I'm over all the games. Today, I thought about taking down my myspace and my okcupid profiles just so I could close the door all the way.

But, I'm not ready to do that yet.

When I think about taking down his pictures and packing up the things I have from him I can't even think about it.

I threw up earlier while I was writing a letter to him.

What the fuck?

I've been shaky and a tad bit crazy when I've been going through heartache. I'll sleep and withdrawal but I have never ever throw up. Even now as I write this I feel unreal.

I have been thinking about the times we have spent together. The weekend in Iowa, our first kiss, that long walk, all the talking, that sunset, how hard it was to say goodbye, how when I flew to Madison and we spent most of the weekend in because it was so cold, meeting his parents, how hard it was to leave again, his visit here and how we both felt sick when he left, my last visit there and how close I felt to him. I can't believe that it was just me that felt all those feelings, all that strong emotion.

I've been in one sided things before. I was in a one sided relationship with Ian for over a year. This never ever felt that way. I always thought we were in it together and now he thinks that he may only love me as a 'friend.' I'm so confused. I just don't understand that at all. I've tried to wrap my head around it all day.

I understand that he's not ready for my child. I can make sense of that in some ways. I have never asked him to be anything to Sid though. I thought in time if we were really right for one another they would build they're own relationship. If I were him I would be scared too. But, I know that I would never walk away from someone I loved if the only thing I was unsure of was a child. I would try and make it work.

What kills me even more about the 'child' issue is that it's never been an issue before. Even with Ian, when Sid was at his worst and he had to view and be by my side during all the real crap Sid was never the reason he left me. And, when I talk to Casey, Joe, and Jackson about it, the three guys who would probably be the first to jump at the thought is being with someone with a kid, they shake they're heads and say "What the fuck. He should have thought about all this before and what's the problem with Sid, you're not asking him to be his dad, etc..." And, that makes this all the more confusing and hard. I guess Jackson understands since he did date that woman who had the eight year old girl for a long time. He told me he left her because he wanted her to move here and she wouldn't. That makes sense.

And, I understand how it would seem scary to move to Wichita to be closer to me since he's never done that before. I've never asked anyone to do that before. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I had to ask. I didn't know what else to do. I still don't.

But, that's me. That's how I roll. I fight for what I believe in because I believe in so little anymore.

I know just how precious love really is, how it doesn't happen very often.

On top of this Pat and Melissa, and I have decided that it's time for me to tell Sid that I may have to go overseas for work and that he may have to stay here.

So, I'm not only maybe losing the man who helped me to believe in love again, but I'll probably be leaving the only child I'll ever had just so I can pay off grad school. I know that he'll be able to come and visit me but I won't have his smiling face everyday in my life in the same way. He's the reason I'm still alive. So many days I think about just letting go and than I remember that Sid is there and he needs me still.

He just came home and told me about his new friend he meet at the comic book store. A 25 year old game designer. They talked for hours. He's such a good kid. I'm glad that others can see how great he is and that he and his dad are starting to get along better. It has been a lot easier since Pat started to pick up a bit of the slack again. Hopefully it lasts.

He can always tell I've when I've been crying. When I told him why, he just hugged me and said, "I'm sorry Mama, I really liked Bjorn."

What do I say to that?

Life's funny sometimes.

Sometimes you walk through rain to the market and feel so alone and then out of no where a smiling face shows up and wraps his arms around you and tells everything is going to be OK and for just a moment you almost believe.

Now, I'm getting ready to drink myself to sleep.

I don't know what else to do.

I have to take my car to the shop and spend $500 out of my summer savings to fix it and tomorrow I have to go to SRS and fight again for health insurance, and then I have class, and Albert now wants to see my thesis and it all fucking sucks and I and he both know that, and I have all these papers to grade and that gig is up. My students know I have no idea what I'm really doing, and I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this mess.