No memory or dreams today as this should be a short post before bed, so maybe I can sleep tonight a little bit.

I will say that I think in the end this memory project I am doing will help me in some way. What that way is yet I am not sure. I think it may have to do with the fact instead of hiding from my past the same I passively do I am not looking at it and examining it in a new light. Maybe that will only make sense to me, but that is fine because it is for me.

Today, Bjorn sent me an email telling that I am extreme at times. I have never thought of myself that way before and I thought about it for quite a while. I then had a nice talk with Bill Hawks, who explained to me that I am not really extreme as emotional and I react sometimes strongly, but I am a woman and not a robot. He said I should always do what I feel is right as log as I am not abusing anyone in the process. He said if I am upset and want to delete my profiles or change my mood status that is my right, because I am only hurting myself.

OK, so I do react sometimes when I shouldn't. I know I do. I'm not perfect and I am only human I can only really take so much before I burst. I know that sometimes I should just take a step back and calm down before I open my mouth or put a word down on paper, but sometimes I can't I have to say something right then.

Bill also said some things to me that have lingered with me most of the day and I haven't quite made sense of yet. He reminded me that because my father left me at such a young age that perhaps I still think that all men are either going to hurt me or abuse me, so I will try and make them leave in some way or another even if I do it subconsciously.

I am insecure. I hate to think it's because my father left me that is why I am this way, but I'm sure it it is no matter how much I want to admit it there is probably some truth in that. I'm insecure because my mother didn't really care for me because she had to work all the time and when she wasn't at work she was drunk and screaming about how she never wanted kids to begin with and I forgave her for some of that but it still affects the way I deal with people, and she left me with people who also didn't care about me. Three men abused me before for I was ten and then I was raped when I was 14. I've struggled my whole life to feel worth wild when so may told me I wasn't.



So, I will go ahead and take half the blame for the bad moments and possible failure of my most recent relationship. I tend to think I'm not good enough and need to be reassure a lot, because I do know as a child I never receive enough of that. I was taken advantage of and used. But, after a while I was starting to feel assured. He helped me to trust him in some very small and sweet ways, but then he didn't talk to me about how he truly felt, and that triggered something right at the same moment I was beginning to become very depressed. I have been asking for answers and for some sort of resolution. I did my best to be calm and patient for as long as I could be and than I freaked out and changed some things around on my stupid online profiles and so fourth. I am not perfect and while I am strong in a lot of areas my heart is very weak at times. Especially if I really love someone.

He doesn't tell me that he loves me anymore, that he's hanging onto our friendship.

That hurts. It hurts so much.

I expected to be hurt in this at some point. People hurt those they love even if they don't always mean too. I try very very hard to not hurt or to minimize it if at all possible.


And, he wonders why I act extreme. He told me he was in love with me, so I let him into places that I don't let anyone into. I feel stupid. Like I've fallen for some bad joke. I should have never let him in so far and I don't think I'll do it again. It cause me to become too close.

I don't want to really talk to anyone about it because I know what the responses I'll get. I will be half I told you so and half I'm sorry I really liked him, you were so happy, I thought it would work out.

Love is scared to me. I don't do it easily or lightly.

I will also take the blame for my depression. I felt it coming on and I wasn't keeping up on my supplements that really do make a difference. After just a few days on 5 HTP and I am feeling much better. I have to be responsible for that part of my mental health.

So, yeah maybe I'm a bit emotional at times. Maybe I'm even extreme, but I am suffering.



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As I close for the night two things that Thich Nhat Hanh reminded me of today as I read some of his words:

in true love there is no room for pride. If you are suffering, every time you are suffering you must go to the person in question and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. It you think your love for this person is true love, you must overcome your pride, you must always go to him or her.

(Isn't this what I was doing at time without always good results)

and,

By listening and calm understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person.

Am I not listening enough to those who I love.

Tomorrow I will listen closely to my love ones and hopefully in turn they listen to me, but if they do not I will not let it affect me too much.