are not getting along at all. I don't want to study him and he doesn't want to help me understand him enough to pass my final tomorrow. My last final before comps. I'm tried of being tested.
When Goldbarth return our midterms I almost cried. I thought I had did much better than I had, and when he read the 'best' paper out loud, I felt like I had learned nothing at all over the past four years. I don't even write up to m y own standards. I am not a failure but close. Critical prose is just so beyond my grasp and today, I have been feeling as if so many things are beyond my small pea size brain's grasp. So many thing I know I should know, but do not or have forgotten. Why do I push my self so hard and come up so empty handed?
I am greedy. I want too much. I want to be thin and beautiful, but also intelligent and successful, well-like by my peers, a better house keeper, etc.... But, I also feel burden by these ideas, as if, if I could somehow just except that I am not any of these things I would be able to live in a world of empty idleness, because when I look around and see all these people who really care about so little they seem more at peace with the world than I am. I want change not only for myself but also for the world. Enlightenment on some other level, and see also, how hard to is to obtain.
I've spent most of this day in an awful mood for no reason that I can tell except that perhaps I am feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed by school being done and Eric leaving on Friday so what I thought would be just ten days but has turned into a month now. In some way I am hoping that during it I will be able to do some heavy revising that needs to be done and start studying for comps in a more serious way, but I know that I am going to miss him. I have become accustomed to his being here. To saying good morning and good night to him every day. And, I fret too much on how the distance could affects us and then remember that he will be back for a few days over New Year's, which he is doing for me, because I asked him too.
Eric is sleeping on the lounge next to the windows in the dining room. Sometimes he will open his eyes for just a moment so sweetly and look to me. It is when I love him the most, when he his body is at rest, so quiet, so perfect.
