I had a thought just now that I should get out of my head and down on so that maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight and not toss and turn--

Am I becoming obsessed with all this?

I thought about that for a moment and than I realized that no, I'm just working my way through all the sadness and indecision and if I'm still feeling like this in a couple of weeks than I should really think about it all again.

I wish I could say that I felt better today, but I don't.

For a moment I did sort of feel better at the market for some reason while I was talking to the cashier, but it passed as soon as I got back out to my car.

I keep thinking maybe I just made it all up in my head. All those feelings I felt were just me being so lonely I just assumed that he felt them too and really none of the past three months happened. But, then I reread an old email and I remember something I forgotten before, the way he moves his head sometimes, or the way he put his arms around my shoulder when I was driving him around the down and out places I lived in as a child. All the fucking things I've told him. I shouldn't have let him in so much. I should have just kept all my secrets to myself. Never told him I fell for him.

Those aren't things I share with just my 'friends.'

If he isn't sure how he loves me than why did it bother him the couple of times I signed my emails 'love ya' instead of 'I love you?'

I feel like I've been tricked-- Here fall for me, and once I have you on the hook I'm going to go ahead and tell you that maybe I love you only like a friend. Once you've taken your guard down lower than it has been in so long you can't remember, I'm going to tell you that I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you, even though I have told you I was in love with you, remember I said it in Iowa, and I kept reminding you that I love you every time you felt scared....

FUCK.

I'm really trying to understand. I really am, but I just don't.

All those times he told me he loved me he didn't mean it the same way I did? He didn't really feel the same way I did when we were in each others arms talking about how being that close together sort of felt like home?

I tell my friends I love them and they tell me but it always sounds different. It has a different tone to it.

I wish I could just let it go, I keep trying. I wish I could shut the door to all this confusion and just walk away. Why can't I? I have before. I wasn't at all upset when the drunk lover left, and when Nathan and I broke up, I allowed him to walk out the door. I was upset when he left, I'll even admit to being hurt, but it was mainly because I was being rejected for being myself and not for having a child. Which hurts about 1000 times worse. But, at some point with Nathan I realized that I was better off without him and got over it. I was more upset about being alone than losing him and that is not at all the case here with Bjorn.

I just feel so stupid. And so sad and confused and no one seems to be to help so I keep trying to just pray and offer it up. To just keep living for just right now and than something will remind me of him and I start to cry all over again.


I started crying a little bit ago in front of my mom and Sid when they were talking about how badly they acted at dinner that night, and when I told them how much it bothered me not just that night but also tonight, my mom told me to 'shut-up' and hope that one day I find a man who knows what he wants.

I thought he did.

At least enough to know that he loved me.

It's not the first time I was wrong.

I'm sure it won't be the last.

I feel bad whining so much about this when everyone around me is going through real pain. I have no right to be so selfish.

I'm just one person.

I've been having so many odd dreams. The other night I dreamt I was in jail for six years but for something that was really small and petty. That dream was followed by some very sexual dreams that I can't really remember now but they felt very very real at the time.

I had the oddest dream this morning when I was so tired I just couldn't stay awake where I had a beard and I had to shave it and I had no idea how to shave and when I tried I just started crying and when I woke up I was covered in tears. It was so odd. I cry a lot. I cry over sad commercials and sad poems. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and I cry when I see my friends hurt. With two lovers I have cried during sex, with one more than the other, but I have never woke up crying.

I received an email from a friend whose wedding I am going to in a couple of weeks asking if I wanted to be seated by a single guy or if I would be bring a date. That made me cry. I know she meant well though. My office mate called to tell me she wants to introduce me to some guy she knows from this jazz club. Eric is still pushing the piano player and all of the sudden I'm being stalk by a whole slew of new weirdo's on Okcupid. James Harris wrote me and said it was too bad I wasn't naked the last time he saw me. Something about that didn't feel right since he's engaged now and she's having a baby. I know he was kidding but it still bothers me.

Isn't that always the way it goes?

Craig sent me a nice text message today. I really miss him. We're having a hard time maintaining our friendship since he moved. But, I know it would be like this so I'm OK with that fact. I know that his door is always open to me coming and visiting him wherever he is and that it will be like he never left. But, I really wish he was still here. He did tell me that he's not writing well either and blamed it all on the weather so that was funny and nice to hear.

Albert wants to see my thesis. I'm not sure why I'm so worried about it but I am. It's only half way done and the last half is coming so slow.

I'm going to drink a glass of wine now and try not to cry myself to sleep tonight.

I'm so tired even though I slept last night.



I'm living on caffine and ciggerattes. A bowl of cercel every once in a while.



I hate that I'm like this, that I can sink this low. That I allow myself to hurt this badly.

I'm over all the games. Today, I thought about taking down my myspace and my okcupid profiles just so I could close the door all the way.

But, I'm not ready to do that yet.

When I think about taking down his pictures and packing up the things I have from him I can't even think about it.

