Dream remembered while walking the dogs

I was working at some sort of home for children who had problems, and I was late as usual and when I got there Sid was missing.He was not his self as his is now, but his smaller self with blonde hair and rounder face. I knew that he was suppose to be there but no one could find him for some reason. The house was all orange and brown and there was a woman vacuuming the halls and the rooms and the house was in general disrepair. I kept calling and calling him and he wouldn't answer. I was calling him the way I call the dog when he runs away.

I miss that game freeze frame that we played at the roller rink when i was a kid on four wheels on each foot and the DJ would call out freeze and everybody would stop an hold their position for a moment or two. When I was really young I thought the whole world must have stopped too, and I could walk around and catch my breath before I missed too much more.

The week went so fast. What was I doing this time last week? Was I waiting and feeling nervous. Probably... I had on my new skirt and white summer blouse and tried to decide if it was too much or not and then it was hot when I got home so I just changed into shorts and I wasn't nervous after 4? That's odd. Hmm...

Forcing myself to stay on this schedule of studying and writing is like being constrained in some ways. And, the more I study for my GRE the more my score goes down. Testing like this does not really show my true intelligence and I know that, but why does it make me feel so unintelligent when I watch my scores drop. Why am I jumping through this hoop for grad school? To get a job? When what I want is to not be tied down to anything at all. To let my wandering self out to travel. Maybe somewhere down the line I was related to Irish Travelers?

I have to maintain focus. I would take more B vitamins but they give me anxiety.

I'm still not sleeping.

I still haven't found a pen that does what I want it to do.

Okay, I'm complaining out loud because I am restless, bored, and lonely today.

Although, this is not really out loud this is on a blog that no one reads so it doesn't really count.

My days are filled with so little some days, in spite of what others think, I really do very little with my time that I find worth wild. I do a lot of small projects that seem like something, but in the end are really only for other's entertainment: ICT FEST, Poetry for the Masses, etc.... And, sometimes I ask myself why do I do these things, I have to question my motives. It is to do some actual good or to just fill my time while I slowly pull my roots out of the soil.

I've been studying for my GRE's all morning at work. And, I'm tried. I didn't sleep well last night so it has made an average Wednesday hard to get through and there is a lot of thoughts on what I am doing and why running through my head.

Why am I going to get my MLS? I don't really want to work but since I have to work is it the best option? Is there a better one? There will probably never be another job as easy as being a VISTA and really doing nothing for as long as I have (which lately I have been using my time behind the desk better by working on revision and studying.)

I think I'm just mad Susan Spillman won some contest and I still haven't finished the re-writes yet.

Maybe I'm a perfectionist after all.

There is so much to think about lately 9did I already state that. I repeat myself a lot sometimes. I should work on that). The GRE's. Finishing the chap book. Both of which have similar deadlines. The book of essays I'm working on. Yoga. This blog and why I have kept it this long but allow hardly no one into it.

Maintaining more clam in my life so there is less crisis.

Sid's camp crisis pissed me off more than I will admit. partly because, yes, I'm selfish. I never wanted to be a full-time parent which is why I fought for Pat to stay in the country every time he tried to deploy and to it's time for a fucking break. The last 8 years of our lives have been these silly little crisis that I put up with when he was young but now I'm done with them. And, he should be too.

Love?

What about love?

Where does that idea fit into my life right now? Maybe it doesn't at all and I just want it to? Because, I when I think of love I want to bend it into something that will fit into my life in a way that makes sense.

A while ago I was having lunch with Kali and she asked me exactly what it was I was looking for and I was blank--I'm never blank. I can always answer a question when posed to me.

I think really--I just want to feel okay with someone.

And, that has always seemed like a lot to ask.