Thankfully, and I think I will pull a B out of the class, I wanted an A but will settle for a B. If I had done better on the midterm I am sure I could have gotten and A but no reason to stress about it now. It's out of my hands and in Goldbarth's. I should have bribe him somehow.
Eric has done a variety of sweet things for me today, besides being supportive while I study. Last night we went to bed super early which I think was good for me and helped my mood today. I woke up in a super better mood and wasn't as stressed about finals as I was yesterday. Eric, not only built me some make shift book shelves but he also took Sid to dinner and to the comic book store and open mike at Blank Page while I took my final. He also took Sid his meds to him this afternoon while I was studying. This is more than any man I have dated has done for me towards Sid since Sean. it's really amazing that he is even willing to do some of the things he does for Sid. Bjorn left me because he didn't feel able to play even a small role in Sid's life and with Eric I have never even brought it up and slowly he has done some small things that have really meant something to me. I don't want to think about it to much but it does relieve me a bit in this area since Eric and Bjorn are the same age, but also reminds me that I shouldn't think about the past so much.
Eric leaves on Friday. I've tried not to think too much about it, but I know that I am really going to miss him. Hopefully that old cliche holds and our hearts do grow fonder. I have a good feeling that we will probably be just fine.
When he does come back though we have to find a way to spend equal time at his place as we do mine. I feel bad that he is always here but sort of frustrated that he is never home. I'm hoping over the break that I can find some free things to help his place seem more honey to not only him but also to me so we will want to spend more time there together.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Whitman and I
are not getting along at all. I don't want to study him and he doesn't want to help me understand him enough to pass my final tomorrow. My last final before comps. I'm tried of being tested.
When Goldbarth return our midterms I almost cried. I thought I had did much better than I had, and when he read the 'best' paper out loud, I felt like I had learned nothing at all over the past four years. I don't even write up to m y own standards. I am not a failure but close. Critical prose is just so beyond my grasp and today, I have been feeling as if so many things are beyond my small pea size brain's grasp. So many thing I know I should know, but do not or have forgotten. Why do I push my self so hard and come up so empty handed?
I am greedy. I want too much. I want to be thin and beautiful, but also intelligent and successful, well-like by my peers, a better house keeper, etc.... But, I also feel burden by these ideas, as if, if I could somehow just except that I am not any of these things I would be able to live in a world of empty idleness, because when I look around and see all these people who really care about so little they seem more at peace with the world than I am. I want change not only for myself but also for the world. Enlightenment on some other level, and see also, how hard to is to obtain.
I've spent most of this day in an awful mood for no reason that I can tell except that perhaps I am feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed by school being done and Eric leaving on Friday so what I thought would be just ten days but has turned into a month now. In some way I am hoping that during it I will be able to do some heavy revising that needs to be done and start studying for comps in a more serious way, but I know that I am going to miss him. I have become accustomed to his being here. To saying good morning and good night to him every day. And, I fret too much on how the distance could affects us and then remember that he will be back for a few days over New Year's, which he is doing for me, because I asked him too.
Eric is sleeping on the lounge next to the windows in the dining room. Sometimes he will open his eyes for just a moment so sweetly and look to me. It is when I love him the most, when he his body is at rest, so quiet, so perfect.
When Goldbarth return our midterms I almost cried. I thought I had did much better than I had, and when he read the 'best' paper out loud, I felt like I had learned nothing at all over the past four years. I don't even write up to m y own standards. I am not a failure but close. Critical prose is just so beyond my grasp and today, I have been feeling as if so many things are beyond my small pea size brain's grasp. So many thing I know I should know, but do not or have forgotten. Why do I push my self so hard and come up so empty handed?
I am greedy. I want too much. I want to be thin and beautiful, but also intelligent and successful, well-like by my peers, a better house keeper, etc.... But, I also feel burden by these ideas, as if, if I could somehow just except that I am not any of these things I would be able to live in a world of empty idleness, because when I look around and see all these people who really care about so little they seem more at peace with the world than I am. I want change not only for myself but also for the world. Enlightenment on some other level, and see also, how hard to is to obtain.
I've spent most of this day in an awful mood for no reason that I can tell except that perhaps I am feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed by school being done and Eric leaving on Friday so what I thought would be just ten days but has turned into a month now. In some way I am hoping that during it I will be able to do some heavy revising that needs to be done and start studying for comps in a more serious way, but I know that I am going to miss him. I have become accustomed to his being here. To saying good morning and good night to him every day. And, I fret too much on how the distance could affects us and then remember that he will be back for a few days over New Year's, which he is doing for me, because I asked him too.
