Last night I dreamt that I was at a party for Thanksgiving and Ian Walker Stewart was hitting on me in front of all these people that we both know but are closer to him than me, and I was super worried about his girlfriend and he seemed to think it was fine and at some point I guess I decided they broke up. Then Taylor showed up with her new finance who I hadn't meet and some other girl and by the end I found out that this guy was married and Taylor was going to be a sister wife. The whole dream was very orange and red.

I think it's official. I'm lonely.

Tuesday, and the best thing I ca say about it is that at least it's not hot today. All rain clouds and high winds. It's refreshing in more ways than not.

New plan--

Yoga 7 days a week and walking 7 days a week for one month.

Writing at least an hour a day. Time to start the memory project. I think 12 poems would be a good number for it. If they are two pages each it could become either the second half of a collection of another chap book.

One submission a week. I'm always so wishy washy on this one. I still haven't mailed out my chap book to Chamber Press. It's on the list for a week from Friday.

Reading more.

Art more.

I need to get out a bit more too. Once during the week and once on the weekends.

During the week I will keep the house clean.

Wow.

Not as exciting as it sounds.

Four days later, I'm still under the weather a bit.

I should give up using cliches, they're tacky.

Jason sent me an email on Friday telling me what I had already guessed--that he and his ex-girlfriend were back together. I was pretty hurt for like 3 hours and then I just got over it. What does that say about me? Am I becoming so jaded that I can just stop caring at will, or have I grown so much I know when it just isn't worth fighting for anymore. Possibly both. Hopefully I don't become more bitter though.

Well,I did cry and write him two emails telling him I was angry with him and I felt what he did was unfair and in some ways deceitful. It hurt, but I guess once I knew I was able to move on.

Plus, I shopped a lot yesterday. I bought a new pair of heels, and some sunglasses, and mascara, and new panties and a bra. It had been so long since I bought myself anything new that it felt sort of nice and not too wasteful. I found a hat that would go perfect with my other winter coat I may have to go and back and get.

That's how boring I am today, I'm writing about my shopping trip. Nice.

Oh, I forgot. I was kiss raped on Saturday (kiss rape is a new term Kate came up with at brunch yesterday--really it was just breakfast at the Beacon but since it was noon I think that makes in brunch. This guy starting hitting on me cause I have tattoos, or that's what he said, and a pretty awful pickup line at that. Not only did he kiss me after I told him not too but he but it was a horrible kiss. Just annoying overall. And, then yesterday, he thought I was at Kirbys to see him when really I w as there to do my laundry and have a cocktail with my girls. Men.

I think my friend John from KC is going to come and visit me over Labor Day. He'a a sweetie but needs a lot more care than I may be able to give, but a trip out of town will be good for him and I always like having house guests. Especially good looking ones.

My anxiety is at an all time high this morning. The phone does that to me sometimes. I'll get over it.

Yesterday, I found out I had a poem accepted to Muzzle Magazine. Another magazine that no one has heard of that I knew I would get in to. At some point I have to start submitting to places that are more well known. It would be good for my ego before I start thinking every word I write is golden.

Like there's any chance of that really.

I've been thinking more and more about my insecurity issues. At 36 will I ever get over them. At this point I don't think so really, but I do think I have them at bay more now then ever before. I don't whine out loud about it the way I did in my 20's as much (there are still times I whine about it with Melissa when she's and I are comparing our dating lives. Hers always being more exciting in some ways than mine since men are always falling for her and this has never been a problem I have).

Maybe it's for the best that I don't think I'm amazing but just slightly above average.

I've gained 5 pounds back. Is that what one night of tacos and drinks with my niece will do to my waistline? If so, never again.

Today is my second day of waking up at 6:45. It's not too bad. It's sort of nice to be almost ready by the time Sid crawls out of bed. I wish I was a better person and could get up at 6am and go for a walk but I'm not. I'm gonna just let that idea go right now. But, maybe someday.

I feel a bit better today. Not great. Still wonderin' but better. Not as depressed

Boring though. I feel really boring. I need some intellectual stimulation or something. Anything. I just want out of this funk already.

