I did it. I told him to either meet me this weekend in Iowa or it's over. It seems like such a waste. I wish we could have just taken a couple steps back and went about everything a little slower. If we hadn't talked about having childern and getting married so soon, then maybe we won't have had to rush everything else. I don't know. I think if we had made plans to see each other again that would have made it easier too.

I've been crying off and on all day. Cried myself to sleep last night. I'm going to miss him so much if he walks away. He's who I tell about my days. I didn't feel as lonely for a while. I hate being so lonely. I hate coming home and knowing that no one is going to be waiting for me, or cares what I've been up too that day.

I wish I could just get used to it. I wish I liked being alone. It would be so much eaiser.

Well, it isn't the day. I know that I should just leave him. What the hell am I waiting for some miracle? For something to change his mind or clear up his head so he'll get it together, because he's not getting it together and it has been a month. I should just pack it in. I deserve more than this, but I hate to walk away if I'm not totally sure.

If by Sunday nothing has changed. If he hasn't anwsered me and my questions than I'll take down my one pf my profiles he has access too and write the letter to let him know it's over.

Who knows. Maybe he'll come back one day.

If not, there has to be someone else out there that reads and likes good music. It's silly to think he's the only one in the world.

Today maybe the day. He leaves me. God I hope not. I love him so much.

I'm out of coffee

Ahh...I can't believe I'm out of coffee. What the fuck! I never run out of coffee! How did I let this happen? I'm not awake enough to walk across the street and to pick some up right now and my neighbors don't drink coffee.

I finally fell asleep around 3. It looks like you were up late too.My problem lately (well, besides our growing divide) is that I can't seem to get to sleep. Once, I fall asleep I seem to be able to sleep fine, so I decided to sleep in and just woke up a while ago.

At least I'm not hung over. I went out last night to meet Amber and Jen at the Vagabond. Jen couldn't come but Melissa was there so after a glass of wine we headed over to the Blue Lounge. I would have preferred to go to Barleycorns since there was a band playing there but didn't say anything and went a head and went with them. Drinks are two-for-one there on Thursday nights. It's really loud there. They turn up the juke box so loud you have to almost scream to talk. A few years ago when I still lived walking distance from there I would go there a lot on Thursday night. It is also the first bar I ever bar tended at, but it was a rib place then called Rics Rib Rac. Anyway, I had a glass another glass of wine and chatted with Melissa and this guy she's seeing behind her on again off again boyfriend, Mo's, back. They've hit a rough patch again so she's doing what she usually does. I can't remember his name. He seemed nice but I didn't feel right in with it in some ways. She's just going to cause herself more pain in the end, but I don't feel like it's my place to say anything to her either. Anyway, it was OK. When I was in a different place I used to go out all the time because I didn't like being at home by myself but I hardly ever enjoyed it. It seemed like a lot of work for no real payoff. Last night I had a nice time talking with them at the Vagabond but I could have done without the Blue Lounge in some ways. I have always sort of felt that bars are for getting drunk and hooking up. Very rarely do I find myself having a decent conversation, but that could be just me. Most of the people I know aren't into books or the music I listen to so the conversations focus on other subjects and I'm usually not into it. Maybe I'm becoming a snob. Maybe I've always been a snob. I don't like to think I am though, but it may be true. Gossiping is fine for a while but than I sort of lose my patience for it.

I did have a nice talk with one of the Indiekid land girls, Audrey. She didn't care for me at first, partly because I was friends with Mara, and she doesn't care for Mara at all, but lately we have been getting along better and she's really cool. Mix tapes are all the talk lately. The old fashion kind on cassette tape. She's started a company making tapes and has started making some really cool covers for them. We talked about that book Thurston Moore did about the subject. Her boyfriend is friends with him and is going to produce something for him sometime soon. Which is pretty cool. She wants to join the knitting group too. We may go together on Monday for a bit. We both have to work really early the next day so we'll probably only stay an hour or so. I have been asked to be in another art show in November so I may use that time to start putting some ideas and work together.

I should start on my day. I'm going to clean and do some laundry and hang around the house. I have to try and catch up with James too and get the money back I loaned him on Sunday for his rent. I probably shouldn't have loaned it to him but I didn't want to see him on the streets either.

It's been over two weeks since we've spoken. We've never gone that long before. Even we were just pen pals.

I probably sound very devastated. I'll survive and I'll learn from this. I'll remember that it's not smart to let anyone in too close.