Eric is sleeping on the lounge next to the windows in the dining room. Sometimes he will open his eyes for just a moment so sweetly and look to me. It is when I love him the most, when he his body is at rest, so quiet, so perfect.
What you should know
is it is not listening that we have a problem with, that is only a small part of the problem, it is with understanding. I need you to understand who I am, that through my trails and my own efforts to live through all, I have grown into the person I am today, walking next to you in the snow down the street, begging you to make snow angles and race to the back door.
When you say that you don't want to hear what I am saying--whatever it is--it hurts, because it makes me feel like you don't want to KNOW me on any level other than surface, and there is more to me than just the nice and sweet things.
And, I, too, want to know you. I want you to be able to tell me anything, to feel free to open up to me and know that I will not judge you or shame you, but honor you for these things. That I except you for who you are faults and all, because that is what love is.
When you say that you don't want to hear what I am saying--whatever it is--it hurts, because it makes me feel like you don't want to KNOW me on any level other than surface, and there is more to me than just the nice and sweet things.
And, I, too, want to know you. I want you to be able to tell me anything, to feel free to open up to me and know that I will not judge you or shame you, but honor you for these things. That I except you for who you are faults and all, because that is what love is.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Ok, so his parents don't know he smokes,
how do I feel about this? On one hand, whatever, there are many things my own mother does not know about me. My past dug abuse, etc.... But, on the other hand, why does he hide so many facts about his life from them?
He's going to have to tell his mother something before she comes down here, right? Since we're pretty much living together now. Earlier in the evening he even talked about doing over to get some more of his things that he needs and bringing them here. We've never really discussed any of this and suddenly we're moving my things around to make room for his. How do I feel about this?
I think my apartment is too small. If we're going to 'live' together than we are going to need more space. I'll bring that up after the break or something? A house. Close to campus and Northeast. Three bedrooms so we can have an office of some sort, but more of a room for him to do whatever he needs to do. Four would even be better but I think I'm just dreaming now. But, a front porch is a must, and maybe a back yard for Jack to romp around in.
Today, was better. And, I should remember that last night, he didn't run off like he did the last two times we fought. He stayed put and saw it through. He does listen. Maybe I relaly am not hearing him?
I'm exhaused.
He's going to have to tell his mother something before she comes down here, right? Since we're pretty much living together now. Earlier in the evening he even talked about doing over to get some more of his things that he needs and bringing them here. We've never really discussed any of this and suddenly we're moving my things around to make room for his. How do I feel about this?
I think my apartment is too small. If we're going to 'live' together than we are going to need more space. I'll bring that up after the break or something? A house. Close to campus and Northeast. Three bedrooms so we can have an office of some sort, but more of a room for him to do whatever he needs to do. Four would even be better but I think I'm just dreaming now. But, a front porch is a must, and maybe a back yard for Jack to romp around in.
Today, was better. And, I should remember that last night, he didn't run off like he did the last two times we fought. He stayed put and saw it through. He does listen. Maybe I relaly am not hearing him?
I'm exhaused.
I have yet to go back to bed...
I'm having flashbacks again. Fairly vivid scary ones from four and six. The ones from when I was four are scarier, but the ones from 6 are more vivid then ever before. They shake me and make me feel crazy and out of control. I work so hard to not forget what happen to me as a child, bit to try and not think about them. I like to think I have more control over my thoughts than that, but I don't. They come back when I least expect them too and haunt me like ghosts that have no place to rest their weary bodies so they too may find some peace now.
I think it's from the stress of the many things that are going on in my life. All the adjusting it's taking to being at a new and sullen cross roads of possibilities. Perhaps this is another reason why I am leery of taking comps and finishing my thesis, because it will be a huge chapter in my life has come to a close and I have no real idea what it is exactly I should be doing now. I've never been one for not having a real plan in some way or another and right now I have none. I think this is part of the reason I am not studying or writing as much as I should be.
When it happened I was crying in bed because I just don't feel like I do anything right that is really important. Of course I can go to the market and pick up supplies, but if he can't feel like he can open up to me and trust me than I am doing something wrong? Am I going about things in the wrong? Why the fuck is this so fucking hard all the time? I know that relationships take work, and so I have been trying to open up to him more a little bit at a time, because since Bjorn, I have been scared of letting anyone in too deep in fear of losing again and given up secrets that do not need to be shared if there is no reason for them to be, right?
He is sweet though for telling me that I did a wonderful job tonight.
And, last night he bought over a port wine cheese ball because I said I like them. Sometimes it is important to remember the little things in the big picture.