I have been really jealous of some of my girlfriends lately. They are so close and hang out all the time and I'm like a second tier friend. If I ask to come along to something than I'm allowed but I'm never on the list at the beginning. Maybe it's because I don't like bluegrass and PBR enough. At least I have Kate. I would probably go crazy without her.

I have been thinking I need to get out a bit more, like one day a week and at least once on the weekends and as soon as I say that to myself I want to retreat to my room and stay there.

On Sunday, I yelled at a homeless man who was walking down the middle of the street. It was the most compassionateness things I have done in a long time and it has bothered me for days. I'm not sure why he bothered me in his drink swinger. I just was and he was slowing me down, but usually I'm more patient and calm about things. I don't know what was wrong with me.

It's Monday. Sid started school today. I have a headache and came to work at 8am for the first time in three months and the day already feels long and waring. I have a 2:30 meeting with my VISTA Supervisor that I was hoping would be tomorrow.

I had a nice weekend but rather boring. Laundry, haircut, a cocktail or two, some yoga, some walking,a little art and dinner with my niece and nephew.

Garrett left yesterday for Turkey. We never were able to get it together and see each other before he left except for a few moments on Wednesday. It was probably better for me that way. No need for long goodbyes since my feelings faded for him so fast and quickly. I'm glad we'll maintain friendship though. I may need his coaching once I start grad school again and it is because of him that I decided to go back to grad school.

I still haven't heard from Jason. Three weeks at midnight.

Not that I'm counting or anything. Some things I just remember.

I've picked out three books to read this month and have two art projects and one baking project. That should keep me busy while I decide what my next step will be.

I feel so stuck right now.

And lonely.

Dream--

I was in a store of some sort, I think it was a convenience store, and I ran into my babysitter form childhood's sister-in-law, Rhonda, she had a baby girl and was the age she was when I was kid and I was the age I am now. She was telling me about how the two boys had grown up and she and her husband, Bill, had decided to have another baby and lucked out to have a girl. I was wearing a name tag. It had my name on it and underneath said "Widow." This dream was in full color like a film.

I had another dream too but now I don't remember it at all.

Last night I got a call from a 0000000000 number and at first I had a faint hope it was someone important but when they called back this morning and I answered it was just a bill collector who was very very rude with me. I know they have tough jobs but do they have to be so rude?

I went to The Onion Tree on my way home from lunch to talk to the Brigitte the girl who owns it and is my upstairs neighbor. I wanted to check out her little shop and pick up something for my niece. While we were talking she told me I was wasteful because I had so many clothes. She's not very nice. I don't think I'll shop there again. I spent $20 on two small things too. She has a store full of things that most people don't need. She has a whole business built on waste.

Jason should be back in the states today. I hope he got back safe and sound.

I've almost made my goals of walking 5 times this week and yoga five times this week. I'm 5 days smoke-free.

I'm pretty much miserable.

Last nights dreams--

Jason cutting his hair and badly in a smallish apartment that was mine but not the one I live in now and his hair was much more gray than it is now. Liz and Jared were visiting. It was like I lived somewhere else altogether. A different town. They both took showers and then Jared rearranged the bath room so everything had a place to go. While this was going on Sid went to this convenience store that was on the fifth floor of this light brown building across the street and never came back. Liz was walking around the apartment in just her panties, Pale blue, and she had all these stretch marks but she was so thin. I think I was jealous. Then it was dark and there were candles everywhere and somehow Shana Hubbard was there (but she had long blonde hair and wasn't a crack head.) and asking me to help get her kids in a different school so I was pretending to be her and talking with this man who was the principal and then she came in and blow it all. Then The principal told me he wold buy all the weed I had. That's when I woke up.

To find out there was a 6.9 earthquake a 100 miles outside of Quito, Ecuador. So far no reported deaths though and now I can't remember if Jason was in Columbia today or yesterday? I should have taken better notes.

I also wish I had written down how to cook rice faster when he told me, but maybe it's better that I didn't. I just keep burning it now at the slower pace it could only be worse if I was cooking it faster.