I just need some comfort right now and this place where I work out my thoughts is my only comfort in some ways. Well, that and medation. I've been so tried though that when I do sit down and close mt eyes I tend to fall asleep, but then when I go to bed I can't sleep for hours.

I'm going to nap today in my office.

I think tomorrow may be my day to go to the prison to teach again.

No memory or dreams today as this should be a short post before bed, so maybe I can sleep tonight a little bit.

I will say that I think in the end this memory project I am doing will help me in some way. What that way is yet I am not sure. I think it may have to do with the fact instead of hiding from my past the same I passively do I am not looking at it and examining it in a new light. Maybe that will only make sense to me, but that is fine because it is for me.

Today, Bjorn sent me an email telling that I am extreme at times. I have never thought of myself that way before and I thought about it for quite a while. I then had a nice talk with Bill Hawks, who explained to me that I am not really extreme as emotional and I react sometimes strongly, but I am a woman and not a robot. He said I should always do what I feel is right as log as I am not abusing anyone in the process. He said if I am upset and want to delete my profiles or change my mood status that is my right, because I am only hurting myself.

OK, so I do react sometimes when I shouldn't. I know I do. I'm not perfect and I am only human I can only really take so much before I burst. I know that sometimes I should just take a step back and calm down before I open my mouth or put a word down on paper, but sometimes I can't I have to say something right then.

Bill also said some things to me that have lingered with me most of the day and I haven't quite made sense of yet. He reminded me that because my father left me at such a young age that perhaps I still think that all men are either going to hurt me or abuse me, so I will try and make them leave in some way or another even if I do it subconsciously.

I am insecure. I hate to think it's because my father left me that is why I am this way, but I'm sure it it is no matter how much I want to admit it there is probably some truth in that. I'm insecure because my mother didn't really care for me because she had to work all the time and when she wasn't at work she was drunk and screaming about how she never wanted kids to begin with and I forgave her for some of that but it still affects the way I deal with people, and she left me with people who also didn't care about me. Three men abused me before for I was ten and then I was raped when I was 14. I've struggled my whole life to feel worth wild when so may told me I wasn't.



So, I will go ahead and take half the blame for the bad moments and possible failure of my most recent relationship. I tend to think I'm not good enough and need to be reassure a lot, because I do know as a child I never receive enough of that. I was taken advantage of and used. But, after a while I was starting to feel assured. He helped me to trust him in some very small and sweet ways, but then he didn't talk to me about how he truly felt, and that triggered something right at the same moment I was beginning to become very depressed. I have been asking for answers and for some sort of resolution. I did my best to be calm and patient for as long as I could be and than I freaked out and changed some things around on my stupid online profiles and so fourth. I am not perfect and while I am strong in a lot of areas my heart is very weak at times. Especially if I really love someone.

He doesn't tell me that he loves me anymore, that he's hanging onto our friendship.

That hurts. It hurts so much.

I expected to be hurt in this at some point. People hurt those they love even if they don't always mean too. I try very very hard to not hurt or to minimize it if at all possible.


And, he wonders why I act extreme. He told me he was in love with me, so I let him into places that I don't let anyone into. I feel stupid. Like I've fallen for some bad joke. I should have never let him in so far and I don't think I'll do it again. It cause me to become too close.

I don't want to really talk to anyone about it because I know what the responses I'll get. I will be half I told you so and half I'm sorry I really liked him, you were so happy, I thought it would work out.

Love is scared to me. I don't do it easily or lightly.

I will also take the blame for my depression. I felt it coming on and I wasn't keeping up on my supplements that really do make a difference. After just a few days on 5 HTP and I am feeling much better. I have to be responsible for that part of my mental health.

So, yeah maybe I'm a bit emotional at times. Maybe I'm even extreme, but I am suffering.



-------------------------------------

As I close for the night two things that Thich Nhat Hanh reminded me of today as I read some of his words:

in true love there is no room for pride. If you are suffering, every time you are suffering you must go to the person in question and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. It you think your love for this person is true love, you must overcome your pride, you must always go to him or her.

(Isn't this what I was doing at time without always good results)

and,

By listening and calm understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person.

Am I not listening enough to those who I love.

Tomorrow I will listen closely to my love ones and hopefully in turn they listen to me, but if they do not I will not let it affect me too much.

