I am going through it today.
I haven't ate today because I don't eat when I'm upset. The problem here--I'm not even exactly sure what I'm upset about.
That's a lie.
I do.
I just wish I didn't.
I am being forced to face my own dark demons, because some people just make you do so, even if you're not ready or want too.
And, perhaps, just maybe, I prefer to know that are they there but keep them at bay the best I can.
I am not ready to face this truth because I really do not know how to say 'no' when a section of my heart may or may not be involved.
After Bjorn and I parted and my short lived affair with Kyle I realized I only date me who are in some way unattainable. Okay, that was a breakthrough for me. An important one at that. Then I meet Eric. I didn't even like him at first. But when we ran into each other again things just fell into place and I thought that some part of me could help him so I hung on much too long to what should have just been a rebound and ended finally after under what some would call tragic circumstances of unwanted children and manic episodes. And when it finally ended, I was the happiest I had been in so long I had forgotten what it felt like to be really happy.
So, I moved on without knowing that in a few short months I would again repeat all my self destructive patterns so fiercely and quickly. Not knowing that one first man would call me out on these things so quickly and another would make me stand up and really try and face them.
Nathan, who I call married artist most of the time, was who called me out. "Married artist' is his code name, because unless I am serious with a man they end up having code names. I also do this with my girlfriends. Their collections of men and boys always are given code names too. It is our common language. It is how we keep it all straight.
No one before Nathan had. Like there was nothing wrong with my constant floating around. It was he who called to my attention that I am something to be admired and cared for; although, he is in some sort of confusing open marriage himself (which is why we are nothing more than close friends).
I have spent a lot of time just thinking about this fact about myself. Adsorb myself into this idea of why I only an attracted to the unattainable. I still have no answers for this except that it could come from the years of sexual abuse that while I don't allow to effect my daily life must still affect my subconsciousness in some way, and my missing father and for the most part my mother. Somewhere along the way I have decided I am not worthy enough to really be loved in a decent and sane way.
I really don't want to be this way anymore. I want to change. I just don't know how. I don't know where to start or how to start, but knowing that I want to change is gotta be half the battle. Or at least I hope so.
Kirbys was odd tonight. I went there because I have been out of sorts all day. Because I am confused and know that 20x20 space is one place where I am safe. Sol and Paul would be there. They are good and decent bartenders. I went there tonight because a good bartender misses nothing and I knew Nathan would be there. Paul and Sol are always able to read from my drink order and the look on my face what mood I am in, and lately Sol always adds; "Whoever he is, he's not worth it" when I order a whiskey. Because it is whiskey that I drink when I am nervous or upset or about to say something that could get me in a lot of trouble. It is how I order the whiskey that is important. Is it a shot with a water back, or a tall with coke or water? These are are tale-tale signs of my mood and metal state. If I am drinking beer or wine there is not too much to worry about except I may flirt a bit, but I will be fine.
Nathan was there for a moment when I first arrived and he told me all about his show in KC and I was happy to hear about it, and then came back and we talked some more about his big show in KC tomorrow and it was that talk put me to ease for the first time today (and a brief talk with a very nice married couple form OKC) because I didn't have to think about myself for a brief moment. Our common theme is always fire. I never have a lighter and he always finds a way to light my cigarette even if that means finding matches from the bar. This is the sort of attention that makes me care for him as a friend. I also think he is an amazing artist even though most of our conversations are odd and forced. I think he has made the lobes of his ears bigger as of late and he always gives the best hugs.
Really, what I wanted tonight was to be a bit invisible and sort out my thoughts a bit. To come to terms with some things which still have yet to happen, but I will get back to that later.
Sometimes, I think it would be divine to be in a place where no one knew anything about me but what I want to tell them. I could make up elaborate stories of my life before. Although, these days I feel self important enough to be truthful. I feel like I have finally made a place for myself in Wichita where I have no need to hide or be ashamed of anything that has happened before and now that I am thinking about going back to school (well, I have made up my mind and now it is all just a matter of getting accepted and doing the work)and PTFM's and ICT FEST going well I have no reason to think that anyone is above me.
Now, I want to leave Wichita not because I feel trapped here but because there is so much I want to see and do. I've become really excited about where my life could be in a couple of years. What adventures I could be going on. Thus far, I have made every dream I have had come true. Well, all except one...
I think I may have scared Jason off today with an email of true confession. If not, he is a very strong man, albeit, almost the same height as me and lately I've realized I do have a psychical type. This is a new development. I am usually so fickle. He usually has written me back by now, but maybe I have pushed him away a bit. I am sure I have confused him.
What I wanted to be was honest with him about the last week, but I don't have to be and that is where things get murky. I prefer brutal honesty even if it hurts someone along the way. It is easy to get over then being lied to or lead on,not that I feel either is happening to me today but I am watching it happen to someone I don't know and it bothers me and I'm not sure why).
I'm going to sleep on it...
There is so much more to say.
