Last night was fun and sort of surreal. I think I want to write a piece on bachelorette parties. I've been to three in the last year and they were all so strange to me. But, maybe that's just me? I don't know I think I may be onto something though. I'm not so sure why limos are fun except that you don't have to worry about whose drinking and who will do the driving. We went to a dance club on the west side and I danced for the first time in years. I'm just never comfortable in my own skin and I've never been one to dance to show off for men. But, for a few moments last night I closed my eyes and moved around a little and it was nice. I guess.

I have another idea for my second non-fiction piece that is more memory based on my own life but I'm not even sure where I should start that one yet.

I found out today that I need ten pieces for the art show in November. I haven't done any collage work in a while but have a few ideas for some things. I have been gathering materials and thinking about some boxes I would like to create.

I went and had coffee with James hoping to talk for a little bit, but he just wanted to borrow some money for rent and than explained that most people don't want to hear about what's going on in your head, that I am the sort of woman that's probably good to date for three months and not much longer (which was about the oddest thing James has ever said to me and I have wondered all day what his motives were for saying that exactly), and that there has been a lot of talk lately about how 'hot' I am now (compared to how ugly I was at some point?). He told me it was all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room, that was what all men want (I guess it's too late for that for me). They want the women they are with to be stronger than they are because all men are really weak at the core. (Was he trying to make me feel better?)

I almost laughed out loud at that because he has no real idea all the pain I've had to live through. I've never thought of myself as 'crazy' though. In fact, I'm think I'm pretty sane. I may be depressed at the moment. I may be struggling through some things both internal and external but I'm not insane by any means. And, I am not weak. I may have caved and started smoking again, but that does not in any way make me not any more worth wild than I was a few weeks ago. And, I will stop smoking again. And, I may slip again. It's not easy. When I'm freaking out smoking, sadly, helps me to clam down and think because there is a ritual within that act. When you light a cigarette you remove yourself from the moment for a brief period. This becomes like a defensive mechanism. One that I've used for so long now and when I quit the last time, while I had a lot of emotional support and love through it, I didn't have a plan as to what I would do if a moment came up where I was stressed out. I have a plan now, of sorts, anyway and now that I have quit again, I will have to try and apply it. There will always be moments when I'm stressed out and I will have to learn to handle those times. There will always be times when someone hurts me in some way and I will have to learn to not smoke to get through those moments. I don't like being addicted to smoking, because I have always hated it when I have watched my love ones struggle with their own addictions. I understand how hard it is to stop though. I don't criticized them if they slip. I try to just love them through it and hold their hands and praise them when they conquer. I try and remind them that they can do it without making them feel bad about themselves because they probably feel pretty awful already.

One thing I was thinking I should do is when I want a cup of coffee and don't want to go to Panera I should go to the Perk now instead of the Vagabond since they just went non-smoking. At least for a while. I don't know anyone who hangs out there anymore but maybe I'll meet some new people. I wish Wichita would just go smoke-free already. It would be better for everyone.

Mo told me if I had been wearing something sexier he would have taken my picture. I didn't tell him how I hate to have my picture my taken. And, what the flower prairie dress I found in my closet with the DAV tag still on it, isn't sexy? Who is he to decided what is sexy and what is not. I guess his comments got under my skin a little bit because I felt attractive today. My hair looked great and my bangs are finally at a nice length.

I've told five people that my apartment was invaded on Friday night, and no one has seemed in the least bit concerned. I'm not sure why I told anyone about it. I'm glad I'm not dead. But, it doesn't look like anyone would have noticed anyway.

Happiness is fleeting, but then so is sadness.

I tried to take a nap while Sid played outside with his friends. Jack barked the whole time and the kids ran in and out. It was sort of funny. When I got up I made some dinner and Krammer came by to chat. We talked a lot about her latest mess with Kelly, and she gave me some homeopathic pain pills for my shoulders. It was nice to see her but I wish she would stop getting so involved with those people we both know who are doing such hard drugs. I hate having to be so tough with her about it but I don't think anyone else is really.

She was a tad bit shocked when I told her that I don't believe in soul mates, or true love, or falling in love.

I do believe in real love.

Real love takes work and time.

I tend to make wishes. A lot of them. It seems so silly sometimes. Today, I haven't made one. I've been making the same wish for months now. I think of wishes like short prayers. Maybe I'll say more about that tomorrow. I don't think I would make wished but sometimes they do come true.

Tomorrow, I have to start getting somethings in order. I have to make a list:

I need to fill out my FASA, grade papers, pick up a snack for class, print the poems for class, give Albert what I do have for mt thesis, find out when the fellowship app is due, see if I can download the drivers again for the dvd burner for this laptop, go to the gym, call and check my bank and credit card balances, and look at the job at Wesley that Krammer told me about for summer,call about the library tour for my students, and go to class. I don't have to prepare for class tomorrow at least.

Ok, now that I have that all down. I think I can go to sleep. I'm going to start taking 5-HTP again and see if that helps to perk up my mood. Can't hurt it any.