One that keeps me up at night

My second memory--

I was in the babysitters backyard playing by myself. I can't remember her name now. Peggy? Pam? I can still point to the house on Water st. though. It was dusk. The sun was setting and I was wandering around. I know there were no toys because I never played with toys as a child. I had a lot of them but I never played with them. A man came out to the yard from a side door. The house was a duplex. It was the color of pumpkins. I used to call it the pumpkin house. There was a white car, four doors, the back passenger's door was open. He gave me a white peppermint lifesaver and lulled me into the car. I remember that he had dark skin, long black hair and was wearing a white t-shirt and cut off jean shorts that were so short his balls were hanging out. I don't remember anything else.

A few days, weeks (?) later I must have told my mother. From this I remember a long white hallway and her holding my hand for the last time (she really never held my hand after that). Later, driving over to that house. Police being there. My mother yelling at him as he drove up in a van without windows. He was shirtless and wore a straw hat. The police told my mother to be quiet or she would go to jail. I waited in the car. I didn't understand why she was screaming at him or what was wrong really. When she came back she started the car and sped away the four blocks to our house. His girlfriend was a beatiful Native American woman. She lived in the apartment. She had long dark shiney hair that went all the way down her back. Sometimes she would be nice to me when I was shut out of the house. She was screaming too. She was crying as much as my mom.

I was not crying. I would not cry about this for many years later after the flashbacks started.

I never went back to that house.

I did though walked by it almost everyday on my way to school when we still lived in that neighborhood . My friend Joey once, when we were 8 or 9 told me that someday he would blow it up. I've mentioned it in one poem and it may appear in another and I showed it to Bjorn when he came and visited.

I don't think I'll ever need to go by it again.

______________________________

My dreams last night--

I don't remember much except that I was on a bed that was too short and whoever I was with somehow made it longer so our feet wouldn't hang over. He wanted to have sex, but I didn't so he left me. The next things I remember was that I was at a laundry mat talking with my sister's boyfriend about my break-up and crying and he was wearing an eye patch. He gave me an old red truck that was missing it's doors and I was having a hard time driving it for a while. Then I parked it and sat on a cliff and when I came back it had doors again and was newer. It was a very strange dream.


I didn't sleep well again last night. It may have been because I was a bit tipsy when I went to sleep, or my insomnia is coming back as that was the second night in a row that I haven't been able to fall asleep. I've noticed that I am once again sleeping in the middle of the bed, trying to take up as much room as possible and rolling myself tight in the blankets.

If no one can hold me, I will hold myself.

My classes today were just awful. Beyond awful almost. No one was prepared to workshop for Thursday and only half my first class came. My second class was even worse as the two who were suppose to workshop today didn't even show up, but the two who will workshop on Thursday did show up so we'll have their papers to work on and I think I'll give a quiz too. Just because they need one.

I once again have a headache.

I'm going to have to find a job for summer after all because I don't think I'll make it on what I have saved. Anne is looking for a job and she may be able to have me sit her boys while she works and that would be a win/win for both of us. I only need to make around $200 a month to be comfortable. It's not that big of a deal I was just looking forward to not working and looking for a job raises my anxiety levels to a pretty high state. Plus, I know that most places would rather not hire only summer employees as it costs so much to train people to have them quit. I did see one decent job that was summer only at school today that I should look at more tomorrow during my office hours.

What happened to the days when all I had was pancake mix and I was happy. I guess if I didn't need to do some work on my car and pay for some things for Sid it wouldn't seem so bleak.

I think something that is bothering me today is that I have told a few people that I'm pretty depressed and not one of them has called to see if I'm doing any better. I try and reach out to my loved ones when I know they're hurting and sad, maybe this is why so many think I can just get through this tough time on my own. And, really I will. So, I shouldn't dwell on it too much.

While Sid was at piano lessons I was sitting outside in the rain because it smelled nice and although it was cold it felt good when my friend Jared Parsons walked by. He sat down and talked with me for a while and out of nowhere he placed his hand on my leg and just sat there like that for a second and then leaned over gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he had to run. What was that? He is so weird. I get the kiss on the cheek sort of, it's the hand rubbing my thigh I don't understand. A long time ago he asked me to meet him at this show and than didn't talk to me the whole time, which was fine it was a great show and I had a blast. I just don't get what he was doing today.

Joe is on his way over for dinner because I have to host open mike tomorrow. He and his girlfriend broke up and he wants to talk about it some more.

I have all these papers to finish grading still tonight too and I should try and write something and maybe read for an hour.

Do the things that give me some pleasure. Maybe take the dog for a walk too.

