In the back yard as we smoked, I listened to the wind chimes and watch Eric swing on the tire swing for just a moment, and there was something so innocent about that moment. The pureness of the chimes as the hit against each other...

Is there relief in giving away that which is most precious to you?

I have wondered about this for a while this evening in the cold on a porch while I smoked and the rain sounded as if it was in stereo. Eric beside me under the sleeping bag from my trunk and a refugee tried to explain to me women's rights how how possibility we would be left less oppressed about Islam. I could not listen to him. How does he know how oppress women really are. It has nothing to do with men and everything to do with being able to control our own sexuality, then with fair division of labor, etc...

My speakers are going out. Slight static from the left one that is becoming annoying as I listen to Altered Statesmen and watch Eric read over the parts of his life that I could not connect the sane way he can because I did not know him then, I only know him now and I am not even sure how much of that statement is really true. He did come out of his shell a bit tonight at Thanksgiving dinner and started to talk more. I think it's hard for some to follow his thought patterns and I have just started to become adjusted to them. Maybe not. Maybe losing hope is the right thing to do.

I just want some peace, a tad bit more happiness, and a lot more love.

In some way I feel like I have the world at my feet. My own personal possibilities are expanding in so many new and interesting places. I can once again only go up from here,

and a few days ago I almost cried because of this sullen fact, because I do not really know what it is I should really be doing and while I am overjoyed at some of my present positions, I am also scared to death of what will happen next. What if I fail? What if PFTM's doesn't work the way I think it will? What if I don't finish my thesis and fail comps? What if Blank turns out to be a big flop? Maybe I shouldn't fill my minds up with such thoughts.

Maybe because last night I cried and cried and in some ways it was such a simple release, so needed, and in some ways so humiliating to be so weak again in front of him. Every time I drop part of my guard I allow him to see a little more of who I really may be and can I do that again? Should I?

So, what if you lose that which is most precious? How do you go on? I've done it before but why and how do I keep finding the strength for such things? Why did God make me so strong in some ways and so weak in others? Is it really a miracle that I survive those dark facts about my childhood without too much damage, or is this why I continue to pick the unattainable?

It's cold and I'm tried. My show opens tomorrow night. My next show may be paintings. I think this and the piano are what I want to start to develop more. My pinkies though may be my downfall. But, we'll just have to wait and see.

I have trust issues. Huge ones. I wish I had gotten over these issues a while ago but alas I have yet to do so. I'm a constant ball of nerves and wish I could just let go and relax and enjoy my life a bit more.

I only recieved a B on my midterm. It's so upsetting, but I should remember that writing on the spot like that just isn't something I'm still not good at even after three years of grad school. After looking at all my mistakes I still wonder why I should even try to pass my comps.