Tired.

I'm so tried today. I slept last night but today I have just felt really really tired. I even look tried. I have been trying to get back on my sleep schedule so maybe once I'm back on top of that I'll feel a lot better.

Today, has been decent. I taught two classes, had lunch in my office, and while I was doing that was asked at the last minute to fill in for the poetry workshop instructor. I didn't have any time to prepare so I had to go in cold, but I think I did a pretty decent job. It's was a bit odd to teach a 400 level class when there were a few people that were older than I am in the room. I could tell one guy wasn't sure what to think but I think by the end of the class he had warmed up a little bit. It was also funny how much they complained about Hathaway. I know it's wrong but it made me feel a little better about my own run-ins with her over the years. I also realized again what sort of teacher I want to be and I hope that one day I will be. I really like student centered learning and I think I should do a bit more research on that soon.

Sid and I had some fun family time tonight. We laid in bed and watched a movie. The movie wasn't really that great but we did laugh a lot and watched Fred try and eat out popcorn. I'm glad we did that together. The other day I was complaining about how he never really wants to spend time with me anymore and how I'm realizing that I missed out sometimes when I felt too busy to 'play' with him. He's growing up so fast. He's walking places be himself now and almost totally taking care of himself, but not quite, but he's getting closer all the time.

I've tried not to dwell too much on anything today, but he's been in my thoughts on and off all day. All the things I wish I could say to him, but how I just don't have the words and even if I did I'm not sure I would allow myself to say them. I'm always insecure that I say too much and now I'm really afraid to say too much, that if I let myself getting any closer than I am already am what will happen? Sometimes I worry I told him too much too soon. Some of the things he knows I've never told anyone in fear that they won't be able to handle it and I'm still not sure why I told him as much as I did and so soon too. I'm afraid I told him I love him too many times.

But, what else was I suppose to do?

I was looking at my day planner today wishing that we had a date on the calendar again. I dreamt last night about being in Iowa with him and felt so sad when I woke up because I'm starting to understand that maybe I'll never seen him again. That now it is a very real possibility and not just me being my weird insecure self. I daydreamed today about being in Iowa next weekend even if it was by myself just for some sort of relief.

I know how dumb that sounds. I feel so numb right now and all the tears I have been holding back all day are coming up to the surface again. I feel silly for missing him so much when he's so confused.

Every time I think about moving on it seems unfair to do so just because he's confused, but when I told my mom that she said I was crazy. But, isn't it? How can I say that I love him and mean it if I just walk away because he's confused? It seems wasteful and hasty, or something.


I don't know.

Maybe she's right.

Or, maybe I'm beginning to sound like a broken record.