It's been a week since I haven't heard from him
Maybe he's dead.
I'm a mess.
I had missed him here and there over the last few weeks, but it was manageable till yesterday. I'm blaming it on yoga. My instructor said we were doing some heart charka opening poses.
It may have to do with I went out with a guy I know. It was a date. He's vaguely interesting, nice looking, intelligent, but he talked through the movie we watched together and he tried in settle ways to argue with me about things.
Okay, it's true, I don't like to be challenged on some topics. I think everyone should have healthcare, and vote, this is not a reason to question my motives. And, he doesn't vote. I can't live with that. Yes, I know that we probably have as much of a corrupt system as any other country but it's my right as a woman, a right not many other women have in this world.
And he challenges me in a way I don't care for.
I want to be liked for who I am today.
What I really want to do--
cry...
Monday, August 2, 2010
Where to start--
1. I'm at work today only because I thought we had a 12pm meeting with the advisory board, but it was canceled and no one told me. I should have at least gotten an email. Another day wasted at a desk doing nothing but reading the NY Times and waiting for email. Since neither of them are here though, I'm skipping out early. I see no reason to stay under these conditions.
Update--my boss just called, meeting still on and in 15 minutes. Now, I have to go and scramble to find some lunch to feed these people.
Update 2--got lunch. Only one person should up for the meeting. Waste of 15 dollars.
2. ICT Fest was a mild success overall. All the bands got to play but one. There was no air conditioning and I didn't lose any money. In fact, I made more money this year than last. I'm not sure if I can do it again next year though. It may be time to turn the fest over to someone else.
3. I haven't heard from Jason in almost a week and I don't know if I should be upset or worried or both. Either way it doesn't see very fair. And, I miss him and his words. I know he left the country today so I expected some radio silence but I guess I didn't know they turned off the internet in Virgina. I have a few ideas while he hasn't written me--1. He's dead and forgot the card I sent him at home and so no one knows to call me. 2. He got back together with one of his ex's and the ran off and got married. 3. He was so busy he forgot to write and he'll be sending me a very long email in 15 days explaining it all and ask for forgiveness.
Really, in all these scenarios he should write.
I have more to say about this but I'm not ready. I haven't sorted it all out inmy head yet.
4. I quit smoking today and I already hate it.
1. I'm at work today only because I thought we had a 12pm meeting with the advisory board, but it was canceled and no one told me. I should have at least gotten an email. Another day wasted at a desk doing nothing but reading the NY Times and waiting for email. Since neither of them are here though, I'm skipping out early. I see no reason to stay under these conditions.
Update--my boss just called, meeting still on and in 15 minutes. Now, I have to go and scramble to find some lunch to feed these people.
Update 2--got lunch. Only one person should up for the meeting. Waste of 15 dollars.
2. ICT Fest was a mild success overall. All the bands got to play but one. There was no air conditioning and I didn't lose any money. In fact, I made more money this year than last. I'm not sure if I can do it again next year though. It may be time to turn the fest over to someone else.
3. I haven't heard from Jason in almost a week and I don't know if I should be upset or worried or both. Either way it doesn't see very fair. And, I miss him and his words. I know he left the country today so I expected some radio silence but I guess I didn't know they turned off the internet in Virgina. I have a few ideas while he hasn't written me--1. He's dead and forgot the card I sent him at home and so no one knows to call me. 2. He got back together with one of his ex's and the ran off and got married. 3. He was so busy he forgot to write and he'll be sending me a very long email in 15 days explaining it all and ask for forgiveness.
Really, in all these scenarios he should write.
I have more to say about this but I'm not ready. I haven't sorted it all out inmy head yet.
4. I quit smoking today and I already hate it.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Dream remembered while walking the dogs
I was working at some sort of home for children who had problems, and I was late as usual and when I got there Sid was missing.He was not his self as his is now, but his smaller self with blonde hair and rounder face. I knew that he was suppose to be there but no one could find him for some reason. The house was all orange and brown and there was a woman vacuuming the halls and the rooms and the house was in general disrepair. I kept calling and calling him and he wouldn't answer. I was calling him the way I call the dog when he runs away.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I miss that game freeze frame that we played at the roller rink when i was a kid on four wheels on each foot and the DJ would call out freeze and everybody would stop an hold their position for a moment or two. When I was really young I thought the whole world must have stopped too, and I could walk around and catch my breath before I missed too much more.
