and am all tears and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could sleep; it would be so much easy then sitting in this chair right now so heavy with thought and burden.
Eric doesn't think I listen to him, and so this is why he doesn't talk to me. I think that I do listen to him more than he thinks I do, but he is right, I didn't really give him some time to process before questioning him about what his mother had proposed to transpire during Christmas break. I think that part of the reason I feel the way I feel right now is because he hasn't really told his mother or father that we're dating, and somehow this makes me feel less than important. Maybe he is ashamed of me? Although, I don't really think this is so, and probably really, is just my own insecurities of never really being good enough. I thought I had made a least part of what I said right by offering to clean his apartment up while he has gone so that his mother would feel comfortable there, and so she would be able to relax while she is here. I thought that was my way of saying 'OK, I understand that this is the plan now" and going with it. I also, thought I had told him I was sorry before we left for his recital.
When I was discussing it with my mom afterwards she told me I should have just stayed out of it. I wish I had talk to her first, but it seems lately that I have a problem speaking my mind about certain things and others around me either being hurt by my thoughts/word choice/ feelings or cutting my out of their life completely. I can't help it in some ways. If I feel strongly about something I can not not say something. It goes against my nature. Well, for years I did really just let people walk all over me or I stood back and watch while those I cared about the most were hurt either by their own actions or the actions of others and said nothing. Was that really any better? Looking back at it now it was like I was walking around blind and deaf in some ways. But, I am now learning that no one really wants to hear my thoughts on things because I state them too strongly, and where is the middle ground? Is there any? I don't think so. Tonight, when I was hurt by him telling Tim about how he was doing in school, I don't think he understood that I hadn't really made the connection between him going to East yesterday and that being an action he was taking to succeed because I guess I didn't know all of the details.
I wish he could see that in so many ways we are in the same places. That both he and I are not totally living up to these extremely high standards we have set for ourselves.
And, I thought I was being supportive. I really did. I thought I was cheering him on with the things I have been doing for him. I worked hard today to make sure that his recital went well because I wanted him to be able to feel good about it afterwards. And, at the Vagabond, when I told him that I thought he could be playing more of the things he has composed out; I was not only saying that because I really do think what he is doing with some of that is actually good, but to encourage him to do keep writing because it seems to be a place that he finds real joy.
When he talks about the past, about St. Lucia, I hear and feel the pain he has because he lost his place there. Sometimes I feel like he feels slightly guilty about it too. I know he would rather be there, where it is warm and sunny, teaching and making a difference.
I don't know. Things with Eric have been so different; I have no real skills on how to deal with it. In some ways our relationship is completely the opposite from everything in my past. My past relationships have been all emotional intimacy from the start, but no real day to day closeness. With Eric, I have seen him everyday since the beginning and am becoming used to his presence in my life. I enjoy him being around more than I can express. In a lot of ways, I haven't felt that dark aloneness, or the need to struggle against him. I have been able to take everyday as it comes and him some sides of me that no one has ever seen, partly because no one has ever seem interested or stuck around long enough for me to be capable of doing so.
And, at times I do feel like I've given up some things to make him happy. I let him chose what we're going to listen to most of the time because I just do. And, I don't watch certain things or listen to the radio because I understand that there are just somethings he doesn't or can't be distracted by, but I don't feel like he really understands that I'm doing this for him because I do care about him so much. I want to see him finish what he has started here with school because I think it will one day really pay off in some way, but how do I support him in a way that is meaning full and gratifying to him?
If he were to ask me how I he could support me more, what would I say? I know it would be nice and perhaps helpful if he asked me to read some of the poems from my comps list to him and talk with me about them a little bit, and if he would ask me if I was writing and ask to read the things I am working on and give me a little feedback on them. I asked him what he would need of me and he didn't say anything, only that it wasn't working out for us to be each others 'cheer leaders' but how can I cheer for him if I don't know how? I can ask him if he's practice, but I sort of felt like that would be bugging him in a way that would make him resent me more then appreciate me. I could lead by example but lately I just haven't felt inspired much. I will say that I have felt more inspired since we've started dating, because in some ways now that I have someone in my life that I do care about and who in some ways does make me feel secure, I haven't had to focus that energy on finding him. I find a certain amount of relief in his presence.
Maybe I should go again to bed, and try and find some of that relief now in his arms.
