'll have to think about a better way to approach Pat about that subject. I hate it when he starts screaming at me.
I'm going to Lawrence today to see the Liars with the Indieland kids. It should be fun and I am happy to have some time with everyone. We are hoping to go up early enough to have dinner and maybe get to the record store. Till we leave I'm going to do some reading and writing I think. I was going to go to the Asian market with Anne but she's not here yet. We need to pick up the food for our annual Chinese New Years party. This year Robin is going to invite her friends too and so that will be three apartments to go between. I'm sure the neighbors will love that, although I don't think anything can top my birthday party.
12 days...
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