The week went so fast. What was I doing this time last week? Was I waiting and feeling nervous. Probably... I had on my new skirt and white summer blouse and tried to decide if it was too much or not and then it was hot when I got home so I just changed into shorts and I wasn't nervous after 4? That's odd. Hmm...
Forcing myself to stay on this schedule of studying and writing is like being constrained in some ways. And, the more I study for my GRE the more my score goes down. Testing like this does not really show my true intelligence and I know that, but why does it make me feel so unintelligent when I watch my scores drop. Why am I jumping through this hoop for grad school? To get a job? When what I want is to not be tied down to anything at all. To let my wandering self out to travel. Maybe somewhere down the line I was related to Irish Travelers?
I have to maintain focus. I would take more B vitamins but they give me anxiety.
I'm still not sleeping.
I still haven't found a pen that does what I want it to do.
Okay, I'm complaining out loud because I am restless, bored, and lonely today.
Although, this is not really out loud this is on a blog that no one reads so it doesn't really count.
The week went so fast. What was I doing this time last week? Was I waiting and feeling nervous. Probably... I had on my new skirt and white summer blouse and tried to decide if it was too much or not and then it was hot when I got home so I just changed into shorts and I wasn't nervous after 4? That's odd. Hmm...
Forcing myself to stay on this schedule of studying and writing is like being constrained in some ways. And, the more I study for my GRE the more my score goes down. Testing like this does not really show my true intelligence and I know that, but why does it make me feel so unintelligent when I watch my scores drop. Why am I jumping through this hoop for grad school? To get a job? When what I want is to not be tied down to anything at all. To let my wandering self out to travel. Maybe somewhere down the line I was related to Irish Travelers?
I have to maintain focus. I would take more B vitamins but they give me anxiety.
I'm still not sleeping.
I still haven't found a pen that does what I want it to do.
Okay, I'm complaining out loud because I am restless, bored, and lonely today.
Although, this is not really out loud this is on a blog that no one reads so it doesn't really count.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My days are filled with so little some days, in spite of what others think, I really do very little with my time that I find worth wild. I do a lot of small projects that seem like something, but in the end are really only for other's entertainment: ICT FEST, Poetry for the Masses, etc.... And, sometimes I ask myself why do I do these things, I have to question my motives. It is to do some actual good or to just fill my time while I slowly pull my roots out of the soil.
I've been studying for my GRE's all morning at work. And, I'm tried. I didn't sleep well last night so it has made an average Wednesday hard to get through and there is a lot of thoughts on what I am doing and why running through my head.
Why am I going to get my MLS? I don't really want to work but since I have to work is it the best option? Is there a better one? There will probably never be another job as easy as being a VISTA and really doing nothing for as long as I have (which lately I have been using my time behind the desk better by working on revision and studying.)
I think I'm just mad Susan Spillman won some contest and I still haven't finished the re-writes yet.
Maybe I'm a perfectionist after all.
There is so much to think about lately 9did I already state that. I repeat myself a lot sometimes. I should work on that). The GRE's. Finishing the chap book. Both of which have similar deadlines. The book of essays I'm working on. Yoga. This blog and why I have kept it this long but allow hardly no one into it.
Maintaining more clam in my life so there is less crisis.
Sid's camp crisis pissed me off more than I will admit. partly because, yes, I'm selfish. I never wanted to be a full-time parent which is why I fought for Pat to stay in the country every time he tried to deploy and to it's time for a fucking break. The last 8 years of our lives have been these silly little crisis that I put up with when he was young but now I'm done with them. And, he should be too.
Love?
What about love?
Where does that idea fit into my life right now? Maybe it doesn't at all and I just want it to? Because, I when I think of love I want to bend it into something that will fit into my life in a way that makes sense.
A while ago I was having lunch with Kali and she asked me exactly what it was I was looking for and I was blank--I'm never blank. I can always answer a question when posed to me.
I think really--I just want to feel okay with someone.
And, that has always seemed like a lot to ask.
I've been studying for my GRE's all morning at work. And, I'm tried. I didn't sleep well last night so it has made an average Wednesday hard to get through and there is a lot of thoughts on what I am doing and why running through my head.
Why am I going to get my MLS? I don't really want to work but since I have to work is it the best option? Is there a better one? There will probably never be another job as easy as being a VISTA and really doing nothing for as long as I have (which lately I have been using my time behind the desk better by working on revision and studying.)