This morning I notice four duplexes with both sides for rent. Funny what you notice sometimes.

My head is full of fog today. I woke up late and I just can't seem to get right. Day four of not smoking at all (but day 12 since I bought a pack, day 9 of diet (total loss as of now 5 pounds, was hoping for more like 7 but will take it), day 9 of now process sugar.

I hosted trivia last night at Kirbys and was full of silliness. I couldn't pronounce anything and had all this silly hard words to pronounce. Plus some of my questions were really bad. I should have fact checked better, but really I don't care. It's just a game. People shouldn't take everything so seriously.

Garrett came for a bit to see me. We've been missing each other a lot lately. He's leaving on Sunday so we're gonna try and hang out tomorrow night for a bit. Our friendship has grow and shrunk and grown again in so many way over the last few months. I wonder how it will change once he's gone...

Wow! I'm having a lot of anxiety today. More than usual. I wonder what has bought all this on....

I had this dream late last night--

I was with two men, bot of whom I knew in the dream but I'm not sure who they were now. One was in a band and had a big conversion van that was gray and beat up. When we opened the side door my favorite white vintage dress was hanging there. He was returning it to me from someone I loaned it too. I explained that it was the dress I wanted to get married in (but it's not? Although, I did love that dress and am not sure where it went). I could feel some tension between the two men and was attracted to the one who drove the van. I couldn't get the side door shut so the other man shut the door for me. We drove off into the night. Where were we going?

Second dream, someone, a women, was questioning me about my job. She was just asking me questions and I said the one thing I would change is I would have my one office. She started being harder on me about what exactly I was doing. She looked like Levata but wasn't. We were sort of friends. Someone left a bag of pink linens on my desk. Inside there was also an apron. This dram makes a little sense I do have my yearly VISTA check in coming up soon.

I'm eating vegetables for breakfast. It's all veggie day. I've only lost 4, maybe 5, pounds on this diet. I guess that's okay though. I was just hoping for the 9 the advertise on the site. I didn't work out very much last week though and I am on my period. 5 more pounds to go. At this rate I'll have to do three more rounds. Oh well. If I feel better about my body when I'm done it's worth it.

Jason may be being kidnapped by Colombia rebels today. I hope he's okay.

I'm hosting trivia at Kirbys tonight. Garrett will probably come and say goodbye. He wanted me to come to Andover on Monday to see him but I was in such an awful mood I just couldn't do it.

The bed bugs seem better today. They're spraying again tomorrow. I wish they would use a heat treatment. It would work better but I know Sam is too cheap to do so.

Today--

Not really any better

But not really worse.

I guess that this is what I get for quitting smoking and drinking and sugar all at the same time.

I did make some things last night though, and I woke up this morning with no bed bugs bites, and my head isn't quite as light headed today and I got a call about an apartment in a posh building downtown (but I think it may be smaller than my apartment now though but I'll go look at it) and I wrote almost all my trivia questions for tomorrow night and I've lost 4 pounds.

I just still wanna cry.

And, I have no real reason to cry when the rest of the world is suffering way more than I am with all the war and floods and landslides.

I think my next step is to stop listening to the news....

Today, I am just weepy and over everything.

Tomorrow will be better.

Always one for extremes.

I was stood up tonight by the man (when did I start referring to males as men and not as boys?) I went out with a few times last week. We had a rough time of it Friday night when he came by to 'help' me clean when I told him he could stop by for moral support if he wanted. I think he didn't understand me and he was rushing me as I tried to straighten up things. I know I should have been grateful for the help, but I wasn't. I guess I like to clean alone and don't want to be hovered over or expected to give someone orders. He was cold when he left. In my own defense, I was major PMSing, and am quitting smoking not drinking and dieting. I told him that and he wasn't so sympathetic. I need someone who is sweet when I'm in a bad mood as long as I'm not being too over the top. Which I don't think I was being. I was fine with him not calling tonight. I was really glad he didn't. I was going to have to tell him I'm not interested but I guess he already knows. I'm also glad I didn't sleep with him that we didn't even really kiss. It's a relief in some ways to walk away this time empty handed.