I think it's from the stress of the many things that are going on in my life. All the adjusting it's taking to being at a new and sullen cross roads of possibilities. Perhaps this is another reason why I am leery of taking comps and finishing my thesis, because it will be a huge chapter in my life has come to a close and I have no real idea what it is exactly I should be doing now. I've never been one for not having a real plan in some way or another and right now I have none. I think this is part of the reason I am not studying or writing as much as I should be.
When it happened I was crying in bed because I just don't feel like I do anything right that is really important. Of course I can go to the market and pick up supplies, but if he can't feel like he can open up to me and trust me than I am doing something wrong? Am I going about things in the wrong? Why the fuck is this so fucking hard all the time? I know that relationships take work, and so I have been trying to open up to him more a little bit at a time, because since Bjorn, I have been scared of letting anyone in too deep in fear of losing again and given up secrets that do not need to be shared if there is no reason for them to be, right?
He is sweet though for telling me that I did a wonderful job tonight.
And, last night he bought over a port wine cheese ball because I said I like them. Sometimes it is important to remember the little things in the big picture.
I can't sleep,
and am all tears and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could sleep; it would be so much easy then sitting in this chair right now so heavy with thought and burden.
Eric doesn't think I listen to him, and so this is why he doesn't talk to me. I think that I do listen to him more than he thinks I do, but he is right, I didn't really give him some time to process before questioning him about what his mother had proposed to transpire during Christmas break. I think that part of the reason I feel the way I feel right now is because he hasn't really told his mother or father that we're dating, and somehow this makes me feel less than important. Maybe he is ashamed of me? Although, I don't really think this is so, and probably really, is just my own insecurities of never really being good enough. I thought I had made a least part of what I said right by offering to clean his apartment up while he has gone so that his mother would feel comfortable there, and so she would be able to relax while she is here. I thought that was my way of saying 'OK, I understand that this is the plan now" and going with it. I also, thought I had told him I was sorry before we left for his recital.
When I was discussing it with my mom afterwards she told me I should have just stayed out of it. I wish I had talk to her first, but it seems lately that I have a problem speaking my mind about certain things and others around me either being hurt by my thoughts/word choice/ feelings or cutting my out of their life completely. I can't help it in some ways. If I feel strongly about something I can not not say something. It goes against my nature. Well, for years I did really just let people walk all over me or I stood back and watch while those I cared about the most were hurt either by their own actions or the actions of others and said nothing. Was that really any better? Looking back at it now it was like I was walking around blind and deaf in some ways. But, I am now learning that no one really wants to hear my thoughts on things because I state them too strongly, and where is the middle ground? Is there any? I don't think so. Tonight, when I was hurt by him telling Tim about how he was doing in school, I don't think he understood that I hadn't really made the connection between him going to East yesterday and that being an action he was taking to succeed because I guess I didn't know all of the details.
I wish he could see that in so many ways we are in the same places. That both he and I are not totally living up to these extremely high standards we have set for ourselves.
And, I thought I was being supportive. I really did. I thought I was cheering him on with the things I have been doing for him. I worked hard today to make sure that his recital went well because I wanted him to be able to feel good about it afterwards. And, at the Vagabond, when I told him that I thought he could be playing more of the things he has composed out; I was not only saying that because I really do think what he is doing with some of that is actually good, but to encourage him to do keep writing because it seems to be a place that he finds real joy.
When he talks about the past, about St. Lucia, I hear and feel the pain he has because he lost his place there. Sometimes I feel like he feels slightly guilty about it too. I know he would rather be there, where it is warm and sunny, teaching and making a difference.
I don't know. Things with Eric have been so different; I have no real skills on how to deal with it. In some ways our relationship is completely the opposite from everything in my past. My past relationships have been all emotional intimacy from the start, but no real day to day closeness. With Eric, I have seen him everyday since the beginning and am becoming used to his presence in my life. I enjoy him being around more than I can express. In a lot of ways, I haven't felt that dark aloneness, or the need to struggle against him. I have been able to take everyday as it comes and him some sides of me that no one has ever seen, partly because no one has ever seem interested or stuck around long enough for me to be capable of doing so.
And, at times I do feel like I've given up some things to make him happy. I let him chose what we're going to listen to most of the time because I just do. And, I don't watch certain things or listen to the radio because I understand that there are just somethings he doesn't or can't be distracted by, but I don't feel like he really understands that I'm doing this for him because I do care about him so much. I want to see him finish what he has started here with school because I think it will one day really pay off in some way, but how do I support him in a way that is meaning full and gratifying to him?