I think I'm just mad Susan Spillman won some contest and I still haven't finished the re-writes yet.
Maybe I'm a perfectionist after all.
There is so much to think about lately 9did I already state that. I repeat myself a lot sometimes. I should work on that). The GRE's. Finishing the chap book. Both of which have similar deadlines. The book of essays I'm working on. Yoga. This blog and why I have kept it this long but allow hardly no one into it.
Maintaining more clam in my life so there is less crisis.
Sid's camp crisis pissed me off more than I will admit. partly because, yes, I'm selfish. I never wanted to be a full-time parent which is why I fought for Pat to stay in the country every time he tried to deploy and to it's time for a fucking break. The last 8 years of our lives have been these silly little crisis that I put up with when he was young but now I'm done with them. And, he should be too.
Love?
What about love?
Where does that idea fit into my life right now? Maybe it doesn't at all and I just want it to? Because, I when I think of love I want to bend it into something that will fit into my life in a way that makes sense.
A while ago I was having lunch with Kali and she asked me exactly what it was I was looking for and I was blank--I'm never blank. I can always answer a question when posed to me.
I think really--I just want to feel okay with someone.
And, that has always seemed like a lot to ask.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Two Years
And, in some ways it really feels much longer than two years ago that my friend KC Hayward died. It feels like it happened years and years ago, but it has only been two years.
And, in other ways, it feels like it just happened yesterday or a week ago. That the time is moving much faster than I can keep up with it and this is disturbing to me in some ways.
KC, who told three men and his finace that I was the best lover he had ever had, and at some point I was romantically involve with all three of them. The longest being Ike, who is getting married on Saturday.
It was strange how KC's death bought some of us back together, those who had not talked in years for that short span a couple of months, while he was in the coma and during the three funerals. Most of them have stayed close and in touch but I have not really. I have backed off because the things they do don't always interest me. Bluegrass and PBR. Crafts and gardening. I can't even keep my flowers alive most days and I hate PBR. Bluegrass I can do sometimes but have always been more of a punk rock girl for good reasons.
I had forgotten about this day. About this anniversary and then was reminded by others. Yesterday, I was going through a drawer of pictures in my desk and came across the ones I have of KC when we were our closest.
He always bought joy and adventure to my life. I miss him for that. As, does so many others.
R.I.P. my friend.
And, in other ways, it feels like it just happened yesterday or a week ago. That the time is moving much faster than I can keep up with it and this is disturbing to me in some ways.
KC, who told three men and his finace that I was the best lover he had ever had, and at some point I was romantically involve with all three of them. The longest being Ike, who is getting married on Saturday.
It was strange how KC's death bought some of us back together, those who had not talked in years for that short span a couple of months, while he was in the coma and during the three funerals. Most of them have stayed close and in touch but I have not really. I have backed off because the things they do don't always interest me. Bluegrass and PBR. Crafts and gardening. I can't even keep my flowers alive most days and I hate PBR. Bluegrass I can do sometimes but have always been more of a punk rock girl for good reasons.
I had forgotten about this day. About this anniversary and then was reminded by others. Yesterday, I was going through a drawer of pictures in my desk and came across the ones I have of KC when we were our closest.
He always bought joy and adventure to my life. I miss him for that. As, does so many others.
R.I.P. my friend.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Why do so many of us pick the wrong lovers--
I am going through it today.
I haven't ate today because I don't eat when I'm upset. The problem here--I'm not even exactly sure what I'm upset about.
That's a lie.
I do.
I just wish I didn't.
I am being forced to face my own dark demons, because some people just make you do so, even if you're not ready or want too.
And, perhaps, just maybe, I prefer to know that are they there but keep them at bay the best I can.
I am not ready to face this truth because I really do not know how to say 'no' when a section of my heart may or may not be involved.
After Bjorn and I parted and my short lived affair with Kyle I realized I only date me who are in some way unattainable. Okay, that was a breakthrough for me. An important one at that. Then I meet Eric. I didn't even like him at first. But when we ran into each other again things just fell into place and I thought that some part of me could help him so I hung on much too long to what should have just been a rebound and ended finally after under what some would call tragic circumstances of unwanted children and manic episodes. And when it finally ended, I was the happiest I had been in so long I had forgotten what it felt like to be really happy.
So, I moved on without knowing that in a few short months I would again repeat all my self destructive patterns so fiercely and quickly. Not knowing that one first man would call me out on these things so quickly and another would make me stand up and really try and face them.
