My second memory--
I was in the babysitters backyard playing by myself. I can't remember her name now. Peggy? Pam? I can still point to the house on Water st. though. It was dusk. The sun was setting and I was wandering around. I know there were no toys because I never played with toys as a child. I had a lot of them but I never played with them. A man came out to the yard from a side door. The house was a duplex. It was the color of pumpkins. I used to call it the pumpkin house. There was a white car, four doors, the back passenger's door was open. He gave me a white peppermint lifesaver and lulled me into the car. I remember that he had dark skin, long black hair and was wearing a white t-shirt and cut off jean shorts that were so short his balls were hanging out. I don't remember anything else.
A few days, weeks (?) later I must have told my mother. From this I remember a long white hallway and her holding my hand for the last time (she really never held my hand after that). Later, driving over to that house. Police being there. My mother yelling at him as he drove up in a van without windows. He was shirtless and wore a straw hat. The police told my mother to be quiet or she would go to jail. I waited in the car. I didn't understand why she was screaming at him or what was wrong really. When she came back she started the car and sped away the four blocks to our house. His girlfriend was a beatiful Native American woman. She lived in the apartment. She had long dark shiney hair that went all the way down her back. Sometimes she would be nice to me when I was shut out of the house. She was screaming too. She was crying as much as my mom.
I was not crying. I would not cry about this for many years later after the flashbacks started.
I never went back to that house.
I did though walked by it almost everyday on my way to school when we still lived in that neighborhood . My friend Joey once, when we were 8 or 9 told me that someday he would blow it up. I've mentioned it in one poem and it may appear in another and I showed it to Bjorn when he came and visited.
I don't think I'll ever need to go by it again.
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My dreams last night--
I don't remember much except that I was on a bed that was too short and whoever I was with somehow made it longer so our feet wouldn't hang over. He wanted to have sex, but I didn't so he left me. The next things I remember was that I was at a laundry mat talking with my sister's boyfriend about my break-up and crying and he was wearing an eye patch. He gave me an old red truck that was missing it's doors and I was having a hard time driving it for a while. Then I parked it and sat on a cliff and when I came back it had doors again and was newer. It was a very strange dream.
I didn't sleep well again last night. It may have been because I was a bit tipsy when I went to sleep, or my insomnia is coming back as that was the second night in a row that I haven't been able to fall asleep. I've noticed that I am once again sleeping in the middle of the bed, trying to take up as much room as possible and rolling myself tight in the blankets.
If no one can hold me, I will hold myself.
My classes today were just awful. Beyond awful almost. No one was prepared to workshop for Thursday and only half my first class came. My second class was even worse as the two who were suppose to workshop today didn't even show up, but the two who will workshop on Thursday did show up so we'll have their papers to work on and I think I'll give a quiz too. Just because they need one.
I once again have a headache.
I'm going to have to find a job for summer after all because I don't think I'll make it on what I have saved. Anne is looking for a job and she may be able to have me sit her boys while she works and that would be a win/win for both of us. I only need to make around $200 a month to be comfortable. It's not that big of a deal I was just looking forward to not working and looking for a job raises my anxiety levels to a pretty high state. Plus, I know that most places would rather not hire only summer employees as it costs so much to train people to have them quit. I did see one decent job that was summer only at school today that I should look at more tomorrow during my office hours.
What happened to the days when all I had was pancake mix and I was happy. I guess if I didn't need to do some work on my car and pay for some things for Sid it wouldn't seem so bleak.
I think something that is bothering me today is that I have told a few people that I'm pretty depressed and not one of them has called to see if I'm doing any better. I try and reach out to my loved ones when I know they're hurting and sad, maybe this is why so many think I can just get through this tough time on my own. And, really I will. So, I shouldn't dwell on it too much.
While Sid was at piano lessons I was sitting outside in the rain because it smelled nice and although it was cold it felt good when my friend Jared Parsons walked by. He sat down and talked with me for a while and out of nowhere he placed his hand on my leg and just sat there like that for a second and then leaned over gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he had to run. What was that? He is so weird. I get the kiss on the cheek sort of, it's the hand rubbing my thigh I don't understand. A long time ago he asked me to meet him at this show and than didn't talk to me the whole time, which was fine it was a great show and I had a blast. I just don't get what he was doing today.
Joe is on his way over for dinner because I have to host open mike tomorrow. He and his girlfriend broke up and he wants to talk about it some more.
I have all these papers to finish grading still tonight too and I should try and write something and maybe read for an hour.
Do the things that give me some pleasure. Maybe take the dog for a walk too.
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Joe just left. We had fun eating dinner and watching some of American Idol and looking at Allmusic.com, which he has a listing on for an album he played on with the Chicken Hawks.We talked about why he and Alex broke up and I guess my feelings were right that she was lying to him about some things. I wish I hadn't been. I wish she had been telling the truth. He asked if I wanted to go to Des Monies with him next Friday. I can't remember which band he said wants him to play with them for a few days on tour. I almost said sure, but something about it just didn't quite feel right. We listened to a couple new mixes I've put together this week and laughed at the kids because they were all so excited about having some ice cream. He told me that I was really good with kids. It was about the nicest compliment any one's said to me in weeks.
Sid's still looking for his lost retainer. I'm hoping we find it soon. He feels so bad about it. I wish I could make him feel better but, I know he won't unless we find it since he won't be getting any allowance for five months if we have to buy him a new one.
I finished grading my second classes papers and most of them did fairly well, which made me feel a little better about my teaching skills. Some of them still need some work, but I think they'll get it by the end of semester if they keep trying.
I wish I could get rid of this headache.
I thought for a minute about trying to make up with Kyle. He sent me an invite to be his friend on this Goodread website but he may have sent it out to all of his friends in his address book. I miss having someone to go to the recycling center on Saturdays with, but now maybe too much time has passed, and it would be just too awkward? I don't know.
I miss Mara too, but I don't know what to say to her either.
If nothing else I think the next time something gets heated between me and a good or decent friend I should just for a moment to calm down. Even though I am usually right, I don't think I state my opinion in way others can handle. Maybe I need to become more feminine or something?
Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get my chap book together to send out to a contest. I can't afford the entry fee, but I think I can have EGSA reimburse me for it.
I filled out my FASA today too so today hasn't been a complete waste.
I have been taking too many of those silly quizzes on OKcupid. What a huge time waster in some ways and what a great way to get out on my head in others.
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On a final note we did find Sid's retainer.
Sometimes small miracles do happen.