If he were to ask me how I he could support me more, what would I say? I know it would be nice and perhaps helpful if he asked me to read some of the poems from my comps list to him and talk with me about them a little bit, and if he would ask me if I was writing and ask to read the things I am working on and give me a little feedback on them. I asked him what he would need of me and he didn't say anything, only that it wasn't working out for us to be each others 'cheer leaders' but how can I cheer for him if I don't know how? I can ask him if he's practice, but I sort of felt like that would be bugging him in a way that would make him resent me more then appreciate me. I could lead by example but lately I just haven't felt inspired much. I will say that I have felt more inspired since we've started dating, because in some ways now that I have someone in my life that I do care about and who in some ways does make me feel secure, I haven't had to focus that energy on finding him. I find a certain amount of relief in his presence.
Maybe I should go again to bed, and try and find some of that relief now in his arms.
Eric doesn't think I listen to him, and so this is why he doesn't talk to me. I think that I do listen to him more than he thinks I do, but he is right, I didn't really give him some time to process before questioning him about what his mother had proposed to transpire during Christmas break. I think that part of the reason I feel the way I feel right now is because he hasn't really told his mother or father that we're dating, and somehow this makes me feel less than important. Maybe he is ashamed of me? Although, I don't really think this is so, and probably really, is just my own insecurities of never really being good enough. I thought I had made a least part of what I said right by offering to clean his apartment up while he has gone so that his mother would feel comfortable there, and so she would be able to relax while she is here. I thought that was my way of saying 'OK, I understand that this is the plan now" and going with it. I also, thought I had told him I was sorry before we left for his recital.
When I was discussing it with my mom afterwards she told me I should have just stayed out of it. I wish I had talk to her first, but it seems lately that I have a problem speaking my mind about certain things and others around me either being hurt by my thoughts/word choice/ feelings or cutting my out of their life completely. I can't help it in some ways. If I feel strongly about something I can not not say something. It goes against my nature. Well, for years I did really just let people walk all over me or I stood back and watch while those I cared about the most were hurt either by their own actions or the actions of others and said nothing. Was that really any better? Looking back at it now it was like I was walking around blind and deaf in some ways. But, I am now learning that no one really wants to hear my thoughts on things because I state them too strongly, and where is the middle ground? Is there any? I don't think so. Tonight, when I was hurt by him telling Tim about how he was doing in school, I don't think he understood that I hadn't really made the connection between him going to East yesterday and that being an action he was taking to succeed because I guess I didn't know all of the details.
I wish he could see that in so many ways we are in the same places. That both he and I are not totally living up to these extremely high standards we have set for ourselves.
And, I thought I was being supportive. I really did. I thought I was cheering him on with the things I have been doing for him. I worked hard today to make sure that his recital went well because I wanted him to be able to feel good about it afterwards. And, at the Vagabond, when I told him that I thought he could be playing more of the things he has composed out; I was not only saying that because I really do think what he is doing with some of that is actually good, but to encourage him to do keep writing because it seems to be a place that he finds real joy.
When he talks about the past, about St. Lucia, I hear and feel the pain he has because he lost his place there. Sometimes I feel like he feels slightly guilty about it too. I know he would rather be there, where it is warm and sunny, teaching and making a difference.
I don't know. Things with Eric have been so different; I have no real skills on how to deal with it. In some ways our relationship is completely the opposite from everything in my past. My past relationships have been all emotional intimacy from the start, but no real day to day closeness. With Eric, I have seen him everyday since the beginning and am becoming used to his presence in my life. I enjoy him being around more than I can express. In a lot of ways, I haven't felt that dark aloneness, or the need to struggle against him. I have been able to take everyday as it comes and him some sides of me that no one has ever seen, partly because no one has ever seem interested or stuck around long enough for me to be capable of doing so.
And, at times I do feel like I've given up some things to make him happy. I let him chose what we're going to listen to most of the time because I just do. And, I don't watch certain things or listen to the radio because I understand that there are just somethings he doesn't or can't be distracted by, but I don't feel like he really understands that I'm doing this for him because I do care about him so much. I want to see him finish what he has started here with school because I think it will one day really pay off in some way, but how do I support him in a way that is meaning full and gratifying to him?
If he were to ask me how I he could support me more, what would I say? I know it would be nice and perhaps helpful if he asked me to read some of the poems from my comps list to him and talk with me about them a little bit, and if he would ask me if I was writing and ask to read the things I am working on and give me a little feedback on them. I asked him what he would need of me and he didn't say anything, only that it wasn't working out for us to be each others 'cheer leaders' but how can I cheer for him if I don't know how? I can ask him if he's practice, but I sort of felt like that would be bugging him in a way that would make him resent me more then appreciate me. I could lead by example but lately I just haven't felt inspired much. I will say that I have felt more inspired since we've started dating, because in some ways now that I have someone in my life that I do care about and who in some ways does make me feel secure, I haven't had to focus that energy on finding him. I find a certain amount of relief in his presence.