--------------------------

Joe just left. We had fun eating dinner and watching some of American Idol and looking at Allmusic.com, which he has a listing on for an album he played on with the Chicken Hawks.We talked about why he and Alex broke up and I guess my feelings were right that she was lying to him about some things. I wish I hadn't been. I wish she had been telling the truth. He asked if I wanted to go to Des Monies with him next Friday. I can't remember which band he said wants him to play with them for a few days on tour. I almost said sure, but something about it just didn't quite feel right. We listened to a couple new mixes I've put together this week and laughed at the kids because they were all so excited about having some ice cream. He told me that I was really good with kids. It was about the nicest compliment any one's said to me in weeks.

Sid's still looking for his lost retainer. I'm hoping we find it soon. He feels so bad about it. I wish I could make him feel better but, I know he won't unless we find it since he won't be getting any allowance for five months if we have to buy him a new one.

I finished grading my second classes papers and most of them did fairly well, which made me feel a little better about my teaching skills. Some of them still need some work, but I think they'll get it by the end of semester if they keep trying.

I wish I could get rid of this headache.

I thought for a minute about trying to make up with Kyle. He sent me an invite to be his friend on this Goodread website but he may have sent it out to all of his friends in his address book. I miss having someone to go to the recycling center on Saturdays with, but now maybe too much time has passed, and it would be just too awkward? I don't know.

I miss Mara too, but I don't know what to say to her either.

If nothing else I think the next time something gets heated between me and a good or decent friend I should just for a moment to calm down. Even though I am usually right, I don't think I state my opinion in way others can handle. Maybe I need to become more feminine or something?

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get my chap book together to send out to a contest. I can't afford the entry fee, but I think I can have EGSA reimburse me for it.

I filled out my FASA today too so today hasn't been a complete waste.

I have been taking too many of those silly quizzes on OKcupid. What a huge time waster in some ways and what a great way to get out on my head in others.

_________________

On a final note we did find Sid's retainer.

Sometimes small miracles do happen.

Damn it! I said I wasn't going to cry today.

I was about three or four, but not old enough to be in school. It was a warm day. The sun was out. My mother was very very upset with me but I can't remember why or what I did to make her so mad, she was screaming at me and I was screaming out the window that I wanted my 'daddy' over and over again. My mother screamed at me something like he's never coming back and walked out the house and left me there. She was gone for hours. It was dark and I went to sleep. The next day she was home again, and didn't say anything about where she had gone. I've always wondered why she came home. The next years I spent more time with baby sitters than her, or maybe I already was spending more time at the sitter's house by then. I can't really remember.

How do you let go of the trauma from your childhood?

Is this why I have abandonment issues?

How do you not let it affect your day to day life and the way you deal with not only yourself but also those you love?

-------------

The rest of my day hasn't been anything worth noting. I slept in because I had a pretty bad migraine. It started as I tried to fall asleep and kept me up have the night. I finally crawled out of bed around 11:30. Spent the morning with Sid, took a bath, got dressed, ran a few errands, and went to workshop, which wasn't too painful. I received some decent comments on my poem. Came home and had dinner with Sid. I ate too much, but what's new? I was asked to guest host open mike on Wednesday at Blank Page, and was invited to see a band on Thursday night at Rack 'EM Up. I may go to that. Who knows? I probably should start going out a little more, but I also haven't finished grading all these papers. I do have five hours of office hours still this week.

Maybe tomorrow Micheal will ask me to teach poetry workshop again. that would be cool. I would really like it.

I found out that my collage work was accepted for the show in November at Blank Page about ten minutes ago.

I feel a little better emotionally today. I don't feel any worse.

I did say that I was sorry in class for only bringing begals because I had forgotten and wasn't doing that well the last few days. No one batted an eye.

Brandy just called, she was the one and only person who was in the least bit upset about my apartment being invaded on Friday and wants to change the locks for me but the maintaince man came and fixed it this morning. She also told me I should probably pack it in. I told her I had felt the same about her and Kevin and she used the time argument for their relationship, but what does time have to do with it really? If you feel strongly about someone time probably has nothing to do with it.

Maybe James is right. Maybe I am only good to date for three months.

I can't let myself believe that though. I'm just so fucking insecure, and now I don't trust him as much as I once did. Which hurts a lot because for a while I trusted him more than I had trusted anyone for so long. I guess we're even now since he doesn't think I'm as strong as he once did so I guess we're even.

We just made a deal to not email serious things after midnight or make unexpected phone calls. I'm glad that I made a suggestion of something I needed and he did too. At least we're explaining what we both need a little clearer. It's been almost two weeks since we've spoken on the phone anyway.

