I'm having flashbacks again. Fairly vivid scary ones from four and six. The ones from when I was four are scarier, but the ones from 6 are more vivid then ever before. They shake me and make me feel crazy and out of control. I work so hard to not forget what happen to me as a child, bit to try and not think about them. I like to think I have more control over my thoughts than that, but I don't. They come back when I least expect them too and haunt me like ghosts that have no place to rest their weary bodies so they too may find some peace now.
I think it's from the stress of the many things that are going on in my life. All the adjusting it's taking to being at a new and sullen cross roads of possibilities. Perhaps this is another reason why I am leery of taking comps and finishing my thesis, because it will be a huge chapter in my life has come to a close and I have no real idea what it is exactly I should be doing now. I've never been one for not having a real plan in some way or another and right now I have none. I think this is part of the reason I am not studying or writing as much as I should be.
When it happened I was crying in bed because I just don't feel like I do anything right that is really important. Of course I can go to the market and pick up supplies, but if he can't feel like he can open up to me and trust me than I am doing something wrong? Am I going about things in the wrong? Why the fuck is this so fucking hard all the time? I know that relationships take work, and so I have been trying to open up to him more a little bit at a time, because since Bjorn, I have been scared of letting anyone in too deep in fear of losing again and given up secrets that do not need to be shared if there is no reason for them to be, right?
He is sweet though for telling me that I did a wonderful job tonight.
And, last night he bought over a port wine cheese ball because I said I like them. Sometimes it is important to remember the little things in the big picture.
