I wish I could say that I felt better today, but I don't.

For a moment I did sort of feel better at the market for some reason while I was talking to the cashier, but it passed as soon as I got back out to my car.

I keep thinking maybe I just made it all up in my head. All those feelings I felt were just me being so lonely I just assumed that he felt them too and really none of the past three months happened. But, then I reread an old email and I remember something I forgotten before, the way he moves his head sometimes, or the way he put his arms around my shoulder when I was driving him around the down and out places I lived in as a child. All the fucking things I've told him. I shouldn't have let him in so much. I should have just kept all my secrets to myself. Never told him I fell for him.

Those aren't things I share with just my 'friends.'

If he isn't sure how he loves me than why did it bother him the couple of times I signed my emails 'love ya' instead of 'I love you?'

I feel like I've been tricked-- Here fall for me, and once I have you on the hook I'm going to go ahead and tell you that maybe I love you only like a friend. Once you've taken your guard down lower than it has been in so long you can't remember, I'm going to tell you that I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you, even though I have told you I was in love with you, remember I said it in Iowa, and I kept reminding you that I love you every time you felt scared....

FUCK.

I'm really trying to understand. I really am, but I just don't.

All those times he told me he loved me he didn't mean it the same way I did? He didn't really feel the same way I did when we were in each others arms talking about how being that close together sort of felt like home?

I tell my friends I love them and they tell me but it always sounds different. It has a different tone to it.

I wish I could just let it go, I keep trying. I wish I could shut the door to all this confusion and just walk away. Why can't I? I have before. I wasn't at all upset when the drunk lover left, and when Nathan and I broke up, I allowed him to walk out the door. I was upset when he left, I'll even admit to being hurt, but it was mainly because I was being rejected for being myself and not for having a child. Which hurts about 1000 times worse. But, at some point with Nathan I realized that I was better off without him and got over it. I was more upset about being alone than losing him and that is not at all the case here with Bjorn.

I just feel so stupid. And so sad and confused and no one seems to be to help so I keep trying to just pray and offer it up. To just keep living for just right now and than something will remind me of him and I start to cry all over again.


I started crying a little bit ago in front of my mom and Sid when they were talking about how badly they acted at dinner that night, and when I told them how much it bothered me not just that night but also tonight, my mom told me to 'shut-up' and hope that one day I find a man who knows what he wants.

I thought he did.

At least enough to know that he loved me.

It's not the first time I was wrong.

I'm sure it won't be the last.

I feel bad whining so much about this when everyone around me is going through real pain. I have no right to be so selfish.

I'm just one person.

I've been having so many odd dreams. The other night I dreamt I was in jail for six years but for something that was really small and petty. That dream was followed by some very sexual dreams that I can't really remember now but they felt very very real at the time.

I had the oddest dream this morning when I was so tired I just couldn't stay awake where I had a beard and I had to shave it and I had no idea how to shave and when I tried I just started crying and when I woke up I was covered in tears. It was so odd. I cry a lot. I cry over sad commercials and sad poems. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and I cry when I see my friends hurt. With two lovers I have cried during sex, with one more than the other, but I have never woke up crying.

I received an email from a friend whose wedding I am going to in a couple of weeks asking if I wanted to be seated by a single guy or if I would be bring a date. That made me cry. I know she meant well though. My office mate called to tell me she wants to introduce me to some guy she knows from this jazz club. Eric is still pushing the piano player and all of the sudden I'm being stalk by a whole slew of new weirdo's on Okcupid. James Harris wrote me and said it was too bad I wasn't naked the last time he saw me. Something about that didn't feel right since he's engaged now and she's having a baby. I know he was kidding but it still bothers me.

Isn't that always the way it goes?

Craig sent me a nice text message today. I really miss him. We're having a hard time maintaining our friendship since he moved. But, I know it would be like this so I'm OK with that fact. I know that his door is always open to me coming and visiting him wherever he is and that it will be like he never left. But, I really wish he was still here. He did tell me that he's not writing well either and blamed it all on the weather so that was funny and nice to hear.

Albert wants to see my thesis. I'm not sure why I'm so worried about it but I am. It's only half way done and the last half is coming so slow.

I'm going to drink a glass of wine now and try not to cry myself to sleep tonight.