He's being fairly passive again. I've asked him to explain some thing to me and I get no response. I ask him to help me understand where he's at, and he never replies.

I have wondered a lot lately if I wouldn't have been invested in this if we had never daydreamed together about having a future together. I've never done that with anyone including my ex-husband (one day we just got married). I shouldn't have put any stock in those long talks.

They were just like all the times Ian told me he loved me when he was drunk and the next day would say he never said that or that he may have said it but he didn't mean it.

I never do that though. I only say what I really truly mean. I know how bad it hurts when someone doesn't. When someones says something and later takes it back. It hurts so bad.

I know that we need for some things to lighten up a little bit, but I also need to know if I should be moving on to whoever else is out there.

It breaks my heart to even think that way though. It makes my stomach chrun. It's like giving up, and I just don't feel ready to give up yet. It's like Taylor and I say "We're not ready yet." when we're still hanging on to things. She reminded me today that everyone goes through rough spots and it's up to me to decide how much I will or will not take.

Can I take much more?

I don't know.

My dream last night--

I had some strange dreams last night when I did sleep. All I remember is that I was given a diamond ring and it was too big for my ring finger so I had to wear it on my middle finger (which in voo doo it is believed to have a vein that runs from the finger to the heart), but it was a little too big for that finger too. I kept trying not to lose it. It was gold and the diamond was huge and stuck up high from the top. What I can't remember is if he got on one knee or two when he gave it to me.

Last night was fun and sort of surreal. I think I want to write a piece on bachelorette parties. I've been to three in the last year and they were all so strange to me. But, maybe that's just me? I don't know I think I may be onto something though. I'm not so sure why limos are fun except that you don't have to worry about whose drinking and who will do the driving. We went to a dance club on the west side and I danced for the first time in years. I'm just never comfortable in my own skin and I've never been one to dance to show off for men. But, for a few moments last night I closed my eyes and moved around a little and it was nice. I guess.

I have another idea for my second non-fiction piece that is more memory based on my own life but I'm not even sure where I should start that one yet.

I found out today that I need ten pieces for the art show in November. I haven't done any collage work in a while but have a few ideas for some things. I have been gathering materials and thinking about some boxes I would like to create.

I went and had coffee with James hoping to talk for a little bit, but he just wanted to borrow some money for rent and than explained that most people don't want to hear about what's going on in your head, that I am the sort of woman that's probably good to date for three months and not much longer (which was about the oddest thing James has ever said to me and I have wondered all day what his motives were for saying that exactly), and that there has been a lot of talk lately about how 'hot' I am now (compared to how ugly I was at some point?). He told me it was all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room, that was what all men want (I guess it's too late for that for me). They want the women they are with to be stronger than they are because all men are really weak at the core. (Was he trying to make me feel better?)

I almost laughed out loud at that because he has no real idea all the pain I've had to live through. I've never thought of myself as 'crazy' though. In fact, I'm think I'm pretty sane. I may be depressed at the moment. I may be struggling through some things both internal and external but I'm not insane by any means. And, I am not weak. I may have caved and started smoking again, but that does not in any way make me not any more worth wild than I was a few weeks ago. And, I will stop smoking again. And, I may slip again. It's not easy. When I'm freaking out smoking, sadly, helps me to clam down and think because there is a ritual within that act. When you light a cigarette you remove yourself from the moment for a brief period. This becomes like a defensive mechanism. One that I've used for so long now and when I quit the last time, while I had a lot of emotional support and love through it, I didn't have a plan as to what I would do if a moment came up where I was stressed out. I have a plan now, of sorts, anyway and now that I have quit again, I will have to try and apply it. There will always be moments when I'm stressed out and I will have to learn to handle those times. There will always be times when someone hurts me in some way and I will have to learn to not smoke to get through those moments. I don't like being addicted to smoking, because I have always hated it when I have watched my love ones struggle with their own addictions. I understand how hard it is to stop though. I don't criticized them if they slip. I try to just love them through it and hold their hands and praise them when they conquer. I try and remind them that they can do it without making them feel bad about themselves because they probably feel pretty awful already.

One thing I was thinking I should do is when I want a cup of coffee and don't want to go to Panera I should go to the Perk now instead of the Vagabond since they just went non-smoking. At least for a while. I don't know anyone who hangs out there anymore but maybe I'll meet some new people. I wish Wichita would just go smoke-free already. It would be better for everyone.