Still no word from Jason. I miss him. I miss his emails. They made me feel not so alone in the world. I've been trying to not make excuses for him one way or the other, to just let it be and see what happens. Melissa and Robin both think he's blowing me off. That if he wanted to contact me he would have by now. Melissa said once a man called her from Greece while on vacation. Ian said that men make time when they are really into someone. Katy seems to think it's not so black and white. That he developed deep feelings about me or something and has freaked out now. I have just been telling myself he was busy catching up with school and visiting with family and now he's in Ecuador and too busy having adventures with his ex the lesbian. Maybe he and Alley got back together...

It's just odd. The last I heard fro him he said he was in a hotel and he wanted to call me but it was too late and he thought I was asleep.

I wish he had called.

I wish I didn't feel like crying right now.

Today, I just wish I had something, anything more interesting to say then I plan to spend the weekend cleaning my apartment because I woke up with new bed bug bites on my arms. This was something I have expected I guess since they missed spraying last week and told me they aren't coming for another two weeks. New approach, my mother (who has been driving me slightly crazy for days) has gotten some sort of hand steamer for the furniture. I'll throw the couch a way if I have too.

I'll throw my whole life away if I have too.

My mother is sick again. How many more times can she get sick in one year. Five? Six? I'm sure if she would take just slightly better care of herself it would help. Eat something green just once in a while. Sometimes I feel like I know she's gonna die, it probably doesn't help that she tells me she won't live past 65.

It makes me feel like I'm just a little kid again and she's telling me she'll be moving out when I'm 18.

I don't like it.

Strange dreams last night--

1. I finally received an email. It was written in fours lines. I can't recall what it said now though.

2. Garrett and my old friend Erica and I stole a car. Well, they stole a car. A white Volkswagen Rabbit. New model. We are downtown somewhere, and then at my house where Garrett moves the car to the parking lot across the street and leaves in there. We have a lot of money for some reason.

3. Someone's arms around me and jumping off a cliff into a body of water. A long dress, flowing down around my ankles. This is the strangest of the three. Everything was all reds and greens and blues and a river raging below; although there were cliffs, so maybe it was an ocean? I remember thinking it was a river though.

Still down today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

It's been a week since I haven't heard from him

Maybe he's dead.

I'm a mess.

I had missed him here and there over the last few weeks, but it was manageable till yesterday. I'm blaming it on yoga. My instructor said we were doing some heart charka opening poses.

It may have to do with I went out with a guy I know. It was a date. He's vaguely interesting, nice looking, intelligent, but he talked through the movie we watched together and he tried in settle ways to argue with me about things.

Okay, it's true, I don't like to be challenged on some topics. I think everyone should have healthcare, and vote, this is not a reason to question my motives. And, he doesn't vote. I can't live with that. Yes, I know that we probably have as much of a corrupt system as any other country but it's my right as a woman, a right not many other women have in this world.

And he challenges me in a way I don't care for.

I want to be liked for who I am today.

What I really want to do--

cry...

Where to start--

1. I'm at work today only because I thought we had a 12pm meeting with the advisory board, but it was canceled and no one told me. I should have at least gotten an email. Another day wasted at a desk doing nothing but reading the NY Times and waiting for email. Since neither of them are here though, I'm skipping out early. I see no reason to stay under these conditions.

Update--my boss just called, meeting still on and in 15 minutes. Now, I have to go and scramble to find some lunch to feed these people.

Update 2--got lunch. Only one person should up for the meeting. Waste of 15 dollars.

2. ICT Fest was a mild success overall. All the bands got to play but one. There was no air conditioning and I didn't lose any money. In fact, I made more money this year than last. I'm not sure if I can do it again next year though. It may be time to turn the fest over to someone else.

3. I haven't heard from Jason in almost a week and I don't know if I should be upset or worried or both. Either way it doesn't see very fair. And, I miss him and his words. I know he left the country today so I expected some radio silence but I guess I didn't know they turned off the internet in Virgina. I have a few ideas while he hasn't written me--1. He's dead and forgot the card I sent him at home and so no one knows to call me. 2. He got back together with one of his ex's and the ran off and got married. 3. He was so busy he forgot to write and he'll be sending me a very long email in 15 days explaining it all and ask for forgiveness.