I threw up earlier while I was writing a letter to him.

What the fuck?

I've been shaky and a tad bit crazy when I've been going through heartache. I'll sleep and withdrawal but I have never ever throw up. Even now as I write this I feel unreal.

I have been thinking about the times we have spent together. The weekend in Iowa, our first kiss, that long walk, all the talking, that sunset, how hard it was to say goodbye, how when I flew to Madison and we spent most of the weekend in because it was so cold, meeting his parents, how hard it was to leave again, his visit here and how we both felt sick when he left, my last visit there and how close I felt to him. I can't believe that it was just me that felt all those feelings, all that strong emotion.

I've been in one sided things before. I was in a one sided relationship with Ian for over a year. This never ever felt that way. I always thought we were in it together and now he thinks that he may only love me as a 'friend.' I'm so confused. I just don't understand that at all. I've tried to wrap my head around it all day.

I understand that he's not ready for my child. I can make sense of that in some ways. I have never asked him to be anything to Sid though. I thought in time if we were really right for one another they would build they're own relationship. If I were him I would be scared too. But, I know that I would never walk away from someone I loved if the only thing I was unsure of was a child. I would try and make it work.

What kills me even more about the 'child' issue is that it's never been an issue before. Even with Ian, when Sid was at his worst and he had to view and be by my side during all the real crap Sid was never the reason he left me. And, when I talk to Casey, Joe, and Jackson about it, the three guys who would probably be the first to jump at the thought is being with someone with a kid, they shake they're heads and say "What the fuck. He should have thought about all this before and what's the problem with Sid, you're not asking him to be his dad, etc..." And, that makes this all the more confusing and hard. I guess Jackson understands since he did date that woman who had the eight year old girl for a long time. He told me he left her because he wanted her to move here and she wouldn't. That makes sense.

And, I understand how it would seem scary to move to Wichita to be closer to me since he's never done that before. I've never asked anyone to do that before. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I had to ask. I didn't know what else to do. I still don't.

But, that's me. That's how I roll. I fight for what I believe in because I believe in so little anymore.

I know just how precious love really is, how it doesn't happen very often.

On top of this Pat and Melissa, and I have decided that it's time for me to tell Sid that I may have to go overseas for work and that he may have to stay here.

So, I'm not only maybe losing the man who helped me to believe in love again, but I'll probably be leaving the only child I'll ever had just so I can pay off grad school. I know that he'll be able to come and visit me but I won't have his smiling face everyday in my life in the same way. He's the reason I'm still alive. So many days I think about just letting go and than I remember that Sid is there and he needs me still.

He just came home and told me about his new friend he meet at the comic book store. A 25 year old game designer. They talked for hours. He's such a good kid. I'm glad that others can see how great he is and that he and his dad are starting to get along better. It has been a lot easier since Pat started to pick up a bit of the slack again. Hopefully it lasts.

He can always tell I've when I've been crying. When I told him why, he just hugged me and said, "I'm sorry Mama, I really liked Bjorn."

What do I say to that?

Life's funny sometimes.

Sometimes you walk through rain to the market and feel so alone and then out of no where a smiling face shows up and wraps his arms around you and tells everything is going to be OK and for just a moment you almost believe.

Now, I'm getting ready to drink myself to sleep.

I don't know what else to do.

I have to take my car to the shop and spend $500 out of my summer savings to fix it and tomorrow I have to go to SRS and fight again for health insurance, and then I have class, and Albert now wants to see my thesis and it all fucking sucks and I and he both know that, and I have all these papers to grade and that gig is up. My students know I have no idea what I'm really doing, and I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this mess.

I just sort of want to scream. I'm at a totally lost as to what to do at this point. He says he loves me but doesn't know if he ever wants to see me again? I'm over being jerked around. I have my faults. I do. But, I'm worth a little more than that much indecision.

What hurts the most I guess is that it's not just me who doesn't understand. So many of my friends don't understand either. They all thought we were happy together. The Sid issue baffles them. Especially Joe and Casey. Who you would think would be the two guys who would understand how he's feeling the most. Joe teased me and told me he would marry me if nothing else came through. He's going through some stuff too so it's been nice to hang out a little bit with him.

Work sucks. I have one student who is stressing me out. Thankfully, it's almost over.

I can't seem to write anything new worth wild. It's just as depressing as being in a one sided relationship.

I thought I had gotten over this when I am and I broke up, but I guess I didn't.

I love him and want this to work out but I can't do in alone.

Post 100

I think I'm sleeping too much. I'm always tired.

Bjorn still hasn't told me if he wants to see me again or when. He's dodging the question and I'm not sure why. He's so fucking passive sometimes I'm not sure if he's just not sure what he wants to do or if he's waiting until I'm so over it I leave him instead of him having to leave me. Little does he know that I'm pretty passive myself and I can just hang out for a while and wait it out with him. I miss him so much. He should get my letter either tomorrow or Friday asking him to move to Wichita and hopefully that will cause he to make some sort of move. I know that the worse he can say is no and if that is what he says then I am going to have to move on. It's been almost a year since this has started and I think he should know by now if he wants to a real try at this.