Nathan, who I call married artist most of the time, was who called me out. "Married artist' is his code name, because unless I am serious with a man they end up having code names. I also do this with my girlfriends. Their collections of men and boys always are given code names too. It is our common language. It is how we keep it all straight.
No one before Nathan had. Like there was nothing wrong with my constant floating around. It was he who called to my attention that I am something to be admired and cared for; although, he is in some sort of confusing open marriage himself (which is why we are nothing more than close friends).
I have spent a lot of time just thinking about this fact about myself. Adsorb myself into this idea of why I only an attracted to the unattainable. I still have no answers for this except that it could come from the years of sexual abuse that while I don't allow to effect my daily life must still affect my subconsciousness in some way, and my missing father and for the most part my mother. Somewhere along the way I have decided I am not worthy enough to really be loved in a decent and sane way.
I really don't want to be this way anymore. I want to change. I just don't know how. I don't know where to start or how to start, but knowing that I want to change is gotta be half the battle. Or at least I hope so.
Kirbys was odd tonight. I went there because I have been out of sorts all day. Because I am confused and know that 20x20 space is one place where I am safe. Sol and Paul would be there. They are good and decent bartenders. I went there tonight because a good bartender misses nothing and I knew Nathan would be there. Paul and Sol are always able to read from my drink order and the look on my face what mood I am in, and lately Sol always adds; "Whoever he is, he's not worth it" when I order a whiskey. Because it is whiskey that I drink when I am nervous or upset or about to say something that could get me in a lot of trouble. It is how I order the whiskey that is important. Is it a shot with a water back, or a tall with coke or water? These are are tale-tale signs of my mood and metal state. If I am drinking beer or wine there is not too much to worry about except I may flirt a bit, but I will be fine.
Nathan was there for a moment when I first arrived and he told me all about his show in KC and I was happy to hear about it, and then came back and we talked some more about his big show in KC tomorrow and it was that talk put me to ease for the first time today (and a brief talk with a very nice married couple form OKC) because I didn't have to think about myself for a brief moment. Our common theme is always fire. I never have a lighter and he always finds a way to light my cigarette even if that means finding matches from the bar. This is the sort of attention that makes me care for him as a friend. I also think he is an amazing artist even though most of our conversations are odd and forced. I think he has made the lobes of his ears bigger as of late and he always gives the best hugs.
Really, what I wanted tonight was to be a bit invisible and sort out my thoughts a bit. To come to terms with some things which still have yet to happen, but I will get back to that later.
Sometimes, I think it would be divine to be in a place where no one knew anything about me but what I want to tell them. I could make up elaborate stories of my life before. Although, these days I feel self important enough to be truthful. I feel like I have finally made a place for myself in Wichita where I have no need to hide or be ashamed of anything that has happened before and now that I am thinking about going back to school (well, I have made up my mind and now it is all just a matter of getting accepted and doing the work)and PTFM's and ICT FEST going well I have no reason to think that anyone is above me.
Now, I want to leave Wichita not because I feel trapped here but because there is so much I want to see and do. I've become really excited about where my life could be in a couple of years. What adventures I could be going on. Thus far, I have made every dream I have had come true. Well, all except one...
I think I may have scared Jason off today with an email of true confession. If not, he is a very strong man, albeit, almost the same height as me and lately I've realized I do have a psychical type. This is a new development. I am usually so fickle. He usually has written me back by now, but maybe I have pushed him away a bit. I am sure I have confused him.
What I wanted to be was honest with him about the last week, but I don't have to be and that is where things get murky. I prefer brutal honesty even if it hurts someone along the way. It is easy to get over then being lied to or lead on,not that I feel either is happening to me today but I am watching it happen to someone I don't know and it bothers me and I'm not sure why).
I'm going to sleep on it...
There is so much more to say.
I haven't ate today because I don't eat when I'm upset. The problem here--I'm not even exactly sure what I'm upset about.
That's a lie.
I do.
I just wish I didn't.
I am being forced to face my own dark demons, because some people just make you do so, even if you're not ready or want too.
And, perhaps, just maybe, I prefer to know that are they there but keep them at bay the best I can.
I am not ready to face this truth because I really do not know how to say 'no' when a section of my heart may or may not be involved.