Really, in all these scenarios he should write.

I have more to say about this but I'm not ready. I haven't sorted it all out inmy head yet.

4. I quit smoking today and I already hate it.

Dream remembered while walking the dogs

I was working at some sort of home for children who had problems, and I was late as usual and when I got there Sid was missing.He was not his self as his is now, but his smaller self with blonde hair and rounder face. I knew that he was suppose to be there but no one could find him for some reason. The house was all orange and brown and there was a woman vacuuming the halls and the rooms and the house was in general disrepair. I kept calling and calling him and he wouldn't answer. I was calling him the way I call the dog when he runs away.

I miss that game freeze frame that we played at the roller rink when i was a kid on four wheels on each foot and the DJ would call out freeze and everybody would stop an hold their position for a moment or two. When I was really young I thought the whole world must have stopped too, and I could walk around and catch my breath before I missed too much more.

The week went so fast. What was I doing this time last week? Was I waiting and feeling nervous. Probably... I had on my new skirt and white summer blouse and tried to decide if it was too much or not and then it was hot when I got home so I just changed into shorts and I wasn't nervous after 4? That's odd. Hmm...

Forcing myself to stay on this schedule of studying and writing is like being constrained in some ways. And, the more I study for my GRE the more my score goes down. Testing like this does not really show my true intelligence and I know that, but why does it make me feel so unintelligent when I watch my scores drop. Why am I jumping through this hoop for grad school? To get a job? When what I want is to not be tied down to anything at all. To let my wandering self out to travel. Maybe somewhere down the line I was related to Irish Travelers?

I have to maintain focus. I would take more B vitamins but they give me anxiety.

I'm still not sleeping.

I still haven't found a pen that does what I want it to do.

Okay, I'm complaining out loud because I am restless, bored, and lonely today.

Although, this is not really out loud this is on a blog that no one reads so it doesn't really count.

My days are filled with so little some days, in spite of what others think, I really do very little with my time that I find worth wild. I do a lot of small projects that seem like something, but in the end are really only for other's entertainment: ICT FEST, Poetry for the Masses, etc.... And, sometimes I ask myself why do I do these things, I have to question my motives. It is to do some actual good or to just fill my time while I slowly pull my roots out of the soil.

I've been studying for my GRE's all morning at work. And, I'm tried. I didn't sleep well last night so it has made an average Wednesday hard to get through and there is a lot of thoughts on what I am doing and why running through my head.

Why am I going to get my MLS? I don't really want to work but since I have to work is it the best option? Is there a better one? There will probably never be another job as easy as being a VISTA and really doing nothing for as long as I have (which lately I have been using my time behind the desk better by working on revision and studying.)

I think I'm just mad Susan Spillman won some contest and I still haven't finished the re-writes yet.

Maybe I'm a perfectionist after all.

There is so much to think about lately 9did I already state that. I repeat myself a lot sometimes. I should work on that). The GRE's. Finishing the chap book. Both of which have similar deadlines. The book of essays I'm working on. Yoga. This blog and why I have kept it this long but allow hardly no one into it.

Maintaining more clam in my life so there is less crisis.

Sid's camp crisis pissed me off more than I will admit. partly because, yes, I'm selfish. I never wanted to be a full-time parent which is why I fought for Pat to stay in the country every time he tried to deploy and to it's time for a fucking break. The last 8 years of our lives have been these silly little crisis that I put up with when he was young but now I'm done with them. And, he should be too.

Love?

What about love?

Where does that idea fit into my life right now? Maybe it doesn't at all and I just want it to? Because, I when I think of love I want to bend it into something that will fit into my life in a way that makes sense.

A while ago I was having lunch with Kali and she asked me exactly what it was I was looking for and I was blank--I'm never blank. I can always answer a question when posed to me.

I think really--I just want to feel okay with someone.

And, that has always seemed like a lot to ask.