Maybe I should go again to bed, and try and find some of that relief now in his arms.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
We are quite yet restless this evening. Perhaps it is because I am sick. Bad cough. stuffy nose, upset stomach, slight head ache. I thought I would be well enough to go to work today but I was drained in a way I haven't been for a while. I just went back to bed and whined and was demanding most of the day. I insisted that Eric and Sid took care of me. Sid more so as Eric was away at school.
Sid is having another run in with a girl. He had a couple of dates with this girl over the holiday weekend and thought she was his new girl friend, but today, she told him that she didn't want to be in a relationship. When did it become this complicated at 13? He did sit down and talk to Eric and I about it and it was a sweet moment. Eric explain some things to him perhaps better than I could and I followed with my own words of advice about letting go on some one when they put up red flags. It is all so much easier that way, in the end, to let go before anyone gets in too deep; although, at 13 how deep can you really get? I ask this half tongue in cheek. No one should slight any one's feelings, the problem, as Eric vocalized to me a while ago--is that teenagers are not quite sure of how they feel. They can do everything that an adult can do within limits, but yet the emotional core is still as of yet totally ready to deal with all it intercedes on a daily basis. It is a hard lesson to understand and yet there is innocence there that is pure and so beautiful. It is why even teenagers are a joy to have around, and in some ways, more so than younger children. He is a joy to have around more days than not.
I need to start focusing on myself a bit more on on Eric and Sid less though. I have to finish my thesis and start studying for comps. I should ask some of my friends to write me out practice questions.
Tonight, Eric referred to his own apartment as is weekend cottage because he never hardly stays there anymore. When he says these sort of things it makes me feel bad like I'm forcing him to stay here with me every night. I will admit that I gave him a key though, after a week, I slid a gold key into his hand because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. They third key was not for him but for my sister but I gave it to him instead. I also bought him a tooth brush, but neither of these things really felt like a big deal, but necessary. He needs to brush his teeth and he needs to lock the door behind him if he's still in bed after I leave. I guess I just didn't see these as such big deals at the time. Maybe I was wrong; maybe they were. I informed him that really in the end it was our relationship and only the two of us have to live up to it. That my friends, too, had been a little shocked by the hastiness of our sudden coming together. I should maybe insist on my own space a bit more though for the good of my own sanity. But, I feel fine overall with where things are between us.
Now he's flying paper airplanes around the house and my head hurts. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.
Sid is having another run in with a girl. He had a couple of dates with this girl over the holiday weekend and thought she was his new girl friend, but today, she told him that she didn't want to be in a relationship. When did it become this complicated at 13? He did sit down and talk to Eric and I about it and it was a sweet moment. Eric explain some things to him perhaps better than I could and I followed with my own words of advice about letting go on some one when they put up red flags. It is all so much easier that way, in the end, to let go before anyone gets in too deep; although, at 13 how deep can you really get? I ask this half tongue in cheek. No one should slight any one's feelings, the problem, as Eric vocalized to me a while ago--is that teenagers are not quite sure of how they feel. They can do everything that an adult can do within limits, but yet the emotional core is still as of yet totally ready to deal with all it intercedes on a daily basis. It is a hard lesson to understand and yet there is innocence there that is pure and so beautiful. It is why even teenagers are a joy to have around, and in some ways, more so than younger children. He is a joy to have around more days than not.
I need to start focusing on myself a bit more on on Eric and Sid less though. I have to finish my thesis and start studying for comps. I should ask some of my friends to write me out practice questions.
Tonight, Eric referred to his own apartment as is weekend cottage because he never hardly stays there anymore. When he says these sort of things it makes me feel bad like I'm forcing him to stay here with me every night. I will admit that I gave him a key though, after a week, I slid a gold key into his hand because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. They third key was not for him but for my sister but I gave it to him instead. I also bought him a tooth brush, but neither of these things really felt like a big deal, but necessary. He needs to brush his teeth and he needs to lock the door behind him if he's still in bed after I leave. I guess I just didn't see these as such big deals at the time. Maybe I was wrong; maybe they were. I informed him that really in the end it was our relationship and only the two of us have to live up to it. That my friends, too, had been a little shocked by the hastiness of our sudden coming together. I should maybe insist on my own space a bit more though for the good of my own sanity. But, I feel fine overall with where things are between us.
Now he's flying paper airplanes around the house and my head hurts. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.
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