Yesterday, I lost it in more ways than one. Part of it was the not smoking, and part was p.m.s. I hardly ever lose my temper, but when I do it scares even me. Poor Sid had to deal with it, and a broken Playstation 2, the only real thing he wanted for Christmas. We had a huge fight. The kind where everyone just feels bad in the end. When I was younger I hated those sorts of fights with my own mother, and I hate them even more with my child. I have a hard time learning lessons, and I am sure it will not be the last. I think I need to learn to step back before leaping.
But this is a lesson I need in so many areas of my life, and who knows where I should really start.
Not that it is all bad sometimes I do leap into good things.
It was family dinner night and movie night last night, and everyone was late which did not help my mood at all. When they did show up I was a bit over it, but still glad that Mara, Ryan, Kyla, and Casey did come by and we had fun watching Fearless Freaks and chatting.
The ex-drunk lover called three times yesterday which also added to my stress level. He is still in some ways under my skin as a mistake I can't quite comes to terms with, and I wish he would stop haunting me with his sudden out of place phone calls. Sometimes I think I feel guilty for not being able to help him more, but I know that is just silly and there was really nothing I could do for him. Sometimes it is because I know I should have turned back when I knew I was heading towards bad trouble.
I called Bjorn late before bed, and by the end of our conversation felt much better and was smiling. Later I felt bad for unloading so much on him, even though I know he doesn't mind and is there for me, it is hard for me to accept that someone wans to really be there for me when things are bad. I am used to dealing with everything alone and being the one everyone leans on. Through that conversation I realize a few things that I should probably work on and after I have worked it out more in my head I will explain more fully. It is surprising to me how much we can learn about ourselves through others sometimes.
Today, though, has been much better even though not everything has worked out as I had expected. I overslept so I didn't get as much done before Sid and I hit the road to Lawrence as I had hoped. But, I did get up to the my office to check my mail and turn in some things to be copied before classes start in Tuesday. I received my comments from my students from the fall and had all very good or high marks in all areas. It was nice to see that I did connect with my students on some levels and it was the boost I needed to feel confident about going back to work on Tuesday.
Sid and I drove in to Lawrence at 6 as we made good time, checked into our hotel and had a long dinner at my fave Greek place. It made Sid slightly uncomfortable that I had a couple glasses of wine at dinner. Part of this is because he has been told by his step-mother that I am drunk, which is about as far from the truth as possible, and my mother is recovering. I think is was good for him to see me drink tow glasses of wine and still act like his mom.
We got to the Bottleneck a 8:30 even though I knew the show wouldn't start till 10. Sid read somewhere it started at 10 and didn't want to miss his favorite band. They finally played at 11, and even though I made him wear earplugs he had a blast watching them. I made him leave his DS in the room and he was a bit lost without it but I think it was good for him. He really paid attention to the music and at times seemed to be studying the band as much as listening to the music.
I ran into an old friend, Tina, who was at one time Jovan's girlfriend. Which I never understood and still don't. She was a bit drunk but I did find out she is trying to go to law school and is doing in general well. I tried to catch up with another old friend but he was already drunk at 10pm so it didn't work out.
On the drive up here I threw out the cigarettes I had in my car. They were a bit tempting and I forgot to take my Chantix today, both doses, but I came through and feel really great about it. I haven't felt as bad today though as I have felt and I know that in another week I will feel even better.
