I was about three or four, but not old enough to be in school. It was a warm day. The sun was out. My mother was very very upset with me but I can't remember why or what I did to make her so mad, she was screaming at me and I was screaming out the window that I wanted my 'daddy' over and over again. My mother screamed at me something like he's never coming back and walked out the house and left me there. She was gone for hours. It was dark and I went to sleep. The next day she was home again, and didn't say anything about where she had gone. I've always wondered why she came home. The next years I spent more time with baby sitters than her, or maybe I already was spending more time at the sitter's house by then. I can't really remember.
How do you let go of the trauma from your childhood?
Is this why I have abandonment issues?
How do you not let it affect your day to day life and the way you deal with not only yourself but also those you love?
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The rest of my day hasn't been anything worth noting. I slept in because I had a pretty bad migraine. It started as I tried to fall asleep and kept me up have the night. I finally crawled out of bed around 11:30. Spent the morning with Sid, took a bath, got dressed, ran a few errands, and went to workshop, which wasn't too painful. I received some decent comments on my poem. Came home and had dinner with Sid. I ate too much, but what's new? I was asked to guest host open mike on Wednesday at Blank Page, and was invited to see a band on Thursday night at Rack 'EM Up. I may go to that. Who knows? I probably should start going out a little more, but I also haven't finished grading all these papers. I do have five hours of office hours still this week.
Maybe tomorrow Micheal will ask me to teach poetry workshop again. that would be cool. I would really like it.
I found out that my collage work was accepted for the show in November at Blank Page about ten minutes ago.
I feel a little better emotionally today. I don't feel any worse.
I did say that I was sorry in class for only bringing begals because I had forgotten and wasn't doing that well the last few days. No one batted an eye.
Brandy just called, she was the one and only person who was in the least bit upset about my apartment being invaded on Friday and wants to change the locks for me but the maintaince man came and fixed it this morning. She also told me I should probably pack it in. I told her I had felt the same about her and Kevin and she used the time argument for their relationship, but what does time have to do with it really? If you feel strongly about someone time probably has nothing to do with it.
Maybe James is right. Maybe I am only good to date for three months.
I can't let myself believe that though. I'm just so fucking insecure, and now I don't trust him as much as I once did. Which hurts a lot because for a while I trusted him more than I had trusted anyone for so long. I guess we're even now since he doesn't think I'm as strong as he once did so I guess we're even.
We just made a deal to not email serious things after midnight or make unexpected phone calls. I'm glad that I made a suggestion of something I needed and he did too. At least we're explaining what we both need a little clearer. It's been almost two weeks since we've spoken on the phone anyway.
He's being fairly passive again. I've asked him to explain some thing to me and I get no response. I ask him to help me understand where he's at, and he never replies.
I have wondered a lot lately if I wouldn't have been invested in this if we had never daydreamed together about having a future together. I've never done that with anyone including my ex-husband (one day we just got married). I shouldn't have put any stock in those long talks.
They were just like all the times Ian told me he loved me when he was drunk and the next day would say he never said that or that he may have said it but he didn't mean it.
I never do that though. I only say what I really truly mean. I know how bad it hurts when someone doesn't. When someones says something and later takes it back. It hurts so bad.
I know that we need for some things to lighten up a little bit, but I also need to know if I should be moving on to whoever else is out there.
It breaks my heart to even think that way though. It makes my stomach chrun. It's like giving up, and I just don't feel ready to give up yet. It's like Taylor and I say "We're not ready yet." when we're still hanging on to things. She reminded me today that everyone goes through rough spots and it's up to me to decide how much I will or will not take.
Can I take much more?
I don't know.
My dream last night--
I had some strange dreams last night when I did sleep. All I remember is that I was given a diamond ring and it was too big for my ring finger so I had to wear it on my middle finger (which in voo doo it is believed to have a vein that runs from the finger to the heart), but it was a little too big for that finger too. I kept trying not to lose it. It was gold and the diamond was huge and stuck up high from the top. What I can't remember is if he got on one knee or two when he gave it to me.
