My days are filled with so little some days, in spite of what others think, I really do very little with my time that I find worth wild. I do a lot of small projects that seem like something, but in the end are really only for other's entertainment: ICT FEST, Poetry for the Masses, etc.... And, sometimes I ask myself why do I do these things, I have to question my motives. It is to do some actual good or to just fill my time while I slowly pull my roots out of the soil.

I've been studying for my GRE's all morning at work. And, I'm tried. I didn't sleep well last night so it has made an average Wednesday hard to get through and there is a lot of thoughts on what I am doing and why running through my head.

Why am I going to get my MLS? I don't really want to work but since I have to work is it the best option? Is there a better one? There will probably never be another job as easy as being a VISTA and really doing nothing for as long as I have (which lately I have been using my time behind the desk better by working on revision and studying.)

I think I'm just mad Susan Spillman won some contest and I still haven't finished the re-writes yet.

Maybe I'm a perfectionist after all.

There is so much to think about lately 9did I already state that. I repeat myself a lot sometimes. I should work on that). The GRE's. Finishing the chap book. Both of which have similar deadlines. The book of essays I'm working on. Yoga. This blog and why I have kept it this long but allow hardly no one into it.

Maintaining more clam in my life so there is less crisis.

Sid's camp crisis pissed me off more than I will admit. partly because, yes, I'm selfish. I never wanted to be a full-time parent which is why I fought for Pat to stay in the country every time he tried to deploy and to it's time for a fucking break. The last 8 years of our lives have been these silly little crisis that I put up with when he was young but now I'm done with them. And, he should be too.

Love?

What about love?

Where does that idea fit into my life right now? Maybe it doesn't at all and I just want it to? Because, I when I think of love I want to bend it into something that will fit into my life in a way that makes sense.

A while ago I was having lunch with Kali and she asked me exactly what it was I was looking for and I was blank--I'm never blank. I can always answer a question when posed to me.

I think really--I just want to feel okay with someone.

And, that has always seemed like a lot to ask.