I should be out looking for a better gift for the party I'm going to tonight, but instead I'm at home trying to decide what to wear tonight. Maybe I won't buy another gift. What's wrong with a yellow vintage nightie. I was taught to appreciate the person who gives you the gift and not the gift.

I guess I feel a bit bad too because I splurged on myself and order a new dress online just now, but it's to wear to her wedding! I guess I feel bad too because, I know how broke I am and I shouldn't really be buying myself a brand new dress, but I haven't bought myself a brand new dress in so long! Something like a year at least. OK, I'm not going to dwell on this. It's OK to do nice things for just me sometimes.

And, I'll find a job somewhere this summer and will be able to pay off my credit card for the car repairs and everything money wise will be fine.

I have to quit smoking again on Monday and start taking something for my depression. There is no real reason as to I have a bottle of 5 htp and St. Johns Wort. I may be out of Kava Kava, but I don't think that it really works as well as the other two for me.

I hate inaction and it's time to do something.

The last time I felt really happy was right before my birthday. Spring sometimes does this to me. I remember feeling a little blue last year right around this time when I was writing songs with Allison (who I should have went and saw last night) maybe it has something to do with the weather changing?

But, things were a bit better in March though. I wasn't smoking and I was trying to walk at least a couple times a week. I was feeling a little better mentally and physically. I had no idea what I was going to do but it felt OK because things felt like they were going to be OK. Like everything was heading the on a path where things would work out in the right way.


I had some faith and belief that things were going to still work out with Bjorn and I in some way or another, we were still having more positive interactions then negative ones, I have all these emails from him saying he misses me and loves me, now we're in what I fear a sort of emotional deficient and I think there's one two ways to fix it either break it off, or see each other again and see if any of what we felt three months ago is still there. Everyday I feel myself care a little less.

I was thinking about how when Nathan and I were breaking up I gave him four days to decide what he wanted to do because he asked for some time to work it out in his head. When he drove here to tell me his choice I felt relieved in some ways. I'm not sure why I have been so patient with Bjorn, but every time I think of cutting him out of my life I start of to feel sick to my stomach. I haven't really been able to keep any food down. I thought today that I would start slowly taking the things I have from him, one item at a time and put them away in the suitcase and when I tried to put a letter in there I started to cry.

It's not fair. This is not who I am. I'm stronger than this. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is he under my skin so deep. I've reread all our emails a dozen times now trying to understand how this all happened. Why this happened. Why can't I just pack it fucking in alrealdy?

Is this what love is?

I do love him. There's no way around that. I wish there was.

I have to start making things feel better again. Or at least be able to keep my food down and not burst into tears all the time.


Last, night, late when I was sleeping, Jacks jumped off the bed and started barking and growling. He doesn't usually growl. I started for the kitchen just as the back door slammed. The locks are broke and I called someone to come and fix them but they never showed up. I should have called the cops but I was so scared I just crawled into my bed and started to cry till I fell back to sleep.

It's 2:30 and no one has called me yet to tell me where I should meet everyone tonight for the party. Maybe they won't call and I won't have to go. Part of me secretly hopes that they don't. Maybe I gave them the wrong phone number. If they don't call by 4:00 I'll just plan on staying home alone again tonight. There are worse things I could do really.