Today, Eric invited me to go to Lawrence next weekend to meet some guy he's wanted to introduce me too for a long time. I may go to see Eric but even if Bjorn and I do stop I don't think I want to see anyone for a long time.

Wow, I'm boring.

I haven't smoked today. At least I can say that if nothing else. I am getting ready to walk the dog and plan on starting to go to the gym on Friday. I can lose 20 pounds and finish my thesis this summer.

Things I realized today:

I don't need him. I long for him and that is very different from need. the last person I really needed was Ian and that left me empty and lost.

He dodge my question of when we would see each other again. He is either 1) trying to let me down easy or 2) has to look at his onw time table to see what will work for him or 3) was running late to work as usual. I have a feeling it is somewhere between 2 and 3.

He recieved mt first letter yesterday. Two more to go.

Sometimes it is something like a sunrise to make everything feel a bit better in the world.

Last night I wrote Bjorn a letter asking him to move to Wichita for the summer. I'm not sure how well I really wrote out my case for the move but hopefully it was enough and if not the worse he can say is 'no' and then at least I'll know where I stand and can decided from there my next move. It's not easy this waiting. I hate it. But, I also love him and miss him so much. I have been sleepwalking for months now and I need it to end in some way or another. It's so hard to be without him. I can't really remember what it was like before anymore in some ways.

I am in the valley, down low and so lonely.

And, when I say that I just feel like I sound sorry for myself as there is really no reason to feel sorry for myself. I am a selfish and greedy person at times. I always want more and more. I drain myself and than I want to drain him till we are both empty. So, maybe I have succeeded. He's being distant and now I am trying to be patient and it is hard. I need answers and none are being provided. I know we're both going to be OK in the end no matter which way we decided, but I want us to decided to stay and keep trying, but maybe it's too late. But, whenever I say that to myself I don't feel like it is over that we are far from being over. There is something that we still have to do yet. I can't bare to think of my life without him and now I can't remember what my life was like before him. Where was I going? What was it I was going to do next year?

I want to scream pick me! Please, pick me!!!

Because no one has ever picked me, and really before I didn't care. I got over and forgot most of my lovers, but this one I just can't seem to let go of, and why is that? Why can't I?

Yesterday, Melissa told me I should go to China and teach. And, it is one of my dreams? To go overseas, to see what else is out there besides me and this place. But, how do I leave he one man (OK, he's not quite a man but I see what he'll be one day) to go and see the world. What if Sid never forgives me? What if he grows up to hate me because I had to follow my bliss? Even if it meant that he too could get to see some new things and maybe that is really the best gift I could give him, to see those things.

The icing on the cake was that yesterday Ike sent me a text message telling me he misses me every single day and when would Sid and I be moving up. It was sweet and shocking, since part of mine and Bjorn's issues have to do with Sid and here Ike is asking about him. Ike always leaves me and now when I am really over him he asks me to come closer? I have thought about going to Portland and I know that he and I will never be what we once were, but he would take care of me and fix shit for me. At this point we are just friends and really it is nice to know that he cares still.

There are many things missing from this post--like how Bjorn's first trip to Wichita went (my mother didn't wear her teeth at dinner and Sid puked), or about my last trip to Madison (He walked a lot, had dinner with his family and adopted family, I got sick, and I cried in his bed and he held me. I stopped in KC to fight with Mara, found myself at a trunk stop writing postcards and letters and almost didn't come home) how I received another wedding invite yesterday. How everyone around me lives are falling apart and how I have no right to be upset or even sad or my own confusion and darkness.

Because this too will pass.

I sort of just want to go a head and let go. It's just too fucking hard to allow myself to go through all of this again. This is the place I get to with men and I'm kind of over and once again maybe I should just accept that I may be alone. That it's all over for me. There is no great love. Really, that's all shit made up in fairy tales.

I can't though. I want to I really do right now, but it seems like I would be short sighting myself from what could be the happiest time of my life.

Fuck.

If that was true would either of us be questioning it this much?

I'm so sad and I can't even cry.

This morning I just suffer in my own silence because I have no idea how to tell him how it hurt when I hung up the phone last night, how sad I felt that neither of us could just let go and be the first to say "I love you." I was being stubborn and a bit pissy because he was tried. I don't know why I do those things. I think more of it comes out of fear than anything else. I'm scared that when he leaves on Sunday that will be the last time I see him and I know I shouldn't worry about these sot of things yet. That at this point anything is still possible. I love him so much and that fact scares me. It's not fair.

I used to have girlfriends that I would turn to on mornings like this when I felt out of sorts to ask for advice. They've all scattered around now so I stuck with a laptop and the internet for some relief.

The problem here is the computer doesn't take back.

I know that bumps are all par for the course and that really I shouldn't worry so much.