I know that in the end it all comes down to Sid. I've been thinking about this fact all day. He knows he's a great kid, which he is, but isn't ready to take on that aspect of my life. I understand that in some ways and don't in others. I think this is mainly because I've never been rejected because of my child. It's never been an issue so I'm not sure what to do.

He hasn't spent any time around Sid, but the one time he did Sid acted like a jackass. Brandy and Melissa keep telling me that this is where the problem started, but I don't think so I think that maybe it started before then.

Brandy thinks that all men are jealous of a women's children. Which sounds like about the silliest think I've ever heard.

I know that he's confused and scared of having to take on some sort of role in Sid's life, and while I don't understand that in some ways I'm trying too. Sid has a father though, so I'm not sure what role he thinks he has to take on besides that of being a friend. I think he thinks that at some point he's have to tell Sid what to do or deal with him in that way and doesn't feel ready for that task. I don't know how to tell him anymore than I already have that it won't happen overnight. These things take time. I feel like he's made it a much bigger issue than it really is, and than I feel bad for thinking that way because I have no right to judge how he feels.

Sometimes it feels like he isn't even willing to try and what do I say to that? Really is there anything I can say to that? It makes me fell a bit angry as I sort of feel he should have worked this worked this out before we meet. He always knew I had a child. It wasn't like I surprised him when we meet or anything. Ahhh.....

Once, he told me he knew he would love Sid. I shouldn't have believed that statement. I should have taken it as just the way people talk when they're first falling in love or something. I thought it was OK that I had Sid since he said he wanted children. I wish I hadn't trusted those statements the way I did.

I don't know. Most of my older girlfriends think I should just pack it in, but it just doesn't seem that easy and when I think about it I feel like I'm going to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling all around.

The last few days things have seem to have gotten a little bit better, like we're both trying to work things out just a little more, but we still don't have any plans to see each other again, so really everything is still up in the air. I should be talking to him about all this and not writing about it but I'm afraid to put any more pressure on him. I'm scared of what he'll say and I also know that I can't make him be ready or change his mind. He has to do those things on his own. In my silliest moments I want to think that the fact that we love each other so much that we can make it work.

Right now I just feel really really cheated by fate.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Whenever I start to think about it I just want to cry, my stomach gets all knotted up.

I miss the sound of his voice, and his fingers on my ears, and the way it feels to lay next to him, and talking to him about nothing, and holding his hand, and talking to him in the dark. I miss him. I wish I didn't miss him, but I do.

Maybe with time it will just pass.

I'm a broke record who can't have her cake and eat it too.

In other news,

Sid has been a great mood lately. All his grades have gone up. He wakes up happy and smiling. He doesn't give me too hard of a time except about getting off the computer and and washing his face. I think I'm going to make some sort of flow sheet to help him keep track of some things like computer time and practicing his piano.

I was going to go to Lawrence this weekend and see Eric but I feel like I have too many papers to grade and I'm just not in the mood to go to far from home right now. Plus, I have so many papers to grade.

I am going to go to my high school friend Heather's bachorlette party on Saturday though. I wasn't going to but we're going to be riding in a limo and I've never ridden in a limo. I know how silly that sounds but it may be my only chance to do so.

Last night, Joe was the only one who came over for family dinner. I was drunk before 9 and we sat on the couch talking about his life. I gave him some advice that seemed so simple and easy. When I asked for some back he reminded me that my life isn't that easy or black or white, but told me that he thought Sid was a great kid and he hopes to always be in our life in some way. He also joked with me about how it was sad that we never felt gushy for each other, as our lives would be a lot easier if we had. We joked about our one of our two dates and how they were both so awkward . It was sweet, and he's right. We're not right for each other or we would have already been together. He's a good friend to the two of us though.

I was asked to be in another art show but I can't find any pictures of my work to show them which they need to really decide. I'm not sure if I even have any want to make any new art right now but I guess it is something I could do over the summer.

When was the last time I really laugh?

I wish I could remember.

I may go out tonight. It's my friend Jared's birthday, but I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to be around anyone other than myself. I don't have to work tomorrow though. I don't know. I need to get out of this funk. Start writing again.

God, I wish I could just write a few lines.

Then at least I would feel like I was doing something worth wild beside grading papers.

I wish I could eat without getting sick.

What the hell is wrong with me?