After Bjorn and I parted and my short lived affair with Kyle I realized I only date me who are in some way unattainable. Okay, that was a breakthrough for me. An important one at that. Then I meet Eric. I didn't even like him at first. But when we ran into each other again things just fell into place and I thought that some part of me could help him so I hung on much too long to what should have just been a rebound and ended finally after under what some would call tragic circumstances of unwanted children and manic episodes. And when it finally ended, I was the happiest I had been in so long I had forgotten what it felt like to be really happy.
So, I moved on without knowing that in a few short months I would again repeat all my self destructive patterns so fiercely and quickly. Not knowing that one first man would call me out on these things so quickly and another would make me stand up and really try and face them.
Nathan, who I call married artist most of the time, was who called me out. "Married artist' is his code name, because unless I am serious with a man they end up having code names. I also do this with my girlfriends. Their collections of men and boys always are given code names too. It is our common language. It is how we keep it all straight.
No one before Nathan had. Like there was nothing wrong with my constant floating around. It was he who called to my attention that I am something to be admired and cared for; although, he is in some sort of confusing open marriage himself (which is why we are nothing more than close friends).
I have spent a lot of time just thinking about this fact about myself. Adsorb myself into this idea of why I only an attracted to the unattainable. I still have no answers for this except that it could come from the years of sexual abuse that while I don't allow to effect my daily life must still affect my subconsciousness in some way, and my missing father and for the most part my mother. Somewhere along the way I have decided I am not worthy enough to really be loved in a decent and sane way.
I really don't want to be this way anymore. I want to change. I just don't know how. I don't know where to start or how to start, but knowing that I want to change is gotta be half the battle. Or at least I hope so.
Kirbys was odd tonight. I went there because I have been out of sorts all day. Because I am confused and know that 20x20 space is one place where I am safe. Sol and Paul would be there. They are good and decent bartenders. I went there tonight because a good bartender misses nothing and I knew Nathan would be there. Paul and Sol are always able to read from my drink order and the look on my face what mood I am in, and lately Sol always adds; "Whoever he is, he's not worth it" when I order a whiskey. Because it is whiskey that I drink when I am nervous or upset or about to say something that could get me in a lot of trouble. It is how I order the whiskey that is important. Is it a shot with a water back, or a tall with coke or water? These are are tale-tale signs of my mood and metal state. If I am drinking beer or wine there is not too much to worry about except I may flirt a bit, but I will be fine.
Nathan was there for a moment when I first arrived and he told me all about his show in KC and I was happy to hear about it, and then came back and we talked some more about his big show in KC tomorrow and it was that talk put me to ease for the first time today (and a brief talk with a very nice married couple form OKC) because I didn't have to think about myself for a brief moment. Our common theme is always fire. I never have a lighter and he always finds a way to light my cigarette even if that means finding matches from the bar. This is the sort of attention that makes me care for him as a friend. I also think he is an amazing artist even though most of our conversations are odd and forced. I think he has made the lobes of his ears bigger as of late and he always gives the best hugs.
Really, what I wanted tonight was to be a bit invisible and sort out my thoughts a bit. To come to terms with some things which still have yet to happen, but I will get back to that later.
Sometimes, I think it would be divine to be in a place where no one knew anything about me but what I want to tell them. I could make up elaborate stories of my life before. Although, these days I feel self important enough to be truthful. I feel like I have finally made a place for myself in Wichita where I have no need to hide or be ashamed of anything that has happened before and now that I am thinking about going back to school (well, I have made up my mind and now it is all just a matter of getting accepted and doing the work)and PTFM's and ICT FEST going well I have no reason to think that anyone is above me.
Now, I want to leave Wichita not because I feel trapped here but because there is so much I want to see and do. I've become really excited about where my life could be in a couple of years. What adventures I could be going on. Thus far, I have made every dream I have had come true. Well, all except one...
I think I may have scared Jason off today with an email of true confession. If not, he is a very strong man, albeit, almost the same height as me and lately I've realized I do have a psychical type. This is a new development. I am usually so fickle. He usually has written me back by now, but maybe I have pushed him away a bit. I am sure I have confused him.
What I wanted to be was honest with him about the last week, but I don't have to be and that is where things get murky. I prefer brutal honesty even if it hurts someone along the way. It is easy to get over then being lied to or lead on,not that I feel either is happening to me today but I am watching it happen to someone I don't know and it bothers me and I'm not sure why).
I'm going to sleep on it...
There is so much more to say.
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