Mo told me if I had been wearing something sexier he would have taken my picture. I didn't tell him how I hate to have my picture my taken. And, what the flower prairie dress I found in my closet with the DAV tag still on it, isn't sexy? Who is he to decided what is sexy and what is not. I guess his comments got under my skin a little bit because I felt attractive today. My hair looked great and my bangs are finally at a nice length.

I've told five people that my apartment was invaded on Friday night, and no one has seemed in the least bit concerned. I'm not sure why I told anyone about it. I'm glad I'm not dead. But, it doesn't look like anyone would have noticed anyway.

Happiness is fleeting, but then so is sadness.

I tried to take a nap while Sid played outside with his friends. Jack barked the whole time and the kids ran in and out. It was sort of funny. When I got up I made some dinner and Krammer came by to chat. We talked a lot about her latest mess with Kelly, and she gave me some homeopathic pain pills for my shoulders. It was nice to see her but I wish she would stop getting so involved with those people we both know who are doing such hard drugs. I hate having to be so tough with her about it but I don't think anyone else is really.

She was a tad bit shocked when I told her that I don't believe in soul mates, or true love, or falling in love.

I do believe in real love.

Real love takes work and time.

I tend to make wishes. A lot of them. It seems so silly sometimes. Today, I haven't made one. I've been making the same wish for months now. I think of wishes like short prayers. Maybe I'll say more about that tomorrow. I don't think I would make wished but sometimes they do come true.

Tomorrow, I have to start getting somethings in order. I have to make a list:

I need to fill out my FASA, grade papers, pick up a snack for class, print the poems for class, give Albert what I do have for mt thesis, find out when the fellowship app is due, see if I can download the drivers again for the dvd burner for this laptop, go to the gym, call and check my bank and credit card balances, and look at the job at Wesley that Krammer told me about for summer,call about the library tour for my students, and go to class. I don't have to prepare for class tomorrow at least.

Ok, now that I have that all down. I think I can go to sleep. I'm going to start taking 5-HTP again and see if that helps to perk up my mood. Can't hurt it any.

I should be out looking for a better gift for the party I'm going to tonight, but instead I'm at home trying to decide what to wear tonight. Maybe I won't buy another gift. What's wrong with a yellow vintage nightie. I was taught to appreciate the person who gives you the gift and not the gift.

I guess I feel a bit bad too because I splurged on myself and order a new dress online just now, but it's to wear to her wedding! I guess I feel bad too because, I know how broke I am and I shouldn't really be buying myself a brand new dress, but I haven't bought myself a brand new dress in so long! Something like a year at least. OK, I'm not going to dwell on this. It's OK to do nice things for just me sometimes.

And, I'll find a job somewhere this summer and will be able to pay off my credit card for the car repairs and everything money wise will be fine.

I have to quit smoking again on Monday and start taking something for my depression. There is no real reason as to I have a bottle of 5 htp and St. Johns Wort. I may be out of Kava Kava, but I don't think that it really works as well as the other two for me.

I hate inaction and it's time to do something.

The last time I felt really happy was right before my birthday. Spring sometimes does this to me. I remember feeling a little blue last year right around this time when I was writing songs with Allison (who I should have went and saw last night) maybe it has something to do with the weather changing?

But, things were a bit better in March though. I wasn't smoking and I was trying to walk at least a couple times a week. I was feeling a little better mentally and physically. I had no idea what I was going to do but it felt OK because things felt like they were going to be OK. Like everything was heading the on a path where things would work out in the right way.


I had some faith and belief that things were going to still work out with Bjorn and I in some way or another, we were still having more positive interactions then negative ones, I have all these emails from him saying he misses me and loves me, now we're in what I fear a sort of emotional deficient and I think there's one two ways to fix it either break it off, or see each other again and see if any of what we felt three months ago is still there. Everyday I feel myself care a little less.

I was thinking about how when Nathan and I were breaking up I gave him four days to decide what he wanted to do because he asked for some time to work it out in his head. When he drove here to tell me his choice I felt relieved in some ways. I'm not sure why I have been so patient with Bjorn, but every time I think of cutting him out of my life I start of to feel sick to my stomach. I haven't really been able to keep any food down. I thought today that I would start slowly taking the things I have from him, one item at a time and put them away in the suitcase and when I tried to put a letter in there I started to cry.

It's not fair. This is not who I am. I'm stronger than this. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is he under my skin so deep. I've reread all our emails a dozen times now trying to understand how this all happened. Why this happened. Why can't I just pack it fucking in alrealdy?

Is this what love is?

I do love him. There's no way around that. I wish there was.

I have to start making things feel better again. Or at least be able to keep my food down and not burst into tears all the time.