Two Years

And, in some ways it really feels much longer than two years ago that my friend KC Hayward died. It feels like it happened years and years ago, but it has only been two years.

And, in other ways, it feels like it just happened yesterday or a week ago. That the time is moving much faster than I can keep up with it and this is disturbing to me in some ways.

KC, who told three men and his finace that I was the best lover he had ever had, and at some point I was romantically involve with all three of them. The longest being Ike, who is getting married on Saturday.

It was strange how KC's death bought some of us back together, those who had not talked in years for that short span a couple of months, while he was in the coma and during the three funerals. Most of them have stayed close and in touch but I have not really. I have backed off because the things they do don't always interest me. Bluegrass and PBR. Crafts and gardening. I can't even keep my flowers alive most days and I hate PBR. Bluegrass I can do sometimes but have always been more of a punk rock girl for good reasons.

I had forgotten about this day. About this anniversary and then was reminded by others. Yesterday, I was going through a drawer of pictures in my desk and came across the ones I have of KC when we were our closest.

He always bought joy and adventure to my life. I miss him for that. As, does so many others.

R.I.P. my friend.

Why do so many of us pick the wrong lovers--

I am going through it today.

I haven't ate today because I don't eat when I'm upset. The problem here--I'm not even exactly sure what I'm upset about.

That's a lie.

I do.

I just wish I didn't.

I am being forced to face my own dark demons, because some people just make you do so, even if you're not ready or want too.

And, perhaps, just maybe, I prefer to know that are they there but keep them at bay the best I can.

I am not ready to face this truth because I really do not know how to say 'no' when a section of my heart may or may not be involved.

After Bjorn and I parted and my short lived affair with Kyle I realized I only date me who are in some way unattainable. Okay, that was a breakthrough for me. An important one at that. Then I meet Eric. I didn't even like him at first. But when we ran into each other again things just fell into place and I thought that some part of me could help him so I hung on much too long to what should have just been a rebound and ended finally after under what some would call tragic circumstances of unwanted children and manic episodes. And when it finally ended, I was the happiest I had been in so long I had forgotten what it felt like to be really happy.

So, I moved on without knowing that in a few short months I would again repeat all my self destructive patterns so fiercely and quickly. Not knowing that one first man would call me out on these things so quickly and another would make me stand up and really try and face them.

Nathan, who I call married artist most of the time, was who called me out. "Married artist' is his code name, because unless I am serious with a man they end up having code names. I also do this with my girlfriends. Their collections of men and boys always are given code names too. It is our common language. It is how we keep it all straight.

No one before Nathan had. Like there was nothing wrong with my constant floating around. It was he who called to my attention that I am something to be admired and cared for; although, he is in some sort of confusing open marriage himself (which is why we are nothing more than close friends).

I have spent a lot of time just thinking about this fact about myself. Adsorb myself into this idea of why I only an attracted to the unattainable. I still have no answers for this except that it could come from the years of sexual abuse that while I don't allow to effect my daily life must still affect my subconsciousness in some way, and my missing father and for the most part my mother. Somewhere along the way I have decided I am not worthy enough to really be loved in a decent and sane way.

I really don't want to be this way anymore. I want to change. I just don't know how. I don't know where to start or how to start, but knowing that I want to change is gotta be half the battle. Or at least I hope so.

Kirbys was odd tonight. I went there because I have been out of sorts all day. Because I am confused and know that 20x20 space is one place where I am safe. Sol and Paul would be there. They are good and decent bartenders. I went there tonight because a good bartender misses nothing and I knew Nathan would be there. Paul and Sol are always able to read from my drink order and the look on my face what mood I am in, and lately Sol always adds; "Whoever he is, he's not worth it" when I order a whiskey. Because it is whiskey that I drink when I am nervous or upset or about to say something that could get me in a lot of trouble. It is how I order the whiskey that is important. Is it a shot with a water back, or a tall with coke or water? These are are tale-tale signs of my mood and metal state. If I am drinking beer or wine there is not too much to worry about except I may flirt a bit, but I will be fine.

