I am in the valley, down low and so lonely.

And, when I say that I just feel like I sound sorry for myself as there is really no reason to feel sorry for myself. I am a selfish and greedy person at times. I always want more and more. I drain myself and than I want to drain him till we are both empty. So, maybe I have succeeded. He's being distant and now I am trying to be patient and it is hard. I need answers and none are being provided. I know we're both going to be OK in the end no matter which way we decided, but I want us to decided to stay and keep trying, but maybe it's too late. But, whenever I say that to myself I don't feel like it is over that we are far from being over. There is something that we still have to do yet. I can't bare to think of my life without him and now I can't remember what my life was like before him. Where was I going? What was it I was going to do next year?

I want to scream pick me! Please, pick me!!!

Because no one has ever picked me, and really before I didn't care. I got over and forgot most of my lovers, but this one I just can't seem to let go of, and why is that? Why can't I?

Yesterday, Melissa told me I should go to China and teach. And, it is one of my dreams? To go overseas, to see what else is out there besides me and this place. But, how do I leave he one man (OK, he's not quite a man but I see what he'll be one day) to go and see the world. What if Sid never forgives me? What if he grows up to hate me because I had to follow my bliss? Even if it meant that he too could get to see some new things and maybe that is really the best gift I could give him, to see those things.

The icing on the cake was that yesterday Ike sent me a text message telling me he misses me every single day and when would Sid and I be moving up. It was sweet and shocking, since part of mine and Bjorn's issues have to do with Sid and here Ike is asking about him. Ike always leaves me and now when I am really over him he asks me to come closer? I have thought about going to Portland and I know that he and I will never be what we once were, but he would take care of me and fix shit for me. At this point we are just friends and really it is nice to know that he cares still.

There are many things missing from this post--like how Bjorn's first trip to Wichita went (my mother didn't wear her teeth at dinner and Sid puked), or about my last trip to Madison (He walked a lot, had dinner with his family and adopted family, I got sick, and I cried in his bed and he held me. I stopped in KC to fight with Mara, found myself at a trunk stop writing postcards and letters and almost didn't come home) how I received another wedding invite yesterday. How everyone around me lives are falling apart and how I have no right to be upset or even sad or my own confusion and darkness.

Because this too will pass.