Last, night, late when I was sleeping, Jacks jumped off the bed and started barking and growling. He doesn't usually growl. I started for the kitchen just as the back door slammed. The locks are broke and I called someone to come and fix them but they never showed up. I should have called the cops but I was so scared I just crawled into my bed and started to cry till I fell back to sleep.

It's 2:30 and no one has called me yet to tell me where I should meet everyone tonight for the party. Maybe they won't call and I won't have to go. Part of me secretly hopes that they don't. Maybe I gave them the wrong phone number. If they don't call by 4:00 I'll just plan on staying home alone again tonight. There are worse things I could do really.

Three months ago today I was in Iowa laying in a hotel room falling deeply in love. It seems for some reason important to acknowledge this date. I have never told a man that I love them before they say it first and I think I did that night because it felt so right for the first time in so many years. I had stopped believing that love like that was even possible. It was the stuff in movies but it was not real life. In real life, love like that doesn't happen.

My friend, Jason, explained to me that time travel was not really possible. That there was no way to go back in time so we might as well always focus on the here and now.

So, right now I am alone in my living room on a Friday with a towel on my head and watching bad television. That is just where my life is right now, but it won't always be this way. It will get better.

My dreams were so odd last night. I wish I could remember them better now. They seemed so real and not dreamlike at all. Once when I was dreaming I had to remind myself that I was dreaming and not living life. At one part I was lying on a blanket in a town square in the sun. I wasn't alone but I'm not sure excatly who I was with now, and the sun felt so warm on my face.

Eric is upset that I'm not coming up. He even tried to give me some money to come up, but I'm just not in the mood today. I wish I was but I'm just not. He's a good friend though and understands. He talk me down off the cliff just now. Reminded me that I'm not making a big deal out of all this and even if I am that's OK too. He agreed with me about my thoughts on the Sid issue and that maybe he is making a bigger deal about it then it really is.

Today, I am going to try and do jsut a couple of things that make used to make me happy, but I have to figure out what those are. I really just want to be outside but it's just a tad too cold and windy to really sit outside today.

I know that in the end it all comes down to Sid. I've been thinking about this fact all day. He knows he's a great kid, which he is, but isn't ready to take on that aspect of my life. I understand that in some ways and don't in others. I think this is mainly because I've never been rejected because of my child. It's never been an issue so I'm not sure what to do.

He hasn't spent any time around Sid, but the one time he did Sid acted like a jackass. Brandy and Melissa keep telling me that this is where the problem started, but I don't think so I think that maybe it started before then.

Brandy thinks that all men are jealous of a women's children. Which sounds like about the silliest think I've ever heard.

I know that he's confused and scared of having to take on some sort of role in Sid's life, and while I don't understand that in some ways I'm trying too. Sid has a father though, so I'm not sure what role he thinks he has to take on besides that of being a friend. I think he thinks that at some point he's have to tell Sid what to do or deal with him in that way and doesn't feel ready for that task. I don't know how to tell him anymore than I already have that it won't happen overnight. These things take time. I feel like he's made it a much bigger issue than it really is, and than I feel bad for thinking that way because I have no right to judge how he feels.

Sometimes it feels like he isn't even willing to try and what do I say to that? Really is there anything I can say to that? It makes me fell a bit angry as I sort of feel he should have worked this worked this out before we meet. He always knew I had a child. It wasn't like I surprised him when we meet or anything. Ahhh.....

Once, he told me he knew he would love Sid. I shouldn't have believed that statement. I should have taken it as just the way people talk when they're first falling in love or something. I thought it was OK that I had Sid since he said he wanted children. I wish I hadn't trusted those statements the way I did.

I don't know. Most of my older girlfriends think I should just pack it in, but it just doesn't seem that easy and when I think about it I feel like I'm going to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling all around.

The last few days things have seem to have gotten a little bit better, like we're both trying to work things out just a little more, but we still don't have any plans to see each other again, so really everything is still up in the air. I should be talking to him about all this and not writing about it but I'm afraid to put any more pressure on him. I'm scared of what he'll say and I also know that I can't make him be ready or change his mind. He has to do those things on his own. In my silliest moments I want to think that the fact that we love each other so much that we can make it work.

Right now I just feel really really cheated by fate.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Whenever I start to think about it I just want to cry, my stomach gets all knotted up.

I miss the sound of his voice, and his fingers on my ears, and the way it feels to lay next to him, and talking to him about nothing, and holding his hand, and talking to him in the dark. I miss him. I wish I didn't miss him, but I do.