Nathan was there for a moment when I first arrived and he told me all about his show in KC and I was happy to hear about it, and then came back and we talked some more about his big show in KC tomorrow and it was that talk put me to ease for the first time today (and a brief talk with a very nice married couple form OKC) because I didn't have to think about myself for a brief moment. Our common theme is always fire. I never have a lighter and he always finds a way to light my cigarette even if that means finding matches from the bar. This is the sort of attention that makes me care for him as a friend. I also think he is an amazing artist even though most of our conversations are odd and forced. I think he has made the lobes of his ears bigger as of late and he always gives the best hugs.

Really, what I wanted tonight was to be a bit invisible and sort out my thoughts a bit. To come to terms with some things which still have yet to happen, but I will get back to that later.

Sometimes, I think it would be divine to be in a place where no one knew anything about me but what I want to tell them. I could make up elaborate stories of my life before. Although, these days I feel self important enough to be truthful. I feel like I have finally made a place for myself in Wichita where I have no need to hide or be ashamed of anything that has happened before and now that I am thinking about going back to school (well, I have made up my mind and now it is all just a matter of getting accepted and doing the work)and PTFM's and ICT FEST going well I have no reason to think that anyone is above me.

Now, I want to leave Wichita not because I feel trapped here but because there is so much I want to see and do. I've become really excited about where my life could be in a couple of years. What adventures I could be going on. Thus far, I have made every dream I have had come true. Well, all except one...

I think I may have scared Jason off today with an email of true confession. If not, he is a very strong man, albeit, almost the same height as me and lately I've realized I do have a psychical type. This is a new development. I am usually so fickle. He usually has written me back by now, but maybe I have pushed him away a bit. I am sure I have confused him.

What I wanted to be was honest with him about the last week, but I don't have to be and that is where things get murky. I prefer brutal honesty even if it hurts someone along the way. It is easy to get over then being lied to or lead on,not that I feel either is happening to me today but I am watching it happen to someone I don't know and it bothers me and I'm not sure why).

I'm going to sleep on it...

There is so much more to say.

I am being paid to sit at a desk and do nothing. I'm sure there is something I should be doing and from time to time I do do things to look busy, but basically, on a day to day basis, I don't. Which is why I should be writing everyday, and today I did pull up a poem and look at it for a few moments and messed with the line breaks, but that was about it and I am not sure if that counts as writing?

Someone is playing the piano in the gallery. Work (again if we can really call it that) would be better if there was always music.

Some days I think I need a muse...or more talent. Which would be easier to find?

Last night, I stretch myself sideways over my bed. I am trying to fill it up. I am trying to not feel so alone.

Finally

I remembered the password to this damn blog. It only took a year. Why I just didn't ask to have it sent to me I don't know. Maybe I needed some space between me and my words and thoughts, but a year, well, that is a bit long for being away from all of this....

If I had thought anyone would have cared I would have told someone about the strange experience I had while standing in line to cash Pat's bi-monthly child support payments.

Saturday, it was too bitterly cold for me to really want to go out, but after a week without any food and the bill for Sid's summer camp due once again, I forced myself out into the world. Walmart is the only place I can cash Pat's checks and he refuses to have it just put straight into my account. He wants to see me fail. Why is he still so cold hearted towards me? After 15 years, I feel like he should be over it by now.

There was an older black man standing behind me, coughing and on oxygen (and every time I see someone on oxygen it makes me want to quit smoking). I was annoyed by him. He was making these noise I found very unsettling. I had to stop myself from turning around because I was afraid of what I would see, but at some point I did. He was over 6 foot tall and nicely dress, probably around 70, but I really couldn't tell. He could have been much much younger. He starting talking to me and the next thing I knew I was telling him all about all the tax rebates he could still get even though he was on SSI.

The point of this is that man made some sort of impact on me. I felt all his suffering right at that moment. I could tell there was a time he was probably quite a ladies man (it probably helped that he said I was beautiful even though I was a mess with no make and my hair all hidden under my hat. He knew I was a mess but also knew how to say the right things)and that somehow by this time in his life he had ended up alone because that was his path.

What path am I on today? Where am I going?