Maybe with time it will just pass.

I'm a broke record who can't have her cake and eat it too.

In other news,

Sid has been a great mood lately. All his grades have gone up. He wakes up happy and smiling. He doesn't give me too hard of a time except about getting off the computer and and washing his face. I think I'm going to make some sort of flow sheet to help him keep track of some things like computer time and practicing his piano.

I was going to go to Lawrence this weekend and see Eric but I feel like I have too many papers to grade and I'm just not in the mood to go to far from home right now. Plus, I have so many papers to grade.

I am going to go to my high school friend Heather's bachorlette party on Saturday though. I wasn't going to but we're going to be riding in a limo and I've never ridden in a limo. I know how silly that sounds but it may be my only chance to do so.

Last night, Joe was the only one who came over for family dinner. I was drunk before 9 and we sat on the couch talking about his life. I gave him some advice that seemed so simple and easy. When I asked for some back he reminded me that my life isn't that easy or black or white, but told me that he thought Sid was a great kid and he hopes to always be in our life in some way. He also joked with me about how it was sad that we never felt gushy for each other, as our lives would be a lot easier if we had. We joked about our one of our two dates and how they were both so awkward . It was sweet, and he's right. We're not right for each other or we would have already been together. He's a good friend to the two of us though.

I was asked to be in another art show but I can't find any pictures of my work to show them which they need to really decide. I'm not sure if I even have any want to make any new art right now but I guess it is something I could do over the summer.

When was the last time I really laugh?

I wish I could remember.

I may go out tonight. It's my friend Jared's birthday, but I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to be around anyone other than myself. I don't have to work tomorrow though. I don't know. I need to get out of this funk. Start writing again.

God, I wish I could just write a few lines.

Then at least I would feel like I was doing something worth wild beside grading papers.

I wish I could eat without getting sick.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Tired.

I'm so tried today. I slept last night but today I have just felt really really tired. I even look tried. I have been trying to get back on my sleep schedule so maybe once I'm back on top of that I'll feel a lot better.

Today, has been decent. I taught two classes, had lunch in my office, and while I was doing that was asked at the last minute to fill in for the poetry workshop instructor. I didn't have any time to prepare so I had to go in cold, but I think I did a pretty decent job. It's was a bit odd to teach a 400 level class when there were a few people that were older than I am in the room. I could tell one guy wasn't sure what to think but I think by the end of the class he had warmed up a little bit. It was also funny how much they complained about Hathaway. I know it's wrong but it made me feel a little better about my own run-ins with her over the years. I also realized again what sort of teacher I want to be and I hope that one day I will be. I really like student centered learning and I think I should do a bit more research on that soon.

Sid and I had some fun family time tonight. We laid in bed and watched a movie. The movie wasn't really that great but we did laugh a lot and watched Fred try and eat out popcorn. I'm glad we did that together. The other day I was complaining about how he never really wants to spend time with me anymore and how I'm realizing that I missed out sometimes when I felt too busy to 'play' with him. He's growing up so fast. He's walking places be himself now and almost totally taking care of himself, but not quite, but he's getting closer all the time.

I've tried not to dwell too much on anything today, but he's been in my thoughts on and off all day. All the things I wish I could say to him, but how I just don't have the words and even if I did I'm not sure I would allow myself to say them. I'm always insecure that I say too much and now I'm really afraid to say too much, that if I let myself getting any closer than I am already am what will happen? Sometimes I worry I told him too much too soon. Some of the things he knows I've never told anyone in fear that they won't be able to handle it and I'm still not sure why I told him as much as I did and so soon too. I'm afraid I told him I love him too many times.

But, what else was I suppose to do?

I was looking at my day planner today wishing that we had a date on the calendar again. I dreamt last night about being in Iowa with him and felt so sad when I woke up because I'm starting to understand that maybe I'll never seen him again. That now it is a very real possibility and not just me being my weird insecure self. I daydreamed today about being in Iowa next weekend even if it was by myself just for some sort of relief.

I know how dumb that sounds. I feel so numb right now and all the tears I have been holding back all day are coming up to the surface again. I feel silly for missing him so much when he's so confused.

Every time I think about moving on it seems unfair to do so just because he's confused, but when I told my mom that she said I was crazy. But, isn't it? How can I say that I love him and mean it if I just walk away because he's confused? It seems wasteful and hasty, or something.


I don't know.

Maybe she's right.

Or, maybe I'm beginning to sound like a broken record.